The Sunday Oregonian., July 29, 1900, PART THREE, Page 23, Image 23

r -THE SUNDAY OBEGOKIAN, PORTLAND, JULTB' 29, 1900.
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She Is Mr Love.
Ia the measure of the original Irish Gaelic
Love Sons.)
She Is my love beyond ail thought.
Though she hath wrought my deepest dole;
Yet dearer for the cruel pain
Than one who fain would make me whole.
Bhe Is my glittering pern of gems,
Who yet contemns my fortune bright;
Whose cheek but slows with redder scorn
Since mine has worn a stricken white.
She Is my sun and moon and star.
Who yet so far and cold doth keep,
Bhe would not even o'er my bier
One tender tear of pity weep.
Into my heart unsought she came,
A wasting flame, a haunting care;
Into my heart of hearts, ah, why?
And left a slch forever there.
The Epectator.
WISE IN HIS GENERATION
Precocious Chicago Kid Improves
the Shining; Hour "While Visiting:
Fnr-Famed Alexandria.
A Washington man Invited a Chicago
boy to accompany him to the City of
Alexandria, Va. The boy was In the
National capital with his mother, who
was sightseeing. The Washington man
always suggests a trip to Alexandria
after the visitor has done the capital.
The boy mother could not go, so the
man took her boy. The boy was 12 years
old, but he had been kept so busy on
modern events and the happenings, of
today that the man found it difficult to
Interest him In the history of Alexandria.
The first thing the boy asked when they
left the trolley and started rambling over
the cobble-stoned streets was, "Why don't
they call it Aleck?"
This was a short stop to the Washing
ton man's enthusiasm, but he was in for
It. He ignored the boy's query.
"See that house over there?" said the
man, pointing out a landmark. The boy
looked and nodded his head.
That's where Colonel Ellsworth was
shot and killed."
"Whafd he been doin'?"
"Why, don't you remember?" Then the
man told him the story that was the talk
of the country in the beginning of the
Civil War.
'Its a candy shop now," said the boy,
who hadgot a glimpse of the window.
"Now we will'go up and see the Confed
erate monument," said the man.
"Not until you take me over and blow
yourself In for some peanut brittle," said
the boy, leading the way. The man fol
lowed, spent a nickel, and suggested to
the boy that he ought to save some of
the brittle to show his playmates and
tell them the history of the house where
It was bought.
Couldn't See It.
"I can tell 'em without showin the
candy," He replied. "If they don't be
lieve the story, I don't care. I don't see
what the klllln' of one man's got to do
with a nickel's worth of peanut candy,
anyhow. If it was a quarter's worth; it
might be different."
The Washington man made no reply,
but led the way to the handsome bronze
in the center of a street.
"That," said the man, "Is a Confed r
ate statue to the memory of the brave
Virginians who died for the Lost Cause.
I reckon you have never seen a Confeder
ate statue before,"
"It ain't in it with the Grant monu
ment in New York." said the boy. "Did
you ever see the Grant monument In New
York?"
"Oh, yes. The Grant memorial was
erected to a great soldier by the people
of the country and New York City. I am
glad to know that you have seen It and
remembered It. This statue here Is to
the memory of some who were opposed to
Grant in the Civil War. Now, you have
seen memorials by both sections of the
country,"
"I don't think much of this one," said
the boy, biting off more brittle than he
could chew. "I've seen wooden. Indians
out on Madison street blgger'n that."
"Now we will walk over to the Brad
dock house."
"Bully!" exclaimed the boy. "That's
the hotel, ain't it? I'm hungry for din
ner; ain't you? Is it far?"
The Washington man made no reply,
but led the way to the old historic home.
Standing before it he told the story.
"What was his name that stopped
there?" asked the boy.
"General Braddock. a British officer."
"What was he ddin down here?" asked
the boy.
"Why you know he was sent here in
1754 to help the colonists get rid of the
French, who, with the Indians, were caus
ing trouble out West."
"Not In Hawaii?"
"Oh, no. In Pennsylvania."
"Say, Pennsylvania ain't out West. Now
come off."
"But it was in 1754."
His Idea of "Out West."
"Well, I don't care anything about that.
Since we're expanded we call Hawaii 'out
West,' and the Philippines, which belpng
to us now, are so far West that the sun
sets way this side of 'em, so that we call
'em In the East, see? I thought this
Braddock house was a hotel.
"Now we will go over and see Washing
ton's lodgeroom," said the Washington
man, mopping his forehead.
"I'd rather see the room where he ate,"
the boy replied. "What do you want to
see where he lodged for?"
"This was where Washington was made
a Mason," explained the Washington
man.
Oh, I know! Where he rode the goat.
Gee, that's bully. I thought you meant
It was where he stopped nights."
