The Sunday Oregonian., June 17, 1900, PART THREE, Page 29, Image 29

THE SUNDAY OBEGOJHAN, ' POBTLAND, JUNE 17, 1900.
29
ss humor mbii
As Moses Would.
you've cheated me out of my watch, air!" he
cried.
"No Christian, old man, would ever have
done It!"
"Ah, my friend," tho honest pawnbroker re
plied. "I'm running this shop as Moses -would run
It!" Chicago Tribune
RED JACK STARTS A YARN
But It Shares tlie Fnte of All Bar
room Stories and Is Not Fin
ished Yet.
Ever since the first barroom was opened
((there has only been one barroom story.
end that has never yet been finished.
"With localities, names and dates a dis
cretion. It runs on broken lines that never
J (reach a station, and "when reproduced la
Iteomethlng like this:
Red Jack Sneaklnr? of aueer thinirs.
When Jones used to keep that place on
'Twelfth street, where Dlttenhouser has
the undertaker's shop now
Long Jim There ain't no undertaker's
I 'chop there now. What are you talking
about?
Slick Sam Jones never kept a place on
'Twelfth street. His place was on Four
teenth street.
Red Jack I know what I'm talking
about. "When Jones kept that place
Long Tom you're both wrong. Jones'
place was on Thirteenth street. I remem
ber when U was fcurned down. I was
hero with No. 18.
Red Jack You never belonged to En
trine 18. You were going to school at the
time I'm talking of.
Long Tom I tell you I was there with
that engine, and the proof of it is
Big Hike Let the man tell his story.
Long Tom Right you are. I stand cor-
i arected.
Red Jack Well, to resume mv remlnis-
cences, or, in other words, my Interesting
narrative
Pinching Peter Oh, take that dictionary
out of your throat!
Big Mike For goodness sake, give him
a. chance to speak!
Jocular Jake Good evening, gentlemen!
Who's treating? Til take whisky.
The Talc Is Resumed.
Red Jack You're welcome. Jake to the
"best In tho house. I was just about to
tell these Indians what happened on the
night of the big fire, when Jones kept that
place on Twelfth street, and when
Pinching Pete Oh, Jake! That's too
iieavy a hooker. But maybe I'm a poor
judge. I hate to drink whisky, because
when I do I can't go to sleep.
Jocular Jake And I hate to go to sleep,
because when I do I can't drink whjsky.
Salvation Army Lassie Buy the War
Cry?
Big Mike Don t look at me; I'm mar
ried. Lassie Take the War Cry home to your
wife.
Big Mike I'd be afraid.
Lassie Oh, fie! A giant and afraid!
Big Mike And like most married men,
I'm a sinner.
Lassie Repent! Remember that sin can
never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Big Mike Oh, yes. it can. The very
first on the list of the seven deadly sins
entered the kingdom of heaven long before
the creation of Adam. Lucifer was the
first sinner.
Lassie Ah, but don't you know what
happened to Lucifer?
Big Mike Of course I do; he was
bounced by my namesake.
Dandy Dan And ever since the Micks
can down the devil.
Lassie May heaven forgive you all!
(Exit.)
Learned Larry Mike, you should not
talk that way to those Salvation people.
You may think that they are foolish, but
et all events they appear to be sincere,
and they do a great deal of gbod,linv:the
line of charity.
Dandy Dan So they do. I knew one
lady who Joined the Salvation Army, and
6he was about as good a woman as ever
went to church. Welf, there was a fel
low who worked in the neighborhood
where this lady lived, on Staten Island.
We used to call him Schnapps. He was
well known in all the saloons. He was a
w'ld fellow, and lived all alone in a little
old shanty on the beach, long before
there were any Raines-law hotels there.
Well, this lady fancied that Schnapps
was sad and lonely in his little hut on
the beach. But she was mistaken, for
the fellow was as happy as a lark.
The I'Inm Pmldinrr.
One Christmas Evo when Schnapps was
passing her place, she called hlra in and
made him a present of a splendid big plum
pudding. She was a kind-hearted English
woman, and, naturally enough she
thought that nothing could be more ac
ceptable to Schnapp'e than a plum pud
ding for Christmas day. Schnapps
thanked her eloquently and started off
wi'h the big pudding under his arm. Ho
lugged It about from saloon to saloon un
til he got tired carrjlng It. He did not
dare to put It down on a chair or place
It on a table because ho was afraid that
some of the Wood Road boys would steal
it. So he determined to hide It.
