The Sunday Oregonian., June 10, 1900, PART THREE, Page 29, Image 29

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THE SUXDAT OREGONIAN, PORTLA2H), JUNE 10, 1900.
29
V5?& - T IT t M s. ' ifc - tVr.;
fejf 1 lUiVtviV Ki
Flailing Time.
he woods are waiting, and the rills
re gushing down the rocky hills;
ho trout are leaDlni? from ihi hmnVi
U red flies and allurlne- hnoit
And. happy-faced, with hearts aglow.
Ana coswy reels and rods.
The fishermen In dozens go
uo worship woodland gods.
In fancy I -with them may lie
)n banks where foamy flecks go by;
MCseems I taste the savory bite
Lnat comes, well earned, in camp at night
The tale, the pipe -with those -well met!
An, -wejcome lancy, work away,
Since through thy pleasing I forget
That some must toll while others play!
S. E. Klser in Chicago Times-Herald.
MRS. PIMLEY'S UMBRELLA
Its Owflfr Looking lor a Woman
In. a Pluni-Colored
Salt.
When sugar slumped the other day to 97,
lr. Pimley did a little plunging on psy
chological principles, and when he liqul-
.ated at 112, Mm. PIralcy's rake-off was
forty-flv-dollar umbrella. To common
jortals It la necessary to explain that a
Ifor'.y-uva dollar umbrella Is no ordinary
implement. Mrs. Pimley's was a princess
nnong umbrellas, toward whose creation
science and wit had combined. Its han-
Jle was rootber-of-pearl, covered with
ieavy gold filigree In exquisite design.
Having once unfurled it, Mrs. Pimley
vould have been content to live forever in
wet world.
This may or may not have had some
thing to do with Mrs. Plmley's choosing
rainy day to do her Spring shopping. The
Important fact is that when she started
Scwntown, immediately after breakfast.
on that occasion, the finishing touch of
it rainy-day costume was the forty-flve-
Jollar umbrella. It was a long day's shop-
ing, and late In the afternoon, when Mrs.
?imlfy reached home. The first remark
Df Mins Agnes Pimley, 14, who met her at
the door, was, "Why. mamma, what have
fcou done with your umbrella?"
In reply Mrs. Pimley cast one panic-
stricken glance at her hands and sat down
In the hall and wept. She had been In a
llozen stores during the day, and In which
bho had left the forty-flvc-dollar umbrel
la, or whether she had left it in the cable
pars, or in the elevated, or whether it had
sen stolen somewhere ao it stood beside
tier, she had not the remotest idea. Mrs.
'imley continued to weep at Intervals dur
ing the evening.
Had Troubles of Hi Own.
The sympathy which, in decency.
light have been expected from Mr.
imley, was not forthcoming. Mr.
Pisiley had been making more experi
ments on psychological principles, and had
troubles of his own. Mrs. Pimley lay
peks the greater part of tho night trying
So remember Just -when she had had the
mbrolla last and coming to th conclu-
bion that tho human mind was a ridic
ulously imperfect organ.
Early morning, however, brought a ray
sf comfort. For, about daylight, it came
to Mr". Pimley with sudden distinctness
hat when ohe went into McTolly's to look
it table linen, she had had her umbrella
rlth ber. She remembered laying it on
rho counter before- her. She remembered
ilso that when sho left the store she car
ried her purse in one hand and two small
imr.dles In the other. So she must have
left the umbrella behind. The girl that
lad waited on her rawt certainly have
sen it. and it probably had been turned
iver to await identification. Of course.
romp customer may have laid unrighteous
iar.5i3 on it, but, having worked, it out fo
cleverly. Mrs. Pimley would not admit to
iTBelf any such thine.
Immediately after .breakfast she started
lowntowa, and whom should Ehe meet on
th car but ber friend, Mrs. Van Antrim.
Mrs. Plmley's spirits were jo much recov
ered that she told Mrs. Van Antrim, tho
tvholo story, omitting neither a full and
iloqunt description of tho umbrella noT
its price. As sho spoke sho noticed ft
;voman in a plum-colored cloth suit and
olvet tou.u, Just opposite, who seemed
reatly Interested.
'To sure- to find It at McTolly's," said
SIr.. Pimley as she finished her story.
j'That wa tho last place I went to, with
the exception of Bengei Bros., and I dis
tinctly remember having it when I went
In and laIrg It on the counter."
Ths interest of tho woman In tho pluin-
bolored suit had grown visibly during Mrs.
'Imley s recital. At its conclusion she
leaned icrrss tho aisle.
