Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Nov. 25, 1900)
THE SUNDAY OREGONIAtf, POKTLAOT, NOVEMBER 25, 1900. 27 FVNNY THING'S IN P'H.O'iS) EL Two of a Kind. The early bird catches tbe worm, we are told, "And the -worm that is early sets caught; Bo If you're a bird you must rise ere the sold Of the moraine flames up, or catch naught! With the first hint of day You must hurry away To where annelid Idiots are caught! And if you're a worm, you must stay close In bed Till all the woodpeckers have gone; When they knock at your door you must cover your head And be deaf as a stone till the knockers have Sown! Oh! "You'll starve If you do!" Well, the blrd'll starve, too. And there'll two "Simple Simons" be tone. Indianapolis Press. JOSIAH ON HIS TRAVELS Mr. Chowder, "0 Gum Holler, Rip ley County," Make Things Hum at a Rural Railway Station. Ho was tall and thin. An expansive mouth, whose corners were corrugated and discolored from much tobacco chew ing, occupied a no inconsiderable portion of his face, which was extremely thin, also, and tanned to the hue of old leath er. His oversized ears loomed up prom inently at the sides of ills muskmelon shaped head, like wings spread for hurried flight. From the top of his hich-crowned beaver hat to the soles of his dusty top boots he was pleasantly suggestive of new-mown hay, and, as he sauntered leis urely down the platform In front of the rural Indiana railway station the ubiqui tous small boy, "tumbling to" the little wisp of straw-colored whisker that adorned the tip of his chin, bleated like a goat and clung with reckless abandon to the long tails of his rusty coat, just for the fun of hearing his vociferous flow of native profanity and seeing him strike out awkwardly with his hjige blue cotton umbrella. Entering the waiting-room, he flung his antiquated carpet-bag Into a vacant seat and advanced to the ticket agent's win dow, red-faced and perspiring. "Young feller," he said Impressively, "I'm 'Squire Josiah Chowder, o Gum Hol ler, State o Indianny, Ripley County, ss." "Glad to know you, "Squire," grinned the agent, shaking hands. The 'Squire beamed. "Some Punlclna.' "Us Chowderses Is some punklns," he continued proudly, unmindful of the agent's' look of Inquiry. "There ain't nev er been none o' us but that'd fight at the drap o' a hat, an' drap the hat hlsself." "A fighting family, eh?" said the agent, with a perfunctory show of interest. "You bet," he beamed again. "We c'u'd rassel some, too, 'specially me." "Indeed!" "Yos, slree! I've throwed ev'ry cham leen 'rassler this side o' Mason an Dix on's line, an' I ain't never had my back dirtied In all my life. Want ter try me a whirl?" The agent replied negatively, gently Intimating that he might possibly be of other service to the redoubtable 'squire, who, adopting the conveyed suggestion, asked: "What time does that ha'f-pas' twelve train leave?" "At 12:30," replied the agent. "Sure?" "Yes." "Whon'a the train due?" "At thirty minutes past 12." "Hem! What time Is It now?" "12:7." "Surer "Yes." "Clock's all right, then?" "Best In town." "Hem! Never have no accidents?" "No." "Sure there won't be none today?" "Absolutely." "How d'ye know?" Astrology's Aid.' "We have an astrologer, who predicts all accidents a year In advance. When ever anything is going to happen to a train 'he -fctrts us a, bulletin and we take measures to avert the Impending evil. No hopes of a wreck today. "Goshfry! I'll have to ask that astrol oper how long 'twill be afore our Man dy'll ketch a man. Bet that'll stump him. Say!" "Well?" "D'ye carry dogs?" "Yes." "An cats?" S "Yes, any kind of livestock. We are especially partial to having Ripley Coun ty hogs In the passenger coaches." "Goshfry! If Td a-knowed that I'd a-brought along the spotted sow an' pigs. What d'ye charge fer a ticket?" "Where tor "Hey?" "Where tor "I Goshfry! Hurry up, dern ye! Here comes my train. Hey! What alls ye, a-standln' there an' a-gapln, at me that a way. 3lmme a ticket!" He hopped up and down excitedly, endeavoring to lay violent hands on the agent, who at the first manifestation of hostility had retreated beyond his reach. "Gimmea a ticket!" "I can't sell you a ticket unless I know where you wish to