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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Aug. 26, 1900)
THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN. PORTLAND, AUGUST 26, 1900.
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!&t icms. la ih torrid beat,
X T?"' began la accents sweet,
r say: "If rotfil net feel the beet,
And every person whom he met
He'd stop and murmur: "Hot? Toa betl
But to keep oool now, don't forest.
Eea greet them with a, pleaaast bow.
And sayt How are too, anyhow?
You're looking warm. I'll teU you, now,
JLt last th men he woirlcq so
Seised him, and nunc him to and fro.
And answered all his yells with "Ob,
Eta epitaph was Terr aeatt
'Cocd friend, don't worry at the heat
Where you are now. Keep cool cod sweet
PAW GETS ALL "HET UP'
CfeB Out on 'the Porch to Sleep end
Ebm Axon! of the Keiefc.hor's
Doff, WJto Tree Him.
One nlte when it was bo hot paw got up
tbout xnldnlte and sed He was going out
on the portch to sleep, becor he would
Buffick cate if he couldn't have Fresh air.
Well, you better put your close on,"
znaw told him, becor he was dressed only
In his Long nlte gownd.
"What for?" paw says. "Nobuddy can
see in amung the vines along the Frunt
of the portch. If I would haft to ware
trowsers it wouldn't do enny good to go
60 he went and got in the hammuck
and prltty soon the muskeatas and Things
began to find out where he was.
If he would of rung the bell when he
wanted to come back In the bouse it
would of Been all rite, but he forgot he
didn't Have his keys in his nlte shurt
pocket when he went out, and he hated
to disturb the Faxnbly.
They are a big tree beside our house,
with the 11ms growing out over the top of
the portch. Bo Paw thot he would clime
up the tree and get on the portch and
go in a nopen wlndo. Then nobuddy
'would haft to get woke up.
The first thing me and maw and Little
albert new about it was when we herd
paw hollering and Captun Cooper's dawg
from next door Barken prltty savidge.
The dawg saw paw when he started
across the grass toward the tree, and I
gess he must ofthot it was a goast or
VzLjr Was HoUerlnV
vWhen we looked out ofthe wlndo we
caw paw go past first, and "prlttx Boon the
dawg. They were having a Tace around
the house. Paw was hollering "Help,"
and the dawg wasn't losing ennything on
"Walt, paw," maw told him, "and I'll
come down and open the door."
"I haven't time," paw sed when he
went past again like a Sack of flower
shot out of a cannon.
Then the dawg got to gaining, and
prltty soon paw gave a Jump, when he
got near the tree, and cot a Hm. It was
the highest Jump paw ever made In His
life, and he couldn't of done it if he would
of had a lot of close on. But his nlte
shurt didn't seem to way mutch.
After he got so he was settin on the
11m catching his breth and talking harsh
to the dawg, a poleasmun came running
to the seen of trubble.
"Come down out of that." he told paw.
"That's all rite." "paw anserd. "You wait
till I go in the house and get some close
on and Til tell you how it happened."
Then paw began to crawl up the tree
bo he could step on the portch and get
In the wlndo.
"Hold on there," the poleasmun hollered
when he saw what paw was doing.
"Don't you go enny further or 111 shoot."
"My goodnuss!" maw screamed, "this
mlto be a turrable tradlgy before we
could help it Please don't shoot" she
told the poleasmun.
Then she got paw's trowsers and sed:
"Here they are, paw, catch them."
Tronneni "Were Saved.
She gave them a fling, but they didn't
go straight and the poleasmun and the
dawg made a run for them. Each one
grabbed a Lalg, but the poleasmun hit
the dawg with hls club, and the trowsers
Then paw,clum down the tree and put
on the trowsers, with the poleasmun hold
ing him by the collar of-the nlte gownd
so he wouldn't escape.
While they were tawklng about it maw
got Dressed and went down to the frunt
portch, so pritty soon she and paw came
back upstairs, and the poleasmun went
away, when paw gave him a quarter to
By some cigars. It was prltty still for
quite a while after we were all In Bed
again. Then paw sed loud enuff so vou
could hear him all through the house:
"That's what a-body gets for having a
kind hart If I wouldn't of cared for the
cumfert of the rest of the fambly I
would of rung the bell and woke you all
up. But that's alwaj-s the way when a
person does kind deeds. Here you are,
maw, snickering like a nold man. at a
bailey show, and me all het up, too!
