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i.-mE. SUNDAY OEEGONIANJPORTLAD, OEMaBR, . 3, 1901.
27
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THINGS
IN
Mr. O'Rafferty
On Civil Service.
Informs Mr. O'Toole Why He
Didn'l Join Chicago Police.
"Is it so, Mr. O'Rafferty, these rumyures
Ol do be heerln iv yez J'lnln th' p'lace
force?" asked Mr. O'Toole, as he en
countered the wise man on the steps of
Chicago's City Hall.
"Oi dinnaw, Mr. O'Toole, fwhether 'twill
be so or not," replied Mr. O'Rafferty.
"Me lntintlons up ontil yisthcrday wur
inclolned that way, but this marnin' a
wee bit lv a damper was placed upon me
Tboigh-fiown notions.
"Xcz see, Mr. O'Toole, 01 made up me
xnomd t' lave th' likker bisniss and J'lne
th' p'lace foorce. So OI made lnquoirles
lv th' Ahlderman lv th warrud. "Twas he
who lnfarrumed me that Ol wud have t'
undhergo a civil sarvlce lxammynation,
an' dirlcted me t' a proflssor who cud
coach me in th' quistions fwhich wud be
axed lv me be th' Ixammynln boord.
"Takln th Ahlderman's p'lnt, Ol
cahllcd on th' professor.
"He was a yoong laddybuck, wld a pair
lv crooked boicycle ligs atttached t a.
fwholtc vist.
"Indade, Mr. O'Toole, he's nick was that
shmall an' schrawny Ol Ixpicted ivry mln
jute f see it give way t' th.' hift iv he's
lxcaldlngly lar-rge an' holly-lookin' Yale
sthudlnt hid. But on closer obsarvation
Ot saw thro th marlcle. He's hid was
hild In place be manes iv he's shklnny
Jowls riitin' complaclntly atop iv th
shnow fwholte coof fwhich insarcled he's
shklnny nick.
'Tvrns Rather Odd.
"It earned quare, Mr. O'Toole, that sich
a shklnny little ar-rtlcle Iv" man shud
know so much constrain' th' quistions t'
be axed Iv'blg, sthrappin' min.
"At anny rate, OI tould him th' r'ason
lv me cahil an handed over the tin
dollars fwhich he charged.
'Satein' me 'longsoide iv he'ssilf, he
commlnced t question me, as he sidjist
as th' civil sarvlce ixammyners wud quls
tlon me.
" 'Mr. O'Rafferty,' sez he, 'fwhat does
th' p'lace foorce riprisint?'
" 'Are're yez a dummy lntoirely?' sez
OL Th p'lace foorce riprlsints a lar'rge
body lv daiclnt an rayspictible Olrish gin
tlemin sez Oi, an' a few scattherin
Garmans an' wan or two Ammerycans,'
ez Ol, wld Bllley Pinkerton's min on
hand t do ahll th dirthy wurruk,' sez
OI.
"A shmoile passed over th' proflssor's
Chonalse colored face at this, Mr. O'Toole,
an Ol tho't Oi was doin' spllndid.
" 'how many burricks ar-rc there In a
wahll chwinty fate holgh, chwlnty fate
long an wan fut woide, th' burricks beln'
two be foor be eight Inches?' sez he.
"OI cudn't fr th' wurrul lv me see
f whoy th divil a p'laceman shud be run
nin' about counthln th burricks in ivry
wahll on he's bate, Mr. O'Toole, onllss he
lntinded lavln' th' foorce an' bacomin' a
bulldln' inspechtor But, annyhow, bav
in' carrid burricks f'r manny lar-rger
wahlls, OI was able f give th' laddybuck
he's answer.
It All Depends.
' 'This accordln'," sez OI, 'f how close
ez watch th' conthractor an he's min,'
oez OL 'Av yez kape thim undher th'
glim lv yo'er oyes,' sez OI, 'tn' wahll
will hould ahll th' burricks fwhich he
has dapposited on th'e perairie 'longsoide
an' a few Ixtry loads baysoides,' sez Oi.
