The Sunday Oregonian., July 22, 1900, PART THREE, Page 23, Image 23

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J.'" THE. SUNDAY ORE&ONIAN, PORTLAND, JUIT5.-22,-i96o.
SUM3IER. MADXESS.
Her rfover.
If I. dear, -were a dewdrop
And you a blade of grass .
Through all the fields I'd seek you,
The clover buds I'd pass.
And when, at last, I found you
I'd nestle In your breast.
That you should be more tender
And greener than the rest.
Her Father (Sotto Voce).
Oh, If you were a dewdrop.
My buck, I -wish to say,
Tou'd make a fearful blunder
In dropping: 'round this way!
Tou doubtless -would make greener
The thins you touched, I vow;
But I'd proceed to spill you
The same as I do now!
Chicago Times-Herald.
SET 'EM ALL
"Wise Gothamlte Play It Low Down
on "the Bunch," "With a. Manu
factured "Black Eye."
The other afternoon a young man -with
visible means of support In the shape
of sundry and divers diamonds carelessly
strewn about his person walked Into
that Sixth-avenue establishment on the
exterior of which this sign is exhibited:
BLACK EYES FAINTED. :
BLACK EYES CURED. :
SCRATCHED FACES PAINTED. :
"Say," said the young man with the
precious stones to the artist In charge,
"I want to have one of 'em painted."
"One what?" asked the artist:
"Lamp," replied the young man with
the numerous transparent carbons.
"What for?" inquired the artist. "Your
lamps are all right."
"Uh-huh, I know that," said the be
jewelled youth. "But I want you to put
one of them to the bad. Make It look
like it'd been hit by a steamboat. I want
to get the bunch guessing."
"Oh, that's it, hey?" said the artist, get
ting out his brushes. "Going to con 'em
out of a piece of change?"
"Well, not exactly that' was the re
ply. ""I'll let "them make tbej books them
selves. All you've got to do is to make
One o" these windows' look like I had had
a mix with a trolley car and been counted
out, or been trying to bronco-bust up
at the Garden. Make It the worst ever.
Tm going to give my "Willie Wise friends
the chaw of their lives."
Workmanlike Job.
The artist went to work, and In some
thing less than eight minutes the young
man with the dazzling crystals had as
bad-looking a left orb as ever resulted
from a mixed-ale social in Hancock
street. The artist made a thoroughly
workmanlike Job of it. The eye was black
and raw-looking both atop and below.
When the Job was done the young man
looked at himself in the glass with man
ifest satisfaction.
"Makes me look like I got mine all
right, don't it?" he asked with a grin.
"Couldn't ha got a worse one if I'd been
rude to Jim McCoyfrles. How many?"
The artist named the price of the Job
and the young man paid him and depart
ed. He walked to a housed refreshment
oasis In Twenty-eighth street. Every man
that he met on the way turned and
grinned at him. A large number of "the
bunch" were sitting and standing around
the Twenty-eighth-street place. The en
trance of the young man with the left
eye in mourning appeared to tickle most
of them foolish. They threw these and
other remarks at him:
"Light up. TSou're lamp's out."
"How does the other geezer look?"
"Say; get somebody to soak the right
with a golf club, so's they'll match."
"Don't look like the same fair-haired
boy, does be?"
"Why didn't youihrow one of your
rocks at him?"
"You will take advantage of John L.
because he's fat and try to tell him how
to run a bar, will you, hey?
"Well, don't play quarter-limit poker In
a flat, then."
"Why didn't you blind him with your
hat and land on his wind before ho got
that one In on you?"
"Oh, yes, you're fit to be seen."
The young man with the awful-looking
orb didn't make any reply. He only
smiled weakly, ordered a vlchy and milk,
drank it and walked out.
In the course of the afternoon he met-
about a) members of "the bunch," singly
or In pairs, at different places on his
route. They all asked him In confidence
how he'd got it. He told them In confi
dence, first come first served, and these
are some of the various ways he pushed
It at them when they asked him, singly
or in pairs, how it happened:
How It Hnppened.
"I was playing ball."
"Pet dog Jumped at me while dream
ingthe dog, I mean."
"A banister got sore on me In the dark
and pasted me."
"Got it in the siege of Ladysmlth."
"Sparrow cop clubbed me with a beer
bottle for picking pansies in the Park."
"Was singing 'Because when It hap
peneddon't remember the rest."
"Got hit with a bean bag."
