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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (June 24, 1900)
if THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, POBTLA2D JUKE 2, 1900. 2S gfrs I1UMQR gMI "TV Cr s It's Jane. Ho sang it so blithe, he rang it so clear And onlr.a bit out of tune; A worm down his back, a bug in his car "It is June, it is June, it is June!" Cle eland Plain Dealer. SHE WAS REAL HELPFUL Her Sympathetic Effort to Lessen the Labori o the Wcnry Census Taker. The young woman who bearded in the house was the only member of the family at home when the census man came. He had called In the morn tag without finding any one, and had left several large blanks to be filled out. The young wom an was wrestling with one of the blanks when the bell rang, and she greeted the mild-mannered census-taker with effusion. "You've come Just In time to save my tottering reason," she said cordially. "Hey," said the census man, who evi dently wasn't used to being treated with airy frivolity. "I've been trying to fill this thing out truthfully, and It's so hard to be scrupu lously truthful. Now. about my color. You see I'm In a transition stage between my "Winter color and my Summer color. My freckles aren't very bad yet; but I guess brown and lemon color would" hit mo off all right." She looked very serious and sadly puz zled, and the census man, whose sense of humor wasn't his strong point, hastened to explain. "Oh, you needn't to do that. I'd Just call you white," he said. "No, would you? That's good of you," ahe murmured, gratefully; "but there's eomethlng else that bothered me. I don't know the year of my birth." The census man looked weary. , "Could you give a guess at your age?" he asked, apologetically. "Oh, yes, I'm 23, but I can't subtract." "You don't look it," said the man. po litely. A Difference. "Well, I jdon't know. I may look as If I could subtract, but I'm sure I don't look as if I could divide." "Have you got a profession, ma'am?" "They say being charming is a woman's profession. You might put that down." He shook hte head with uncompliment ary decision. "Don't you do anything else?" "Oh, I paint poor pictures between times," sho admitted. "Aro you single, ma'am?" "Do you suppose I'd make a profession of being charming If I weren't single?" He admitted the force of the logic "How about the lady of the house, mlBs?" "She's out." "Yes, but you ca"ta tell me all I have to know." s "She's awfully white, but I don't know how old sho is." "Can't you guess?" "Oh, 3'es, I can gucs& Thirty-five's a good, respectable, uncompromising sort of ah age. Call her 35." "Where was she born?" "I don't know. She's lived in Washing ton and Denver and Boston and Colum bus, Ohio, and Jersey City. You can take your choice." "You don't know in which of them she was born?" "No. I know where she'd rather have been born than anywhere else." The census man cheered up. "Where?" "Virginia. She Just pointedly docs adoro Virginia." "All right I'll put her down in Vir ginia." "That'll be a real comfort to her," said the boarder. "What's your servant's name?" "Her first name's Norah." "Don't you know the last?" "No; and she's gone out. "What do you think htr name ought to be after Norah? Murphy would be all right, wouldn't it?" "Why, yes; I guess I'll put It Murphy. I don't want to come back again, you see. I ain't making much out of my dis trict. Tho families aro so small." An Anolofo. He looked distinctly abused; and the boarder promptly apologized. "I'm awfully sorry there ain't more of us," she said humbly. "Oh, it can't be helped," he sighed. "Now, my cousin, he's over in the tene ment district, 70 and SO folks in one house; and, it they ain't In, you can put them In. Folks will believe anything about a tenement-house. I told my cousin 1 wasn't doln very well; that there was only pri vate houses and furnished room places in my district; and he says, 'Why. furnished rocms is u cinch. You couldn't do better except in tenements. Mix up German and Irish names,' he says, 'and scatter them around in those furnished rooms, and no body can jump -on you.' "But thry did get Jumped on once for that sort of business, and I