St- John's Church in Clifton street was
building at the time. Schnapps went
straight into the church grounds and
groped in the dark along the unfinished
walls until he found a cunning corner for
the pudding. He stowed it away. "There."
said he, "the devil won't find it now."
Then he returned to the nearest saloon
where he remained until 2 o'clock in the
rooming. On his way home he slipped
into the church grounds again. but he
culdnt remember where he put "his pud
d ng. After a long search he gave it
vp and made up his mind to call for it
in the tnernlng at sunrise.
Well, he did come for it at sunrise and
hunted high and low for that pudding,
but he cotfdn't find It. That night he
tried again with the same sad result,
a"d during flv Ions years afterward every
r ght wh"n Somapps was on a toot he
never failed to ch jn at St. John's Church
to lock for his padding. One night"
Pinching Pete-he angels ate it.
Learned Larry1-1 o. but thev throtr Jt
out, and the devil iw away with It.
janay uan-acci mna about the devil.
You never saw him.
Learned Larry-1!, dldr ney;j pve Den
pu'llrg him by the talr m my jfe
Iandy Dan Well, onejght in the
Fall, about seven years after Schnapps
had put his pudding in that church, there
was an awful storm. It blew down half
the trees on the Wood Road. The thunder
roart-d, the wind yelled and the lightning
blazed. Schnapps came out of one of the
gin mills, paying no more attention to the
storm than a duck would pay to a dic
tionary. He was homeward bound, on a
dead beat to windward. He needed the
whole road to himself. When he came in
front of St. John's Church, then finished
pompletejy, ho thought it might be a wise
thing tp make one last attempt to recao
ture that lost pudding. The lightning,
every moment, gave him a chance to see.
Between the flashes nls eyes might as
well be shut as open.
The Paddins Found.
Suddenly usually lightning comes that
way a bolt came down beside him and,
instead of knocking him flat on the
ground, it fired him 10 feet into the air
and planted him. on all fours by the side
of the stone that he Immediately recog
nized as the one alongside of which ho
had cunningly placed his precious pudding.
That stone was in a corner, and in that
corner
Pinching Pete Oh, get bricks.
Jocular Jake That's a puddln'-headed
story.
Big Mike And there Is no raisin in it.
Dandy Dan Will you let me finish?
Pinching Pete We can see your finish
Red Jack You fellows give me a pain
In tho head. I was going to tell you about
the night of the big fire. when Jones kept
that place on Twelfth street. At that
time
Big Mike How long was that before the
night of the big wind?
Jocular Jake-You say you have a pain
Jn the head? I can give you a "boss cure.
Just you take a common cabbage leaf and
put It In your hat, and in 15 minutes
Red Jack That might cure your head.
Learned Larry Sure! Slmilia slmlllbus
curanturl
Jocular Jake Don't chuck any of your
Shakespeare at me!
Learned Larry Tha ain't no Shakes
peare; that's Parkhurst-
Jocular Jake What, the doctor?
Learned Larry Aye, the doctor.
Jocular Jake I take It all back.
Red Jack Well, to begin my story
again. When Jones kept the place on
Twelfth street, between
Incorrigible Con Between High Bridge
and Hollyoke, where Barney McAloone
kept the cockpit?
Red Jack I'm not talking about Barney
McAloone. I was Just saying when Jones
kept that place on Twelfth street
Landlord Come, gentlemen. It Is time to
close up now. Take a drink with me. I'll
be pleased to see you tomorrow evening.
New York Sun.
"PAW" GOES PICKMCKIXG.
"Georgrle" Tells of the Thlnjj That
Came to Pass.
We had a plcknlck on deckera&hunt day.
Tho Bassetts and Uncle wesley and Aunt
grace and me and paw and maw and Lit
tle albert and the Pupp and the baby and
several more Peeple went. We rode on a
Train and got off at a Bewtlfle little
Lalke thirteen miles away whare they
Had a Murry go Round and Botes and
things. Maw eed she Didn't care to go at
First, but paw Got her in the noshun- all
rite.
"Hero I get a Day off." paw Told her,
"and you Want to Just set around like old
peeple. That's no way to selebrate tho
Day."
"Has it got so you Can't enjoy Your
self at Home with your fambly enny
more?" Maw ast him. "Must you always
go away sum whare With other peeple to
have a good Time?"
"Oh, no, it ain't that," paw anserd. "I
don't care ennythlnp about the Plcknlck.
and I'd rather stay rite here with you
and the boys, but I told Mrs. Bassett
when she poke of Getting it Up I'd go.