After this landmark had been inspected
and explained,, the boy caused the Wash
ington man to have a chill by saying:
"If Washington was the great man they
say he was, I don't suppose the goat ever
lived that could do him, do you?"
,"I want to show you the house in which
La Fayette was entertained " said the
man, ignoring the boy's opinion about
Washington and goats.
"He was a Frenchman, wasn't he?"
asked the boy.
"He was."
"What was he doln' oown here?"
"Why,1 ho was a guest of our country,
and Alexandria was doing the honors."
"Why, you Just said that that Britisher,
what's name Bullock, or Bradford, or
whatever it is you Just said he was
down here helpln the Americans get rid
of the French, and now yoir say this
Frenchman was down hero beln enter
tained. Ain't you gettin' mixed a 'little
in your dates?"
The Washington man bought another
bag of brittle, and explained briefly how
he was right.
"Let's go somewhere else," said the boy.
"I ain't Jollyin the Prench much since
they acted kind o' funny at the start In
the war we had with Spain. Were you
in that fight?"
The Washington man said he was not.
"You know about it?"
"Oh yes."
"Way to Treat Soldiers.
"Didn't the Rough Riders and Teddy
do 'em quick? Say, there was fightin' to
beat the hand. My sister's sweetheart
was in that war, and when he come home
you orter to see the time he had. He
ain't done no thin' since but Just eat and
go' to parties. That's the way to treat
soldiers."
"Republics are .never ungrateful to their
brave defenders," said the Washington
man, sentimentally.
"Oh, I don't know about that," replied
the boy. "My gbv'nor was In some war
or another, I don't know which one it
was. He'll tell you. And he got shpt
two or three times, and got a furlough
besides, and he's been up for office every
election since the war, I've heard ma
say, and there ain't been enough grateful
votes to land him' yet."
"Shall we go over to the old church
where the Father of His Country wor
shiped 7" asked the Washington man.
"How fur is itr
"Just ahead of us."
The Washington. man led the way to the
venerable and venerated Bhrine which has
been visited by thousands. At the gate
they met a boy, who asked if they wanted
to be shown around. The Washington
man thanked him with characteristic
Washington courtesy and passed on. .
"Boys in Alexandria make money," he
said; "acting as guides."
"Do you think ho has any?" asked the
boy who was visiting.
"I'm almost sure he has," was the re
ply. Somewhere, later on. Just where or how
does not matter, the Washington roan
and his young friend became separated.
They met again, however, and the Wash
ington man suggested that they return
to the capital, which they did. The
Washington man was not so communicat
ive as he had been. When the car reached
the long bridge the boy, who .had been
reading and eating, remarked: "
Bit of Confidence.
"You know that boy guide we met in
the churchyard.
The Washilngton man said he remem
bered him.
"Well, if he "don't do' a good deal of
guldln' pretty soon he won't have any
Spring clothes to wear."
While the Washington man tried to look
out of the window at the yellow water of
the Potomac the boy continued his re
marks: "When you went, to Washington's
Church I kind o fell back and got that
guide, and we went around hack of the
church and I showed him a little, game he
never heard of. He was the easiest mark
I ever saw."
A few days later the Washington man
The Delegate From Sassafras.
UNCI-B DAVID 8PEAKB.
I have just came up from Squashville, where
the Prohibition cause
Is a-flourlshln' like sixty stronger than it
ever was! ""
I'm a-tendln' the convention as" our counter's
delegate.
And, I swan! some cf these places where the
sinners liquidate
Air the dumdest, blamcdest finest lookln'
halls I ever see
But Jlst why they call 'em buffets Is & thing
that bothers ma.
Brought my wife along up with me. bo's to
let 'er see the town
Jlst the trip that she's been needln' fer she's
terribly run down.
And the doctor recommended that a change'd
be the thing.
So sho set 'er mind on comln' bow. the liquet
flows! I Jlng!
Seems as though tho beer and whisky that
they sell here in a day
Might float six or seven steamboats If 'twas
used the proper wayl
But a-body does git thusty trampln' up and
trampln' down.
And the water's simply awful people git In
this here town! .
How they do stick on the prices when you
call for lemonade
It's the liquor people's schemln' makes It that
way, I'm afraid!
Oh, It's awful and It's sinful that these gilded
dens should run
But the day Is swiftly comln when we'll
close 'em, every one!
Cousin Dan'l'fl folks Insisted, when we come,
we'd rot to stay
Bight with them, and so we haven't any tav
ern bills to pay.
Gosh, but they've been doln' splendid since
they've got to llvln here
Dan'l tells me that he's makln' six er seven
thousand clear.
And he says they've got some tunnels here
he wants to take me through,
And a lot of other wonders that are well
worth seeln', too.
My! How they do rip things endways In this
town and how It's grew
Since the last time I was her In '81 er '82!