"Told a fan out at the ball game that
the New Yorks were mutts and selling
platers." "Steering-rod of my automobile hit me."
"Asked a Broadway cop if he was mak
ing a handbook on the Aqueduct races."
"I was fighting with a man who knew
how to fight and he gave me a black eye."
The above are only a few that he told
the different members of "the bunch"
who asked him about It singly or In pairs.
They were all back In the Twenty-eighth-street
place a few hours later,
when the young man with the mussed
eye again turned up. The eye was still
a sight to behold.
One of "the bunch" was making a book
on how It happened. They all put down
a bet. The book went something like
this:
Ho got punched by a man who knew
how, 1 to 5 on.
He fell off his bike, 5 to L
He was pushed off a car, 7 to 1.
He fell upstairs, 10 to 1.
He fell out of bed, 15 to 1.
He wasn't Johnny-on-the-spot with his
room rent, 30 to 1.
He told the welter girl at the hashcry
where he eats that she" hadr nice eyes,
30 to J. , -
His fox terrier jrnp accidentally butted
Into him, 50 to 1.
Field. 3 to 5 on-
Most of them were playing the odds-on
chance at 1 to 5. A few pikers and long
shot players nibbled at the more liberal
odds, but the plungers considered that
any price was a good one on the chance
at the top of the list, and they stood to
go broke on it.
The young man with the eye sat down,
ordered another vichy and milk, and
grinned. He didn't say anything. The
man who was making the book took all
the bets In sight, being finally compelled
to rub tha 1 to S to 1 to 10 on the "fa
vorite." "All set?" said the bookmaker, looking
around the room.
Up to Him.
No more bettors came forward and so
the maker of the handbook walked over
to the young man with the eye.
"Now it's up to you, pal,'1 said he.
"Cough up,' and had it out straight.
How'd you get it?"
"All right, said the youth with the eye,
yawning and stretching. 'Til be back
in a minute."
He got up and disappeared for 3) sec
onds in the rear room. When he re
turned, still yawning and stretching, his
left eye was as good as the right. There
wasn't a mark on it."
"The bunch" gazed at him agape. ,
"It's a split." said the bookmaker,
clutching the bills he had taken It. "The
house or the book, and that's me draws
down half," and he edged around toward
the door.
"It's a Job!" yelled the frienzied bettors.
"We get a draw-down or there'll be
crime! Don't let him out! Soak him!"
But the maker of the handbook did get
out, with about half a dozen on "the
bunch" in pursuit. They hadn't returned
with him up to the hour this report closed.
"You're a h 1 of a gang of come-ons.
you are," said the youth with the erased
black eye, leaning back in his chair and
leering ,at the members of "the bunch"
who didn't Join in the pursuit of the
welcher. "You're smart people, ain't
you?"
Then he had to punch a hard loser who
Intimated that he was In "with the welcher
on the handbook. New York Sun.
"PAW" VISITS BRYAN.
"Georgte and "Mbit" Accompany
Him to ITebraska.
After the convenshun was all Over paw
says:
"I can't ever go back home and settle
Down to Blzness again without Seeing the
peerless Leader of the plain People and
Shalking him by the horny Hand that
sawed the Slats for the Heven born
Chicken coop."
So we Came around By the way of
New Brasstkla, and when we Got there
they Took us Out to the humbull cottidge
where the Idle of the masses was Sitting
on the frunt portch with a Flag rapped
around him Reeding the decklarlshun of
Inderpendlance while leven artists Were
making picktchers of Him.
"How did you get to Be the Trlbbewn
of the people first?" paw aat. 'D'd It
Just come natcherl to you or did you haft
to Lurn how after yeers and yeers of
paishunt studdy?"
"I was Born that way," he told us.
Sons: of the Double Turret.
Braced and buttressed and superposed
And cased in a cark of steel
The seas may roar and the waves may pound
And the hulk that bears me reel.
But I am strong with the strength of Iron,
And O for the Tolce of me '
When they swing us out to the .battle line
On the breast of the bounding seal
One two three four.
Boom! and the death-bolts fly.
Rel and racket and ruck and roar
To the dome of the bending sky!
Sweep and swing, with the quarter clear.
And the engines throbbing true;
O. I am the fourfold thunderbolt.
The flame and the lightning, too!
Welt and rivet and bolt and bar,
Guidon and post and beam;
Steel to the deeps where the swivels are
And the superstructures gleam;
Strong with the strength of the quadruple,
And armed with the four-way sight.