JCXE FASHIOXS
I spese she would of let it drop if it
wouldn't of Been for that, so I can't
Brake my Word. If you Don't feel Like
it tho mebby you better not go. and 1
Don't beleave it Would Do the baby enny
rood, ency Way. I can Take the Boys
fffi' OPT
and you'll have a nice quiet Time here
and Get rested."
So maw began to get reddy to Go to
the plcknlck.
Getting Down to Baslness.
After we got there we Found a pleasant
place with a root over and a Long table
Inside, and Paw setl that's where we
would Eat, so they put The things on the
Table, and we all got Set Down to Biz
ness, but about That time a Man with a
badge On came In and sed it would cost
three Dollars. Paw ast him Why, and the
man sed becoz he Owned the place and
Didn't blld It Just to get Exercise.
After that we Went out under some trees
and Were agoing to Eat. but Before it got
to' be Paw's turn to Have a peace of Cold
chicken it Commenct to Rain and every
Thing gjt soaked.
"Well," paw says, "lex's all Be fllo
soackle and not Care. Mebby they mite
of Been sumthlng In the Cake or pie that
would of made us all Sick enny way.
You never Can tell about Such things if
they don't Happen. Just mako the Best
of it. That's my mottoe when you go to
picknlcks."
Mrs. Bassett sed she Was glad paw
Looked at it that way and didn't blame
Her for getting him to come, but the Rest
looked kind a sorrafie and Hungry.
We huddled around under trees and in
Sheds a cupple of ours and Got all Wet,
but it Cleared up at Last and was Bew
tlfle. Then Maw 'wanted paw to Hold the
baby so she could give Little albert a ride
on the murry Go round, and paw says:
"That's one of your fallings, maw. I
Told you it would be Better if you Staid
at Home with the Child. If-1 wouldn't
want to Do ennythlng at a Plcknlck but
Hold thf Baby I could stay rite at Home
and do it Just as Well, but You haft to
always want me to de around sumwhairs
maken mlself yoosfle when It's my Only
chanct to have A good time. I come out
hero to rest and Be quiet far away from
the Ware and talr of the grate si tile, and
Now you go and Try to upset the Hole
plan. Why don't you Have some thots
about other people's enjoyment?"
Maw Held the Baby.
So paw Gave us ten Sents and I held
little Albert in the murry Go round, and
maw held the Baby. Pritty soon paw
and Mrs. Bassett and her Ant from Since
a natto Went down to the Lake to have
a Bote ride. T. hen maw seen them she
sed:
"Paw, I thot you Came out here to not
Get enny ware and talr?"
"This is sumthlng I need." paw Told
her. "Thay are nothing like rowing for
.the Helth. If I could roe more it would
bo Better for me than medasun."
After Mrs. Bassett and her ant got In
paw Give the Bote a shuv, and was agoing
to Step on the middle Seat when It came
to Where he stood, but some Way it
Didn't seem to be whare he thot It was
when he stepped Down, so he struck the
End of it and They were a splash and a
Lot of screams and the Bote upside down.
After it got so we Could see what was
Goin on in the waiter paw Was standln in
It a Little bit abuv his knees. Holding
Mrs. Bassett's Hand and Telling her he
was agoing to Safe her at the Risk of his
own life. Mrs. Bassett is young apd bew
tlfle. and Her ant waded Out alone.
When maw put m and Little albert to
Bed that nlte she nelt Down with us to
say our prayers and told Us to ast God
to bless Everybuddy but Mrs. Bassett, so
we done It, but Nothing ain't happened
to her ylt. "Georgle" In Chicago Times
Herald. IX THE SPRINGTIME.
What the Gladsome Season Brlngeth
In Its Train.
In tSio Spring tho whiskered farmer
drinks hard cider from a can. throw
ing wads of burning language at the
indolent hired man. In the Spring the
grand old granger plants his succotash
and corn, and the cainchbugs come and
eat It, wh!.o ho sleepeth tn the
IX SOUTH AFRICA.
From Ie Hire.
' morn. In tho Spring the old sow wanders
! to some quiet fen or brake and returns
I with seven piglets toddling cutely in her
wake. In the Spring I he goojJ dog Rover
, hides behind the bushes damp waiting
j always, waiting ever, for a chance to
nail a tramp. In tha Spring the buH so
gentle, which 34 bees, a pet for years,
gores the poor coafkUng farmer, sits on
hlna and eats his ears. 2n the Spring the
youths and stideas go to picnic In the
woods, packlajr with them. In their baskets
sandwiches and other good; and they fall
into the river, aai the chlggers eat them
up, ana they come back from the picnic
swollen like a poisoned pup.