go," explained the agent In thunderous tones. "Hey?" "Where do y6u wish to go?" with red-faced emphasis. States His Designation. "Oh!! Why'n thunderatlon didn't ye ask that afore? Why, to Indynap'lls, o' course. Hurry up, ye dern pesky crit ter!" "Two dollars fifty, please?" "Here!" he slammed the amount down on the shelf. "Gimme my ticket. Hurry up hurry! There, dern ye, ye've made me miss ray train! What ye been a-eat-in' snails? Git a hump on ye, er I'll come In there, an waller yer good." He seized the ticket at last, grabbed up his carpet-bag and umbrella, and. after shaking his fist at the agent and giving veat to some weirdly constructed adjectives, bolted through the doorway. The next moment he was bowling down the track at top speed, his red bandana handkerchief hanging at half-mast from his rear pocket, fluttering In the wind created by his own motion, like a flagrant ensign of anarchy, and the Irreverent Juvenile contingent on the depot platform cheering him to the echo. The agent came out Just in time to see him reach the railing of the last car with & flying leap, and scramble, baggage ana til.-onto the rear platform of the wrong train. Then he balanced himself and waved has blue cotton umbrella tri umphantly. "Us Chowderses Is some .punklns," he yelled, gleefully. " 'F Pd a missed' this train I'd a-shore come back an wallered ye. I ain't never had my back dirtied in all my life." New York Herald. Ideal Happiness. She What was the'happlest moment of your life? He Well, I think It was one evening last week when I entered the parlor of my boarding-house and saw a strange sign on the piano. She Indeed! And the sign? He Closed for repairs. Ban Francisco Chronicle. Domestic Woes. Mrs. Suburban Our new cook uses such broken English that we can scarcely understand a word she says. Mrs. Neighbors Oh, I wouldn't mind a little thing like that. We have been us ing broken china ever since our new cook was Installed. Chicago News. Trying to Say Something Fnnny. "David, they've sent us a whole gallon of Ice-cream by mistake." "All right; we'll eat it, and pay for the half gallon we ordered. Then, the next time we feel like having; Ice-cream we'll go pay for the other half gallon." Indian apolis Journal. The Gossip. "Annie Nibblns Is the meanest kind of a gossip." "What variety is that? "She's the kind that doesn't tell any thing herself, but gets you to tell all you know." Chicago Record. Distinction. "You have a good deal of assurance to come to me for charity," said the man of the house, "with your face all bunged up from fighting. You're nothing but a bruiser!" "No, sir," replied the seedy vagrant, who was not wanting in spirit. "The other fellow was the bruiser. I'm the brulsee." Chicago Tribune. His Apology. "You said I was the biggest fool In town," exclaimed an Irate citizen to his neighbor, "and you've got to apologize." "All right, all right." responded the of fender. "Til apologize. You are not the biggest fool." And still the man was not satisfied. Detroit Free Press. The Tenth Muse. "Who Is this person?" asked one of the tuneful nine. "She claims to be a rela tive of ours, but I don't know her." "Poor thing!" said the sister-muse. "She's suffering from a hallucination. She presides over magazine poetry and she thinks she's a muse!" Puck. When Frost Is on the Whiskers. There's a sting when Winter's comln' makes a feller feel his oat. Keep ol' TJncle Levi busy handla' out the overcoats. Starts the healthy blood to dancln mighty lively through the veins. An' the lips seem prone to pucker fur to whis tle merry strains. There's a Quickness In the action, there's a sparkle In the eyes. An' the joyous soul seems swellln' up to twice Its normal size. An' existence seems a pleasure, life a ginger- snappy-dream, "When the frost Is on the whiskers an the breath has turned to steam. As the breezes come a sweepln on their frost-bejeweled wings Every cussed one seems armored with a thous and needle stings. An' they bring the faded color back Into the bleached-out face, Reinstate the nerve that Bummer hotly tum bled off Its base. Fires of energy seem burnla' In the furnace o' the breast Chasln' that ol' bird o' languor from its lazy Summer nest. An' a feller