Think what mite of happened If I
wouldn't of cot that 11m when I Jumped."
'That's what Pm doln'." maw sed.
Georgie, In Chlca'go Times-Herald.
HAD A SURPLUS, ALL RIGHT.
But, la Effort to Realise, She Made a
Bnd Mrm of It.
Having graduated at a famous Eastern
seminary, and always remembering that
her father had started from the scratch
and won handily in the race for business
success, she felt Justified in announcing
right after marriage that she would run
the whole outfit at home, keep books and
render reports once a quarter.
It must be admitted that she got a
shade off on almost everything she
bought sent back everything that was
not up to the quality ordered, and seldom
provided in excess of what she required.
At the end of the first year rather a
puzdtag situation was encountered. By
some rayterlous and paradoxical perver
sion f figures that she could not unravel,
though she lost hours of sleep and grew
hollow-eyed in the attempt she had a
eurplus of $125, though she was without a
dollar lq, the family fund. Bho gleefully
told her husband how -well she had done,
and he -was Inconsiderate enough- to ask
for a sight of the "velvet," as he termed
"It must be some place," she assured
him. "I know 'business better than you
know your profession. I'm just one 25
ahead, and Til find it. too." That night
she sat down at her books after supper
and never left them until called to break
fast. Then she wanted a little walk and
headed toward! the depot. Two hours
later she was awakened to read a re
sponsive telegram from her father:
"Have wired the ,money. You can fool
that Jay husband of yours all right
enough, bnt don't try any such game on
your dad again. Far better to ask right
out for what you want."
She triumphantly laid the money before
her husband with a request that he havo
& little greater confidence In her after
that. He responded by laying before her
another telegram from dad.
"Don't know whether you are trying to
Job me, but will stand no more for Bet
ty's bookkeeping. Discharge her and hire
cheap young man at 'my expense." De
troit Free Press.
"CHUCK" TRIES TO EXPLAIX.
Bnt John Chinaman Falls to Grasp
"Chuck" Coimera was proudly exhibiting
in Chinatown -yesterday a letter which
he had Just received from Auburn. Ac
cording to the postmark it had been
mailed the day before. It was addressed
simply to "Chuck" Conners, New York,
but he had received it without delay.
"Chuck" was proud of this because It
showed that he was well known. He de
clared .he was not surprised that he had
received the letter so soon after It was
posted, because he recently, got one from
Japan addressed, "Chhck" Conners, Unit
"I guess I am abqut the best-known
man in America outside of the Presi
dent" said "Chuck" to the reporter. "1
heard that he got a letter from Bposla
or s'mother place wld only Bill McKln
ley writ on der anvelope."
"Chuck" began to tell the reporter of
his theatrical plans for next season,
when he was Interrupted by a passing
Chinaman. The latter was a laundryman
in Yonkers, and he had not visited Chi
natown In several weeks from fear of
being mobbed. He knew "Chuck."
JHullo, Mis' Conners!" began the Chi
"Hullo, John!" responded "Chucls."
"How about the war?"
"Wa? wa?" replied the Chinaman, as
a puzzled expression came Into his eyes.
"What war' '"
"Why, de war In China; what war d'yer
"Wa? wa Wa Lee?" asked John.
"No, no; not Wa Lee war in China;
war between China and America."
John was gazing apparently at nothing
down the street at this point and he still
had the faraway look in his eyes as he
"Wa, wa China and Mellca?"
"Yes, dat's what I said; war between
China and America."
v"Wa, wa," mused John, as if sorely
perplexed, "why for wa China and Mel
" 'Cause de Chinks are killing all de
Americans In China, dat's why 'cause
China is making war on America, dat's
"Wa, wa why for China make wa
"Ask me something easy. You Chinks :
The One-Price Man.