Cousin Dan'l says he's fixed It so's that we'll
go down tonight
Him and me and gtt our supper at some
place that's "out o sight"
Dunno why It should be that way, but Z
s'pose he knows what's best
Ail Tve got to do, be says. Is go along he'll
do the rest.
Tes, this water's simply awful that we bare
to drink up here
Cousin Dan'l'a folks don't hardly ever eat
without their beer
Oh, it talrly makes me trlmble, thinkln' what
they're comln to.
Bavin' slch stuff on tho table It's an- awful
thing to do!
And we're roln me and Danl down to look
around a mite
Dunno why the things he mentions, though,
should all be "out o slsht."
AUNT HETTT 'SPEAKS.
Oh, it's sinful and It's dreadful David he's
upstairs In bed!
And his tonsue's all over furry and there's
Ice tied on his head!
And It seems as though I never want to see
his face no more!
And to think bow proud he made me and
how grand he seemed before.
Elm that represents our county him they
carried home last ntght, . . J
Bavin' crazy and declarln everything was
"out o slghtl"
Chicago Times-Herald.
returned to Alexandria alone. He was
seen talking to a boy in the churchyard.
The Washington man will never, tell an
bther Chicago boy ;that some other boy
has money. One item in his "expense to
Alexandria" Is "Boy guide, H 40." Chi
cago Tribune.
HE WASTED SOCKS.
Bat the Easy-Going; Man Had a Hard
Time Tellins; It.
An ' easy-going looking man, with . a
couple of double chins, walked into a de
partment store the other afternoon,
mopped his forehead and looked around
mildly, as if waiting for somebody, to
notice him. A dapper floorwalker with
a boutannlero approached the double
chinned man after awhile.
"Anybody waiting on you, sir?" in
quired the floorwalker. ' .
, "No'pe, not yet," said the man who
looked easy-going. "I'm looking around
for some hose "
"Ah! Mr. Thlrdfloor, this gentleman
is looking for your department," said
the floorwalker to a clerk about to step
Into the elevator. "Take him up and
show him our line of hose."
The double-chinned man stepped Into
the elevator after the clerk and was con
ducted to the garden hose .section.
"Now, what size are you hunting for,
sir?" asked the clerk. "Weve got half
inch, inch, -inch and a half, two-inch all
sorts. Do you want it for"
"I think you're a little mixed, as-"
"You want- to water the front lawn,
eh? Interrupted the clerk. "Well, you'll
;need about 20 feet, I should say, of inch
and a quarter"
"Just wait a minute"
Mr. Thlrdfloor Is Wound Up.
"But it'll pay you to get a good long
piece. In case you move, you know, or in
caso you want to carry the hose through
the basement and water the plants in the
back yard. Now. there are different"
"Just give us a chance to"
"-Different grades of hose. It pays now
adays to get the kind that's wrapped with
wire, so mischievous boys who step on
the hose when you're using it can't in
jure It! It costs a little more, but that"
"Say, will you Just dr up for a"
"We guarantee every" foot of hose we
sell here, and It's not the kind that gets
porous and leaky after you've used it a
few times, but it'll last you as long"
"Look a-here, are you going to"
"It's a good thing not to leave it -out
in the yard after you're through using
It, though, for hose ought to be kept
dry when it's not in use, and colled up
so as to give It a chance to"
"By Jing! are you wound up for"
"You'll want one of those sprinkling at
tachments, too, so that you can rest the
hose in any 'part of the lawn and let it
do its work automatically, and"
"Hey, hey, you!" said the double
chinned man In & tone that could be
beard all over the floor, reaching out and
clutching the clerk by the lapel of his
coat. "Pull up for a minute. Stop work
ing automatically yourself. Quit that
phonograph conversation and gimme a
show for my white alley. Just listen to
me, will you? How the dickens did you
get the Idea that I was sailing around
with blood In my eye looking lor a garden
hose? Have I got any grass In my hair?
Have l gdt that suburban look? Do I
make you think- of the 'Man With the
Hoe,?' . . . '
"I'dldn't come here for a lot of rubber
tube wherewith to make a front yard
OEMS WORTH REA
.The. Good Old Days.
I have paused to hear the mustc of the big
perfecting press
As it hammers and it clamors to rebuke my
Idfeness;
I have seen the pages leaping from the mighty
whirllng'scroll.
And the roar and bang and rattle has made
music to my soul.
And yet (perhaps I'm growing what they call a
bit passe)
I don't feel quite contented with the methods
of today.
As I watch the step of progress I can scarce
restrain a scowl,
I am longing for a foot press and a printing
office tow'l.
It seemed Just like a miracle, an Iridescent
dream, ' v
When flnt we got a little press that ran with '
real steam.
And now, while steam is useful In Its honest
way, nodoubt.
We hare electric motors, modorn built, to help
it out.
Wo said Inventive genius, though It grew each
year more ripe.
Would never be on hand with a machine for
setting type.