With God to care for the stripling bold
That swings to me In the fight. '
Broadside on or straight ahead.
"Strike, or you die!" I ay
Gunboat, cruiser or annorclad
Skinned to the bone for the fray;
With four for one and a double quick,
0 Death Is the song I sing.
When the sights are set and the grooves
are wet.
And my gleaming batteries swing!
To crush, to shake, to rattle and rend,
I roar upon the foe.
The deeps adown and the dome above
To echo my thunder-throe.
I land a shard and the plate is pierced;
A shell and the deck Is swept;
Another, and, O for the red-capped foam.
And the deeps where the dead have stepped!
A starboard blow and a blast to lee.
Riding the column down,
Under tho sun and the stars I roam.
And gather them 'ncath my frown.
Ships of the line and the jabbering fleet.
What are they all to mo
Mountain ana mold of the thunder-throne
As I crush them under my kneel
Swung and swivel ed and set four-square.
With my steel-bored guns to boom.
When the lookout calls and the toe appears
On the path of his utter doom;
Hung to hurl welcomers with ton for ton.
And shiver and rend them, too
With heaven to care for the eyes that stare
Stone dead In a swirl of blue!
One two three tour.
Boom! and the lightnings leap.
Forward and aft In the rundelay
Of the thunder song of the deep!
Based and buttressed and superposed,
1 sweep to the roaring swell
A steel-girt sign of the skill of. man
To perfect the arts of hell!
Baltimore News.
"Dam' "Worlc No Mo.V
Early In de mornln
While de grass Is wet wld dew
I tells myself a story
'Bout de work I'se gwine to do.
An I sits beneath a shade tree
Whah de sunlight loves to play.
An' de ol clock keeps a-strtkln
While de daytime runs away.
Six o'clock an' seven o'clock;
Eight o'clock an' nine;
It's noon befo' yo' knows It.
An de dinner bell scun's flna.
One o'clock an' two o'clock;
Three o'clock an fo'
Da's all de time I's paid foh,
An' I daen' work no mo.
Washington Star.
'Jmb i" I Jar m J
"God's ways are mlsteerlous and Wunder
full.' Excuze me for a few mlnliS.-:!
must now Put on my Swetter and Cow
hide boots so I can Have my fotograff
taken Down In the wheat Field."
When that was all Over he came back
and sed:
The Only thing I can't understand
about-It Is Why Tommus Jefferson got
born quite so soon. The ways of God
are wonderfull and mlsteerlous. If Jeffer
son would be alive now they couldn't of
stopt him from Being my Running malt.
Walt a mlnlt. I see another man with
a fotograff Instrument Coming up the
Lane. I must hurry out to the potato
patch and be the man with the hoe."
After he Got fotograft that way he
dressed Himself like a Staltsmun and
held his Hand on the Constltooshen while
six more Artists got BIzzy making
Sketches of him.
"They only cheered 20 minutes when
Mueklnlcy was nominated," he told paw,
"But look at me. I got cheered 27 min
utes and 43 seckunds when my Grate
name got menshened. That's where it
comes in handy to Let the other side
name their man Furst, I
"If it wouldn't of Been for That the
i
plain people that Took me for Their Idle
without the aid or consent of enny Other
nalshen on Erth couldn't of told when
to stop and the RIppublickuns would of
Had a chance to keep on till They beat
our enthoozey azzum 16 to 1. Excuse
me wunst more. James Crealmun Is call
ing me to come back of the hen coop
and have my fotograff Taken while he
Holds the slat and I drive the nale. After
that me and the hired gurl will Take a
drink of watter out of the 8aim glass to
show I ain't proud and am the Trew
frend of the Tolling mlllyuns one of the
Plain people. I will also carry Swill to
the pigs as soon as a dellegaishen from
Mohawk, la., gets here, becoz that's a
grate hog country. I have Bot six
shoats and had a Penn bllt speshully for
this purformence.
.aiatces) ft speecB. i
"You will miss a grate site if you Don't
stay. They will make moovlng plcktures
of this Wonderful act to Sho In Every
stait of the country I luv co well, with
fonagraffs of tne pigs' Grunts." Paw
went around to See him Drive the nale.
but me and maw stayed on the portch.
U FTST r l ifii -j Blur I !f i l
EMSWORTH READER
"Millions In It."
Algernon FItzclarence Gotmllllons,
Married Evangellna Gotroz,
'Twas a function so grand
From all over the land
The friends of the pair came In flocks.