Tew wanter buy thet heifer, Zeb? I don't be
lieve yew can;
I wouldn't sell thet heifer, sir, to any ltvln
No, sir. If yew should come an' lay a fifty in
Td go an' shot the stable door an' let thet
Td let her stand right where she Is till she la
old an gray
Afore I'd sell one side of her, thet'a all I've
got to say.
Yew heerd I wanted to dispose? Yew must
hev heerd It wrong;
I'd buy a dozen like her, Zeb, if yew'd bring
Of course I've got a lot of stock, more stock
en what I need.
An' I am short of stable room, an somewhat
short of feed;
But ex for sellln' thet there beast I wouldn't,
Let forty dollars come between thet heifer,
Zeb, an' me.
I am a one-price critter, Zeb, no man kin beat
me down; '
She's wuth a heap more n forty, Zeb, ask any
man in town.
HI Hunker wants her purty bad, an' so does
But ex I said before, of course, the heifer
ain't for sale.
She's gentle an she's good an' kind, an' slick
er then an eel;
A child could milk her any time, she'd never
raise a heel.
She never hooks nor Jumps the fence, she never
An comes around at mllkln time es rcglar
ez the day.
You'd otter see the milk she gives. It's yaller,
thick an sweet.
An" ez for quantity, by gum, thet heifer can't
They's Junks of butter floattn round Inside the
An speakln' of her butter, Zeb but then, she
ain't for sale.
Yew say yew're bound to hev her, Zeb? Yew
want her purty bad?
The slickest rlece of, cow-fiesh. sir, a farmer
Wnth thirty dollars ez she stands, an not a
For I'm a one-prloe critter, Zeb, yewll And
thet out, I guess. j
"Wuth thirty dollars ez she stands, 111 tell yew f
what Til dew;
Til swap her now for twenty-flre 'twtxt me '
an' her an" yew. !
Jest twenty-five, no more or less, for I'm a
An" if yew want to swap her hack, why dura
it, Zeb, yew can.
Joe Cone In New York Sun.
They talked about the margin wide
Between the wants of men.
How some had simple tastes, and soma
Fastidious were again.
Quoth he: "Oh, yes, some are content
With things of little worth.
But that won't do for me; I want
The best there is on earth."
With Joy of uncaged bird that once
Again to freedom soars
She fell Into his arms and screamed
Thanks, darling, I am yours."
oughter know dat But America la going
to make war on China now, you bet"
"Wa, wa," continued" John, In musing
tones, "why for Mellca make wa on
" 'Cause China makes war on America.
But America Is going over to China and
lick China out of her boots."
"Wa, wa Mellca lick China's boots 7"
"Lick China's boots! Not on yer life!
America's going to lick China off der
face of de earth, you slant-eyed lobster.
What'll you Chinks do then?"
"Wa, wa," responded John, with the
same blank, expressionless look upon his
face, "Mellca lick China, Mellca HcK
"Yes, dat's what I said America lick
China and what will China do then7"
"Wa, wa; Mellca lick China," mused
John, in slow tones, as he continued to
gaze down the street Silence reigned
then for several moments. It was flnallv
broken by John, who murmured, gently
as a Summer breeze, "Splose China lick
Mellca, what Mellca do then?" New York
GETS BACIC HIS BLIKTJ HOItSE.i'"'
Slick Parson.' Outwitted by Slicker
He never read David Harum, but this
Long Island veterinary, surgeon has a
stock of tales that have a decided Harum
flavor. One of them relates to the time
when ho got the best of the parson in his
native village. It was more than 50 years
ago, and he was then In his teens. Ho
and the minister were the most pro
nounced lovers of good horses in town,
and when he saw the reverend gentle
man drive out a handsome, well-galted
new horse, envy and other unchristian
qualities entered Into his soul and in
creased every time he saw the horse. He
knew he would never be happy until he
could own It
After a great many skirmishes, in which"
both knew they were dickering for a
deal, though neither would have owned
to it, they reached the bargain stage and
the youth, depleted In pocket but tre
mendously self-satlsfled, took home his
purchase, the coveted horse. Nothing
marred his elation until he reached the
stable door, when the horse refused to
step. Investigation proved that the beau
tiful horse was blind. He would go In
ana out of familiar quarters all right,
but was lost In a strange place.