Til admit the new way's better though 'I'm
half Inclined to growl.
While I'm longing for a foot press and a print
ing offlco tow'l.
Oh, Where's tho jovial nomad who would work
' about a week
And then lay down bis stick and wander off,
new fields to' seek?
Where Is the printer's devil? In his place we
find a crowd
Of bright-faced, chubby cherubs, fit to perch
upon a cloud.
And from the forms I mlis the news that once
" appeared so big.
About the new church organ and the Widow
Splcer's pig.
It rests my dazzled brain to let my memory
take' a prowl
To when vrt had a foot press and a printing
office tow'l. Washington Star.
Only a Dream.
The editor sat at his broad-top desk.
With manuscript up to his eyes,
Conscientiously trying (as subeditors would)
To award the deserving a. prize;
When a arranger approached him with steps
soft and light.
And a smile on bis face, kind and true.
And said: "My dear sir, allow me, I pray.
To present a small tribute to you.
You have tolled late and long, you have tried
hard and well.
To obtain by the use of your purse
Tho best efforts of writers, young, old, large
and small.
In humorous, short story or verse. t
I present you this prize for your labor of love.
For your dollars are hard earned and few;
And I hope that the years, as they slowly
roll byt
Will lessen their labor for you."
The editor took with a.smIlo and a bow
A package tied up with ink string.
With visions of marmalade, jelly or wine.
Like subscribers usually bring.
But no I There before bim law pile upon plls
Of greenbacks, tens, twenties, galore.
And as he feverishly counted them up
There still remained score 'upon score.
His breath came and went In sobs like a girl.
He counted, but still there were .more!
When a rough voice shouted, "Wake up, Jim,
old. boy!
Great "grief, man. It's a quarter to four!" '
Philadelphia Inquirer.
soggy. . I, haven't got any front yard. I
have-to sit on my front steps when I
want, to get cooled off. 1 never said a
word about garden hose. Say, did you
ever hear, of hose that .the stern decree
of fashion makes us wear on our feet
socks, stockings, stockinettes, the knit or
spun or woven things we wear underneath
our shoes.? Hey, d'Je ever hear of 'em?
Did hey? Well, that's what I want.
That's, what I'm around here hunting for.
That's what I'm rubbering around this
plant for not for rubber'hose or rubber
necks or rubber anything ej.se. I want
socks. G-lmme socks or, gimme death!
Now, how do you like 'to llsteh to a
llttlo game o talk yourself on a. hot day
without -a- chance to butt In edgewise?
How do you like to stand' and listen to a
continuous performance hot air spiel,
when the temperature's 98 and still a
cllrablng? Socks! Glmmesocks,!"
Then the double-chinned1 njan paused to
gasp' for breath, and the- bewildered clerk
silently conducted him 'to the sock de
partmentWashington PosJU '
"PAW EXPOUNDS THINGS.
Explains to "Maw" Hqvr the Candi-
dates Are Notified,
"Wvell,."' paw sed when we w,ere Sitting
on the portch and Little '.albert was out
In ' ihof yard squirting thei' Bjose, "I see
they notafled Mucklnley.'' '
""Have they?" maw toldj'hlrfli "you bet
ter, see about putting "Tha, hose In or
turning off the Water bfipreASumbuddy
gets sprinkled on."
."Thatf3 the grate trouble with wim
men." paw anscrd. "They never had a
chance to Be boys, so jtfiey want their
poor Little sons to Alvfra-VB act like if
They were agoing to Gro'up and be pur
fict ladles, some day. What are we pay
ing wattcr Taxes fer enny way? It seems
like Jf t never get setqowrj, to Tawk
about seerlus matters that .you Don t
think of sumthlng you want me to Jump
up and do. Did you heorm'e felling you
they notafled Mucklnleyi"
''What about?" maw as,t. ,
"About him getting" noraraUnnateo,"
paw sed. i . "
"I thot he new About that all the time,"
maw told him. ,' ,,
"I gess he did have J)lfl, susplshens,"
paw anserd.
"Then what did they 'haft to notafy
him for?" maw ast. ,,
, "Bocoz-that's the onlyyray the publlclc
has to Find out If He's frilling to Run,"
paw sed. "How could "Ennybuddy tell
whether he Would take (t or Not If the
Cummltty wouldn't go to See him and ast
about it?
How It's SInnntxed.
. "So they get a Speshel 'train, and some
Bands and start, and The manThat hast
to tell the Presadunt about it has a
Speach three collumns long fn his Pockut,
and the Presadunt gats a big Tent bllt
out In the yard and extry groceries and
Lemmunade In tho House.. becoz the hired
gurl dropt tho Dish cloth at Breckfu3t,
and that's a shure Sine they are Going
to be visaters. '
"Pritty soon the purrade comes up the
street WJth the Band playln a hot Time,
and the Presadunt goes out on the Frunt
portch and shakes Hands; and the Sena
ter from Masset Choosets mokea his
speach. It was Sent down two weeks
Before to let them seeif They was Enny
tKlng In it that ottent to Be there, and
tho Seckretalry red It, so' the Presadunt
don't haft to LIssen. That's Where he
has tho Advantldge over other peeple.