'But lv yez lave thlm go 'long widout
watchln',' sez Ol, 'th blag'ards will All
tip th lnsoldes iv th' wahll wld th car
plnthers tin-penny nails, raisin cake lift
over fr'm th' newly marrid wurrukmln's
loonch, ould tin cans dayposlted in th
vicinity be ixtramely worrld dogs, bur
rick dust, scanthin's an anny other ould
thing fwhich have bin lift bayholnd be
th billy an' nanny goats lv th' neighbor
hood, sez OI
" 'That bein so,' sez OI, twud be ix
tramely harrud t answer ye'or qulstion
"widout countin th burricks -wan be wan,
an as that wud nayclssltate th pullln'
down If th wahll. sez Oi, Oi'm afeared
th' burricks would not be counted.
"Th proflssor -wiggled about onaisily on
he's fate fr afwholle, an' thin sez he:
" 'Mr. O'Rafferty,' sez he, av yez wur
on th foorce,' tez he, 'an wur confronthed
wld a labor riot,' sez he, 'fwhat wud yez
do?' sez he.
" 'In that case sez 01, 'me lxpalriance
have tayched me t' lave th min have
their rooctlon out Mesllf going t' th'
outskirts lv th' crowd an bateln' in th
hlds iv th l'aders,' sez Ol. 'Not th'
l'aders lv th riot, sez Oi, 'f'r they ar-re
br-rave, but mislnfarrumed min. but 'tis
th l'aders iv th min fwhin no danger is
about," sez OL "Th laddybucks who
cahll thlmsilves aggltatore, ahlways
houldln soft jobs In th' unions,' sez 6i,
"tillln th min f kape out lv poly tics, but
ahlways bobnobin' wld th polytlcal l'aders
thlmsilves ontil a chans-t arrolves fr
thlm t' sill out th' mine,' sez OL,
About the Philippines.
" 'Now, Mr. O'Rafferty,' sez th' profls
sor, 'fwheere an fwhat ar're th Fillyfane
Olslands, an' be who ar-re they con
trolled?" " 'Yez misundherstand me, proflssor,
sez OL ' Tis on th' city p'lace foorce Ol
wish t sarve, an' not as a p'ace dis
thurber undher th' lmpty-hlded gln'r'ls :n
th -Fillyfane Olslands, sez OL
" 'But. me man, sez th' proflssor, 'these
ar're ahll-Impoortant quistions, fwhich
yez'll undoubtedly be axed he th civil
sarvlce ixammynln' boord."
" That beln th case, sez Oi, 'In my
oplnyun an' fr'm fwhat Ol've heerd an
rid In th' pa-apers,' sez 01, 'th' Fillyfane
Olslands ar're a pardliv olslands sitty
wated Julst nare enough t Choina t sick
en anny daiclnt an rayspictible Ammery
can glntleman wid th shmell iv opium,
chop suey an yokl mal.' sez Ol. 'Their
infoorcemlnt upon th' Unolted States,'
sez OL 'was a par-rt Iv th 520.000,000 far
fate fwhich we paid t' Spain f r th' prlvl
lige lv worrltin' her wid our display lv
strlnth.' sez OL 'Of late, sez Oi, 'th
olslands have bin undher th' conthrol iv
a par-rty lv git-rich-qulck ar-rmy min.
who have taken ivrythln in solght save
the grasy male sacks off th" shklnny
boacks Iv th naygur Inhabbytlnts, sez
OI.
"OI cudn't say fwhat it was. Mr.
O'Toole, that riled th proflssor. But,
annyway, he rose fr'm he's sate, handed
me boack me tin dollars, an sez he:
" Mr. Rafferty,' sez he. 'me tolme he's
too vally'ble t' ho wastln' wid th' lolkes
iv yez. Ol've asked yez some lv th' most
impoortant quistions iv th ixammynln
boord,' sez he, 'an' yez haven't answered
wan lv thlm corrlctly. Yez may be able t
run up a laddher wld a hod lv burricks
moighty lolvely sez he, 'but yez'll niver
make a p'laceman,' sez he.
O'Rafferty Moralize.
"But iv th proflssor was roight In he's
quistions, Mr. O'Toole, 'tis alslly sane
fwhoy th' p'laceraln do be bateln th
hias lv rayspictible cityzens an contilly
shlapin' 'on their bates. Shure t' aven
sthudy up on sich ijjyotic quistions wud be
enough t' dhrolve anny man crazy.
"Baychune oursllves, Mr. O'Toole, Ol
think th' p'lacemln shud be tayched now
f capture disthurbers iv th' p'ace, and
lave alone f sthrugglin Fillyfane Olslands
an th' burricks in daycint taxpayers'
nrahlls." JUSTUS GOODB.
