The Sunday Oregonian., May 13, 1900, PART THREE, Page 29, Image 29

"HE SUNDAY OFvEGOXIAST, PORTLAND, MAY 13, 1900.
2(T
,li HI HUHF?
' " 1 v AL&y--
"Mebbc So'
I've never been right positive. It alius mi
my way
To heritate about most everything I do or say.
'"i so i wouianr. uko to lirt my voice above
An' say that flgbttn's brutal, an' that war
aownrignt wrong.
"War Is somethln. so they say.
That we cannot clear away;
Cries must sound and blood must flow.
Mebbo so. But I dunno.
jWhen people won't be civilized, an clever, an
astute
jit seems right tough; hard luck enough, 'thoul
llckln' 'em to boot.
II wish we could go slower when we lead esa
to the light.
S 'Stead o' blowin' "em to glory with a chunk
o' dynamite.
But -war has got to be, unless
You want to quit an not progress.
It's business. Mercy has no show.
Mebbe so. But I dunno.
Washington Star.
BROUGHT HIS AMMUNITION
Eloquent Mr. Ylpperly Contributes
to Bncnavlata McCorkle' Col
lection of Proposals.
The young man came nearer.
"Buenavista," he said, with a premonl-
Itory cough, "may I say what I came to
say this evening?"
"I I think you may, Mr. Ylpperly,"
I came softly from her lips.
"Then." he proceeded. "I may venture
to hope that it will not wholly surprise
you. Mayhap, dear girl, your own heart
has told you already what it Is."
He had placed his arm along the back
I of her chair, and, observing that she did
not appear to shrink from it, he went
I ahead.
"Not with the boldness of one who feels
that he may presume upon a favorable
answer with absolute certainty do I ven
ture to ask the momentous Question now
trembling on my, lips, but rather with
the dread of a reply that may forever
blast all my hopes and drive me forth
a wanderer and a vagabond upon the face
of the oarth! The issue at stake is so
tremendous, the consequences so lasting
and far reaching, that one may well hes
itate before staking one's all, if it may'
be so expressed, upon the cast of a die."
Slightly leaning forward she listened
"with parted lips and clasped hands.
"Therefore, beloved of my soul, I may
have seemed as one who
" alther fears his fate too much.
or his desert is small.
inasmuch as I have not been entirely free
from tho suspicion of being one, further
more, "Who will not put It to the touch.
To win or loso it all.
but while endeavoring- on thp nru lmnrf
to avoid the Imputation of unmanly cow-
araice ana on tne other the equally rep
Tehenslblo and more offensive charge of
toverweening confidence and self-conceit,
I am Impelled by a feeling stronger than
my own win to lay bare my heart before
you, once for all, and end the suspense
that is weighing upon me."
Heullr Too To a chin jr.
"How beautifully you express yourself!"
she murmured.
"Listen, Buenavista McCorklc! Im
pressed with my own unworthiness as I
am, deeply sensible, as I must be, of the
inestimable value of the prize to which
I aspire, I yet dare in my folly to rush j
in where an angel might fear to tread.
gent e girl, jour image possesses my heart
absolutely. Love like mine would melt
j the heart of a marble statue. For weeks
I have seemed to move In a lirwm t
could see your face in the moon. Your
eyes twinkled in the stars. Thf winds n
they blew softly through the trees, seemed
io murmur, -uuenavista: Buenavista!"
The birds that sane beneath mv windnw
twittered 'Buenavista! Buenavista!' and
their music echoed In the chambers of my
eoul. The clouds as they moved majesti
cally across the heavens"
"O, how beautiful!"
" took your form and seemed to
beckon me and vt mnrk m n ivtv.
vision of the unattainable. In my dreams.
-wnen steep nas ended my vigils. I have
cen you as a Greek godaess and wor
shiped you afar off with despairing, death
1 less devotion."
"Have the conductors on the elevated
roads, as thev mumbled out th nnmA nt
the, streets, seemed to say 'Buenavista!
Buenavista!" too?"
"What mean you. Miss McCorkle?"
"Have the frocrs In thp mnrshR nmHnr
their evening orisons, breathed into tho
rapiurea ear or njgnt tne smoothly flow
ing name of 'McCorkle! McCorkle!' ?"
"Why. let me ask. Miss McCorkle, have
you let me make such a blooming idiot
of myse'f if you intended to give me the
ciammy nana m this style? Did you think
I was practicing for a High School ex
hibition?" Absolutely Unique.
"O, no, Mr. Ylpperly. I have enjoyed
it greatly. I think, taking it altogether,
yours is one of the most gorgeous and
spectacular declarations of love I ever lis
tened to. Why did I let you run on so
long? Because. Mr. Ylpperly, I am mak
ing a collection of proposals of marriage,
and I though yours would be a valuable
addition. It Is. It is absolutely unique.
You don't know how grateful I am for it.
as a work of art."