There were millions untold
Represented In gold
And additional millions in stocks. v
Evangellna was stunning and brilliant
Brilliant and wealthy and fair.
And she walked up the aisle
With an- angelic smile.
And a mlllon in gold for her sharer
Pearl encircled her neck.
With a eertlfled check
For a million stuck Into her hair.
Her dress was a dream In fine laces,"
Flounces and ruffles and frills.
With a mien of a queen
And a corsage of green,
'Twas a network of ten dollar bills.
And her grand promenade.
Ah, how graceful 'twas made
By her countless rehearsals and drills!
Algernon was graceful and gracious.
Breathing. I ween, rather hard.
Though his pathway made smooth
By ancestors, forsooth, ,
Who had dealt with aome foresight in lard.
And up from the door
A. cool million he bore
As a testimony of regard.
Then Algernon's papa made entrance.
With a bagful of gold made In He,"
And emptied It out
Mid an ecstatic shout
From the crowd, on the altar. In style.
And Evangeline's dad.
Dumped the million he had
On the jingling and glittering pile.
There were sighs, tears, shouts and exclama
tlons.
The great organ pealed furth ita roll.
In gilded confusion
And golden profusion
This Joining of soul unto soul;
And Algernon peeled
J"6rth his roll and revealed
A "thou" as the good preacher's dole.
The vows of the two hearts were spoken.
The pledges of true lore were made.
The wedding was ended.
The guests .were all blended
Past the altar In one promenade;
Whereby each In the unbroken
Circle some token
In cash or preferred stocks was laid.
Ah me, 'twas a glorious function.
Love wasn't there, but the stocks
That the two stowed away
In the bank, the next day.
Under seals, chains, bolts, bars, keys and
locks!
And Evangeline cried: "I've Gotmllllons!"
While Algernon cried: "I've Gotroxl"
Bismarck Tribune.
Enough Is Gnosgh,
Jimmy was kind and loving,
Mary was young and gay.
They sat up at night
With the mocn for a light, .
Till the chickens were crowing for day.
Her father was old and feeble
Her Another was up to snuff
"Just come right to bed.
Dear Mary," she said,
"For enough of enough is enough."
Galveston News.
"When-thevpeerluss Leader1 come back wip
ing the lOnnust swett from his fais he
-made a'speech:
FeHo"y31tazuns." he sed, "the Rlppub
llckuns say I am nof the trew frend of
the tolling masses. It Is False. Not one
of these poor fellows here with their
Cammeras ever works a mlnlt over time
after Jthe. -whlssel Blows If I can help It.
I am alwais Reddy "
Then he had to stop becos they was a
marching club from Brush Creek, Mo.,
came to See him have hisfotograft taken
while w.eanlng a Bull Caff that was Brot
up on a Bottul a purpose for the ocka-
slon. Paw wanted to stay for the grand
slle. But maw was afrade we mite miss
the Train, so she Wouldn't Let us go
Around Behind the barn with the Crowd.
"Georgie." In the Chicago Times-Herald.
SCARED TRAVELING MAN.
He Shins Down a Rope to Escape aa
Imaginary Fire.
"It happened last Winter," said the
drummer1, "but I have only Just calmed
down sufficiently to speak about it. All
my life' I have had a horror of being
HE LAUGHS BEST WHO LAUGHS
caught in a hotel fire. One' of the first
things I did when I took' to the road
was to buy a knotted rope, and put it in
my grip to guard against any danger of
my being caught in "my room and burned
to death.
"Well, one cold night last Winter found
me at a country hotel in the Interior of
the state. It was a three-fctory. wooden
affair, and a regular fire ,tr&P. My room
was on the third floor, and I turned In
that night with the fear of fire upper
most In my mind.
"Along about early morning I was
awakened by heavy tramping through
the hall, and, upon going to the door I
saw a party dragging a hoso along. That
settled It. The expected had happened!
Grabbing my rope I tied one end of it
to the bedstead and threw the other end
out of the window. Then I threw my
grip out and followed it "myself. I was
only half dressed, and the only warm
part about me on that celebrated slide
were my hands, which were badly burned
by the rope. I landed ltt n snow drift
and thanked my lucky stars for my es
cape. When I got the snow1 out of my
eyes I noticed. -with a good deal of sur
prise that there seemed to be no ex-
Unshaken Fnlth , j
They're tearing down the castles ,we',ye erected
In tho air
They claim that Brother Pamon never flour
ished anywhere.