His new owner was cast down and dis
appointed, but he did not despair. In
stead He determined that, In some way,
at some time, he would even matters
with the tricky clergyman, so he said
nothing but kept thinking. Shortly after
ward he went to a neighboring town on
a visit and took the horse with him.
When he returned, it was understood
that he traded his horse, and the min
ister was one of the first to show an In
terest in the new animal. Every day the
young man passed and repassed the par
sonage, and as- often as he did so the
clerical figure appeared at the front gate.
When the time was ripe there was some
preliminary talk about horses In general,
and finally about that horse in partlcur
"Want to sell him?" Inquired the min
ister at last
"No, he suits me."
"Looks a great deal like that horse
you bought from me," he remarked, with
"There is one difference: I don't get
taken In the second time on a trade,"
replied the young man; "besides, he's a
better horse all around; goes twice as
well, you can see that yourself."
The talk ended, as all such talks do, In
a trade, by which the clergyman got the
horse and the youth made $25 over his
former deal. Then he awaited the sequel.
It was npt long In coming. The mln-
A Matter of Tolicy.
While honesty Is policy
And truth a Jewel too,
Td hato to be the person
Who told everything that's true.
Who Instead of lying glibly,
"What a lovely child Is that!"
Must In truth say to Its mother,
"What an ugly little brat!"
Just suppose at some reception,
Entertainment shouldbe slow,
And we fret and fume and fldat
As wo often do, you know,
Who would care to make his farewell
Truthfully to host and say,
"I've been simply bored to death, air,
And I'm glad to get away7"
Who would care to meet a lady
Whom he hadn't seen for years,
Greet her pleasantly and tell her
How much older she appears?
How much nicer to lie glibly.
Lie sincerely, and to say,
"Why, It seems to me that you are
Growing younger every day?"
Be he saint or be he sinner.
Would a mortal man, forsooth,
Ever dare go out to dinner
If he had to tell the truth?
Say the roast was tough, and tasteless.
Soy the soup was seasoned wrong.
Say 'twas strange how weak the coffee
When the butter was 20 strong!
When the amateur canary
In the parlor warbles gay,
Like a buzzsaw on a tantrum, '
Who would care to rise and say,
"Goodness me. but how you flatted.
My, how shrill your high notes are, "
I have heard young calves that blattcd
Better music better far?"
It to truth you have a leaning.
It's not always best to say
What you think on some occasions.
There's another, wiser way;
'Twlxt your policy and conscience
To affect a compromise.
Let what you think be truthful
If what you tell be lies.
Good Timet in- Georgia.
Bees are swarming.
Honey is In,
Birds are singing
On every limb. ,
Full of sass, r
Cows are lowing.
v Farmers happy
Hear their "gee,"
" Fruit is loaded -
On every tree.
Day and. night.
f Fish are willing
Your hook to bite.
v Thro" thick and thin.
And telling they're
Going to win.
Clerks are busy
In every store.
Girls are pretty ,
As never before,
Walker County Messenger.
I ister appeared In a terrible rage, breath
ing threats of vengeance,
"That's the came old horse. You've de
ceived and cheated, me," he declared.
'You will have to refund the money."
"Go slow,, parson. T didn't say anything
about it being a different horse from
yours. I said he was different in one
way, and so he was. That hair dye I
put on his white legs and the spot in
his forehead was all right I dln't tell
you 1 hadn't used any, did I? That was
what made him ("liferent, nothing else.
Mr. Snodgrass (to hired rnan) Say, Jim,
forkfuls? Air ye glttln' weak?
Jim No; 'taln't exactly weakness ez I knows
And If I was you I wouldn't say much.
Seems to me It would be better not to.
If I should tell the whole story It
wouldn't sound nice for you."
Evidently the parson decided that It
would not, and the subject rested. New
ROUGH OX THIS GAS MAX.
Bnt Says He'll Get Even for Belnpr
"Help! help! police! Merciful goodness,
where Is that policeman?"