I haVe hot pntn in my larynx and my
liver is out sf tr hack, there are roebllngs
in say stomach, there are creaklnjs in
my back. When I go to bed at evening
I can only ro'l and groan, for my mouth
tastes like a hen's pest, and my head
feels like a stone. And I read the dally
papers where they tell of Spoopers Pills,
as a sovereign specific for these kinds of
vernal Ills. And I buy the pills and eat
them, and I feel a whole lot worse; there
are times when J- am longing for a sleigh
ride in a hearse. And the ancient dames
come to "me awd they brew their magic
tea, and they say If I will take it, I'll
feel happy as a flea. Rut their dismal,
dark decoctions only make me shriek apd
wall, and I wish that all herb doctors
could be carted off to Jail. In the Spring
tho wily stranger comes to sell a patent
oat, and he gets the names of victims
to a thousand-dollar note. In the Spring
you make a garden, full of things you like
to eat ,and the chlokens come and scratch
it all to thunder ana repeat. In the Spring
your lawn Is pretty and you point to it
with pride, till some cattle come and
spoil It Jn the silent eventide.
Jn the Spring th groaning husband eats
his victuals In "the barn, for his wife
mut clean the mansion, and she doesn't
care a darn; and the yard Is fua of car
pets, and the trees are full of sheets,
and b h8 jto live on sauerkraut, cistern
water and sliced beets. Oh, a woman's
In her glory when she tears things all
apart, piling beds and chairs and pillows
In a way to break your heart. And at
night the groaning husband has to sleep
upon the porch and he vfee'.a so plum
disgusted that ne cant enjoy ma wre
ONLY WANTED
It's betn aching for two weeks,
"Whoop! The
When the blamed old cleaning's over,
then the wife Is taken ill. and it keeps
her husband busted buying dope and drug
and pill; and. the mansion Is no cjeaner
than it was when she began, but she'd
sLy him If he said so and he Is a pru
dent man. Nebraska State Journal.
SOLD HIM BROOKLYX BRIDGE.
It Mr. Banco Xo Buy-a Back Sljcnor
Cnrelll Kill-a Htm.
The pollco are looking for an Italian
bunco man who has been swindling his
fellow-countrymen In a novel manner.
He was first heard of when Signor Luigl
Corel.!, an Italian merchant who recently
landed In New York, went to the office
of Lawyer Robert Racey, In the Ahrens
building, and told a remnrkabe story of
how he had been fleeced by the awindtor.
He told his story through an Interpreter,
explaining that he had been buncoed out
of ?500.
"How did the bunco man get Jt7" asked
Lawyer Racey.
"He sell-a de Brooklyn bridge to my
friend," explained the Interpreter.
"Sold the Brooklyn bridge to your
friend?"
''Sure," answered the Interpreter. "Only
not all de bridge. Only New York-a side.
He tell-a my-a friend Mayor Van Wyck
own'a de rest. He tel-a my-a friend de
Brooklyn bridge do much-a business. He
met-a my-a friend Just so soon de ship
come in. He find out his name. Sure.
Pooty soon he said, 'Hello, Signor CorclhV
and he shake-a de hand. My friend think
be know-a him in old country, but forget-a
do name. All right. He have a drink,
my friend hav a drink an' he take-a my
friend all round for two day, show him de
elf. He know lots policemen an' shake-a
de hand. He tell-a ae policeman my friend
be new Italian Consul Just come over. Po
llceinan shake-a hands with my friend.
He tell-a. my friend in 'tallan all policeman
work for him. Second day he took-a roy
friend up to Bridge and give-a my friend
free ticket to ride Brooklyn- All right.
He toll-a my frjend ho an' Mayor Yan
Wyck own-a de bridge. Ho say he sell-a
myrfl. friena one piece New York side for
five hun dol. All right, ha buy de bridge.
He tell-a my friend .keep New York-a side
for week an when he like he buy all
Brooklyn aide, too, for ten tous dol'."
'"Very cheap for the Brooklyn side pf the
bridge," remarked La-wyec Racey. "I'd
give -that much myself for it."
''My friend buy-a Ccrtral Park bear, too,
an two stores," continued the InterprEter.
"He was lucky in not buying the new
.Zoological Gardens," remarked the lawyer.
1 had & man in here the other day who
told me that ho bought the Aquarium from
an Italian who aaet hhn at the Battery.