They tell us that the story. oth!s friendship
was' a myth; '
But I believe In Damon, and 'I've faith In
Brother Pyth. '
They cite us facts and figures, claiming It's a
fairy tale. i
Of the residence of Jonah In the. Inside of the
whale;
And they say that Billy Tell,, did not take
snapshots at his eon .
But I believe the stories I believe 'em every
one.
t
They state that our Immortal fOeorge not only
lied, but he
Was not the lad who( hatcheted his papa's
cherry tree; '
But I blleve that Washington was a most
honest youth
If that tree was an orchard. I'd declare It
was the truth. y
They try to shatter my belief In Barb'ra
Frletchle's flag.
But still my faith Is steadfast, and It Is not
prone to rag.
I'd swear the tale was truthful if It said sha
waved a gun
For I believe tho stories I believe 'em tvery
one.
' i
They try to prove that Sheridan .could not
havo "saved the day,"
They eay ho didn't ride like mad from
"twenty miles away,"
But I put my trust In It I'm-content to go
It blind
Tve Just as Arm belief In It, aa If I rode
behind.
I pin mr faith to every one of all the good
old tales;
I've confidence In all the men. the horses and
the whales.
They cannot break my Idols they cannot
spoil zay fun.
For I bllee the stories I believe 'em every
one.
-Josh Wink, In Baltimore American.
' 'Way Down In Arkansaw."
In Arkansas along the road stopped my horse
and spied
An old gray-haired man who sat 'mid ruins
on ev'ry side;
It looked as if a cyclone had passed o'er this
lonely trail.
And so I asked the man, and thus he told
to me his tale:
"No, stranger, 'twant a cyclone that wiped
out this little town;
One day a chap named 'Burly Meade blowed
In an settled down
Here In this place an' started up a whisky
Joint, an' that
Was 'glnst the doctrines of tho town, an' so
we told him flat.
"We also told him easy if he didn't go, some
night
His place would Journey skyward by tho
route o' dynamite;
But, stranger, how he fooled us,, an he turned
us mighty pale.
When next day ho hung a sign out: Nitro
glycerin fer sale!'
"Well, we knew in J 1st a minute that to blow
him up 'ud be
To also blow ourselves into tho realms of
mystery;
An he'd, been runnln' yet, would this here
'Burly Meade.
If there hadn't been a feller in the town
what couldn't read." ,
Indianapolis Sun.
dtement.be.low. i.Rushlng Into the offlce.J
shouted-tothe.lanalord.who was" calmly
chewing a blotter: 'See-here,-don't you
know' the "house' Is", afire T
" VTalntno fire,' he. answered, clamly.
We're Jes havin' a lire drill, that's all.
We dan' t-take no chances In this yere
hotel. "New York Press.
SHE LIKED HAM.
And" Because. She Did, She "Was Fed
- on. Nothing Else.
According to one young woman's ex
perience It is not exactly wise to have a
decided fondness for any article of diet
and to let your friends know about it.
In her case, however, most of hor friends
had grasped the fact that she was par
tial to fried ham. She did like it once
In a while for breakfast, but she little
realized how wearisome too much of any
good thing may become, nor how Jubilant
the tired housekeeper is when she discov
ers some favorite dish to lead when In
doubt. She was going out to the sub
urbs for a few days, and before she left
she had a delicious slice of fried ham
served for her breakfast.
"Because I know how fond you are of
LAST."
The Manhattan.
ham," explained the old friend, with
whom she boards. The young woman
was pleased by the thoughtful little at
tention and ate with a thankful spirit.
It was near luncheon time when the
young woman arrived at her suburban
destination. As she went to the table
tho faint aroma of fried ham somewhere
In the culinary regions greeted her.
"It Is such a comfort to know what
you like," said her hostess. "I knew
I couldn't fail to please you If I had fried
ham for luncheon." The young woman
smiled still pleased with the thought
fulness and with fried ham.
That night she had promised to dine
with the young married friend who llvos
in the same suburb, and who Is tackling
household problems and the suburbs and
the domestic service problem all at one
and the same time.
"Yes, I'm without a maid again, and
Pm glad to see you," the young house
keeper enthused. At dinner she served
fried ham.
"It Is hard to know what to have to eat
these days, and I remember your old
fondness," she said In explanation.
So- it went on until to the young
woman's mind the future seemed one
"Willie's Barefoot Now.