seems enveloped in a happiness supreme Whea the frost Is on the whiskers an' the breath has turned to steam. Sets the Quickened thoughts to driftln' to the great Thanksgivln Day, To the big ol'-fashloned farmhouse In the east- land far away. Where the frost-klnr was a whettln' razor edges on the breeze. An' the black an' bronze ol' turkeys was a rlpenln In the trees. Where the Quail was plpln music on the ol rail fence that stood Since ol' Adam was a yearlln up against the hlck'ry wood All these pleasln recollections come & troopln' as a dream "When the frost Is on the whiskers an the breath has turned to steam. O! the merry apple-parin's an' the huskln' bees galore, Aa' the Jolly country dances on the big ol' barn floor. When the eyes o' gala 'd sparkle same as Jewels In the face. An' the hearts o all the fellers 'd keep flop pin out o' place. Thlnkln o these early pleasures starts a longln' In the- breast Fur to hit the trail & leadln' back toward the ol' home nest; Through the brain of every truant from the home these memories teem When the frost is on the whiskers an' the breath has turned to steam. Denver Post. As He Left Them. Bis toys are lylnr on the floor. Just as he left them there; The painted things for keeping store. The little broken chair; The Jumping pig. the whistling ball. The duck, the gun. the boat. The funny looking Chinese doll. And bucking billy goat. They He about, poor, battered things. The rabbit and the fox. The cuckoo with the broken wings. The Jack, sprung from his box. Here lie his knife, bis tangled string. His bow and silver cup Because I'm tired of following Around to pick them up. , Chicago Times-Herald. HFFFFlS THAMKHI1 RrTAll'Ar hp ti BOB-TAILED DOCi'WELU, "1 HE'S THANKFUL HE5 1 f " " & , L IV?, TttANKfTL BECAU5E HE therf SOMETHING To BE AAL.vt THANKFUL CAN FEL THANKFUL. FOR!' -firS! M HES ONE jt ! 1 -s5sBa3J J iC3lb nir FUITVVE ARE READ AND RECEIVE, - " fr-Uftg g I . HOT YELLOW, ' J , , I -toiWi g IS Tn ' iiifl IX THE WRONG E1TVELOPEB. Senator Chandler Mixes Matters la Declining an Invitation. Senator Chandler, of New Hampshire, 1b known as one of the most exact and painstaking of men. He rarely makes mistakes, and has little patience to spare for those of others. But the wily and careful Senator was recently guilty of a blunder which cost him much trouble to rectify. It was nothing more or less than exchanging envelopes upon two let ters written about the same matter. The story, as related by his very dear friends, runneth thus: Once upon a time Chandler received an invitation from Senator, Frye to go up, to one of the Maine lakes and enjoy a spell of hunting and Ashing. Politics would, of course, come up during the quiet even ings. Senator Chandler had other plans, and thereupon he Indited two letters, one to his wife, which ran to "this effect: "My .Dear Lucy: I have received an In vitation from Frye to-go up wltli him Into Maine for a hunting and fishing trip; but I Bhall not accept. Frye is a temperance crank and never has anything for him self or friends to drink, and therefore I have got out of the thing as diplomati cally as I can. There Is not much enjoy ment under the circumstances." The letter then ran on to detail other domestic confidences. The letter received by Mrs. Chandler ran merrily along these lines: "My Dear Frye: I received your Invita tion and am very sorry that I cannot ac cept. You know Mrs. Chandler Is very disagreeable about such things, and so I must decline. Some other time, when I can get up a good story to justify the fun." The first Intimation which Senator Chandler had of his error was an indig nant missive from the wife of his bosom berating him for his ungallant conduct In SOME holding her up to his friends as a dis agreeable woman. Senator Frye, fortunately for Chandler, held his peace, as he did not know wheth er or not the epistle was loaded, and fancied that the contretemps might be merely one of Chandler's little jokes, which would have an ending disastrous to lntermeddlers. The truth of the matter Is that Senator Chandlenls just as much of a teetotaler as his confrere from Maine, but the other Senators who have heard of the affair ore chaffing him unmerci fully. Success. Change