"Excuse, my addressing you," 6hs said
politely. "I could not help overhearing
hat jou said. It Is such . peculiar ce-
Inridence. I happened to see a, clerk turn
aver to the fioorwalkot- preJsely such an
imbrella as you describe when I was In
Jengel Bros, yesterday afternoon. It must
mve ben yours, and Is undoubtedly wait
ing for you."
Mrs. Pimley was very much curpxiswd.
"well, how In the world," she said, "did
take that umbrella from McTollevs!
ut I'm awfully glad to know that it's
ife, and very much obliged for your kind-
less in telling me."
Th woman smiled pleasantly, and .ald
Irs. Pimley was entirely welcome.
Mistake Somewhere.
Mrs. Pimley hastened to Bengal 3ros.,
ind. finding the Intelligence department.
Lfter many windings, demanded her um-
prclla. Then Mrs. Pimley received a shock.
rho intelligence department, after an elab
orate search, announce.! that it had no
. .ewledge of such an umbrella. Mm
prnley insisted. An acquaintance hail
-z It found the previous afternoon, and
"livened to a floorwalker. Tho intelli
crce department had to call In cne of th-
t-rm before Mrs. Pimley could b- ionvlned
I hat her umbrella was not in Bengei Bros.
osK&!ion. Then the thing seemed ln-xpll-atle.
"Was it possible tliat she had
understood the plum-s-ulted woman to
jay Bengei Bros? Or could the plum-
Bum d woman have been mistaken after
11?
Mrs. Pimley proceeded ta McTolly's on
Pi" drownlng-nan-And-a-rtrfw principle,
the sffidal to whom she describe' her
imtrolla looked nueer and ?sked her U
f"&it a mordent. Them McTolly's mana
' ' .... i
ger appeared, and regarded Mrs. Pimley
searchingly.
"And you say you are the owner of such
an umbrella?" he asked severely.
"I do emphatically," replied Mrs. Pim
ley. "I am Mrs. George Pimley, and I
have an account here."
The manager's severity changed to ap
prehension. "It's very strange," he said. "That um.
brella was correctly described by a lady
and taken away less than half an hout
ago."
Mrs. Pimley regarded McTolly's manager
dumbly. Then a sudden nausea seized
her. "Was it a tall woman in a plum
colored suit, and velvet toque?" asked
Mrs. Pimley.
"Exactly," said the manager in relieved
tone. "A friend of yours, I suppose?"
The next two days Mrs. Pimley spent in
bed. But the pleasant, plum-suited woman
had best wear her plum suit and violet
bonnet, and carry her pearl-handled um
brella with heavy gold filigree, with ex
treme caution in and about the borough
of Manhattan. New York Sun.
"PAW" AWARDS APPROVAL.
Think It Might Be Well to Have
Preachers on Trains.
"That's one of the Best plans I ever herd
of." paw sed last Kite, after maw Got thru
putting a Poletuss on His sore tbum.
"What is?" maw told him.
"They are Going to have preachen on
Ralerode trains that Bun on Sundles," paw
ansered. "It's a grate thing. I tell you
what. It's a pitty Sum of Our ansestors
that thot they New a Few things Can't
coma back here and seo What a naige of
progress is with Steam up."
"It duzzent Seam to mo they are enny
sents having preaching on Trains," matr
says. "I think it Would be rjng to Do
sutch a thing too. It would seem almost
Like a 3ln."
"Oh, shaw," paw told Her, "they
wouldn't be Ennythlng rcng about it. Peo
ple that wouldn't want to hear tho preach
en wouldn't hafto. They could Go in the
smoken Car and make the Limauit G sents
a corner or mnsthlng Like that. But they
are a hole lot of Good things about the
plan. One of the Best it that It Would
make mor6 Jobs for people that have to
Good a neducashun to Tamp tics and Are
too proud to Begg. Just think what a
goddsend It Would bo to some Deserving
yung man.That never had a goddsend Be
fore If Every ralerode had its Regular
preachers the salme as It Has conduekters
and brakemun and Candy butchers. Then
they Could have the ralerode preachers
union, too, and mebby Get dubble time for
worken on Sundy."
After maw thot about it Awhllo she sed:
Couldn't Afford It.
"They won't never have enny slstum
Like that, becoz tho ralnrode curnpneya
wouldn't want to pay out So mutch mun
ny. How could they afford to Havo a
preacher on every train, and mebby not
even Half of the lower Bur ths taken?"
"They wouldn't need One for every
trane," paw tola her. "Sposen the
preacher Got on the 10 o'clock trane going
South. He could savo all the soles that
needed it By the Time the enjuneer whls
aeled for Kokomo. and then Catch tho
'Eleven twenty Back, makln thurty or
forty sinners On the Return trip wisht
they were nobuller and better men. It
he Got thru with the Surmen before It
was Time to start out on the next run.