There's mud upon the carpet and there's mud
. upon the stairs.
And there's mud inside the porch and kitch
en, too;
There are streaks of muddy footprints ever
where that Willie goes.
For he tracks mud In the house the whole
day through.
He keeps his mother busy cleaning mud from
every room.
And the hired girl kicks up an awful row.
Warm weather's here and boyhood days are
brimming o'er with fun.
For little Willie's going barefoot now.
It does no rood to scald "him.
Though fltty times you'e told him
To stop and clean his fet, but yet, somehow
He flies In through the door.
Leailng footprints on the floor.
For little Willi's going barefoot now.
There aro silvers every evening that his mother
has to And,
And stone-bruls.es that she has to doctor, too;
There are toes that have collided with a rock,
which she must bind.
And with arnica and liniment make new.
There are scratches by the dozen where tho
thorns and briars took hold.
When he scooted through the pasture for
the cow;
And there's music In the gloaming, when his
mother pull them out,
. For Httlo Willie's going barefoot now.
His, mother says she'll whip him;
The hired girl won't skip him;
There's bound to be an everlasting row.
The devil is to pay;
There'll be trouble, so they say,
'Caue little Willie's going barefoot now.
He musses up the clean white sheets upon his
little bed.
With his dusty, grimy, mud-becovered feet;
And everywhere he chases, from the cellar
to the roof.
His little muddy footprints you will meet.
He never stops to wipe his feet the saucy
little minx!
He says his daddy never learned him how.
And there's Jawing in the kitchen when tho
mop Is brought in play.
For little Willie's going barefoot now.
His father says he'll bless him;
The hired girl will "dress him."
His mother says she never will allow
Such footprints on the floor
Oh, there trouble, sure. In store
For Willie, since he's going barefoot now!
E. A. Brlnlnstool In Rochester Herald.
To the Boxer.
'T!s strange the difference there should be
(I often have observed before)
'Twist Tweedledum and Tweedledee
And now I see one Instance more,
'TIs you and I I do not mock, sir
0 most maligned, though worthy. Boxer.
White missionary folk you hate.
Wish foreign devils at perdition
I, too, am all for "Church and State,"
And growl at foreign competition.
We're both of patriotic stock, sir;
We've much In common, gentle Boxer.
You hold such visionary views
As "China tor the old Chinese,"
All "Little Chinamen" you abuse
I. too, have tendencies like these.
Off all Invaders' spots you'd knock. slr
And so would I, my worthy Boxer.
X trust that I have made It clear
That I'm a patriot to the core.
Who'd make his country's toes pay dear
And bo, though. I am no pro-Boer.
1 find, with something of a shock, sir,
At heart I'm quite a keen pro-Boxer.
Tacoma Ledger.
long procession of meals, three a day,
with fried ham as their chief constitu
ents. The crushing blow came with her
first meal back In her boarding place.
"We haven't had fried ham all the time
you've been gone. We thought we'd
wait until your return, because we knew
how fond you were of It." said her kind
old friend. New York Evening Sun.
BIDDING FOR HIS "WIFE.
Incident of
"Western.
Household
Auction.
"Funniest experience I ever had In the
auction business happened a good many
years ago," said the old auctioneer with
a reminiscent chuckle. "I was hired by
an, old farmer, who was going West, to
auction off his household goods and
farming utensils. I took pains to ex
plain to the old man that a second bid
on any article would bind the sale, and If
he saw anything going too cheap he had
better protect himself by bidding it in.
"The attendance was large and the sale
was a success. I cleaned up everything
in sight and then asked if he had any
thing else that he wanted put up.
" 'Gues3 thet is all, unless you put up
the old woman he answered with a
grin.
" The gentleman desires me to end the
Eale by putting up his wife,' said L 'How
much am I offered?'
" Ten cents,' said a wag.
" "Fifteen!' shouted another.
" 'Stop! Stop!' yelled the old man, near
ly beside himself with the way that his
innocent Joke had been taken.
" 'I am offered 15 do I hear the 20?
I continued, having hard work to keep
my face straight.
" Twenty," sold some one,
" Twenty-five,!' yelled the old man as
ho wildly danced about.
"A Joker raised the old man, who was
fast taking leave of what little sense he
ever had, and then by rapid stages the
bids ran up until $100 had been offered.
This was the old man's bid, and there
was no telling where It would have end
ed had not the old man at this point
seized an ax and threatened to break In
the head of the next man who dared to
bid on his wife.