Is Needed. Dlxmyth How do you like your new boarding-house? Hojax By reversing the order of things, It could be made an Ideal home. Dlxmyth How so? Hojax What It requires Is less hair In the butter and more In the mattress. Chicago News. When the Landslide Slid. I The Demmycratlc papers they hem, an' haw. an' say, "The reason why we lost it is aomethln' like this way" , An' then go on explalnln', an makln' some excuse. Along with "If," an "therefore" but, lawzy what's the use? Us Democrats in Bowersvllle when we are done we're did. We know that all that happened was the Land Slide Slid. Republican newspapers Is full o' shouts an' song. They ooze with glee an' glory, an' headlines ten feet long. An' yell In big, black letters: " 'Twas caused by so-an'-so," An' show by facts an' Aggers just how sh had to go. But, gee-mun-nee! In Bowersvllle the reason Isn't hid We know that just what hit us was the Land Slide Slid. The country's Just as happy she's Just as good an' grand She'll go on Just as peaceful, right at the same old stand. We got no cause to worry about the reason why There ain't no use to flggcr on what has Just whizzed by. My land! Down here In Bowersvllle, when we are done we're did. We know that what upset us was, the Land Slide Slid. Baltimore American. Was It Too LateT In San Francisco a poor devil of a news paper reporter worked for the shank end of a living. When he died the city burled him In the potter's field. He was Asa Packer, nephew and namesake of the great coal and transportation Icing and heir to one-fourth of Judge Packer's $20,000,000. The poor re porter had been In his grave several months when his great fortune came. News Dispatch. Was it too late too late? He tolled and struggled through trying days. And weary and worn at last sank down. And they laid him away at the edge of the town. With little to blame, IX less to praise. Was it too late too late? Ere the first wild flower bloomed o'er him there. The riches for which men strive and cheat. They, hurrying,' brought to lay at his feet. Finding he slumbered and didn't cire. "Alas! Too late too late!" lien said. -recalling his splendid worth, fAnd tears in the potter's field were shed ' And many a man, with low-bowed head Sighed over the little pile of earth! ,Was it too late too late? He missed the prize for which men compete. But the ways of the fair-day friends will ne'er Put hate in his heart or embitter him, sleeps end mayhap his dreams are sweet! New Torfc Press. CURB FOR "SNAKES." TJse to Which. Wlfey Sought to Pat Hubby in Football Armor. Tom!" "Well, what now?" The lion with long marie and muscle growled his disapproval? at being taken from his sporting sheet. "Tom, I wish you would put on your football pants." "What for?" ' "To please me." Without another word he tstt the room. When he returned his limbs were en cased In white pads. ' "Now, your chest protector, Tom." "See here'' "It Is no trouble. There it is under the table." He fished out a yellow object and at tached It to his person. ' "Now your shin, guards. "Say" He laced on these' protectors while she watched him. "Get those arm guards, Tom." "I have not the tlme4o "Then I will get "them and assist you in putting them on." ' She had the guards on his arms before he had time to protest.,, "I guess I might as well submit. What noxt?" "Here Is the rubber to shield your nose." "Is this all?" "Don't forget your ear protectors." He adjusted the fast of his armor and waited further orders. She mussed his hair with her hand to make him look all the more formidable. ' "What now?" "Tom, do you know1 the little woman down the court, the one that comes up kto scrub every Saturday?" "Yes." THINGS TO BE THANKFUL "Well, her husband Is" on another bend er. He's up In bed now." "He ought to be at work." "Well, the last time he went on a spree he saw sights. Not snakes,xbut big de mons with long hair and strange noses." "Did,, eh?" "So she says. And, Tom, If he sees any more of them It will frighten him into signing the pledge." "Well, how Is he going to see them?" "Look Jn the- sla:sa'V ,. ,. i "JVhat " "Yes, I mean you must go up In his room. One glimpse of you will make him swear off for life. Soon after he sees you