When it Is -whooped up In this style
along the upfier section of Cass avenue,
from a fronf-gorch In the middle of the
afternoon, It lk"paralyzlng, blood-curdling
and generallyerrific. Therd was a great
rushing forth, to women. They held their
dresses in the best position for running,
leaped eagerly forward, asked what it
could mean, and wondered.
One wiry little woman of 70, gritty as
"Go, bring me from that crowded street
The choicest morsel man may eat;
Prepare It for my miaday meal.
Let this thy skill and taste roeal!"
Thus to his servant spake the sage.
Renowned for wisdom In his ago.
The willing slave, no longer young.
Went forth and purchased only tongue;
Prepared the meal, without a word.
And boro It to his gracious lord.
He silent ate. and eating, thought
It strarge that onlj tongue was brought.
The morrow came; "Go bring me, sure.
The -Ulest dish thou canst procure;
Prepare It for my midday feast,
Mj Sandate change not In the least!" ,
Thus to his servant spake the sage,
Benowned for wisdom In his age.
Again the crowded street was sought.
Again tongue only tongue was bought;
Prepared again with skillful hands.
This servant filled his lord's commands.
The master ate, and eating, thought
It strange that tongue again was brought.
"How Is it" thus at length he speaks
"Thou dost Indulge such senseless freaks?
I ask the best, and tongue receive;
The worst, and tongue again jou give;
I cannot surely understand v-
How this agrees with my command."
"My lord! for wisdom world-renowned,
I pray thee thlnk;"where can be found
A thing so good, so pure, forsooth.
As the good tongue, the tongue of truth?
And what so bad, so vile, so mean, """
As tho bad tongue. Impure, unclean?
"Both good and bad they are, my lord,
And thus have I obeyed thy word."
The master gravely bowed his head;
" 'Tis ever thus; thou haB't well said;
In high or low, in old or young.
The best the worst is found in ongue."
Harvey Wendell in Harper's Monthly.
"What Is his bridge to heaven?" they cried,
And the warriors held their breath,
Ao the grizzled King of a hundred fights
Went down to the river of death.
"What Is his bridge to heaven?" they, cried,
"Is it bostloned with buckles and spears, '
And girded strong with the Iron blades
Of the battles of bygone years?
"And what are the voices he hears In his,
Are they the clamors of fight
Or the echoes of splendid victories that com
As he stands by the river at night?"
"Nay, nay," and they stand by In wonder and
For all that he builds on there
Are a withered blossom, -a baby's shoe,
And the lock of a woman's hair.
And the only voices he hears In his dreams.
As the world dies out on his ears, .
Are an old love-ballad, a baby's laugh.
And the sob of a dead wife's tears.
W. W. Campbell in Pearson's Magazine. ' '
she was venerable, beat the corpulent po
liceman to the scene of trouble. "What
Is it?" they inquired In discordant chorus.
"Burglar," in high note3. "burglar in
the cellar. Wonder that you got here at
all. If you can't run faster than that why
don't you walk or send for the wagon?
Burglar in the cellar, I said."
"D I guess not," from the policeman,
"not in broad daylight"
"Well, sir, you can Just guess again.
Didn't I say there was a burglar in the
what's tho matter that ye. pitch up such leetle
cellar? Hasn't he been pounding, swear
ing and yelling to get out? I've got him
trapped. Come on, If you are not afraid."
The policeman led the way.- The woman
of the house had a hatchet, the old lady
was armed with a flatiron and the police
man had a gun in one hand as he raised
the trapdoor with the other. "Up the steep,
narrow steps came a man with a lantern
and a-unlform. Jle was,mad for keeps
and roaring forth his word that somebody
would pay for his imprisonment "Been
in there an hour," he announced. "Case
of false imprisonment, if there ever was
one. Bolted the door just after I went
down. But don't you forget that I'll get
"Man that reads the meters," sneered
"Came mighty near hitting him," trem
bled the old lady.
"Lands. I forgot alL about his going
down," from tho lady of the house, "but
Oh, H'England 'as a poet with a 'arp o
But Lor! they seem h'all busted when 'a
lifts Ms voice and sings!