He bad been In New York but a few days
and he signed a contract to buy a third
Interest in the Zoo for ?500, from another
Italian. I guess it's the chap who sold
the Brooklyn Bridge to your friend. He
took one of my clients down to the City
Hall, told him it wa a hotel, sold hm
some ot th furniture, and then brought
him over to the County Courthouse where
he got his money in return for appointing
him chef of the Courthouse Hotel."
Signor Corelli listened attentively while
the lawyer was talking aqd the interpreter
repeated th-i story, ending by telling the.
Signor that the only thing the lawyer
could do would be to report the matter to
the police.
"You no catch-a him today?" asked the
Interpreter, and when the lawyer said
J
ih S
"No," the Signor threw out his ches
tugged at the ea el me mustache ami ex
claimed; "L'uccido dQBsanll"
"My friend Yer raad." explained the In
terpreter. "He eay when Jfr. Bunco bo
puy-o. de Bridge back he kiU-a Mr. Bunco
tomorrow. Good-by."' New York Sun,
TOp, MUCH JtESPOSSUMIiTOT.
Leaves His Happy Heme Ratker
Tfaan Arbitrate.
"While I was out West," said the re
turned traveler, "1 chanced to meet an old
man sitting by tho side of the road. He
looked so sad that I stopped and asked
him what the matter was.
"Stranger, I'm to a heap ot trouble,'
jje said.
" 'Nothing serious, I hope,' I answered.
"'Humph!' he grunted, 'that's, all' ye
know about hit! Jes like a dern tender
foot!' "I made no answer, and after drawing a
few puffs from an old corncob pipe ha
paid:
" 'I might as well tell ye. I live up yan
der in tbet house on tho hill, an' I always
calcaloced to live an' die thar, but hit
looks ez though Wt wuzn't ter be. The
other day my wife got hold'of a paper
somowhere, an she read hi hit thet wom
en's clubs wuz all the go, an' bit set her
wild to hev one hereelf. Wul, she talked
to the other old wlmmen around yere till
she had 'em Jes ez crazy as her, an' the
result wuz thet 15 oM wimraen re now
holdln a ineetin' up at my house ter or
ganize. "Wul, tho first thing wujs ter elect a
president. They took a ballot, an the
result wuz that each one of 'em had a
vote. Hit wuz the same way on the next
W ballots, an' frost wuz beginoUn tor
form on the windows. Wul. hit looked
like a deadlock till one fule woman sug
gested thet I be allowed ter cast the de
cld'n' vote. Wul, I had Jea presence of
THE EXCUSE.
and I've g ot to go up and"
dentist -wasn't lnt"
mind enough to po'nt out that hit would
take a Uttlo time ter solve sich a deli
cate question; so I kum out yere to pon
der, followed by the smiles of 15 old wlm
mln. If I vote for my wife the other
1 will bo after my scalp, an If I don't
vote fer her hit means a Itegerin' death.'
" Then It to a question of the lady or
the tiger?' said I, smiling.
" Stranger, I didn't know thet you
knew my wife. But you're right, she's a
tiger, sure enough. Stranger, I'm off fer
tho mountains! I'm leavin 43 acres, a
mewl and three hogs, but what Is personal
wealth ter personal ifety? Farewell,
stranger, hit takes a man ter rise and
meet a question like this. I'm off." De
troit Free Press.
Simply an Ass.
"Just Imagfcve! If you were a flea you
could Jump 200 miles at a single Jump."
"But I am not a flea."
"I d'dn't say you were. I said if you
were."
"But you implied that I might be."
"Not at all. In estimating the relative
strength of a flea as compared with a
man. I said that one of your size could
Jump 200 miles."
"Nothing of the sort, elr. You distinct
ly spoke of me as a flea."
"How absurd! r merely Inferred that
suppose you were a flea."
"Do. I look like a flea?"
"Why, no, sir, certainly not,"
"Have I the arms, legs, proboscis, anat
omy of a flea."
"Who said you did?"
"You did, sir."
"I didn't."
"You did."
"Well, elr, I am sorry. I apologize."
"You admit, then, that you did refer to
me as a flea?"
"Why. no. I don't."
"But you have Just apologized."
"Well, well, let it go. I said you were a
flea. I apologize. I am sorry. I was
wromj."
"Good! You were wise. I arn. no flea,
sir."
"Of course not. Utterly removed from a
flea. You couldn't be ono if you tried.
Impossible!"
"Impossible, sir! For me, sir? How im
possible?" "Yes; sir, exactly, sir. How can an ass
be a flea, sir?" Life.