give that awful college yell. It may cause him to jump out of the window, but it will cure him. Will you do this?" "Well, I guess not' What would the team say If they heard their captain was scaring drunks?" And he rushed out to remove the grid iron togs. Chicago News. "Madgre An He." My Sister Madge an' me, we Just have lots an' loads of fun? There's not a game we haven't played, I don't believe not one. But sometimes when we've had them all, an' long for something new, . We'll just sit down an' think about the things we'd Uko to do. I'd like to be an ostrich, ''cause if I was, you see, I needn't ever worry 'bout dessert a-hurtln' me; An' I'd like to buy a German band an' keep it In our yard; An' a cage all full of monkeys (without the "Hands Off" card). An' Madge, she'd like to be a queen, an' rule a great big land. An' wear a golden cornet, an' a spectre In her hand; (She says that's right, an' means a, kind of golden cane, you know; But I say It's a person who knows what isn't so.) A An' then I'd like to have a thing where you just turned a cranky An all your clothes went on or off; an then I'd like a bank (A real one, full of clerks an -things), an' Madge, she'd like to stroke Pa's Sunday hat the other way; an' me, I'd like to smoke. An1' Madge would like to see a ghost (she's frightened at a mouse!) x An also she would like to live Inside a candy house; An seems to me I'd like to be a mason, an' lay brick. . An' once I sa!L I'd like to swear, but Madge, she said, "Why, Dick!" There's lots an lots of other things that we would like to do, Of course, I haven't time to go an' tell them all to you; But some time when you're tired, an your other games are done, Try the game that' Madge an' I play; you'll find It lots of fun. New York Herald. The Sleeper. s Above the cloistral valley. Above the druld rill, There lies a heavy sleeper Upon a lonely bill. All the long days of Summer ' The low winds whlsner by. And the soft voices of the leaves , Make murmurous reply. ' All the long eves of Autumn The loving shadows mass Round this sequestered slumbering place' Beneath the cool hill grass. All the long nlrhta of Winter . The white drifts heap and heap .-, To form a fleecy coverlet f Above the dreamer's sleep. All the long morns of Springtime" The tear-drops of the dew Gleam in the violets' tender eyes. As if the blossoms knew. , Ah, who would break the rapture. , Brooding and sweet, and stlll. The great peace of the sleeper ' Upon the lonely bill? Clinton Scollard, in Atlantlo Monthly. AXIi HANDS TAKE WATER. Temperance Advocate Gives leisoa in Drinking Etiquette. L The Rev. Thomas Colson was booked to speaK at a .froniDiuon meeting tne other night where William T. Wardwell was the chief attraction. Ho was unable to come, but sent a note of regret. Be fore reading the note Chairman Cum mlngs said he would tell the crowd a true story about Rev. Mr. Colson. "Several years ago," said Mr. Cum mlngs, "Mr. Colson was out West. He stopped off at a town which was the loaf ing place of a large number of cowboys when they were off duty. These rough looking fellows, with revolvers strapped to their sides and wearing belts filled with cartridge, met Mr. Colson, and asked him to take a drink. He declined at first, but they Insisted, and he went along with them. When the party reached the saloon the biggest of the three called out: 'What are you going to have?" The other two said, 'Whisky.' " 'Give me whisky, too,' he said. " 'What's yours? he added to Mr. Col son. " 'Water, answered Mr. Colson. " 'Water, eh!' exclaimed the big fellow 'See here, stranger, you drinks what them other gents drinks, or I'll spring va few leaks In your swallow "He drew out his revolver and handled It menacingly. " 'You didn't dictate to these gentlemen what they should .call for, did you?' said Mr. Colson. " 'No. " 'Well, you can't dictate to me, either. My drink Is water. I always thought you would be .oo much of a gentleman, Dave, to question a man's right to choose his own drink, when he was your guest.' " "Well, string me up if It ain't Tom Colson!' exclaimed the man, who had recognized his boyhood friend. 