Is metre's like a daschshund with bow Tegs
behind h'and 'fore;
III tell you, H'England quivers when 'is
Pegasus doth soar! '
'Is laurels h'are o burdock er o chlckweed
er th' like;
'Is verses all remind us o' the novice h'on
'E wobbles h'and 'e wobbles, h'and 'Is bloom
in' tires give h'out.
When 'e fills 'is lung wltn atmosphere h'and
starts 'is mighty shout!
They dassent jump h'upon 'is neck because
'e's laureate. ,
H'and gits three hundred pounds per year
h'and Malmsey wine h'and cate.
'E h'is the fambly minstrel, and 'Is wires
h'are badly sprung,
H'and h'lf 'e lived h'ln n'olden times, 'tis
plain 'o would be 'ung!
Oh, h'evcry time the British h'ln South Afrlo
win a town.
This laureate. In jig time, does the h'eplsoda
'E gallops h'ln h'lambics, h'and 'o whoops
h'ln spondees long.
H'and 'is dactjls h'and Ms trochees h'are
both picturesque h'and strong.
'all Columbia, Yankees h'all. that we've
no tethered muse
That wobbles for three hundred pounds
h'and eke a keg o booze.
The shade o' Tennyson h'and h'all who rodo
h'ln golden cars
Oh, well, this H" Alfred h'is a poet hut HI tell
you what. It Jars!
Harold MacGrath In Syracuse Herald.
"Willie "With the Short Coat.
We've sung about the women and their frills
Their waspish waists and trailing skirts, their
tightly compressed toes; v
We've laughed at all their foolishness their
follies we've expressed
Of things that we must put up with, if they
would be well dressed.
But while we wax sarcastic lot us make a
Of the man with padded shoulders and the
muchly shortened coat.
Wo rave of woman's "silllnes" in rainy-day
Which she'll not wear excect'on days when
sunshine beams like Are,
We hoot and howl at her big hats, we Jibe and
sneer and scoff.
Because she'll use complexion tints that some
times peel right off.
But overlook her for a while, and help us to
The masculine attire the coat that hasn't any
It strikes him at the wafet band, and looks like
a widened belt,
The queerest-looking garment that you ever
saw or felt
The shoulders lump and hang around In broad
and swagger style.
And miss the shoulders of the man by some
thing like a mile.
Let's sins no more of woman's whims, but
take a carping crack.
At Willie with his coat tall ending half way
up his back.
his last bill was highway robbery any
how, and that's worse than burglary."
Detroit Free Press.
- JUMBLED IDEAS.
Tried to Rise to the Situation, bnt
Couldn't Manase It.
He So nice to find yoa here I scarcely
thought you had returned to town.
Her Sister Oh. yea: we brought
Our pastorale to quite a sudden close
The. chilly weather.
He Too bad! I suppose
Your sister, also, has returned?
yHer Stster Oh, she's quite wen. She's not
at home Just now.
He Ah!. What & charming season we hart
Her SisterJust charming! Yet tt makes one
feel so glad to be in town.
He Yes. truly. Did you say
You thought your sister would stay lonr
Her Sister Oh, no. She meant to make a
call or two
He What are you reading ? Is It something
Her Sister A Tery clever, comprehensive
Upon the negro of the South.
That should be Interesting. Z have seen
Much of the Southern negro.
Has she boen j
Do you expect her soon? X mean your
Her Sister Not Just yet
Ho Aheml Of course,
The negro of the South lacks mental
Such as the Northern negro shows. No
She'll come In time for dinner?
Her Sister She went out
Just after luncheon.
He Well ah as I said.
Tho Northern negro has the clearer
His mental qualities havo far outgrown,
Those of the Southern ne Is she
I might walk rd own to. meet her.
Her-Slster (with sarcasm) Tes, you might.
He Though, to be sure. It- la .delightful,
To chat with you. The negro et the
Has had a wider chance of branching.
Whereas, the negro of the South, at
You don't exactly know which way
Her Sister I don't
He The negro of tho South, well, he
The necro of the South in fact, you
He naturally Is er ah of better stock.
And finer grain. It must be 5 o'clock.
I really ought to go. Tell her I'to
The book we spoke of. I wilt bring It
, Yes, his association with the whites has
, Him gentle, cultured, graceful.