The Idea!
Mrs. BJohroboddlc John, dear, while
you're downtown I wish you'd call In and
pay the milliner $17 the bill Is, but If you
give her Jlft
Mr. Hohxnboddle I'd rather settle It in
full.
Mrs. Hohmboddle Well, but I want you
to bring me six yards of that lovely stuff
from Matchem's Til get you the pattern
and that will take the other $?. Then
I'll Just make a memorandum of the trim
mings that will be about $3 more and If
you love me you know the kind of gloves
I want you've bought them often enough.
Now, dear boy. you won't forget?
Mr. Hohmboddle No. TIL remember:
and. by the way," I'll take ray tonic bottle
along and get Jt renewed. Tve felt quite
run down of late.
Mrs. Hohmboddle Your tonic? Why
that cost $1.50. It seems Just like throw
ing money In the street tQ pay for medi
cine. Don't you think you could get along
without it? Judge.
W POETRY Tgj
Tke picnic.
Me'n pa. a" ma n" Bill
'Jf Hktt Green 'n' Bess
"IF Sisl Slonxh 'n all th folks
Around our place, I guess
Hud a picnic th' other day
Way down V "Winder's wood
'N two bis baskets filled way u
'Ith everythln 'nt's good.
Pa. he put a swins up there
'N didn't know th' limb
Wns rcttln' till It all kum down
'N fell on top o him.
N when I lolled pa swore. n ma
Sho said, "aln you ashamor"
'N pa he up an' walloped me
'N said I wu t' blame.
Ma she said she'd never s&w
Seen earryln on before;
'JT' pa he sot rl't on. a nail T
'K' his new punts got tore;
'K 'en he sworcd a awful lot,
'X wished he hadn't kum.
IT" ma she said, "Wy don't you goT
Toa know th' way t hum."
N" BUI he fell into th crick,
N" ma sho fished him out,
N rolled him 'round till water kum
A'squIrUn from his mout.
'V pa, he walloped B1J a hcp
Fer fallln' down th bank. x
'N Bill coughed up a awful lot
More water he had drank.
'X Susie Slough she stubbed her toe,
N'er nose begun t' bleed,
N ma. wux certain, Uko o' that
Sho hadn't never seed. '
N narry Green ho pralned hln arm,
A'fallln out th' swing-.
Jt ma she Jes set down 'n cried,
N cried like ererythlny.
'N blmtby when she went t elt
Th' lunch fer u t' eat,
Th anU had crawled thro all th things
'N et up mos th meat.
'IT 'en a bee stunt: Bessie Greea,
JT my! but she did yell.
'N pa. he Jea' set down 'n said.
Ho thought 'at this was hell.
N' 'en when we wus eatln what
Th' ants had overlooked.
X errea.' big thundrr dap It kum,
'N' my! th" woods wuz shoofcad!
N ma sho picked up everythln',
K we all had t' run
I guess th' picnic ended then.
But gosh! 'twos lots o' tun!
Detroit Free Press.
Trylagr to Make "a Hit."
The boy who Is dancing a jig.
And the girl In the chorus who sings,
And tho man who exhibits a pig
Ho was taught to do wonderful things
May die disappointed, but still. In their hearts,
they are hoping away
To make the great thing which they call
"A hlt"
Some day.
The poet who scribbles and sighs
And squanders his paper and Ink,
Who cudgels his brain and who tries
To think and cause others to think.
May die disappointed, but still, In his heart, be
Is j-oping away
To sing out a song that will make
''A hit"
Some day.
The man who la daubing his paint
On the canvas no other shall buy
The man who with hunger is faint.
But Is never too hungry to try
May die disappointed, but sH, in his heart,
ho ts hoping away
, To lay on the lines that will make
"A hit"
Some day.
The man who Is waring Jus arms
Like a windmill churning the air.
Haa few of the orator's charm3
And thunders at seats that are bare!
He may die disappointed, but still, fp his
heart, he is hoping away
To deliver tho words that will make
"A hit"
Some day.
O let each go on with hla part!
'TJs better a thousand should fall
Than that one should be taken from art
Through a critic's discouraging wall!
They may dlo disappointed, but where is the
judge who has power to say
Which one of tho3e trying shall ne'er
Make "a hit"
Some day.
S. B. Klser In Chicago Times-Herald.
It Bents the Band.
Oh, ye who are fond of problems.
And in riddles take delight.
And in solving hard conundrums
Will remain up late at night.