Didn't Find Her Honey.
A young married woman from the South
who was visiting New York a few days
ago with her husband left him In their
hotel room one morning while she went
on an errand. She was not accustomed
to big hotels, nor to big New York, but
she got back without mishap in half an
hour arid knocked at the door. There was
no response.
"Let me in, honey," said the young
woman, knocking more vigorously.
Still no response.
"Honey, let me In!" called the young
woma'n, redoubling her exertions. "Honey,
honey, let me In!"
She rattled the knob and shook the door
and pounded with bvath fists, but there
was the silence of the grave on the other
side. The young woman's voice rose to
half a cry.
"Honey, aren't you there? I want to
get in. Honey, open the door!"
Then arqse from the other side of the
ONE OF THE
"How did yez get thot eye?"
"Ol cllibrated me blrt'day the other avenln.
( : r
POEMS WORTH READING .
v s : ; J
The Orpnnlst.
I wonder how the organist
Can do so many thlntrs;
He's getting ready long before
The choir stands up and sines;
He's pressing buttons,- pushing stops;
He's pulling here and there,
And testing all the working parts
"While listening to the prayer.
He runs a mighty big machine.
It's full of funny things; .
A mass of boxes, pipes and tubes,
And sticks and slats and strings;
There's little whistles for a cent.
In rows and rows and rows;
I'll bet there's twenty miles of tubes
As large as garden hose.
There's scores, as round as stovepipes, and
There's lots so big and wide.
That several little bojs I knov
Could play around inside;
From little b!ts,of piccolos
That hardly make a toot.
There's eery size up to the great
Big elevator chute.
The organist knows every one.
And how they ought to go;
He makes them rumble like a storm.
Or plays them sweet and low;
At times you think them very, near;
At times they're soaring high.
Like angel voices, singing far
Off, somewhere In the sky.
For he can take this structure that's
As big as any house.
And make It pqucak as softly as
A tiny little mouse;
And then he'll Jerk out tomethlng with
A movement ot the hand,
And make you think you're listening to
A military band
He plays It with his fingers and
He plays it with his toes.
And if he really wanted to
He'd play It with his nose;
He's sliding up and down the bench.
He's working with his knees.
He's dancing round with both his feet
As lively as you please.
I always like to take a seat
Where I can see him go;
He's better than a sermon, and
He does me good. I know; ,
I like the life and movement and
I like to hear him play;
He Is the most exciting thing.
In town on Sabbath day.
George W. Stevens In Toledo Times.
"Roll On, Niagara."
Roll on, Niagara, roll on!
Continue thy descent.
Aye. let thy torrents tumble down
Like waterspouts unpent, .
With swoop and swish and swirl and slide
A sisht one can't forget
A wondrous, awful, thrilling and
Stupendous bunch of wet.
Roll on, Niagara, roll on!
What do you care for me?
Yet I love you because you're not
Jest working for a fee.
You do your duty every day.
With ne er-falllne drip.
While guides and drhers on the shore
Keep hustling for a tip.
Roll on, Niagara, roll on!
The grandest sight on earth. .
Cut loose your soul-lnsplring roar,
I want my money's worth.
Yes, crash and dash and smash and lash,
With billows fiercely tossed.
Do all the funny stunts you can.
Tor I must count the cost.
Roll on, Niagara, roll on!
Thou marvel of all time,
(Excuse me while I get my purse
And give the guide a dime.)
Roll on, old cataract Immense,
I like you well, and, say,
I'll slve a dollar more to see
You roll the other way!
Baltimore American.
door a deep, bass voice, with a resentful
note in It.
"Madam," It said, "thia Is not a bee
hive. This is a bathroom." New York
Sun.
Just a Way They've Got.
As a matter of fact, Janet was born
exactly two years before her brother
Fred. Therefore, In the natural course
of things, when he was 10 she was 12, and
gloried in it. When Fred was known to
be 14, she still confessed, to sweet 16. When.
Fred boasted 18 years, she timidly ac
knowledged herself Just over 13. When
Fred came home from college, and had
p. party in honor of his 21st birthday,
Janet said to her friends:
"What a boyish fellow Fred is! Who
would think he is only a year younger
than I?"