Tnle of a Whale.
Sing .hi., sine ho, for tho winds they blow!
And where is the craft Boneet?
Has she shipped anew with a 'spooky crew
And sailed with the Phantom Fleet?
"Nay more, nay more," sayrher pilots four,
"As we sighted the Farallones
She. struck the whale with the Iron-dad tall
And he tent her to Davy Jones.
"Oh.' right and tight was the craft Boneet
As we neared the Island 'chore.
And who would quail at rock or" gale
When a boat has pilots four?'
"But never a Ja:k of our -merry pack and
never a skipper bold
Can count on a whale with an iron-clad tall
Though for years and years on the sea he sail
And his head be care and old."
Oh. tell me, tell me. sallormln, ,
Oh. tell me pilots four.
How !ame your boat In Davy's rhest
!Xnd yourselves on the balmy shore?
"We're blunt and rough," say th,e pilots bluff,
"And we tell no fancy arn.
Sa-here's our tale In Its outline frail
Though It smclleth of flan,, by, darn-
"We struck no rock and westruck no shoal
A? we passed, the Farallone.
But we struck a whale who.flfpped bis tall
And sent us to Davy Jones, ,
"And this we'll add," ald the pilots rad.
"We've sailed near Arctlo, snows ,
And we've felt the breeze of 'tho tropic seas
Where the dreadful typhoon blows,.
f
"But never yet -has pilot met
A critter-In all tho zones '
Like the sassy whale with the Iron-clad tall
Who lives near the Faralqnrs."
W. A Irwin In San Francisco, Examiner.
.
Dear Minister WU,
The following glowing lines japted by my
suggestion that tho Chinese jjwfrer be held
as a hostage, are by the greatpOet. Jaxnrach
Holobour. They are based on thn Mongolian
belief that a Chinaman dyins without a pig
tall cannot enter heaven, but is sent back
to earth as a domestic anlmali s
Dear Minister Wu. 7
They are "mentioning" you f
As a candidate for the crown
Or whatever affair
Tour Emperors wear, .,
With the pigtail banging down.' ,
. But, Minister Wu.
That never will do, ,
For If Corner to heaven ascends
You can't truly say,
Inxthe regular way.
That' you're "In the hands of your friends.."
Ah, MlnUter Wu. ',
Your friends will be few,
Your "boom" will collapse, I'm afraid
- "The Imperial crown
Will settle right down
On. a man with his hair In' a braid.
For. Minister Wu,
We've the purpose In view.
If Minister Conger Is dead,'4
To- compel you to kneel, t
And to pass the broad steel
Through the neck of the tali of your head.
tf '
Poor Minister Wu, r .
'Twill be painful to you
To hear, when you die without that
Most precious, essential- ' ..
- Mongolian credential, ,
The Chinese St. Peter shout. 'Scat!"
Ambrose Blerce in New York Journal.
After they get Thru telling him he is
nommunnated he --makes a Speach he
rote a munth or Two before the conven
shen got "Held and Tell3 them how sa
prised he is, Becoz he Didn't expect enny
thing of This kind to happen and says
as Long as they've gone to Work and
Done it and it would make a Lot of Hard
feelings If he didn't take It he Gives his
consent. Bo the cummltty breathes -easy
again and Gets their fotograff taken on
tho Frunt steps."
"Well," maw says, "I don't seo enny
sents Jn That kind of foollshnuss."
"That's becoz wlmmen were made to no
more about Working button-holes Than
polluticks," paw anserd. "
A Supposition.
"Sposen they wouldn't have a ccm
mltty to Tell Bryan he got nommunnated.
How could the peeple 'that got Together
af Kansas Slttle becos that was the
Place he picked out for Them and Did
what he told them to by Telefone have
enny Treason To think they could Get
him coaxed to Run If they wouldn't Send
a commltty he could make a Speach to?
They mite Go ahed getting his plcktcher
put on Buttons and Spending munny to
get up marching Clubs and picknlcks and
the First thing they new Some morning
when It Was too late sumbuddy would
ast him about It and He would say:
"No, I can't run. They put the Heven
born raltcho seven Lines further Down
than the place where I marked for It
With the blue pensul. That's faltle.
How could I stand on That kind of a
platform without letting peeple Think I
mightn't rather be Rite than presadunt?
It would brake my Hart to Get eleckted
on account of having1 Free silver neerly
Down to the Bottum where It wouldn't
get red About. If It would be Four lines
hlcher up' mebby I mite"
Then the pupp came galluplng thru tho
Yard and Little Albert tride to Turn the
Hose on him, but got Most of it en Paw
whare he had his vest open.