guess I'll Just get what I can on the square. There's bo many maiden ladles and widows run ning these boarding and rooming places though, and they're so touchy about their ages. I wish I had a tenement district." "I wish you had," said the boarder with deep sympathy. "You've been real pleasant and helpful. There ain't many that's as helpful as jou." "In such a good cause, I couldn't con scientiously be anything else." said the boarder, loftily. "It's a privilege to as sist tlii Government In amassing all this valuable Information." "Yes'm," said the census man, as he clcsed the door behind him. New. York Sun. HER HOPES WERE BLASTED. Dire Mischief Wroujrht by a Cheap Alnrm Clock. "And it all came from a little, petty, miserable. Insignificant, nickel-plated a'.arm dock that cost me Just 63 cents ait a bargain sale!" exclaimed the pretty g:rl In blue with flashing eye to her sympa thetic friend. "I haven't the slightest idea why I bought it, unless it was bo- I ' . I I. cause It was so cheap, for goodness knows I didn't need It! But buy it I did and carried it heme, where I bragged of my bargain oil the rest of the day. It wouldn't run more than half the time, and finally I turned it over to my little sister to play with. "You know the time I have had with that eligible young man, and how I have quarreled with every girl friend I know who h-ts dared to look at him? But you don't know how many nights I have wast ed sitting up planning a campaign that would be successful! "Well, he called the other evening and I served notice on the rest of the fam ily that we wanted the drawins-room to ourselves that evening, for I felt sure that the Hupreene moment had arrived. I wasn't disappointed. We were sitting side by s'de on a divan, quite by acci dent, looking at some engravings, when he began, and I tried to look as If I was awfully surprised. Bue he hadn't spoken more than three words bsfore that miserable alarm clock went off, rtsht under us, where my little sister had le't it when sho was through playing with it. "Prom the way the young man Jumped you would have fhought that he was a part of i(he alarm and always acted that way when the aiarm was sprung. Ho made for the door, mumb'tag something that I didn't catch on account of the no'se that the alarm made, and he was outdoors before the din ceased and gae me a chance to collect my wils. Ard to think It was ail caused by a little, miser able, petty " The pretty grl in blue gave it up and burst out crying. De troit Free Press. SORROWS OP THE RICH. "Pfltr" TclletU of the Beauties of Cnrne&lenn Philosophy. "Sumtimes." paw sed. after He had threw his paper Down last nlte and Got to Hayelng solium hots, "It alios t seems Uko If They wasn't enny yoose for a Buddy to go on trying to Put munny In th Bank and Get so you Haft to hire Other people to do What you done Your self when you were poor and Happy." J They are Hardwood Stares In tho house where wo Live now, and the Gurl we Got Last week alnt yopt to Them. So the first thing after she Swep and dusted Day be fore Ylstady afternoon, she Hunted around in the attick and Found a nold rug maw Didn't need enny more. Mary thot we couldn't Afford to have new Carput for the Stairs and she was Agoing to Help us not to Get Looked down on Jut for Being poor, becoz he Has a kind hart. Then sho Put the Rug en the Stairs, and Went to hunt for some Tacks. The steps were So slippery she thot tho rug mite slide Down If It wouldn't be Fasened. About that Tlmo paw got Home and went up the Back stairs becoz Ho had sum Groasreys to leave In the kitchen, and when Ho started to come Down the Frunt way he didn't notuu the Rug till it was too late to Grab ennythlng. Bur he had tho rug Under controle all Rite When we Found him and It down stairs in tho Hall, only they nocked three spin dles Out of the Bannister and Dammidged tho Wall some. "That's whare the Trubble happen?." paw says, "when you Get soast you haft to Take medasun lnstrd of Exerslze becoz you Hlro people to Do the work our Faw thers and muthers yoost to Do besides spltttln a Load of Rails or mebby weaning a Caff before Brcckfust. Look at Kan sas." "What's the matter with Kansas?" maw ast Him. . The