He could pass around Dodgers amung the
Saved, saying it was the shortest and most
Direct line to tho East, west, north And
south. Landing you in the very Hart of the
sittto. and if the cumpny had enny trubble
Getting blzncss from the Other lines he
could say sumthlng in his Surmon about
the Dalnger of Going to Purdlshen or
Kansas Slttie by eny other Root.
"Tho ralerode man that Thot of this
skeem new his biznes all Rite, and Just
think how it can be Carried on from Ono
point to anuther. After the slstum Gets
to working good. They can run Sundy
golf trains with Preachen going and com
ing, and In that way make it soast the'
needn't Hardly ever be a Sollut terry
foozle approachen the Hevenly gates. I
spose it would Help trawel, too, Becoz
lots of .people that Don't play on Sundles
now would Think It was thare Duty to
encurridge the ralerode cumpny in its
nobul Effert and Go to The llnx, and Play
from Nine in the morning Till four In the
Afternoon to sho their good faith. Sa
the preacher would More than cm his
sallery rite there.
"Lot of Texts."
"I been Looken in the Bible since I herd
about the plan, and thoy are Lots of texts
would come in Handy to use. Hero's Ono
I got frum the Sams: 'My Sola followeth
hard after Thee,' an.l anuther could bo
made out of This verse: 'They ffo up ty
the mountuns, Thay go down by The val
leys unto the place which Thou bast found
ed For them.' "
They were a Lot mOTe, but piw wouldn't
rite Them off for m- After ouw thot
about It a While shs says:
"Well, It's a Nobul plan enny way. I
spos they are sum. people can't Hardly
help trawullen on Sundles, and If they
can be saved by the- ralerode preachers
it's So mutch the BoUrr."
"Yea," paw told her, "Bu they are one
thing mito work aglnst It some. Jf the
Trane run over a cow cr struck a Sharp
curve about the Time the preacher got to
Thurdly of Forthly, and Threw him in a
man's lap that weighed two hundred and
sixty pound Prom Dallas texas they would
be more Harm done in about a minute
Thiin all the Good the Preachen amount
ed to in Six years. Peerle that ain't Got
tlxns to stay Home and git sored won't
never catch up with mutch Sal oiahun
golnc sixty miles & hour, and a. Flask in
thare pockut." Georgie. in Chicago Tlnn's
Htrald. HER FORETHOUGHT.
She "Wished to Make Sure of nn In
come After Marrlacc.
She Is a fair young thine no mattet
whether she lives in Brooklyn or Kala-
I mazoo, and she knows a young man who
Is all the world to her. albeit the world
might not hold her choice In such esteem
as she herself hold? It. When a fair
young thing is in that condition, it mat
ters little to her where he lives. The only
shadow on her sweet. oung life is cast
by her respected father, who is, or was,
not favorably inclined to the object of 'hex
choice. Just what he thinks now Is not
yet definitely ascertained. The fair young
ining naa an interview witn ner lather
the other evening.
"So," he said, severely, "you have ac
cepted that young smug, have you?"
"To all intents and purposes, P3pa," she
admitted, freely.
"You ought to know better than that,"
he grumbled. "Pont you know he is a
PRESIDENTIAL AND VICE-PRESIDENTIAL POSSIBILITIES.
Mr. aicKlaley.
Mr. Dewey.
J
Mr. Loagr.
very improper young man that he plays
cards for money and bets on horse
races?"
"Yes. papa.'
"And he has only $12 a week salary?"
"I know it, papa."
"And how do you suppose he is ever
going to support you on that sum?'
"He Isn't, papa."
"He Isn't?"
"No, sir."
"Well, he Isn't looking to me to support
him, is he?"
SHe smiled softly.
"No," she hesitated; "not exactly, papa,
but he says If you'll only keep on playing
poker with him three nights in the week,
there won't be any trouble about our get
ting along beautifully." New York Sun.
XO AVOXDER HE WEST BROKE."
Pat Altogether Too Much Confidence
In Dcacoa'ii SnKKestlons.
"Opposite th railroad depot down In
Virginia there was a grocery kept by a
colored man, and as we had some time
to wait for tho train, three or four of us
crossed over to look at his stock," said a
commercial traveler. "Business was very
brisk with the merchant, though all his
customers were colored. We noticed that
sugar, tea and codfijh seemed to sell above
all else, and during a temporary lull
the Colonel approached the battered scales
on which everything was weighed and
picked up some cf the weights. The hol
low in each one had been filled with
lead, and when qultt sure that the pound
weight would balance 20 ounces at least,
he &aid to tbe old man:
" 'I see you have filled your weights
with lead.'