When Fred declared himself 23, and
old enough to get married, Janet said to
a gentleman friend:
"Do you know, I feel very jealous of
Fred getting married. But, then, I sup
pose twins always are more attached to
one another."
And two years later, at Fred's wed
ding, she said with a girlish simper, to
the guests:
"Dear old Fred; To see him married
today, and to think when he was only
Ave years old they brought him in to
see me, his baby sister! I wonder if he
thinks of It now?" Philadelphia Inquirer.
Little Johnnie Heard From.
Mrs. Bllklns (sweetly) Do have another
piece of cake, Cousin John. '
Cousin, John Why, really, I've already
had two; hut it's so good I believe 1
will have another.
Little Johnny (excitedly)-Ma's awlnner!
Ma's a winner! She said she'd bet you'd
make a pig of yourself. Brooklyn Life.
PRESENTS.
The Bnmninge Sale.
The ladles planned a rummage sale.
They buzzed like busy bees;
They rushed around In eager style.
All bound to raise a handsome pile
For .worthy charities.
They gathered their old petticoats,
Their worn-out waists and skirts;
They put in Bessie's pinafore,
The last year's hat that papa wore,
And Bobby's undershirts.
They hurried here, they hustled there,
With all their might and main;
They took Aunt 'Liza's plush coat down
And Cousin Sarah's weddlnr gown,
And grandma's counterpane.
The ladles' hearts were full of glee,
But, oh, a horrid man
Cried out: "Beware of deadly bugs
That lurk in ancient rags and rugs!"
And trouble then began.
"Look out!" he crlejj, "for germs ablda
In every petticoat!"
The ladles rose up wrathfully,
And In a chorus said that he
Was lying In bis throat.
They said he was a nasty thing
To try to balk them thus, '
Their stuff, they vowed, was clean and nice.
As cheap as dirt at half the price,
In no wise danger-ous!
Too late, too late, he understood;
He dared not face them all,
And, like a hunted stag the man,
All wet with persplration.ran
To where the woods were tall.
They dared him and they badgered him,
They called him undersized;
The town was stirred up o'er the fuss
He raised who feared the germs, and thus
The sale was advertised.
The people flocked from near and far.
They bought and bought and bought.
And when they closed 'twas whispered that
The ladles were astonished at
The prices things had brought.
Long live the man who hollered "Germsl"
And when the ladles fair
Get up a rummage sale again
May he be still on duty then
To raise his little scare. '
Chicago Becord-Hcrald.
In Honeymoon Days.
There's billing and cooing and kiss upon kiss.
There's long- sips of nectar and deep draughts
of bliss.
And some one writes "Mrs." where once she
wrote "Miss,"
For hearts are ablaze
With all of love's Are, while lips frameth
speech
Where amorous phrases are linked each to
each, '
And somebody's "dovio" and some one Is
"peach,"
In honeymoon days.
There's something he says calls her sweet
blushes out.
And she ows he Is "naughty" with prim little
pout.
While they both thank their ' fortunate stars,
without doubt. - -
That there's no one to see
When a waist is encircled" and some one's
held tight.
And somebody kisses her breath away quite.
While some one Just lets him with "ohs!"
of delight.
In honeymoon days.
June marks the beginning, and how the days
fly!
Time drags rather wearily on through July,
And long' before August has thought to pass by
Departed's the haze
That veiled them from vfew, and they've lifted
the ban
That shut out the world a most sensible plattl
But ah. Folly lords It o'er nhUden and man,
In honeymoon days.
Detroit Free Press,
Maxims for
Some Occasions
Wise 5ings for Everyday
Application; An' You Desire.
"Eat, drink and be merry, for tomor
row" the cook will go on a strike.
"Every cloud has a sliver lining"
but usually it is made of German silver.
"Everytnlng comes to him who waits"
Including despair and decay.
"The darkest hour is just before dawn"
at least it seems darker when you are
trying 'to And the keyhole.
"A squeaking door hangs a long time"
and no one ever thinks to oil it.
"One swallow does not make a Sum
mer" no, nor a meal.
"It is a long lane that has no turn"
and sometimes it dpes not turn atN all; It
Just ends abruptly at a precipice.
"A soft answer turneth away wrath"
but it is Just as well to be prepared and
keep your nand near your pistol pocket.
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try
again" even If you have to Impress It
with a club.