Trouble With Kanitaa. "Tho Saim thing That's the matter with Other people which Haft to hire hands," paw says. "They need Twenty thousch Men in Kansas to Help cut the grain, and can't Get them. See what lots of Trub blo the peeple Out tlrare mite of Saved if they wouldn't of Had such crops." "Land fakes," maw told Him. "you can't blame the peeple of Kansas becoz their crops are so big tbey can't take care of Them. Provadence makes the crop3 Grow." "Yes," paw anscred. "but they mite of s'ayed In Pencil Vanoy or Connetteycutt and Farmed on stone piles lnstcd of moov ing Out Tharc, where they new they would Haft to Run the Risk of not Get ting half enuff peeple to Wait and be Hired to Help. Andru Carnlggy new his Bizncas when' He sed it Was a pad thing to Be ritch. He's Got tired of Bein ritcb too. Before he Became famus and went Lecturing on How he rote the man With the hoe and "What It ment He was poor and Happy. He could set Down at nlto and Eat a good meal and Weap for the Poor and Have plesunt dreams after wards. But now look at Him. "Here's his Latest pome, that he Daeht off tho Other morning before the Banks opened, becoz he Hazzeht been Rltch Long enuff to Get over the old habbut of Get ting up Erly ylt. He says the rltch can't sleep at nlte and that They've got World fatlgg. I never Had the world fatlgg j-et. But nobuddy Ever can tell How soon it mite Come on when it Gets So He Duz zent Go to Bed before 5 in the morning and There are a School house or a rale rode Track handy. In anuther verse He says ritch peeple haft to Drink the Com mon brew and have world-Greaf and Are weighted by the world-Dispare. ChnmpaKnt Had Run Out. 't fl"poso He must of Been A Sosheya tun with peeple that Lived whare they are Local opshun and the shampaln Run out the Day before the next Delivers so they Had nothing Left in the House but a Few cases of Beer. That shows how sad It la to Get a taste for Things and then not be able to drink or Eat them With munny In Your pockuU If he would of Stayed poor that Couldn't Ever of Hap pened. No wonder they are so menny more Poor peeple than Rltch. Look at tho Sad faces of the Rltch and Llssen to tho Way they si when thay Go -past in thare Carrldges. "Every time I hear of a Rltch man that's Started around tho world on his Yot with a Party of Frends and a doctor he Hires by the year I can't Help Re- memborun How pad he must be all the Time setiln out Thare on the Deck Think- en he ain't poor and mebby mite Haft to stand1 in line Before the Purly gates some day while a Cammul li trying to crawl thru the I of a needle without Having Its humps trimmed. Let every rltch man who Seta with his feat up on the Portch railen and smokes while sumbuddy Else cuts the gracs be a Horrabul example." Georgle, in Chicago Tlmcs-Herald. GAVE HER A HEADACHE. Much Diplomatic Work Wasted on a Hcartlcn Man. She had him out for a car ride to the bridge and back on Sunday afternoon last. It had all been go'ng on for a long time, wn iswi Hapti Pltilnc- on her front steDS for . two Summers, and still "nothCng dclng." J She had a certain do-or-die look in her j eye. I "Isn't it beautiful to watch the limpid etream." sa d she, gazing dreamily at the somewhat muddy and turgeecent Polo- ' BUNCO GAME IN Mr. Monk Here comes a Rube! Now. Just "Why. how do yoU do?" "That monk was a pretty good sort of a mac, "and reflect that it is ever flowing down, down to Join Its great mate, the sea?" She put tbe accent on the "mate." and shot a swift look at his countenance from beneath tho sheltering rim of her English 1 walking hat. j "Uh-huh." said he, digging up another pair of nickels for "beyond-the-dlstrict- line" fare. -She was pilent for a while, and then she pointed to a bunch of birds flying over the river. 