If you wish to study something
That certainly beats tho band.
Just hide yourself for a year and
Try to memorlzo shorthand.
I know that mathematics tax
All tha skill of any man,
And that there're other sciences
Vhich wa seldom into to scan;
But If 'steen months of agony
Tou think you can eas'Jy stand.
Take my advice and take a courso
In the science of shorthand.
Oh, tho puszllng little circles
And the angles In the scheme!
Oh. the thousand little word-signs
That aro never what they seem!
You may find It a diversion.
And you may pronounce it grand,
But next to the Inquisition
I will surely clans shorthand.
1 envoi.
Then go to work and buy a book.
And study It night and day.
And practice ev'ry moment
And never be caught at play;
And when tho struggle Is over,
And you seek a Job, so meek.
You'll get a place In some old shop
At three and a half per week!
Frank Bander In Philadelphia Inquirer.
Loafln'.
One time I fixed my work all up. There wa.'n't
Says J. I'll jes enjoy a day of loafln' through
an' tnrougn.
I won't git up no picnics nor do any sech fool
A-botherln' with the victuals an' a-pushln of
tho swing.
I won't do any readln', 'cause a book your
mind will test.
An, when you're thlnkln' thoughts, of course,
you can't be quite at rest.
I'll have the time my dreamln' has so long an
fondly prized.
An revel In tho sweetness of ambition real
ized! So, with both hands in my pockets, I walked
out an viewed the sky;
An' then sat down a-waltla' while tho lazy
hours went by.
An then I thought I'd lose all earthly cares
in slumber deep.
An' that's the first time in tar life I ever
couldn't sleep.
I grabbed an ax an Jumped right In fur fair,
a-choppln wood.
To ease my nerves, an nothln' ever done me
eo much good.
An I've Jes about concluded, as I think It
o'er anew.
That there ain't much fun Jn loafln "ceptja
when there's work to do.
Washington Star.
Trelc Avvay Once More.
Put up your gun and sheathe the sword.
And leave unbarred the door,
Still with the old faith In tho Lord
Our fathers had before.
Drive In the cattle from the veldt,
And after we have suns and knelt
Let's trek away once more.
Adieu to vaal and kraal and kopt
We've heard the bullet's song;
We see upon the mountain's top
The banners of the strong
The joyful hopes we had are fled.
The Jeader that we loved Is dead-
It's time to trek along.
Tha rolling hills will still be green.
The heights will still be gray, ' .
And peace will settle O'er the scene
Where war clouds bang today
But bring the cattle from the veldt.
And. after we have sung and knelt.
Let's rise and trek away!
Chicago Times-Herald.
The Assessor.
By a Friend of the Assessor.)
0 who Is the man on assessing, intent?
And why does he do It: what by It is meant?
He calls at the door with his paper and book.
And ho turns full upon us a business-like look:
"And how many are there, pray tell me.
In this cottage or cabin, whatever it be
How much land do you own; what Is your oc
cupation ?
And what la your husband, and what is hi
nation?
"How many cats hare you, and how many
dogs?
How many cows, also, and how many hogs?
How Jong in tho Yukon do you mean to stay?
And when you leave here will you go far away?
What are la your husband, and what age aro
you?
The flno Is a big one if you do not tell true;
In mine speculations have you ever Indulged?
All matters concerning you must txs divulged.
"Your eyes, they aro blue, but what color are
his?
Should your hair be quite straight, or U nat
ural that frls?
Apd where, may I ask, came that color so
nice;
From tho hand of Dame Nature, or over the
ice?
These questions, dsar madam, please, answer
with basts. ' ,
As there's much to be done, and we've no time
to waste;
And to ask all this knowledge with us is Judi
cious, So we trust you will not think us over ofil
elous." And so goes this fiend with his assessment roll.
And it's useless to think of evading the toll;
Do not argue tho points and exhaust thus your
breath.
For there's nothing so- sura as taxation and
death.
Be pollto with tha gentleman, answer him
straight.
And do not oblige him for hours to wait.
For he's a good grafter, and when wo reflect.
We think him entitled to our highest respect.
Yukon Sun.
Yawp of Ye Street Peddler.
When tho traveling market comes slowly along,
"Pie Ap Paws," howls the man with tha
horse;
Incidentally, "Whoop DIderoop Dlderoop"
One would label him crazy, ot course.
But ho isn't, for surely a man has a right
To converse In a language ha knows;
If ha wants to call pineapples "Pie Aps" ha
may,
So he does It wherever ha goes.