'Me and FOR. Tom used to go to school together, fellers. Well, If I ain't glad to see you! I want to apologize to you, Tom, fer what I said, and I want to say to you fellers that you'll change yer order and drink what Tom drinks, or pop goes the glasses.' " Detroit Free Press. More for His Money. "Yer boy back from town?" asked the neighbor. "Yep " answered JFj&rmer. ComtosseL "Got back lastifirihttTt" - "How'd he glt'aTong?'' "I dunno's I kin complain. He done bet tenr'n I did. His gold brick weighs at least a pound an' a quartet more'n the one I bought year before last." Wash ington Star. Another Scandal, But Miss Kidder They-say young Mrs. Pret tyman Is a quiet little home-loving wom an, but I happen to know that she enjoys Liberty's Sad Plight. A lady shouldn't paint, they say. But one In New York harbor needs several coats upon her face And also needs a barber. Her maiden locks need trimming, anfl Her ladyship confesses She'd like some one who has the sand To buy her several dresses. Her red chiffon's an awful sight; Her sweet white Swiss Is rusty; Her blue foulard's a sorry sight; . He organdies are dusty. She needs a union sulfor two; She wants a cloak to dazzle The other girls and make them blue Her tailor-made's a frazzle. I.. If she should see a passing hat, It's two to one she'd nab It; She has no bonnet: we know that. No more hat than a rabbit. She'd like some dainty lingerie, , Some shoes, enameled leather; A waterproof also, and she Could laugh at any weather. Poor girl, she has a lonesome time, No theaters, balls or violets; No lovers to bofe her with rhyme, No hearts dished up In triolets. ENVOI. Stand there, dear girl, with ley feet Yearn not for our caresses. Tour posing stunt Is hard to beat; We'll try to get you dresses. Salt Lake Tribune. "Wen De Light Go Out." Oh, whar will you be In de flel' en town One er dese days Wen de sun go down; Wen de saints all shout En you stan' in doubt. One er dese days w'en de light go out? Oh, whor will you be Wen dey passln' roun' De long string harp En de glory crown? Hez you fit en fout' Whar de Captains shout? Oh, what you gwlne ter do w'en de light go . out? Olj, whar will yon be Wen de moon go blind. En de driver er de cheeryout . Is cuttln behind? In de fuss en fight You may hoi on tight. But Satan gwlne ter drap you In de lonesome night! Atlanta Constitution. November. All the high trees stand still; Scarcely the shy wind, drawing through. Makes the toll aisles to thrill. The waiting forests pray. Unheard, unseen, a presence rare Halloweth the dim day. And they who loved and died. Stealing abroad, in silence go Close by the wand'rer's side. All worshiping they go; Through the cathedral of the woods They move serene and slow. All the high trees stand still; Scarcely the shy wind, drawing through, ' Makes the tall aisles to thrill. New York Press. herself most whea her husband goes away on a business trip. Miss Gaussip Aha! I knew it! I always did suspect there was something wrong there. Miss Kidder You're mistaken. She goes away with him, that's all. Philadelphia Press. A New Trick. Old Fogy Proprietor Why did you treat that shabbily-dressed woman so coolly? Sharp Clerk You noticed I sold to her, didn't you?" "Yes." "And the article didn't really BUlt her." "I noticed that." ""She bought It because she thought I thought she couldn't afford to." New York Weekly. Literally- So. "Well, Sambo, I see that you are still at your old occupation." "Oh, yesslr. Me, an' de whitewash bresh am still in podnershlp." "So I see. And how's business? Is It looking up? "Dat precisely what It am, sah. I's kal sominln' de ccllln' er de Baptls' Chu'ch." Boston Courier. One of the First. "Yes, he Is one of our first citizens." "He doesn't look It. I should Judge from his appearance that he Is a very ordinary person." "He Is, so far as that's concerned, but his name Is Abner Aarons. and It's mighty seldom that anybody comes before him In the directory." Chicago Times-Herald. Quite Protracted. "We are just holding a love feast," said young Mr. Linger, audaciously to Mr. Frlsble, when that father of an engaged daughter put his head In the parlor door way at 11:35 P. M. "I thought It must be a protracted meeting," said the old gentleman, as he withdrew. Harper's Bazar. Something In It. Dolly Dimples