'One couldn't blame the little bird for j going a-aweetbearting on such a day aa wi" i" i 1 mmi ' 1 ' 5tu -lm&u ik,.. wflh. Ff-&r- t ' ' ' ' '" ' A Mr. Leo Why. I'm so glad to see you. this, could oner she asked him, coyly. "Nope, if that's what they're doing," he answered, feeling' of his right-hand vest pocket to see If he'd broken h'e olgars lit the crash, of boarding the car. Perhaps she saw then that that tncim wasn't going to do. At any rate, when they passed a number of neat-looking cot tages a bit farther down the line, she pointed to them and said: "They look so cosy, don't they? I won der what they rent for?" "I pass," said ho. "Never could see this . thing of living out In the woods, anyhow." There was an elderly couple up in the him) rt Ka i- onA thA (iM folks lfni?Vipl and chatted and seemed to be a whole lot devoted to each other. "Isn't It delightful," said the young woman, "to sea people of that age so perfectly wrapped up in each other, after so many, many years of married life?" "Maybe they chuck coalscuttles at each other at home," replied the young man. "Oh, by tho way," talking about married folks," exclaimed, the young woman, as tr she had Just thought of It, "I hear Mr. Slxaweek and KKty Longwalt are en gaged." "Yep, so my sister was telling me," said the young man. "Jimmy Sixaweek told his sister that Kitty had finally round ed him up and nailed htm eo's he couldn't get out of making hio little speech, and Jimmy's slBter told sis about It in con fidence. Sis told mo in- confidence," ana the young man grinned demoniacally. "I have such a headache," said tho young woman, a hard, stony look creep ing Into her eyes. "We'll get off at tho next stop and take the car back." Wash ington Post. KEMESIS O'ERTOOK HIM. Fat Maa Addioted to the Bib Habit Causes .Fearful Havoc. , "I saw poetic Justice overtake a fat man the other night," said a broker In Cotton Exchange alley. "He was one of tihoso red-towled. pop-eyed fat men who always s Dread their nankins over their tauhches like bibs and tuck one corner under their I collar buttons before they begin to devour their meals, and the way the sin of this particular specimen found him out was very amusing, "I was pitting over a iate supper In a THE BRUSH. watch me do the old Hayseed. fellow." cafe on the other side of Canal street when the fat .gentleman In question came toddling in with a lady on his arm and took possession of an adjacent table. A waiter bustled up to take his order, and Incidentally laid a napkin across his knee, but owing to his girth, he couldn't see it distinctly, and in fumbling around w.th his hand he got -hold of tbe corner of tho tabtecloth. I was watching hhn out of the tall of my eye and saw hhn raise the cloth to hlo throat and wedge It securely under the band of his collar. "For eome unknown reason men wh are addicted to the bib habit always make a point of attaching' their napkins to their necks as if they expected them to remain there for all time, end this gentleman took particular pains to see that there was no chance for a slip. Then he proceeded to order the repast. The first thing served was turtle coup, and the two guests had Just commenced to discuss it when in bustled another lady, who evidently belonged to the party 'and bad been deSayed en route. As soon as he clapped eyes on her, the fat gentleman uttered a Joyful chortle and scrambled hastily to his feet. As he did so, he took the entire cloth with him and neatly deposited two plates of hot soup, a bowl of sliced tomatoes, a bottle of oil, a flagon or vinegar, a stack of bread, a cruet of pepper- and a miscella neous assortment of cutlery & his com panion's lap. "I have longed for a camera on divers and sundry occasions, but never with such a poignant yearning as I longed for one right then. I wanted to secure a snap shot of a large, portly gentleman, standing erect, dumfounded, horrror stTlcken and transfixed, with a tablecloth fastened around hie neck, a foreground of ooup and a background of hysterical fe males. It would have taken first money at any amateur contest on earth." New Orleans Times-Democrat. HOW HE WORKED IT. One Census Taker Who Got All ihe Information He Wanted. Census enumerator Why, it waa like this: He took me for a bunco man, an wouldn't tell me nothln'. So I remem bered what you said about leadln' 'em on with tact an finesse, an' all of that non sense, an I saya to him, curnVn like: "Pooh, 'tain't at all likely that no woman In her right eenses would ever marry such a homely, cross-eyed, knock kneed, spindte-shanked, toggle-jointed, red-nosed freak as you so I'll put you down