" Yh;, sah; yes, sah,' he replied, as he
rubbed his hands together.
" 'What was thfc idea?'
" To keep de dirt out o de holes, sah.
Can't no dirt get In dar now.'
'Was it your own Idea?
" 'No, ah. I neer should ev got dat
Idea If it hadn't bin fur Deacon Williams.
D deacoi. said it was df way dey did
down in Grc.enr.llfc. an he fixed ra up
fur me wliiout cost.'
" 'The dca;on buys all his groceries
here, doesn't he?'
" 'lie iocs, sah; yes, ah, h buys 'em
all yen, an he was telhn' me only dls
mawnlng dat he npbbor did see de bat u'
how Cem irrr.cerles held out.
"Ho wa adrlscd to take- his weights
orr te thr cotton warehouse and have
them wiglied.-and ha picked them up ani
in a slow walk and very much puzzled
hs prrlcd to th warehouse. Wh-n
J he returned it was en the run, nd hla
eyes hanging out, and as he reached tbi
store he exclaimed:
'No wonder I has gone- Into bank
ruptcy fo'teen times an had to sell my
mewls and hogs an' make do ole woman
go bar'fut! Dat air pound weight weighs
22 ounces, an every time Deacon Will
iams ha? bought two pounds o sugar an'
codfish he has took away three pounds
an' a half! Shoo, but I'ze gwine to close
de doah an' put up a sign o' "Busted
Ag'in!" ' "Washington Post.
AXAXIAS OUTDONE.
Omaha Railway Man Tells a Colo
rado Snnlce. Story
The Omaha branch of the Ananias
Snake Club, composed wholly of local
railroad men, held another session yes.
terday. Charley Young, of the Burilngton,
held the floor.
"I read George West's snake story with
a great deal of Interest," said Young, "and
confess that it is a good one. But I had
a little experience last Summer that
knocks West's story higher than Winter
resort rates in Florida.
"Two years ago this Summer I spent
my vacation in Colorado, trout-fishing and
specimen-hunting. While seated on a
boulder near a mountain stream, resting
from a long climb, I b?gan humming a
snatch from a popular song. I noticed a
commotion in the sparse grass near my
feet, and presently I saw a snake's head
lifted up, swaying from side to side in
perfect time with my melodious singing.
I at once grasped the fact that the snake
was charmed by my. voice, so I sat per.
fectly motionless for 30 minutes, and sang
for the entertainment of that snake. When
I stopped staging the snake applauded by
making its rattles hum like a swarm of
bees, and then glided away.
"Last Summer I again visited that same
spot, and, remembering my experience of
Mr. Bryan.
Mr. Roosevelt.
Mr. Bliss.
the year before, I determined to ascertain
if that snake was still In the vicinity."
T11 bet It wasn't, if it had a good mem
ory." interrupted Dave Johnson.
Mr. Young scornfully Ignored the Inter
ruption and proceeded:
"I seated myself on that same rock,
cleared ray throat, and began humming
the same old tune. If I remember right
It Was 'My Hannah Lacy.' Before I had
finished the flr3t bar I heard a tremendous
rustling in the grass near by, and upon
turning I saw" N
"The same snake. Is supposo," said
George Haynes.
"Yes, and 133 others by actual count.
My first snake was a mother snake, and
for three weeks she had been herding her
new family around that rock, waiting for
me to make my annual tour of song."
Omaha. World-Herald.
TOO SMART FOR MA AD PA.
Didn't Propose to Be Restricted In
Correspondence.
Her parents had no particular objection
to a correspondence with the young man,
but they Insisted that all of hjs letters
should be read by them and all of her let
ters should be submitted before being
posted. Of course, letters written under
these conditions were too cold and for
mal, and the young folks concocted a
scheme that worked well for a short time.
When he wrote to her he wrote in those
peculiar pothooks and zig-zags that mean
so much to the stenographer and so little
to the uninitiated. When her parents in
sisted that she must translate these mys
terious marks, of course she could trans
late them Into anything she saw fit, and
the translations were always very prim
and proper reading. And when she sub
mitted translations of the mysterious
marks she made to send him, ner parents
could find nothing therein to criticise.
But papa's suspicions were aroused, and
one day he secured one of the letters
and submitted it to a stenographer who
made a living by reporting court proceed
ings. The court reporter, not being in the
secret, made a literal translation, and
when naDa saw it his eves stuck so far
I out of his head that they could have been
scraped off with the concave side of a
barrel stave.