The negro of the South he well In this
Bespect. would seem By Jove, ah! there
Madeline S. Bridges In Truth.
"1TTS SHANGHAI 1"
Specials That Lie and Dispatches
He but smiled a smooth smile that was
childlike and bland, watching Seymour
the while1 he allowed him to land. That
was Monday-7-next day he for fight colled
his queue, and the dickens did play with
the ships at Taku. Then on Tuesday ho
smashed and bombarded Tlen-Tsln, while
Goin', Coin? Gonet
Goln', goin', goin' gonot Mother, dear, don't
Th' old home passed t' other hands, but mebbe,
Wo may save an buy another, though no
place" 11 ever be
As dear as this one that we've lost has been
V you an' me.
Goin', goin', goln' gone! Mother, come away,
Th ol' farm's ben knocked dawn an sold
It does no good t stay;
We've tried our best t save it hut tt wasnt
It ain't our home no longer mot&or, dear,
I don't know as I ever see th' oi farm look
Never see a deeper green en every shrub an
Clover blossoms never smelled t$ fresh and
Iitlacs never grew so thick, it seems, as th
The ol' white house with its green blinds, the
woodbine creepin on,
'T won't do no harm, I guess, t take a las'
look 'fore we're gone.
Tried our best f pay th debt we did. th
Lord must know;
But somehow couldn't make Itquite mother,
dear, le's go!
Goln', goln', goin gone! I seem V hear It
Seem t hear the auctioneer my eyes some
how gets wet.
Gone t pay th' mortgagee, an wo are crowd
Gone! So many things are gone that folks
don't think about.
Every blade o grass an' tree;" every foot cf
Has got some hauntln memory, some sweet
ness cllngln 'round.
Somo memory for you an me, that other folks
It seems somehow they're speakln now moth
"er, dear, le's go!
Goln, gone! We couldn't save It, mothtr
dear wo tried.
But everything went criss-cross th caws took
sick an" died,
We had t' sell th' horse th farmln didn't
An" troubles sort o' double-quicked sometimes
the' come that way.
Goin', gone! The pasture lands; th dairy
house beside ,
Th brook; the first house that we built where
Sue and Johnny died.
T other folks it's simply loain' of a bit o
But toe's a loss t you an me that they can't
Goin', goln', goln' gone! X wonder what's th
Twlnln' heartstrings 'round an' 'round, Jes tT
tear 'em loose.
Goln', gone! Th' way o life; why th good
Bulldln up for yeara an' years, an' then away
Hopes or homes, lt' Jes th same what we
Other bands mus reap th fruits an wo are
Story always Jes the same, frm th light o
T th twilight's mist an shade hopes goln',
goln, gone! -- -
Seymour Just dashed up and captured Pe
kln. But on Wedneseday willed It tha
Orient fate? Sir Seymour was killed Just
outside tho South Gate; and that same
afternoon, on the very same ground, the
perverse I-Ho-Chuan. did Sir Seymour
surround, and compelled him to shin
down the road to Taku. while aavine- Tien
Tsln. as he'd set out to do.
But in ways that are dork (which I
mentioned before) the top high-water
mark was here reached by Seymour, when
the state he descried of the town of Tlen
Tsln, missionaries outside and the Box
ers within! For he charged on the walu
and before 6 o'clock ha had massacred all
that evangelist flock!
Twas a way that was dark, call It right
eous who mayr 'twas a very strange
"lark" for a man dead a day. Yet fret
not nor chafe for his treating them so he
believed them safe at the mouth of Pel
ho. while maintaining hl3 ground 20 miles
from the coast 'gainst the prisoners
bound and a wild, fleeing host. And 'Ms
fully assured that the envoys he'll save,
though each has been Immured 20 times In
his grave; for each time they are alain.
or by ones or the batch, their hopes they
oxplaln through a cheering dispatch, of
his allied marines, each to each a true
brother, fighting Boxers by means of at
tacking each other.
"Oh." we say, "It's Shanghai I That's
the way we explain that for specials that
He and dispatches that pain 'the Mongo
lian faker's peculiar. New York Mall and
NEW SYSTEM OF MXEMOJflCS.