Poor little Albert! Sumtlmes I haft to
wonder If it Docs any good when we Say
our prayers to Ast God to blass paw and
make him a Better man. Georgie, in
Chicago Times-Herald.
MAX'S PLACE DEFINED.
JYntifrht bnt a Wart on the Kose of
Ifntore.
At the fathers' congress, held in this
city" shortly after the adjournment of the
mothers' congress, Fred Presbery deliv
ered an address on: "Man; How, When
and Why Is He?" He said in part:
"Man that is born of woman Is of few
days and full of microbes. He hoppeth
out of bed In the morning and his feet
are pierced with the tack of disappoint
ment. He walketh through the streets
of the city In the pride and glory of his
manhood and sllppeth on the banana peel
of misfortune and unjointeth his neck
He smoketh the cigar of contentment and
behold! it explodeth with a loud noise, for
It was loaded! He slldeth down the ban
ister of life and encounters many silvers
of torture. He llcth down to sleep at
night and Is stung by the mosquitoes of
annoyance and his frame is gnawed by
the bedbug of adversity.
"What is man b,ut the blind worm of
fate.? Behold', he Is Impalied upon the hook
of despair and furnishes bait for the le
viathan, death In the fathomless ocean
of time. Sorrow and travail follow him
all the days of his life. In his infancy he
is afflicted with the worms and colic,
and In his old age he is afflicted with
Dnlclnen.
Poet, although you've been extremely kind.
The time has come when I must speak my
mlndT
I think it is absurd for you to write.
My "lips' are like "twin cherries" what a sight
Fd be lfsuch a silly thing were truel
Do cherries really look like lips to you?
Then, "shell-like ears!" To the marines, pray
tell.'
My ear Is like a hard and slimy shelll
"With ejes like stars!" Indeed, sir. even at
night.
My eyes are not two yellow dots of light.
And I confess It gles me quite a twinge
Just to Imagine "lids with Jetty fringe."
"Hair like a raven's wing!" Fancy a maid
With short, stiff quills that wouldn't coll or
braid!
And I would be the most distressed of girls
Were my teeth small and spherical "Ilka
pearls."
As to. my neck, you really should be told
'Tls not "like alabaster," hard and .cold.
Then, "arms like ivory!" Candid, I must own!
own!
Why don't you say they're nothing but a bone?
Oh. jirlthee. Poet. If you think me fair.
With, better things than these my charms
compare! Carolyn Wells In Life.
Jast A-Waltin
Waltln' Just a-waltln' for Jack has gone
away;
Gone away to the Philippines an he's twenty
two today.
Gone away like his father did when the wars
broke out before;
Gone away an my heart today is achln ta
ther core.
Waiting Just a-waltln' on' I don't know why
it Is.
But I wish some other mother's son wore that
uniform o' his.
I wish some other boy than mine was
,a-marchln far away.
Waltln here with a' hauntln fear an he's
twenty-two today.
Waltjn Just a-wnltln with a picture an a
curl
Ai awUh a-tbrobbln with my heart that he
was born a girl.
I wish the country 'd never called I know It
Isn't right
But I'd be glad to see my lad in bis little bed
tonight.
Waltln Just a-waltln an' I hope the warrln'
men
Will never more in all the world have any
wars again.
I hope that mothers never more must wait
Just wait, this way
Walt apart, with a yearnln heart an bo's
twenty-two today.
Baltimore American.
What's the UaeT
The man of an Inventive mind
His tireless brain will rack,
A covering for ships to find
Impervious to attack.
'And when success seems Just' In view.
Some other genius, great.
Produces & projectile new
'To smash his armor plate.
Washington Star.
rheumatism and Ingrowing toe-nails. He
marryeth a cross-eyed woman because her
father is rich, and flndeth that she hath
not sense enough to fry the festive chuck
steak. His father-in-law then monkeyeth
with options and goeth under.
"What is man but the tumor on the
neck of existence? He playeth the races
and betteth his all on the brown mare be
cause he hath received a tip. The sorrel
gelding wlnneth by a neck. Behold, he
runneth for office, and the dead-beat
pulleth his leg ever and anon, and then
voteth for the other man. He exalteth 1
himself among his people and swelleth
with pride, but when the votes are count
ed he flndeth that his name Is mud. Ha
boasted of his strength in Israel, but is
beaten by a red-headed man from the
Bloody Third. He goeth forth to breathe
the fresh air and meditate upon the van
ity of all earthly things, and is accosted
by a' bank cashier with a sight draft
for" $300. A political enemy lleth in wait
for him in the market place and walketh
around him crowing like a cock.
"Verily, man Is nothing but a wart on
the nose of nature; a bunion on the toe of
time; a freckle on the face of tho uni
verse." Salt Lake Herald.