That ended the stenographic correspond
ence, but when the poet remarked that
"Love will find a way," he uttered a
truth that will go thundering down the
ages with all the reverberations conse
quent upon a fat man stumbling over a
row of fruit Jars.
As before remarked, the Sweet Young
Thing and He were expert typewriters.
pv
He got a machine and fixed it up, trans
posing the letters on the end of the little
levers that slam up against the ribbon,
but not disturbing the letters on the key
board. Thus, when he would hit the key
marked "a," the letter "e" would be Im
printed on the paper, and so on through"
the alphabet. Of course, the "e" key
would make "a," and similarly all letters
were switched about. The Sweet Youny
Thing was given the combination, and
she warped her machine over Into a sim
ilar condition. When he wrote to her the
letter would read something- Ilk ethls:
"QJ Sk3 FzbmJ Fcvoe39: E osh Jsz; cvfhY
w; c3 c qzoh bc3 mebm."
When the Sweet Young Thing ran this
through her machine, it produced the fol
lowing result:
"My Own Ducky Darling: I love you
harder than a mule can kick."
The Sweet Young Thing's parents are
now laboring under the impression that
she Is studying Greek, and they are de
lighted) with the progress she is making.
Omaha World-Herald.
. EQUAL TO THE SACRIFICE.
Cyrns Barker Compiles With Angre
llne Anhcraft's Rcqnest.
"Cyrus Barker, removo your arm!"
For, in an apparently careless manner,
he had placed it upon the back of her
chair.
Stung by the tones of her voice no less
than by her words, the young man flushed
deeply.
"Is that the greeting you give me, An
gelina Ashcraft you who professed to be
so eorry when I went away to the war
who wept upon my neck and said you
would never have a moment's peace or
happlnof until I returned safely home
again who gave me a photograph, which
I have carried next to my heart from
that day to this!" he exclaimed. "Do you
remember how you said you would be true
to me, though thousands of miles of ocean
might roll between us?"
"Oh, yes, I remember all that."
"Havo you forgotten how you said at
parting, 'O, Cyrus, it breaks my heart! 1
cannot give you up!' "
"I think I did mako some such ro
mark." "I think you did. Havo you forgotten
how you bade me think of you, in camp
or on the battle-field, when the bullets of
the enemy were llylng thick and fast
around me, and let the thought that you
were praying for me cheer me In that
dark hour?"
"I think 1 do recollect saying something
of the kind."
"You think you do! Ha! And when I
was wounded you wrote to me to get well
as soon as I could and come back to you!
Do you havo a dim recollection of doing
something like that?"
"Now that you mention it, I believe I
did."
"You have changed, then," ha said,
scowling darkly. "You are not the same
girl!"
"You have changed more than I have,
Mr. Barker," coldly she answored. "You
are not the same man."
"You still Insist," he went on, with ex
ceeding bitterness, "that I remove my
arm?"
"I do."
"So be it, then!"
Calmly the young man arose, unscrewed
his wooden arm, placed it at her feet,
and turned to go.
"1 hope. Miss Ashcraft," he said, "you
are satisfied."
But Miss Angellno Ashcraft had fainted.
Chicago Tribune.
MAKES ROOM FOR HER.
The Fat Man, the Johnny and the
Yonnfc Woman.
The elevated trains were crowded with
people going to their homes. There wasn't
a vacant seat anywhere. A small man
with a red necktie, patent leather shoes,
clothes of stylish cut and a general fash-jon-plate
appearance sat with his short
legs wide apart, taking up room enough
for two of larger size. A fussy fat man
stood in front of him, hanging on to a
strap, glowering down upon the fellow
with the red necktie and muttering- curses
on his plsgishness.
At Twenty-third street there was a rush
of shopgirls to get aboard. "Plenty room
up forward!" the conductor ehouted as
they scrambled in at the door. The fussy
fat man turned to see where all this room
could be. Tho train started with a Jerk.
The fussy fat man lurched heavily and fell
with crushing weight Into the lap of tho
man with the red tie. The girls surged
forward Involuntarily, clutching at each
other and uttering little shrieks of apol
ogy. The fat man smiled grimly, but
made no effort to rise, while he of the red
necktie squirmed and sputtered without
avail. Then the fat man took off his hat,
bent h!a head toward one of the young
women, and called out in a loud, pomp
ous voice:
"Permit me, young lady, to offer you
my seat," he said.
As the young woman "approached, smil
ing her thanks, the fat man rose slowly
and stepped aside, revealing a crushed
and fuming faehlon plate. The girl stopped
in surprise, then turned red and giggled.
Those on each side of the red necktie
roared with laughter. The fussy fat man
bowed politely to the young woman and
waved his hand toward the seat he had
Just vacated.