"Virtue is Its own reward" at least it
Is the only apparent one up to date.
"A good conscience makes a soft pil
low" as does alo the knowledge lhat
you have tomorrow's rent money.
"Where there's a will there's a way"
usually the wrong one.
"Love laughs at locksmiths ' but
sometimes It laughs on the other side of
Its mouth, and has a mighty 'hard time
in the divorce court trying to find a skele
ton key that works as easy as that love
lock did.
" 'Tis better to give than to receive"
this holds good even to a blow.
"Forbidden fruit Is sweet" but you're
very apt to choke on the seeds.
Ella Costlllo Bennett In San Francisco
Chronicle.
Pnt' Idea of It.
"A few Sunday's since," said a young
Catholic clergyman from Up the state,
"I took occasion to remind my congre
gation, which Is located in a mountain
town, that I needed some money for ne
cessities In connection with the church.
'With Winter coming on,' I said, 'we will
need plenty of coal. The church must
be kept warm, both for the comfort of
the congregation and the preservation of
the building. 'The collections during the
services today and next Sunday will be
devoted to the coal fund.
"Just at this point .Ned Flannlgan, one
of the oldest parishioners, who occupied a
front-pew, "began to laugh. I was rath
er indignant, and when church was over
I hurried out of the sacristy and took
Flannlgan to task for laughing.
" 'What do you mean by such conduct,
Flannlgan?' I asked.
" 'Faith, I couldn't help laughln,' Fath
er,' he explained. 'That wus a purty
good'sthlff you give the people about the
coal. What would you want coal to hate
the church for when 'tis hated be
steam?' "Philadelphia Record.
Sick for Cash.
"That boy of mine has got to turn over
a new leaf," declared the well-known citi
zen, who It is doubtful really knows how
much he Is worth. "It Isn't so much' a
question of money as It is teaching him its
value. He has been away most of the
Summer, and the letters he has written
home have been short but to the point
more money.
"Growimr tired at last of his repeated
FROM NATURAL CAUSES.
Wash Mulllns cussed, an' said as how
He played de fdur for low,
Coon Snipes, his pardner, cussed mo' loud,
An' said he knowed 'twere so;
Gup .Bean reached out his big long arm
An' snatched up Mulllns' tricks,
Den Brickyard Sam, an' Wash an' Gup
Got In some lovely licks.
Den each man drawed his gun right quick,
An' jumped behind his cheer;
An' purty soon 'do room were full
O' smoke lnstld o' air;
I lit out thru a winder sash
What wasn't riz at all.
An' me, in' glass an' sash an' blind
All jlned In in dc fall.
De police come, an' lock'd de door
An' sont do coroner;
Who corned, a-smokln' o his pipe
(He didn't live so fur).
He fotch along some Jury men, "
Who seed dey all were dead, f'- '
An' den sqt down an' writ a lot? t
An' dls lswbat dey said:
"Dls wrltln' witnesses dat Wash, ,
An' Coon, an' Sam an' Gup
Come'd to ther death from nach'ul causes
Playln' 'Seven Up.' "
An den dey wrjt de census man t " "
To change de 'rlg'nal score.
By Jlst four niggers, mo or less, tJ
Who wouldn't play no more.
J. M. WADDILL.
Dead Children.
Deep In her eyes
There li a look that does not live
In any other woman's eyes.
Nor in the eyes of any man.
A wlstfulncss unsatisfied; .,
A light that fades with years '
Yet never quite goes out;
A light that warms "
And makes her beautiful;
A mother of dead children, she
Has in her ees
The pathos of earth's heritage
Of loss;
The pity and the pain.
-William J. Lampton In New York Sun.
A Slight Difference.
Oh, my Jokes are very funny
When I'm sending them away;
I can' almost see the money
That the editor will pay.
But instead of being jolly
Every note of fun they lack.
And they're rather melancholy
When my Jokes come back.
New York Herald.
demands upon my purse I caused replying
to them. Inside of two weeks I received
three more demands, but Ignored them
all. Then he wired me, and I made no
answer.
" 'Send money quick. Am sick," he wired
again.
" 'With what? I telegraphed back.
" 'With waiting for cash,' he answered,
collect.
"He got it. But I am going to have a
talk with him when he gets back. It Is
time that he was doing something else
besides spending money." Detroit Free
Press.