SCIENCE WINS OUT.
Dnt It Upsets Preconceived Rural
-Ideas of Fishlnjr.
The boy sat on the, dock hopelessly in
ert. A flshpole lay uselessly by his side
and he looked out over tho water with
eyes that seemed only to see the hollow
ness of the world. He was barefooted,
with one- pants leg dragging around a
foot and the other rolled half-way to his
knee. His one suspender half held up a
pair of trousers that already needed a
new seat, and his cotton shirt admitted
the sunshine through a dozen holes to
redden his arms and back. His hat let a
bunch of hair come out at the crown to
get the air, and If there were any clean
places on his face they were occupied by
freckles. His fishing tackle matched him
perfectly. The pole was a willow switch,
with a black thread line knitted to a
pin hook and he had one pocket filled
with fishing worms. A nail served as a
sinker and he scorned a bob. All In all,
he wa3 a genuine type of the boy who
fishes.
But there was something at fault, and
the dockhand, who had a boy of his own,
noticed It and went over to see what it
was. '
"Hello, bub." he said in a kindly tone,
"what's- the matter?"
The boy lifted his face to the man's
and was silent.
"You look sick, sonny," ventured the
intruder.
"I am," said the boy now. "I'm slcker'n
a cat."
"What's wrong."
"Look at that dude over there."
The dockhand looked over the way and
observed a man in the latest cut of fisher
man's garb with a basket and a can and
a fishing rod and lines that were simply
elaborate.
"What's he got to do with itr in
quired the dockhand.
"Aw," growled the boy, "look at me
and look at hm. I ain't had a bite all
mornm and he's got a string ,of fish as
long as your leg. Look at him," urged
the hoy. "he's Just like the kind that the
funny papers says never catches a dang
nibble, while a boy lookln Just like me,
The Mountain-Climbing: Ctrl.
Wo read about the seashore girl down where
the breakers play
Who listens to proposals six or seven times a
day.
The Summer girl who flits about the "Boarders
Taken" farms,
The cycle "girl In sawed-off skirts exhibiting
her charms.
The picnic girl Is bold and sweet, the mother
girl-Is wle.
The golf girl wins admirers with her strokes
and with her eyes.
But In the ranks of glrly girls there Is no
fairer pearl
In all the wholo caboodle than the mountain
climbing girl.
Her face is delicately brown from kisses of the
sun.
Her ryes are ever twinkling with tho merry
light of fun,
Her laugh Is as the babbling brooks In which
she loves to wade.
Her shoes and stockings on the bank In neat
confusion laid.
Her song is sweet as notes of birds that watch
her from the trees.
It rings as liquid music on the ever-bracing
breeze;
She's brave as any lion and as ntmbfo as a
squlr!
That Western bunch of energy, the mountain
climbing girl.
At break of day she'll hit the trail with alpen
stock In hand.
Her face a charming picture by tho early
breezes fanned.
And up the rugged steeps she'll climb with
never-tlrlpg powers.
Oft lying with an open book upon a bed of
flowers.
Through wildest gorge. In canyon dark and up
the rocky steep.
Along- the creek whose waters bright o'er
boulders dash and leap.
And where the brooks from hidden springs
down through the plnons purl
She goei upon her dally jaunts, the mountain
climbing girl.
Anon sha'U pauso to pluck a burr that's cling
ing' to her hose.
Or pluck from off Its parent stem a fragrant
mountain rose.
And when that lazy feeling comes He down for
cat-nap sleep.
Nor fear In that wild, lovely spot that eyes
aro near to peep.
She'll roam till gatherln; shadows herald the
approach of night.
Then hasten home to supper with a hired
man's appetite
The sxnoklnir pork and beans she'll hit a gas
tronomic whirl
Oh! she's a hefty feeder, is the mountain
climbing girl!
The haughty belle of fashion In her tailor
fitted gown
May ridicule this Jewel with the hands and
face so brown.
May laugh In queenly manner at her rough,
loose-fitting clothes.
And sneer to see the redness of her little sun
peeled nose: ,
But let them laush as freely as their corsets
will allow.
They cannot snatch" a laurel of wild beauty
from her brow;
Tho ones who think her horrid aren't really fit
to curl
The breeze-entangled frizzes of the mountain
climbing girl. Denver Pest.
with a pin hook and a thread line, snakes
'em out so fast that they have to head
him off with a game law."
"He might be a hoodoo," suggested the
dockhand.
"Mebbe,' 'said the boy, slinging his pole
Into the water; "but if he ain't the papers
is yeller." Washington Star.
SURPRISED KISIGHT OP RAZOR.
Vigorously Instructed as to Duties
of His Profession.
A. bald-headed man. with four days
growth of beard on his chin, went Into
a barber's shop and sat down in one of
the operating chairs. To him presently
went; the knight of the razor, who re
marked. Interrogatively: "Shave. Sir?"