Do you ever hear a curi ous buzzing sound in your ears, Mr. Ever green? Mr. Evergreen No, but sometimes I have thought I heard something rattle in side. Dolly Dimples Thank heaven! Perhaps theres - something lnlt, -after ' all. Ohio State Journal: A Libel. Goodheart I think you libeled that friend of yours from Chicago. I took him out to luncheon today, and he didn't cat with his knife at all. Sneerwell That's strange. What did you have to eat? Goodheart Oyster stew. Philadelphia Press. Carpe Diem. The swine are squealing in the pen I wonder why? Oh can they read the minds of men. And do they know A fatal day Is nigh When they must go? Ah, do they squeal Because they feel Sick and sore at heart and sad? Or Is It something they have had To eat, or Is it greed of more That makes them pierce the air? Ah, well! Their griefs will soon be o'er. And, free from care. They'll swing from hooks f Or He In links. Unmindful of the passer's looks And what he thinks. n. The turkey gobbles in the yard As blithely as he can; He scrapes his wings upon the ground And tries as hard As possible to show to man, What time he struts around. That happiness Is in his heart; And that he doesn't fret With what we call a vague unrest. Or mope around or let Forebodings creep Into his breast And so He proudly plays his part. Although Next week he may hang In the mart May grace some butcher's stall Bans gobble and sans feathers and, In fact, sans all! Ah, foolish swine to squeal and fret The closing hours away. While appetite and bristles yet v Remain, And while all day The farmer who presides as Fata Leans on the gate Far down the lane! Ah wiser turkey, gobble on. Thy gizzard still In thine. And at the dawn Tis still for thee To see The red sun shine Thou hast a' wing on either side And still thy wattles wattle where They give thee greatest pride! So why Become a prey to care Since, after all. Nor thou ' Nor I Shall know one day before or when or how Or where Or why The axe may fall! S. E. KIser In Chicago Times-Herald. The First Fire. The first fire of the season warms my hearth; Like a bright moth that long ensheathed has lain, Shaking its wings of many an Orient stain. It leaves the prisoning oak log's sturdy girth. Fresh with the new old gladness of the earth. Renascent, it springs forth; and I am fain (Having beheld the Summer droop and wane). To think that here she has her true rebirth. Ay the sweet spirit of the Summer flown! For, when beside the Are I close my eyes, I hear so many sounds that I have known In summer shade or under Summer skies The whirr of Insects in the fields new mown. The call of birds and happy leaf-drawn sighs! Edith M. Thomas in Harper's Bazar. Faint Heart She stood within the door, and while the knob Trembled In her fine fingers, throb on throb I felt the fluttering heartbeats la my breast. Her rosy Upsl Ah, should I ask or rob? She stood within the door, and I without. So close I saw each quivering little pout. TVhy should I say the fond "good nlghtf I thought To print It on her lips, or thereabout. She, waiting, stood within, and more and more Intense my love the longer pondered o'er. Till, bold aa love can make the heart, at last I made my plea, and then she shut the door! New York Herald. TAW" BUYS NEW SHOES Ismores "Marr'a" Advice and Causes Much Subsequent Entertainment for the Entire Family. "I sess," paw sed after the elsckshen was eleckted, 'Til haft to get a new pair of shoes now, being McKlnley's in. Look at these. You couldn't expect a person to go on walrlng such things." "I didn't say onnythlng to dlscurrldge you about It," maw told him. "Go ahed and get some new ones! But I don't Bee what McKlnley's getting In has to Do with it." "Oh nawthln much," paw anserd, "only If Bryan would of got there mebby we mite of all had to Go barefooted beces things would of shut down." "Then what made you b.e for Bryan?" maw ast him. "Me for Bryan?" paw says. "I never was not fer a minute." "Then what made you cal him the peer less Leader and the trlbbewn of the peeple and nearly flte with the captun becoz he sed you set up a foltz godd In the house?" "What's the use thrashin' over old straw?" paw anserd. "After the gluo gets spilled on the carpet