She Got One Right Array.
"No, I never have a bit of trouble with
my husband," remarked the frail little
woman with the Intelligent face. "In
fact, I have him right under my thumb."
"You don't look very strdng," doubt
fully commented the engaged girl.
"You mistako me, my dear. It's a men
tal, not a physical, subjection."
"Would you mind telling me how"
"Not a bit! Always glad to help any
one steer clear of the rocks. First of all,
you must know that a man In love Is the
biggest sort of a fool, and says things
that make him almost wild when he hears
'em In after life. I realized It, and from
tho very beginning of our courtship I
kept a phonograph in the room, and every
speech he made was duly recorded. Now,
A HOT DEY
Billy's Letter.
They wrote me about yer marriage,
I think it wuz Jimmy Lesrls,
He says the groom Is a high-toned chap
An' nothln a-tall like me;
He says that you wuz as purty
Well, o course he give you a puff,
But If Jimmy had written twlct as much
He couldn't said half enough.
I'm wrltln to ask a favor, Nell,
I want ou to let me keep
The letters an' things you sent me
When you wuz little Bo-I'eep
An' me the loln shepherd lad,
Bellevln yer heart wuz mine.
In the days when the flowers wuz bloomln
An the weather wuz ever fine.
I know this ain't the proper thing
For atelier like me to do;
But they mean a awful lot to me
An' they can't mean much to you.
I've kept em, hopln to make my pile.
An' when I got rich at last
I'd uv gone to a Eastern college
An p'r'aps but all that's past.
I wanter keep yer letters.
For they are my only books;
Besides, they're too yeller to send you
I've spoiled their original looks.
I've read 'em over so often
You'd never be able to tell
That the blurred little line at the bottom
reads:
"Tours forever, Nell."
I s'pose you ferglt the stickpin
You give me one day wit' a klis,
Sayln', "Billy, I made a proroloo
Never to part wit' this
Till I met the man I really loved "
I'm wearin" it jest the same
To remember the drunken greaser
As once made free wit yer name.
An' then, them kodak plcters.
The ones wit the jacqueminot rose.
Taken when you wuz glttln well.
Dressed In yer rldln' clothes.
Thej're gracln' the walls o my cabin,
I christened It "Heaven" one day;
Ah! wot would be left o' my heaven
If the angels wuz taken away!
So, leave em all to me, Nelly,
The letters an plcters an' things.
They're only the' broken feathers
That fell from my wild dove's wings
When she fluttered away from my bosom
An flew to a softer nest;
Yet they're all the world to a cowboy
Buried out here In the "West.
M. B. Klrby In New York Herald.
A Family 3Iatter.
She sewed a button on my coat,
I watched the flnrcrs nimble;
Sometimes I held her spool, of thread.
And sometimes held her thimble.
"I'm glad to do It, since you're far
From sister and from mother;
" Tls such a thing," she said, and smiled,
"As I'd do for my brother."
The fair head bent so close to me
My heart was wildly beating;
She seemed to feel my gaze, looked up.
And then our glances meeting.
She flushed a ruddy, rosy red.
And I. I bent and klssad her,
" 'Tis such a thing," I murmured low,
"As I'd do to my sister."
Brookljn. Life.
Hanntcd.
As I sit at fall of evening,
Musing 'fore the open fire,
'Joying thoughts as light and flitting
As the blazes of the pyre,
Lo! appears to me a figure
Standing In the flickering light,
And I say in trembling accents,
"Art thou come again tonight?
Speak! who are thou? what thine errand?"
Answer comes without delay:
"I'm Jim Brown, the tailor's son, sir;
Here's that bill. Pa wants his pay!"
Detroit Free Press.
-i
whenever my husband gets u little bit ob
streperous I just turn on a record or so.
Heavens! How he does rave! But he
can't deny It. They always will, though,
if you don't have proof positive."
"Thank you." gratefully murmured the
engaged girl. "I'll get a phonograph this
very day." London Tit-Bits.
Let Her Itlnfr!
A drama in one act. Characters A bell,
a bell boy, another bell boy, and a man
up stairs.
Bell Ting-a-ling-llng.
Bell boy There goes the belL It's your
turn.
Other bell boy Nothing of the sort. Go
yourself.
Bell boy I won't.
Other bell boy Neither will I.
Bell Tlng-tlng-tlng-a-llng-llng.