There aro others In plenty, tha'strawberry man
Will undoubtedly belllow, "Straw Bear."
While another linguistic performer asserts,
"Riper Nanners," or "Ripe Bonan Air."
Can you wonder that people lose faith In their
ears?
That they try to be knowing and fall?
Do you marvel no woman can tell what she's
bought.
Till sho sees It In box. or In pailT
'Twould be well If some go-ahead person would
print
A complete alphabetical lot
Of tho varied expressions which peddlers use.
With their meaning set down to a dot.
Then the wife In her home when a yell in tha
street
Makes the blood In her veins trickle cold.
Could refer to her list and at once ascertain
An idea of the fruit being sold.
In the study of languages, modern and old,
Of primitive phrases and verbs,
It is strango no ono ever bethought him to
search
For the root of tho tongue that disturbs.
Now the tongue that disturbs Is no mythical
speech.
It Is spoken right here In New York;
You have heard it, not once, but a thousand
of times.
In the marvelous peddler talk.
Was there ever a language so hard to acquire.
Or a tongue more unkind to a brain?
Take a sample consignment of evryday words
And their meaning attempt to explain.
Brooklyn Eagle.
Paid to Fill Space.
A woman there was and she wrote tor tha
press,
(As you or I might do.)
She told how to cut and fit a dress.
And how to stew many a savory mess.
But she never had done It herself. I guess,
fWhlch none of her readers knew.)
Oh, tha hour we spept and the flour we spent.
And the sugar we wasted like sand.
At the hP3t of a. woman who never had cooked,
(And now we know that she never could cook.)
And did not understand.
A woman there was and sha wrote right fair,
(A3 you or I might do.)
How out of a barrel to make a chair.
To be covered with chintz and stuffed with hair,
'Twould adorn any parlor and give It an air I
(And we thought the tale was true.)
0 tha days we worked and the ways we worked
To hammer and saw and hack.
In making a chair In which no one would sit,
A chair in which no one could possibly sit,
Without a crick in his back.
t
A woraan there was and she had her fan,
(Better than you and I;)
She wrote out receipts, and she never tried
one,
Sho wrote about children of course she had
none
She told us to do what she never had done, '
(And never Intended to try.)
And It isn't to toll and it Isn't to spoil
That brims the cup of disgrace
It's to follow a woman who didn't know beans,
(A woman who never had cooked any beans,)
But wrote and was paid to fill space. """
Boston Congregationalism"''''1'
Tie In xles' Man.
1 never won no picture cahd
De week I went to school:
I never learnt to study hand;
It were agin my rule.
I always tried to take my case,
A race I n"bber ran;
So pass me up dat medal, please,
Foh beln' de lazles' man.
Oh, I's lazy In de mawnln' an I's lazy all day
long;
I couldn't sca'cely hurry 'nuft to sing dat rag
time song:
r couldn't win no cake-walk; I's built on a
restln' plan;
You can't decline,
Dat medal's mine
Foh beln' de lazles' man.
I never worked foh wages ylt;
I sleeps twelve hours or mo; ,
I never shoveled coal a bit,
'Twould break my record, sho'.
An" so I's puttln In my claim
As earnest as I can;
I wants to be hel' up to fame
Foh beln' de lazles' man.
Oh, I's lazy In de mawnln an I's lazy all day
long;
I sca'cely moves fm do street cah track when
de grlpman rings dat gong.
I can't keep cool In Summer. I's too tired to
swing a fan;
So all bow down
While I wears da crown
Foh beip' de lazles man.
Washington Star.
not Enough. for.YoaT
One does not mind tho Heat so very much
The torrid air, tho stifling Warmth, "and
such"
Until at the Thermometer he looks
And sees the height tho Mercury doth touch,
Ono can forget tho sizzling, baking Street.
That makes him, like a blind Horse, lift hi
Feet.
Until some Bunch of Wisdom prateth thus:
" Tls the Humidity, and not the Heat."
It would not mako one wish to mildly swear,
,ay, verily, he would not greatly care.
But for the Thought that by somo one's Ad
vice He still had on his Winter Underwear.
It is not Heat that fills one so with Guile.
And causeth him to talk In Swearful Style,
Tho madd'nlng Impulse cometb when he sees
The joyful Glea that's In the Iceman's Smile.
Thermomei" and Flannels mako one stow;
Humidity and Iceman's Smile do, too;
Eut, ah. we grow the Hottest at tha man
Who asks us, "Is It Hot Enough for Tou?"
Baltimore Americas.
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