as unmarried; an If you ever did have the luck to find some old hag achin Doa enough for a man to marry you, I don't believe such a dried-up, withered old faggot as you'd have any children In a thousand years eo I'll put you down as not havln any; an' you look to me Just like the addlc-pated, muddle-headed. Id iotic, green-gcods-mork kind of a donkey who never owned nothin. an' never win, an'd lose It If you did so I'll Just put you down as rcntln' this pig-pen where you seem to wallow when you're to home; an' you remind me ' Well. I hadn't no chance to explain what he reminded me of, for, as I was calculatm'. by that time he was bolltn' mad. Only, Instead of goln' ahead like a gentleman as I expected, an' provln' I was wrong by tellln' me I waa a liar, an provln that by tellln' all he knew, he began swearln somethin shockln', an' made a blame wicked Jump for me, wavln his fist. Right there I saw It was timo to try some other kind of flnessln on him, so I handed him one on the Jaw, an haa tact enough to get my knee In the pit of his stomach an hiy grip on his windpipe, an then It was easy, by Judicious shut tin' his wind onr an' off. to Induce him to tell me all the blank called for. Now. I didn't pound no answers out of hlro. 'cause I hit him only that once, ro help me, an' I'm tellln' you, you an' McKInlcy ban got to stand by me. See? Alex Rickctta in Philadelphia Inquirer. White, of Courtc. One of the young men who are calling upon the public for statistics for the United States census met with an amus ing incident Tuerday. His district Is In the suburbs of th.s city, and calling at one house he rang the bell several times without obtaining any response. As he was going out of the yard, however, ha noticed that tbe windows were open, but screened, and as he passed by one of these a feminine voice called: ..Ws there? What'o wanted?" "I'm taking the United States census," replifd the enumerator. "I'm taking a bath," came the quick re sponse of the uween voice. Somewhat disconcerted by this reply, the enumerator announced that ho would call again. "But can't I answer your questions from here?" continued the bather. Finding that there were only two in the family, the enumerator thought that sha could. So, sitting down on the grass be- ncath the window, with is book spread out upon his knees for a table, he asked the required questions through the win dows, and as the answers came from, be hind the curtain, they were entered upon his schedule. His questions "Are you white or black?" "Male or female?" were answered with a tone that indicated that ihe enumerator ought to know without asking. But then w'hat could the poor fellow dot He couldn't see the fair re spondent. Providence Journal. Ladders and Ladders. The new motorman was strong and will ing, but he hadn't been In a city very much. Ho had done farm work up in Northern Aroostook. The other motorman was Instructing him. "If a fire alarm rings in," said the old hand, "remember that the department, the fire engine and the rest have the right of way. Hold right up and let 'cm pass. If you don't they'll run you down." The second day an alarm of fire was rung in. The car was near a cross street, where the department must pass. "Hold up," said the instructor. Over the electric track tore the hose teams, then the fire engine spouting flame and smoke. The new hand cast a look up the street and then spun his controller lever. hTe car started. "You infernal fool, what aro you do ing?" howled the old hand. He Jumped and tbe now man Jumped, and the hook and ladder truck tore the front platform off the car and disappeared In a cloud of duet and with Its men yelling like fiends. "Why dSdn't you wait?" howled tho instructor. "Ba gar," replied his pupil, white and gasping, "I no t'nk we havo to bodder for dat eacre gang o drunk house paint ers." Lewiston Journal. ReSTSle Was RIgrtrt. The fresh young man who comes to see S-year-old Reggie's pretty young aunt ao often thought he would have some fun with Reggie the other day. "Hello, little girl." cried the fresh young man, lifting the child's curls. "Seems to me every time I come round here I see this little girl." "I aren't a llttlo