Bell boy You had better go.
Other bell boy It's your turn
Bell boy My turn nothing. You had
better chase yourself up stairs.
Other bell boy You Just sit there and
see how fast I will go.
Bell Ting-a-llng-llng-tlng-tlng-a-llng!!
Bell boy Let's play a game of euehre
and see who goes.
Other bell boy All right.
Bell Ting-a-ling! tlng-tlng!! tlng-tlng-a
ling-ting!!!!!!
Very slow curtain. New York Herald.
IN ALGIERS
Love's Mcsiingc.
When the dews of night have fallen, and the
stars fond vigil keep.
When the cares of day are over, and tho
world Is hushed in sleep.
Then I think of a Summer's gloaming be
neath the tender sky.
When we stood beside the, sea, dear Inve, and
whispered our "good-bje."
Tho' weary months have come and gene In
changing restless scene.
Fond thoughts of you still linger in the land
of "Might-have-been":
Tho brightest dreams hae passed away, and
joy is dead to me.
The sweetest memories in my life will ever
cling to thee.
Ob, Time may roll onward and seasoas may
change,
And this life with Its dreams fade away;
But the heart that Is faithful, the love that
is true,
Will live on forever and aye, sweetheart.
Will lle on forever and aye!
I wander o'er the hills, dear heart; I hear the
seagull's cry;
The breezes softly sing to me a sad, sweet
lullaby.
The crested waves are sobbing as they mur
mur on the shore
"My fondest one, good-bye good-bye good-bye
for evermore."
And my heart Is full of sorrow, and my life
Is full of pain.
For I long to hoar your voice, dear love, and
see our face azal
Our lives are now divided, but jour spirit
comes to me.
And In the silence of the night I dream and
think of thee.
Oh, Time may roll onward, and seasons may
change.
And this life with Its areams fade away;
But the heart that Is faithful, the loe that
is true.
Will live on forever and aje, sweetheart.
Will live on forever and aye!
Violet A. Griffith, in The Sketeh.
By en By.
Ef you des keep on a-hopln
Dat de times Ml mend
You boun' ter keteh de rainbow
At de roun worl's "end.
Den steady,
Eii ready
When de storm break In de sky;
Steady.
En ready,
En jou'll reach home by en by!
Ef you dos keep on a-gwlne
En a-klvtrln' er de groun
You boua' ter ketch de rainbow
Wen de wort' tu'n roun'.
Den steady.
En ready
Wen de light fall from de sky;
Steady.
En ready.
En jou'll reach home by en by!
Atlanta Constitution.
Her Reward.
I tell the cook just what to ooek
And, how to cook It, though
I feel her fixed. Indignant look
As if she did not know!
I rearrange with loving care.
The table's furntehlnss,
'And lay some nxws, here and there,
Among the spoons and things.
Mj- rrtttiest waist I don, and dress
My hair in dainty trim.
Prizing my own attractiveness
As offering Joy to him
And then he comes' "Oh, hello dear! ,
Dead tired. Turn down that blaze.
No letters? Any company here?
Where 13 the dog'" he says.
Madeline Bridges, In Life.
Not Tom's
Ring at AIL
Was the othrr Fellow's, and
It Was All So Very Sadden! j
"You know Tom," began the girl phi
losopher, twisting a new ring about hec
third finger.
"Yes," exclaimed the other two In
chorus, "when is It to be?"
"You know Tom," began the other again,
who would tell things In her own way or
not at all. "And you know there was a
lire at our house. In which the old maiden
lady on the third floor had her nose seri
ously burned. What I am going to tell
you Is related both to the fire and to Tom.
"It was tho evening after, and I waa
practicing at the piano, trying to appear
as though I wab not awaiting him. For
merly, when waiting for the man whom
I was going to marry, I would have been
reading a book. But they all seemed to
see ough that. They knew very well
that the book was a ruse, and that I waa
just making up my mind what (to say
after the first greeting. So I ceased read
ing, and nowadays practice on the piano."
"It is hard to know what to say after
that first greeting," remarked the fluff -haired
sirl.
"Is it?" asked the sallow young woman
Innocently.
The Usnal Tiling.