Hovr .Missies Remembers "What His
"Wife Wants Him to Bay.
My friend; MIcah Mlggles, has a sys
tem of mnemonics all his on When
he wishes to remember one word ho
thinks of another that may sound qulta
different but that bears some relatloa
of ideas to the word ha seeks to retain.
Thus, if you told hint to buy a pair of
socks, he would Immediately think of tho
word "sockdolager," and, 10 to 1, when
he arrived at tho store the word would
have turned Into doxology, and he would
come back with a hymn book. Bo his
system has its faults, but Mlggles swears
by it, and once In a while ho evolves
a triumph In his line.
Last week, his wife asked him to stop
at Munnimaker's and buy a few things
for her. He Immediately made a list so
that he should not forget I was with
him when he drew out this list at Munni
maker's. "Hello 1" said he, "what's all this royal
family about? I can't think whether It
was books or kitchen utensils that Mrs.
Mlggles asked me to get" This, after
reading his list
"What's on the list?" I asked.
"Why, I made It out In my. own system,
you know, and I can't think of the key
to It I've got to have a starter always.
It says, 'King Henry V., one Prince of
Wales, one Duke of York, Queen Vic
toria and Marquis of Lorne.,, too."
"Why, It's historical works or photo
graphs," said I, but I was really quite
in the dark.
"No," said Mlggles. "Just help me to
think. I'm sure It wasn't books or pic
tures. I think It was dry goods."
Quite accidentally I put him on the
track. If I hadn't, In spite of his sys
tem ho would have gone homo without a
bundle, and as he is a commuter, that
would have been a little irregular.
"What is King?" I said, half to my
self. "Ha!" said Mlgglns; "thanks. "Cotton
13 king old expression. Cotton 'King
Henry V, equals five yards of cotton."
"Good!" said I. "But what In thun
der Is 'one Prince of Wales? "
"Prince Prince prints one yard of
prints!" And Mlggles laughed with Joy.
"There Is more intthat system than 1
thought," said I. "But what can you
make out of 'one Duke of York? "
"Duke Duke Duke. Duke Duchess.
Ha! one yard of duchess lace."
"You're a wonder!" said I. "But what
can 'Queen Victoria and Marquis of
Lorne. too. mean?"
Like a shot he answered: "Two yards
of Victoria lawn! Hooray!" Charles
Battell Loomls, in the Smart Set
He Was the "Party."
A Coney Island excursion, steamer was
leaving New York with but few passen
gers aboard. The boat had just cost off,
when a stout man, with a very red face,
rushed down the pier, and, flourishing his
stick, shouted: "Hey, captain! Put back
back her quick! Here's ,a largo party
wants to go."
The captain was at first derisive, but
finally Bhouted from the pilot-house:
"How large Is the party?"
For an instant the fat man hesitated,
then he yelled back: "Between 60 and 70."
As soon as the captain heard this num
ber he Instantly ordered the steamer back
and made fast again. The fat man wad
dled across the gang plank, and, picking
out a nice deck seat, fanned himself with
a straw hat Meanwhile the captain and
his crew waited for the party to arrive.
After waiting five minutes and more tho
captain turned impatiently toward the
stout man and asked: "Where's your par
ty between 60 and 70? Thlsbpat can't
wait all day for them."
"Oh, that's all right" replied the fat
passenger, with a bland smile; "I'm the
party; 65 today, sir."
The captain's face grew redder even
than the passenger's as he furiously rans
the bell to steam ahead, but the fat man
at once became the hero of tha boat
Killed His Patient.
At a lesson in a medical college tha
other day one of the students who was
by no means a dullard, was asked by tho
professor: "How much is a dose of ?"
(giving the technical name of a stronff
"A teaspoonful," "was the .ready reply
The professor made no comment but
the student, a quarter of an hour latrtJ7
realized that he had mode a mistake,,
and straightway said:
"Professor, I want to change my,an
swer to that question."
"It'B too late, sir," responded tho pro
fessor, curtly, looking at his watch.
"Your patient has been dead 14 minutea."