"Tho old man shook me by the hand
after the sale was over, and thanked me
for telling him to bid In anything he
thought was going too cheap. He said If
it hadn't been for that advice he would
have lost his wife." Detroit Free Press.
AN IMPOSSIBLE CHASM.
Lawyer Had the Money and Appli
cant the Feelings.
"Could I have a few minutes private
conversation with you?" he asked as ne
stood at the open door of a lawyer's of
fice in the Loan & Trust building the
other afternoon.
"Can't you speak right out from where
you are?" asks-l tno lawyer In reply,
after looking the man over.
Td rather make a private matter of
it.".
"What is the nature of your business?"
"Confidential .strictly private and con
fidential, sir."
"Well, I hava no time to grant you a
private interview. If you have anything
The Hamming Bird.
"Yo see her slendeh wings unfui
En den she's flyln' soon.
On all de sweetness ob de worl-
De bosom of Miss June;
Do fennel hill.
Do meddeh still.
She hums her happy tune. i,
"Fah she sail on a Summeh win.
En yo" see heh 111 head bob.
Out in de line of scahlets thin
Ncah by de wateh stob;
Sallln' wld ease.
On de soufren breeze,
Lukln foh one mo' bud to rob.
"Ah see her when de sedges grow,
Deh In de misty gloom.
Hummln' sof on dlppln' low ,
To steal a poppy bloom;
En den she sail
Pas' grasses frail.
En break po' spldeh's loom.
"Oh. trumpet floweh, hide yo head,
Doan let yo petals paht.
Les' she shud spy yo pretty red
En spread her wings on dwut;
Fum wll' oats spahe
She'd skim de alh
En res' yo" tthed beak.
"All fro de sultry summeh day.
Until de sun Is weak. '
To ride-, de breeze en sallTaway
Anuddeh bud to seek, . ;
Off to de wes
To' seek yo nes
En res' you tlhed beak.
"Oh. hummln bird. Ah watch yo' go
Out In de blossom trees;
To' nebbeh hab to raise a boo
Or harrow field's lalke dese;
To sip, yo do,
Fum dow to dew
En lib at princess ease."
Chicago News.
Panning It Along.
The elephant started In and made a tremen
dous fuss.
Alleging he was crowded by the hippopotamus;
He entertained misgivings that the earth was
growing small.
And arrived at the conclusion that there
wasn't room for all.
Then the hippo got to thinking, and he was
frightened, too.
And so be passed the word along, and sassed
the kangaroo.
The kangaroo as promptly took alarm and
talked of doom.
And ordered all the monkeys off the earth to
give htm room.
And the monkeys jawed the squirrels, and the
squirrels Jawed the bees,
While the bees rave Hall Columbia to the
midges and the flees
In tho microscopic kingdom of themlcrobes, I
will bet.
That word of petty Jealousy Is on Its travel
yet;
All Just because the elephant got scared and
made a fuss,
Alleging he was crowded by the hippopotamus,
Lewlston Journal.
At the Beach.
Many and long are the letters written from
the seashore at this delightful season. The
following, however, to a plodding, stay-at-home
husband. Is beautifully brief :
"Dear John; I'm where
The ocean hollers,
;. I send some shells.
You send some dollars!"
Atlanta. Constitution.
fm 3 ' .
y y
whatyi8?tr?nl3t'c"gorlsrhthero- Now-
"J I wanter the loan of a quarter, sir
stammered the man,
"Oh, you did' And you wanted a pri
vate Interview to ask me that?"
"Yes, sir. I knew .that It would hurt
both our feelings, if I were refused in pub
lic youra because you couldn't afford to
loan mo the money and mine because I
couldn't get it. Can you grant my re
quest.' sir?"
"No, sir."
"And does it hurt your feelings?
"Not a bit. You are, mistaken on that
point,"
"And my feelings are the only onea
hurt?"
"Yours alone."
"Just so," said the man as he bowed
and backed out. "I beg your pardon.
I was mistaken. You have the money and
no feelings, and I have the feelings and
no money. Impossible chasm; no use in
trying to bridge. Good day." Washing
ton Post.
THOSE TEXAS HATS.
Explaining to an Inquiring Cbw
Why They Are "Worn.
In thev Texas contingent are half a doz
en stalwart fellows who would rather
Joke than eat One of them Is James B,
Wells, of Dallas. Mr. Wells is not a
delegate, but he cut3 no small figure in
Texas politics, and came along for the
fun he might getout of the trip. As
becomes a thorough Texan, he affects tho
enormously wide brim felt hat that has
come to be associated with representa
tives of the Lone Star State.