girt," retorted Reggio vigorously but politely. The fresh young man kept right on. "Oh, yes, you are a little girl. And what pretty curl6 and nice dresses you've got, little girl. Got any dollies to show me, little girl?" Reggie stood it as long as he could, then, with a sudden mnemonic Inspiration, "You're a d d fool!" he cried. "And the worst of It was," said Reggie's father, "that I had to lick him for telling tho truth." New York Evening Sun. "Who Would Have Thought It? An old Virginia gentleman arose In a car tho other day and with a great flourieh of his slouch hat. offered his seat to a beautiful and handsomely dressed woman. "Take my seat, madam," ho politely re quested. The lady demurred. "Take my seat, I beg of you, madam," he insisted. "I could not allow a lady to 6tand, un less," he added under his breath, "she was one of those women's rights people." The. laay bristled visibly. '" ho said in a freezing tone, "I am a woman's rights person." "Take my seat. Just the same, madam," said the gallon old gentleman, smilingly; "you are too good-looking to be suspecteo, of It, if you hadn't confessed." Leslie's J Weekly. IV . POFTRY U.A "Rlgkuaaa's Girl." We have warbled praise old Barbara Frietchlea I In sonnets, and. several other ways, How she stood at her window la Frederick' town And froze the "reba" with a patriot frown! How the raided "Old Glor7" in loyal way And told Its foes It was there to stay! But now tho old Barbara flag we'll furl And tetl the story of "Rlshtmaa's glrL" The great sua blazed in the Afrlc sttes Like & fiery ball of unusual else. And sprinkled heat o'er tho shimmering veldt That would blister an elephant's four-ply pelt. The British troops on their conquering- inarch To homes of foetnen applied the torch. Burned out the ces where the Boennen brave Came to change their linen and get a shave. And the nightman ranch were the troopers bid To bum, but the burning they didn't did! For there in the door of the old farm place Stood a plump Dutch girl with a pretty facet Her eyes were hot with defiant fire. And her bosom heaved with expansive ire! To the firebug "Tommies" she fearless said: "Yust pull your freight und gone off ahead! "Dese hauS was left mlt my shargc, you bet, Und you don'd vould burn it already yet! "Yust pass a motion and qvlck adjourn, Pecause ve don'd got some bouses to burn!" Up rode Lord Kitchener, grand and great. With his frown and his dignity both on straight. Rode up in his majesty, but the girt Just gave her Up an additional curl. And he gaxed In her proud and defiant face. And noted her simple, uncultured grace. And his Hon heart melted quickly down To Jelly, and gone waa his warlike frown. And he said to his troopers: "Who dares to scratch On tho bulge of his khaki trousers a match "Will catch a boot In tho place which he Has used for the scratching purpose, seer And then to the maiden: "My gentle fawn, I weaken!" And then to his troops: "March on!" And there she stood as the troop marched by. And oft at herself winked the other eyo! Stood there in defiance until the last Of the bloomln' British had by her passed. And said as they faded from out her sight: "Dcte pcen no hot times mlt di old ranch to night! "Dose standoff vork mighty slick, I dinks, Uud das vos 1st los mlt me, by ylnkst" Denver Evening Post. Open Car "End-Seat Man." Trod upon, Stared at; Angrily Glared at; Roasted and Sputtered, at; Bumped against, MuttTed at; Frowned upon, ? , Scowled at; '' Stumbled ow Growled at; Slyly kicked. Voted mean; "Biggest pig Ever seen. Really should ' vrt-" . Hang the cuss." - Verdict u- . , Ttanlmous. Hope he goes Where it's hot. Gets a place On a spot 1 Where tho heat Simply sizzles Keep him there Till he frizzles. That's the best Sort of plan For the mean "End-Seat Man!" Baltimore American. 