"Sit down," he repeated. There was
another roar of laughter, and the red
necktie arose and squirmed down the
allse. The fussy fat man turned in pre
tended astonishment.
"Great Scott!" ho cried, "was I sitting
on that?"
" 'Ty-ighth street!" ehouted the conduct
or. The red necktie got off. New York
Press.
TRAIL OF BURNED MATCHES.
O'Lafferty's Attempt to Get Even
With Load of Hay.
" 'D'ye recollect the time that Billy Mc
Lune and Florence O'Latferty chased that
farmer -with a load of hay," said the night
editor as he opened the Jack pot.
The telegraph man had not heard of It.
"Well, it was in the old days, when the
regulation thing was to work till 2 o'clock
In the morning and then tank up beauti
fully before you went home."
'Sure. In those days they sized you up
by the whisky you drank," sighed the tel
egraph man, regretfully.
"Florence and Billy were proceeding
along Clark street about 5 o'clock In the
morning, each supporting the other, and
both leaning against a wall occasionally to
rest. They started to cross the street and
Florence got a little in advance. Billy
promptly pulled him out from under the
nose of an early cable car.
" 'Thash your dastardly dolns", blockln
up the sight of a gentleman,' roared Flor
ence, shaking his fist at a man on a wagon
load of hay.
'Aw, go soak yo' head,' laughed tho
driver.
"At this Florence grew thoroughly In
censed. Til fix you.' he shouted, starting
In pursuit of the hay. He caught up with
the wagon, stopped gravely, found hi'
matches, and struck a light on his trou
sers leg.
" 'By George, thash funny,' . he mut
tered, as he looked up to find the wagon
half a block In advance. Again he strag
gled along vowing to make a holocaust
of the load of hay. He caught up again,
struck his match and found the wagon
ahead of him. After this happened three
or four times, Billy, waddling along after
Florence and able to appreciate the Joke
somewhat, a string of men and boys lined
up on the sidewalk to see the finish.
Florence left a string of burned matches
from Van Buren to Washington street."
"Well?"
"Oh. a policeman finally coppered em
and put 'em In a cab. and Florence and
Billy rode home in state, and each of 'em
gave the driver, a $20 bill the last money
they bad." Chicago Inter Ocean.
Iw . POP
U.JL
Milk: and Maslc.
Professor McConncll told the Eastern
Counties Dairy Farmers at their annual
dinner a few days ago, that "music suit
able In quality and administered at the
right moment is a never-falllng means
of Increasing the supply of cream. Tno
Sun.
We hall thee. Prof.,
Nor do we scoff
At what yoo. rise to tell us;
Bec&uso we feel
That sods reveal
Strange things to those who're zealous.
"We love to think
The milk-white drink
The cow elves of her treasures
Is changed somehow,
Despite the cow.
By lovely Lydlan measures.
The statement which
You make U rich
In knowledge that enthuses;
Your fame can't fade
Since you have made
Milkmaids of all the Muses.
You've made of Pan,
Tho goat-leg man.
Whose musical endeavor
"Was piping hot
In wood or grot.
A Pan of milk forever.
Tbeso things are plain
And much we gain
By your profound researches;
But something more
From out your store
Wo want by gltt or purchase.
We know that what
Tou know is not
What may not bo relied on.
And you.- no doubt.
Have heard about
The tune the old cow died on.
We do not care
To know jthe air.
As millions have before us;
Nor do we, sir,
Ask If It were
A solo or a chorus.
But tell us now.
Did not that cow
Succumb with slsh and sputter
Because some maid
Just played and played
To make her give pure butter T
W. J. L. la New York Sun.
Zlmmlty-bau-ty-samt
The housefly lit on a big bald head.
Zlmmlty-Duzz-ty-thup I
Hard were the words the owner said
As he lifted his fat hand up.
(Zup!)
Zlmmlty-buzz-ty-zum-m-m!
zum-m-m!
m-m!
The housefly lit on a plate of hash,
Zimmity-buzz-ty-squlsh!
What the diner said we write with a dash
As ho wildly "shoo-ed" the dUh.
(Whrsh!)
ZImmlty-buzz-ty-zum-m-m!
zum-m-m!
m-m!
The housefly lit on a maiden's cbeec,
Zlmmlty-buzt-ty-plngl '
She elappea herself so It was red for a week
As she called her a horrid thing.
(Zing!)
Zlmmlty-busz-ty-zum-m-m I
zum-m-m! ,
m-m!
The housefly lit on a brandy fizz,
Zlmmlty-hlc-ty-wbee !
Said she to the mixer, "This Is his.
"Dash your eyest" said he. '
(Gee!)