"I beg pardon," timidly ventured a
young man who sidled up to him in the
Walton, "but do you mind telling me
why Texans all wear such big, wide
hats?"
"Mind telling you?" replied Mr. Wells,
In a voice which could be heard all over
the corridor. "Why certainly not. We
wear 'em to save our lives. You see,
the most of us are ranchmen, and we
have to ride bucking horses frequently.
Know what a bucking horse is, my son?"
Mr. Wells' questioner nodded hl3 head
affirmatively.
"Well, sometimes, I might say about
half 'the time, we find ourselves on cussed
critters that we 'can't stick to. Then
up we go through the air at the rate
of a mile a minute, and often to a height
of 40 or 50 feet. Just there our wide hats
come In. We simply grab the outer edge
of the rim, hold 'em as far above our
heads as we can and float gently down
to earth again. The hats act as a sort
of parachute, you know, and if we didn't
have 'em on we'd fall and break our In
fernal neck3 as sure as"
By thl3 time Mr. Wells was talking to
a big audience, but the timid young man
was not in. it. He had fled by the way
of the nearest door. Philadelphia In
quirer. POOR, AFFLICTED FELLOW!
Tribulations of a Consumptive La4
at Slcule."
This 13 a genuine letter from a lad at
school to his mother. After complaining
generally of the school, the young gen
tleman sstys:
"I hope Matilda's cold Is better. I am
glad she Is not at skule, I think 1 have
got consumption, the boys at this place
are not gentlemanly, but of course you
did not no this when you sent me here.
1 will try not to get bad habits, the
pants have worn out at the knees. 1
think the tailor must have cheated you,
the buttons have come off, and they are
loose behind. 1 don't think the food la
good, but i shd not mind If 1 was only
stronger.
"The piece of meat i send you is off the
beef we hd on Sunday, but on other days
It is more stingy. There are black bee
tles in the kitchen, and sometimes they
cook them In the dinner, which cant be
holesome when you are not strong. 1
have a tame beetle as a pet.
"Do not mind my being so uncomfort
able, as 1 do not think 1 shall last long.
Please send me some more money, as 1 o
25 cents, if you cant spare It 1 think i
can borrow It of a boy who 13 going to
leave at the half quarter, but perhaps
you would not like to be under an obli
gation to his parents Yr loving but
retched son." Collier's Weekly.
Experiment of Psyche A Fable.
An Intellectual Young Woman, Psychs)
McClusky by name, had Never Known
what it was to be Admired for any Phys
ical Charm, for while she was Higher
Educated to an almost Painful Degree,
she lacked Beauty of Feature. Form and.
Complexion, and was even Without Fas
cination of Manner. She possessed, How
ever, Hemarkably Good Ankles, but she
Never Gave them a Thought until. On
Day, standing During a Shower at the
Entrance to a Large Dry Goods Shop, she
Became Aware that a Large Number of
Men had Taken Shelter there and were
Apparently as Pleased and Interested In
the Rain as though it Were a Baseball
Match. Psyche soon saw that the Rea
son for This was the Arrival of Hansoms
at the door from which Ladles Emerged,
Holding their Skirts High from the Pave
ment. They all Wore Trim, High-Heeled
Ties, Smart Silk Stockings, and a
Haughty, Far-Away Expression. Their
Minds were Evidently on some Abstruse
Subject which made them Unconscious of
the Interim Between their Skirts and tho
Pavement, Psyche, always Anxious to
Experiment, Purchased a Pair oft just
Such Boots and the next Rainy Day she
Drove up in a Cab to that "Very Shop.
Gathering her Skirts in One Hand, she
Stepped Out, her Face Drawn Into a Se
verely Intelligent Frown. Sho had Taken
Just Two Steps when her Ankle Turned
and she Fell Over. Seven Men Rushed
to Her Assistance, Helped her back into
her Cab. and Asked her Where they
should Instruct the Driver to go. It was
eight Weeks before she could Go Out but
she Looks Happier.
Moral Nothing 13 Impossible if you ara
a Girl. "Matinee Girl" in the Dramatla
Mirror.
Looking for Boxers.
Goodthing Hello, old man! What are
you doing In the Chinese quarters?
Surethlng (manager Slugum Athletlo
Club) Lookln fer Boxers. See? Chicago
News.