'Lonpf the Coast. I'd hato to be an Inlander An live 'way from the coast. Think t'would be that mighty slow . Twould kill a feller most. Think of llvln' In a town A thousan miles from shore I Couldn't see no battle-ships Er hear them cannons roar. Couldn't see no ratlin' ships, No forts er lumber rafts. Couldn't see no ferry-boats, Er tugs an' 'scurslon crafts; Couldn't go with mom an" pop Spend sumnier by th shore. An sit 'long th beach an talk 'Bout th' Spanish War. Me want t' be an inlander? An never seeln sport? I want water freih er salt 'Longside some big resort. Kin see th vessels comln" in From some long forrln cruise. I want things movln' llely-llke An get th latest news! Philadelphia Inquirer. The Summer Car. Along with the blossoms and briars. Along with tho red berries sweet; Along with th fross In the mlrcs That croak for the thunder and heat; Along with the country-pike riding And thoughts of the seashore far, Cohm out of tho barnshed gliding The fresh-painted Summer car. Like a coach bedecked for the races. With polish and brightness agleam; And new rows of lithograph faces. With ever the some smiles beam. The slrl with expression confiding. Tho man with a new brand cigar; And they never seem weary of riding Aboard the big Summer car. And then, of course, there are others. The people who grumble and snap. The end-seat nor and the mothers That thrust their kid in your lap. The man who complains of the weather. And crUBh,es your corn at each Jar, You will find them huddled together Inside of the big Summer car. Chicago News. JVlBhtfall. , Dews fall at eveninff, when the night is fall ing. When the feet aro weary that walked so far away. In the darkling windows yellow sparks are calling. Waterfowl and skyfowl aro waiting for the day. Waterfowl and skyfowl In the grasses hiding, Every wee, woodsy thing is warm within its nest! Just my little lamb Is gone, from cheering end from chiding. Slipped away to other lands and Into other rest. Slipped away to other lands, while earth is full of smiling. All around are touching bands and loving lips that kiss. Every window means a home, rest and heart s beguiling. And I must weep my little lamb and won der where she la! Post Wheeler In New Tork Press. Fashions In Fiction. The kailyard story and the tale In brogue have had their day. The darky dialect has ceased To hold unbounded sway. Tbe Hoosler and tbe Yankee and The miner and the scout Have reigned by turns in StoryIan6, But all aro passing out. Tbe yarn that's told in dialect Has ceased to be the rage. And now tho people call for slang Upon the printed page. Ah. will there ever come a day Ere you and I are dead When he that writes in English may Have hopes of being read? Chicago Times-Herald. "" - I WW IP. . lianipliSlwIMii WW ! tM Mir?f ' " In tie SraoJdnjc Car. There's the big meerschaum, with the lltti man Halt hidden behind its bowl. Who puffs away as hard as ho can. As it wcro to save his soul. And he fondles the thing and ho strokes it down With a sort of, rapturous pride As & bridegroom lovingly smoothes tho brown Soft strands on the- brow of his bride. Across tho aisle is the rank, old clay In the mouth of a "man" who smokes away With a grim, pugnacious air. And he adds to the filth on the floor beneath Without removing the stem from his teeth He hasn't time to spore. There's the red-faced man with the dark Key West. Who reads as ho speeds to town. Letting the ashes fall on his vest' And dribble from there on down. He's forcing the gray smoko out o his ntaeo To mingle with wreaths from pipes And the clouds he raises who puffs and blows O'er his resurrected snipes. By the door is the man with the sickly cob; Ah. hear It gurgle and sigh and sob. And alas, how it frets and chokes! . It wheezes and sputters and goapa for breath; Deep down In its throat Is the rattle of death. But little he cares who smokes. There's the "Henry Clay" and the "Cheater A." And the "Bobby B." .ana the "Little Mack;" There's the "Admiral D." and the "Queen of May," And "Tho Soldier Boy Who Never Cams Back" The good cigar and the rank cigar Under common conditions meet And from end to end of the reeking car Foul fumes of the cigarette. "With contentment pictured on every face They breathe foul fumes in the filthy place Busily pulling away. And If they were forced to congregate there As pigs in a pen, to breathe such air, Tho devil would bo to pay! S. E. Kiser in Chicago Times-Herald. When the Mall Goes Through. Nuthln in a country town 'Cept 'bout five o'clock to go To tbe deepo mail, south bound. Due at that time. There's