"No,'" growled the man in the chair.
"I want to be measured for a suit of
clothes."
This statement seemed to surprise the
barber, but he managed to say, "This
Isn't a tailor's shop, sir."
"Isn't itr v
"No, sir."
"What is it?"
"It's a barber shop."
"What sort of work do you do In this
shop?"
"Shave men and cut their hair, sir."
"Do you think a man with no hair on
his head would come in here to have his
hair cut?"
"No, sir."
"Do I look like a lunatic?"
This was replied to by a silent shake
of the head, but th hnrhsr imiMi..o
thought he wa3 acting like one.
"Then, presuming me to be a sane man.
but bald-headed, what would you nat
urally suppose I came here for?"
"For a shave."
"Then, my dear sir, why did you ask
me if I wanted a shave, when I took a
seat in your chair? Why didn't you go
to work at once? If some of you bar
bers would cultivate a habit of Inferring,
from easily ascertained data, instead of
developing such wonderful conversational
and catechetical powers. It would be of
material aid In advancing you in your
chosen vocation, and of expanding your
profits. Do you comprehend?"
"Yes, sir," replied the man, as he be
gan to lather the customer's face in a
dazed sort of way, and he never asked
him if he wanted oil on his hair when
the operation was performed. Tit-Bits.
HEARTFELT PRAYER.
Scared Georgia Citizen Becomes Un
commonly Devout.
An old man In Georgia named Jack
Baldwin, having lost hi3 hat In an old
dry well one day, hitched a rope to a
stump and let himself down. A wicked
wag named Neal came along Ju3t then,
and, quietly detaching a bell from Bald
win's old blind horse, approached the
well, bell in hand, and began to tlng-a-llng.
Jack thought the old horse was coming,
and said: "Hang the old blind horse;
he's coming this way, sure, and he ain't
got no more sense than to fall in on me
whoa, Ball!"
The sound came closer.
"Great Jerusalem! The old blind fool
will be right on top of me in a mlnlt
whoa. Ball whoa. Ball."
Neal kicked a little dirt on Jack's head
and Jack began to pray:
"Oh, Lord, have mercy on whoa Ball
a poor sinner; I'm gone now whoa. Ball
Our Father, who art In whoa. Ball
hallowed be thy gee. Ball! gee! what'll
I do? name. Now I lay me down to
si gee. Ball! (Just then in fell some
more dirt.) Oh, Lord, If you ever in
tend to go anything for me back. Ball!
whoa! thy kingdom come gee. Ball! Oh,
Lord, you know I was baptized In Smith's
mllldam whoa, Ball! ho! up! murder!
whoa!" ,
Neal could hold In no longer, and shout
ed a laugh which might have been heard
two miles, which was about-as far as
Jack chased him when ho go: out. At
lanta Journal.
LOSE THEIR INTEREST.
Hnlo of Romance Dissipated by n
Disclosure of Identity.
At a large wedding reception recently
the attention of a couple of girls was at
tracted to a rather fine-looking man,
whose prematurely gray hair and clear
cut features combined In giving him a
distinguished appearance. "I see him at
nearly every large wedding I go to," said
one. "I wonder who he can be. I've
asked Iot3 of people, and nobody seems
to know." "Yes, he seems to be invited
everywhere." "Yes; I've noticed him. too."
said the other girl. "While he apparent
ly goes to nil the big weddings, he doesn't
seem to know anybody; or, at
least, I've never seen him talking to
anybody. He's such an Interesting-looking
man, too. I'd love to meet him. He
looks like a man who -had lived and and
suffered."
A young man standing near, who could
not help overhearing the conversation,
laughed. "Perhaps, I can throw some
light upon the Identity of your mysterious
hero." he said. "Do you know him?" ex
claimed both girls in the same breath.
"Well, I can't say that I exactly know
him," replied the young man, "but I know
who he Is. He's a private detective. Per
haps you have noticed that he never
strays far away from the tables on which
the gifts are displayed. That's what he's
there for to watch them. You know
there are social highwaymen In"
"Let's go downstairs and get some claret
punch," Interrupted one of the girls.
Buffalo Enquirer.
She Saw.
"Did you ask papa?" she questioned,
eagorly.
"Yes, and It's all off," he responded, as
one'ln a dream. j
"Why, did he refuse?"
"Np. but he said when I asked to take
you away from him I was asking to take
away the light of his life; that the home
without you would be a prison cell."
"Well, all papas say that, you big, tender-hearted
fellow."
"I know," he responded, huskily, "but
it Isn't that."
"What Is it, then?"
"Can't you see? He expects me to take
you away from home, and I wouldn't
have the nerve after he talked like that
to stay and er well, don't you see?"
"I see," she answered coldly. Indian
apolis Sun.