Zlmmlty-buzz-ty-sum-m-ml
zum-m-m!
m-m:
The housefly lit and waved her legs,
Zlmmlty -buzx-ty-grid I
And deposited seventy million eggs
And died with her duty did.
(Your bidl)
Zlmmlty-buzz-ty-aum-m-m!
zum-m-m!
m-m!
New York Press,
The Only Way.
I've allers done quite fairly at 'most all Tvo
undertook.
An' I lay It to a motter that I never have
forsook.
ril put It to you in & Whltcomb Riley sort
of rhyme
"Never quit, but keep a-peggin at it
All
The
Time."
I've got a old bay mare to home; she's blind
an' kind o lame;
She can't strike no two-forty salt, but glta
there, just the same.
The best can't beat her record fer a week,
I'll bet a dime;
She hits tho pike an' keeps a-gobv
All
The
Time
I courted Ann Elizy, now, some twenty year
ago.
I popped. She eorter snickered, 'n' then
jilump out answered "No,"
But finally relented, an they rung the wed-
dln' chime,
Fer I kep right on an' pestered at her
All
The
Time
I've often seen some feller that they counted
mighty slick
Go a-sailln' like a rocket, an' come down Just
like the stick.
I've flnerly concluded. If you ever want to
climb.
You've got to Jest keep peggln at It
All
The
Time
Chicago Record.
"When Te'r Growln' Old."
There's a sadness stealin' o'er ye.
When ye'r growln old.
Th' don't 'pear so much before ye.
"When the world grows cold;
Ye'r a' standln In th' evenln
Where th shades unfold.
When th' light o' day Is leavln
An" ye'r growln' old.
Night is drawin of a curtain,
Sot a bell Is tolled.
Things look sort o gray, uncertain.
Where th shadows fold
Th' landscape's waverln pictures
That are all unrolled.
When je'r life Is In th twilight
An ye'r growln old.
Like a fire that's sort o fadln'
When the ashes hold
But a sort o' ghostly shadln'
Of a Joy that's cold;
Llko a sweet song, but whose echo
May ye'r memory hold.
When the sunset gilds the hilltops.
An je'r growln old. :
But th's light beyond th hilltops.
When ye'r gray an cold.
Out beyond the crimson sunset.
There Is dawn unrolled; t
The's a glow o promise beamln'
Of hopes that fold
Ye'r heart and bring It comfort
When ye'r growln old.
Bismarck Tribune.
Oh, Believers!
Jacob's heavenly ladder
Reaehln' ter de groun;
Satan says "Hit's in my way,
En th'ow de ladder down!
Oh. believers.
Better take yo time;
Wen you see ol" Satan
Watch out how you climb!
Moses In de bullrush
LI' I chap was him
Ef dat basket leaky.
How he gwine ter swim?
Oh, believers.
Hoi de hlck'ry limb;
Don't you hit de water
Twell you larn ter swim!
Atlanta Constitution.
-
IKY
Aj
When They Print the Kamei.
I like to read o politics, diplomacy an' such.
With everything 'afs gola on I llko to keep
In touch;
I read the little weekly printed Fridays hero
In town.
An' a great big city paper for to sorter wash
It down.
It's good to feel yotfro posted, an whea all
Is done an' said.
In the steady march o progress you're a-tralp-
sln on ahead;
But so frequently It happens In the march
my off-foot lames
When the papers tell o flghtln, an' they go
to prlntin' names.
I tramped till I was tired, though I never got
a scar,
A-followln the Gen'rals la the Greece an
Turkey war;
With Kitchener I wandered an his Tommy
Atkins throng.
An' Joined with Major Marchand till Fashed
came along.
With Ormany an Uncle Sam an' England for
a spell.
I ranted 'round Samoa, an I kept up pretty,
well.
Now Kruger's got me drafted, an' I smell tho
battle Somes
Since the papers tell o' fighting, an' they
gone to prlntin names.
To read o' folks an' places that their names
ye can't pemounce
Is harder work'n sklrmishin where fancy
shcotln counts.
They keep me at It year by year; I never got
no peace
When the Japanese broke China or when Tur
key soaked up Greece.
An now the Boers their columns are a-movln'p
don't you see?
It's the columns In the papers that ore ter-
rlfyln me I
A task looms up before me worse'n breakln
faro games
Since the papers talk o flghtln an they"v
gone to prlntin names.
, Roj 11 Greene in Leslie's Weekly.
Job Without a Peer.
They take him from the Army, with not a
chance to falL
And they ship him to the tropics on a warship
or a mall;
They ship him to the Jungles where tho wild
banana grows.
To civilize the savage without resort to blows.