you know. Crowd o' lanky country fellers Loofln' as they alius do; Hounds an' dogs half-breeds on' yellert When tho Mall goes through! Never stops at Sassservllle; Comes with llghtnln' In her eye! Lordy! Whlzzln down tho hill. Jlst a-screechln on the fly! Engineer's head out a-bravln Smoke on' cinders flyln' bluo! An' we-uns with hat3 a-wavia When tho Moll goes through t You can feel the whirlpool come. When she clatter past you Geel Feel er rock the deepo some, An tho platform! Mercy Met Gethcrln at ev'ry minute. With a Ions on screechln wool An' us wishln' wo was In it. When tho Mall goes through! Then as soon's she's gone, you git Tired of old Sasservllle; Them's the times it Is that It Never seems to fill tho bill; Fer you think o bigger places. Where the train's a-goln to. An' tromp homo with lonely faces When tho Mall's gone through. Edward Singer in Indianapolis Sun. June. Tho tide of day's deep, glowing stream Is .setting toward the afternoon; Through misted light the waters gleam; Tho wido serenity of June Sets all the country world adream. About the homestead's dooryard space Are lemon balm and mignonette; And southernwood, with plumy laco; And, in a narrow border set. The China pink's old-fashioned grace. Among tho fragrant flower flocks Maraud the lusty bumblebees; A row of slender holyhocks Is tipped and tilted by tho breeze. Till every crimson breaker rocks. Along a worn, neglected lot. Tho quitch grass trail Its odd device; From forest and from garden plot Tho air is tinctured with tho spies Of mallow and wild bergamot. The plums have caught a fiery stain That burns beneath tho satin skin. Till, seething in each golden vein. The mellow honey Juice within Splits all their scarlet coats in twain. So, on the stream of Summer flows. And June, a happy hearted maid. Whose cheek with healthy color glows. Weaves In and out her tawny braid The glory of the damask rose. Hattle Whitney In Truth. Smllln'es' Gal In the Hills. Over yan acrost the mounting. Kinder mussed up In a holler. Stan's the cabin whar my heart Is, An' my feet they eetch to foller, Fur I know tho gal an I know she sura's walttn. An the place all around thar with glory eh fills; The rahres, the fahres. tho sweetes. An the smllln'es gal In the hills. All the gals air sort o purty. Fur that's dlfTrunt kin's o sweetness; But this gal she's got alt kin's. An' she's got 'em to 6ompleteness! The fellers all lUve her, fur how can they he'p It When tho heart that com-s nigh her, hit shud ders an thrills 7 The sweetes. the neates', the brightea. An" the smllln'es gal In the hills. She's a chi-Ice of her fellers. An' I reckon thet I know 'lm; Ary uthern ef he tries hit 'Bout one settln" up'll show him; Fur I know she's luvln an true as she's purty. An' so good thet tho thoughts of her banishes Ills; The brightes', the Ughtes. the smartes. An tho smllln'es gal in tho hills. C T. Paxon in Berea Quarterly. Tale of Woe. I am all alone In my chamber now, the mid night hour i3 near, Or, rather I would be all alone were it not that the baby Is here. And I pace the floor till my feet are sore. While through the door comes a dainty snore From my darling wife, who, through all the strife. Sweetly sleeps and dreams while tho baby screams. I used to think before I wed. and before the baby was born. That babies were dear, nice, sweet little things, and so they are la a horn. There are other delights than getting up nights. And pacing the room while screams like a looa Incessantly float from the baby you tote. And through all the fuss you silently cuss. The only thing that could add to my woes, and also to my sins. Would be for tho next that comes our way to come In the shape of twins. This one as a sample Is certainly ample, And a double dose would triple my woes. So I fervently pray that no more come myJ way. For I honestly think It would drive me to drW JO P. S. This Is no Joke. Philadelphia InoJ O Lady Pruel Today Prues fad Is candlesticks- Tomorrow it may breastpins De; , Next week, old lamps with crazy Or flagons, steins, as fates decrj In half a month old books, I feari May win her heart the while O damsel, as love s day draws Take mo as fad thy valentlnj Indiana!