"Yes," replied the philosopher. "One 13
apt to grow red and look silly. Then he
always says, 'Well, what are you laughing
for?' and you always reply, 'Nothing at
all,' and then you giggle. Ho laughs In
little jerks, and asks how you are. You
say 'All right. Hasn't It been a perfectly
lovely day?' I used to get a book just be
fore he came, and think out things to say
during such trying moments, but now 1
play tho bumble-bee song, or something
which Is not too noisy, for I always man
age to hear every footfall on the veranda.
That evening after the Are I wa3 sing
ing" "What risks you take," ventured the ar
low young woman.
"So I failed to listen for the footsteps
as usual," proceeded the speaker. "I had
just reached a high note, and was endeav
oring to get that vocal quiver that Is jo
fetching, when soma one directly behind
my chair coughed slightly. It was so.
sudden that I forgot all about the line of
action I had planned. I "had Intended to
be cool to him, for, you see, I vaa most
er cordial the evening before. You should,
never be too cordial to a man twice In
succession, you know."
"I know," answered the fluffy-haired
girl, with a conclusive nod.
Awfully Sudden.
"But It was awfully sudden," said tho
sallow joung woman. "Did you mistake
him for a book agent?"
"No such good luck, or good behavior,
cither," admitted the philosopher. "I just
said, 'Oh, Tom!' and I am afraid I left
some of my new powder on his coat. Ha
seemed to be about as surprised as I, for
he backed away several steps, and, remov
ing my hands gently from his shoulder,
remarked, 'I am afraid you are mis
taken.' "
"What!" exclaimed the listeners.
The philosopher nodded vigorously an'l
bit her lip a though she was about to
laugh or cry."It wasn't Tom at all," she
finally gasped weakly, "but an accident
insurance man who had come to see about
the maiden lady's burned nose. The maid
answered the door, you know."
"What did you say?" Inquired the fluffy-haired
girl.
"1 must nave stammered a little, but I
remember saying that I thought he was
some one else."
"And he?"
"He said he wished he were."
"Impudence!" ejaculated the sallow
joung woman. "You really should tell
Tom at once, for as long as you are wear
ing his ring"
T'other Fellow's.
"But It to not his ring," said the philos
opher, defiantly holding up her hand; "it's
the accident Insurance man's."
Her companions looked at each other in
speechless surprise; the fluffy-haired girl
finally managed to Inquire:
"When?"
"Since one week after he came out to
Inquire about the injuries of the maiae-
lady. Wasn't she a dear to poke her noso
Into the lire?" Chicago News.
TMnry of n Toothnll Player.
October 19. We defeated Wilmington
College, 17 to 0. Great game. Neither side
scored In the first half, and It looked tick
lish. Their full-tack was fine, but finally
we managed to break both his legs, and
that evened things up. Five minutes af
ter the second half began we landed, tho
ball on their six-yard line. I was given
the ball for a tandem against tackle. Their
guard grabbd me by one foot and stopped
me. The ball was still a foot from the
line, and It was the fourth down. Our
center and full grabbed me and stretched
my leg until the ball was over the line.
Thought sure I would have to quit, as ono
leg was a foot longer than the other, but
the coaches stretched my other leg to fit
and I could run 100 yards two seconds fas
ter than ever, owing to increased stride.
I ran forty yards for a touchdown a few
minutes later. Had a funny accident. Had
my teeth sharpened for the game so I
could hold in the line without being seen.
In the first half I tried to fasten, my teeth
In the end's leg and hold him. Got them,
tangled In the padding of his trousers, and
when he started to run he pulled an even
dozen. Then, having disarmed me, he bit
one of my ears off. I call that taking un
fair advantage. Team came through tho
game In fine condition. No one hurt. R.
H. Back in Chicago Tribune.
Had Canxc to Be Alarmed.
"Woman, overboard!"
There was immediately a great commo
tion on deck. The husband rushed franti
cally about, tearing his hair, wringing hl3
hands, and crying beseechingly:
"Oh save her save her! She is my
wife!"
The noble sailors thought of their own
dear ones at home, and risked their lives
to gave the woman. They succeeded, and
took her to the cabin of the swooning
husband, whose look of gratitude fully re
paid them for their efforts.
A few moments later he recovered,
thrust his hand into his wife's pocket,
pulldd out a heavy purse, and, with evi
dent relief, said:
"Look here, old woman! Next time you
want to lean over the ship's side, let ma
hold that purse. You scared me almost to
death! 'Answers.