And he preaches
And he teaches
The art of wielding hoes.
Ife wears a suit of canvas, & hat to shield
the sun.
And he rules his million charges without a
single gun.
Without a sing 1 cannon, without a single row.
With nothing else but volumes of farm hints
headed "How."
And he preaches
And he teaches
The way to guide a plow.
He lives in tropic splendor, he has his trust7
man.
And a valet bringing breezes with a Jungle
spreading fan;
And another mixing ferments of coacoanut
and rice.
And still another serving with a sprig of
native spice.
And he preaches
And he teaches
The art of making Ise.
A Governor in the tropics a Job without a
peer
It's worth a hundred office jobs In Washington
or here;
To hammock In the noonday, to court the Jun
gle breeze,
A Job of peace and plenty and one perpetual
ease.
And he preaches
And he teaches
Tbe art of trimming trees.
Chicago News.
The Spring- Broiler.
Sing ho for the broiler that's spread on th
grill.
My spirit with visions of rapture to fill;
81ns ho for the broiler, so brown and so crisp.
That flits through my dream like a Will o' th
Wisp.
Its frou frou while broiling is music to me
As sweet as the murmurous song of the sea
That haunts with a charm as elusive and shy,
And sad as the tang of the ready-made pie.
Oh! now on Olympus my Joy I uncork.
And play a tattoo with my knife and my fork,
And. as the bird sings with the medley alons.
My Inner man blossoms a bower of song.
Oh! where is the robin, the thrush and th
wren.
Compared with spring's Jewel, the juvenile hen?
They're naught to this bird, though their graces
they Join
This bird that outblrds the big bird on the coin.
Hurrah for the broiler whose feathers are shed;
Hurrah for the broiler in beauty outspread
To gild the white damask and cause me to sing;
The broiler's the only excuse for the spring.
R. K. Munklttrick, in New York Herald.
In the Open.
I said In my fceart. I am sick of four walls
and a celling.
I have need of the sky;
I have business with the grass;
I will up and get me away where tbe hawk!
is wheeling.
Lone and hlsh.
And the snow clouds go by.
I will get me away to the waters that glass
Tho clouds as they pass;
To the waters that He
Like the heart of a maiden aware of a doom
drawing nigh. ?;2 ,
And dumb for sorcery of Impending Joy. """
I will get me away to the woods.
Spring, like a huntsman's boy,
H&lloos along the hillsides and unhoods
The falcon in my will.
The dogwood calls me. and the sudden thrill
That breaks In apple blooms down country
roads
Plucks me by the sleeve and nudges me away.
The sap. Is In the boles today.
And in my veln3 a pulse that yearns and
goads.
Richard Hovey In Philadelphia Inquirer.
"Jane Bug Hit de CelllnV
Summah's Jes aroun de co'nch
Jes' er little piece erhead
Wen de watamlllyun greets us
Wlf his smile so cool en red.
Summah's sent us wo'd a'ready
Jes las' night I got de tip
Mlitah June Bug hit de ceilin
Wlf his "Bz-z-z-m-m-m-m-blp!"
Summah's comln'! Summah's comin'!
Wlf de flowahs In huh lap.
En' de sun dat smile at noon time,
Cooxln jo" ter take er nap.
Comln'! En de bees Is hummln"
Twell I's droolln' at de lip.
MIstah June Bug fotch de message
Wlf dat "Bz-z-z-z-oo-oo-oo-blp!"
Summah's comln down de big road
Wlf er mllyun In huh a'ms.
En' er happy, lazy feelln.
En' er lot o yutheh cha'ms,
MIstah June Bug done come tol me.
Wen 'e duck en dive en' dip
'Gin de cellln Jes' las' evenln'
Wlf Ms "M-m-m-m-bz-z-z-z-blp!"
Baltimore America.
Victoria's Soni.
"I've a power of sons," sez she,
"All sorts of ones," sez she, v
"Some quiet as cows," sez she,
"Some always In rows," sez she,
"An' the one gives most trouble," sez aha,
"The mother loves double," sez she,
"So drink to the min." sez she,
"That havd gone in to win." sez sho;
"In the 'gap of danger.' " sez she.
"As a Connaught Ranger," sez she,
"An aomewhero near," sez she,
"Is a Fusilier," sez she.
"An tho Innskllllngs not far." sez she,
"From the Heart o" the War," sez she.
"An' I'll tell you what." sez she,
"They may talk a lot." sez she,
"An them Foreign Baboons," sez she,
"May draw their cartoons." sez she.
"But what they can't draw," sez she,
"Is the Lion's claw. sez she.
Dublin Evening Mail.
,Ta