they are no use putting the pieces Together to see what name was blone In the Bottull. That's one grate Trubble with you, maw. When the calf's dead and they've Got It skinned they are no sense In worrying about what name you'd of given It If It would of grew up to be a cow. That makes me think about the shoes again. I guess I'll not get Cangeroo this time becoz they mlta be Too thin For winter." Ma's WlUInB-. "All rite," maw told him. "Get enny kind you like, only be sure they Fit. Don',tbe foolish like I was when I got my new ones and ' "Say," paw says, "what's the use tell ing a man that's got Years of Dlscreahion a Thing like that? Don't worry soJ mutch Don't borow trubble, maw. Don't fret becoz the baby mite grow up and get married some day and have a child that would nearly be run over by a street car that would haft to get made In a shop they haven't broke the ground for yet." xSo maw d!dnV worry enny more and the next Day the shoes came and paw put Them on that nlte, for the stock holders of a Led mine paw got In on the Ground floor by the skin of his Teeth be coz a frend of his was kind and thotfull In the nick of Time were going to meet and See If they better put up enny mora munny or not. "They're Just like a pair of old Gluvs," paw sed when he had the shoes on and started out. "That's where it comes In Handy being a man and not trying to make naltcher ashamed of herself becoz she bad such poor taste." It was pritty late when me and Little Albert herd maw putting up the wlndo and hollering out: "Paw, what's the matter?" So I snuck out In the Hall and took a peek and they was a Carrldge turning away that brot paw Home and paw was standing on the frunt steps with his Shoes In his hands, looking up at maw's wlndo and telling her not to wake the nabers. Then maw came out in the Hall and commenct to weap, and when she met paw downstairs I herd her telling him "My poor children. This is terrable. Here they haft to bring you home In a hack and then you come trying to sneak In Like a thief In the nlte Becoz you are afrade to Look your Loved ones In. the Face and paw now you let Me smell your breth!" About that time I herd a slam like If a pair of shoes got flung in a corner and they talked a Long time without much exsltemunt so I couldn't hear what it was about, but after while when they wero coming up stairs paw sed: "That's all rite. Go and rone a man by telling him he made a Beast of him self and Then try to take the Sting out with a Few soft words but It Takes mora than that to Heal the brewzed hart and the next time I go to buy a pair of shoes and the blame fool of a clerk sprinkles powder in them they are going to be I gess I no what he nearly sed, but he didn't say it becoz he stept on Llttlo Albert's iron locomotive that was left about half-way up stairs, and Yelled: "Gee Roosalum!" and then give it a kick with his other foot that he forgot he didn't have a shoe on. So after It got quiet again maw says: "If It would of saved your sole and kept you from getting the new shoes I'm al most sorry the election didn't turn out the other way." Georgie, la Chicago Times-Herald. Br'er Sundown's Philosophy. Bewah o a pusson dat smiles w'en he's lokln' fo' a colluh-button! Ah notice dat de woman dat uses sharp words generally gits 'em in edgeways. Yo' cayn't buy tickets tuh heaben, but dolluhs tuh charity '11 keep do wheels o yo' palace cah greased. Ebery tlmo Ah read de tombstuns in a graveyard. Ah has tuh wonduh whar all de wicked pussons 're burled. De rottenes' lookln' scarcrew o a tree In de woods mebbe chock full o honey. Doan Jedge by appearances. Some pussons think, o' trouble- so much ahead o' time dat w'en It does come dey ain't prepared fo' It Deys many fine fish holes in dls kentry, but de Iarges' fish seem tuh be cotched out o' a little brown jug o' cohn juice. Hit's mighty easy fo a pusson tuh swar off stealln' watuh-mllyuns w'en de snow Is on de groun. Summer Is de time o busted resolushuns. Peter T. Shevlin, la Philadelphia Inquirer. Prejudiced VIctt. 'Paw, what Is an 'Independent paper?" 'An lndenendent naner. mv nn is nnn that usually tries to throw Its taftomxA in favor of some political party la such: a way xnac noDouy wm suspect it."