The young man removed his arm from
the back of her chair, thrust his hand in
to an inner pocket, and brought forth a.
folded manuscript.
"For fear you might not remember it
in all its majesty and beauty, Miss Mc
Corkle." he said, tossing it Into her lap,
"allow me to give it to you in full, in
typewritten form. You will see that you
missed the really eloquent, spell-binding
part of it. The peroration would have
made your hair curl."
"I hope, Mr. ripperly, you will not al
low this to
"I shan't lose an nuncA nf f!,vcv. -
twlnk of sleen over It. I ta n ma..
chap who was hard up to write that thing
for me. Miss McCorkle. No, you can
I keep It. I've got another copy somewhere.
ii cave tnea mat production on flv or
six other girls, and it's had the same ef
fect on all of them. I'm getting an inter
esting collection of negatives. I guess I
was pretty badly swindled. Well, I must
be going." Chicago Tribune.
"WAR. OF THE FLAT-DWELLERS.
Dreadful Contretemps That Befell
Two Chlcngro Women.
There was only a narrow air shaft be
tween the two flats. It was a bright, cool,
clean, innocent-appearing air shaft, and
when the Clarkes first moved In, Mrs.
Clarke said it would look so pretty when
she got her box of plants outside, only
she did hope the people across would keep
their curtains drawn, and not try to see
every time she turned around.
And while the Tuppers across the way
watched the unloading of the moving van,
Mrs. Tupper said she knew by the looks
of that woman and the way she fixed
things to move that she was mean, and
she hoped they'd keep their blinds shut
and not try to find out what color wall-papt-
she had. All of which was merely
the overture, a soft, tinkling prelude to
th3 drama which followed for a whole
year from May to May.
There was the polite interchange of
neighborly compliments during the first
few days, and a kind of friendly hand
shake before they donned the gloves, ond
then Mrs. Clarke's cat fell into a little
habit of dozing on the window-ledge and
frightening Mrs. Tupper's canary Into
wild, fiuttery spasms and sudden fainting
fits. Even that might have been over
looked, had not Mrs. Tupper thrown scald
ing water over xn Maria, and Maila, being
an agile and experienced feline, vanished,
and the scalding water douched Mrs.
Clarke's lace curtains and ruined a fern
like thing of beauty In a jardiniere, and
there was weeping and wailing and gnash
ing of teeth then and thereafter, and for
weeks the rooms looking out on the air
shaft were plunged into darkness and the
window-blinds of both flats closed in blank
defiance.
War Declared.
Gradually the rigid rule of separation
weakened. It became the custom, as soon
as the doors closed upon tho bread-winners
of both families, for the two ladles
to go on a tour of inspection to see what
obnoxious and annoying thing each had
committed for the other's earthly torment.
Having discovered a casus belli, the bar
riers were cast aside, the curtains, blinds
and windows all went up, and a battle
royal began.
When the night drew nigh, each poured
her tale of woe Into the world-wearied
ears of her spouse, and with tears und
threats beseeched him to move from the
spot polluted by the presence of ihe
woman opposite. Eut It so happened that
Clarke and Tupper got on extremely well.
They went down town on the same train
every day, chatted over their newspapers
and exchanged cigars. The domestic tem
pests never ruffled their pleasant acquaint
anceship, and the nightly applications
failed to awaken any response in their
manly breasts.
So the months flled by, and the 1st of
May loomed in the distance like a beacon
of light to the distressed voyager on the
rental sea.
"If we move not, I die," said Mrs.
Clarke, and in the next flat a like la
mentation went up, and woe brooded over
the scene.
Therefore It came to pass that on a cer
tain day the tap of the tack-lifter was
heard In the land, and two vans stood be
fore the door, and two feminine hearts
rejoiced with exceeding great joy.
That night when Clarke betook himself
to his new home he found all serene. For
the first time in months the wife of his
bosom greeted him with the honeymoon
smile of yore, and in the midst of the
moving desolation there was sweet peace.
It was a charming flat in a large apart
ment building, modern and altogether de
sirable. An Air Shaft, Too.
"There's an air shaft, too," said Mrs.
Clarke, enthusiastically. "A brighter,
beter one. And the people across are real
nice. I know, because they kept the shades
down and didn't try to stare in the way
that Tupper woman did."
Mr. Clarke sighed. He was thinking of
Tupper's cigars and of the raven's "Nev
ermore." Morning came, and wit)- a sing on her
lips and charity to all the world Mrs.
Clarke opened wide her window-blinds to
let the blessed sunshine in. Far, far away
her enemy dwelt. No more was her soul
to be harassed and perturbed. She was
prepared to smile in sweet greeting upon
hor new neighbors, as she noticed an agi
tion of the window-shade opposite.
A moment, and it went up, with the
window, and In horrified amazement she
saw before her the form of Mrs. Tupper.
And the worst of It is they have both
signed leases, and the two husbands
are enjoying the Joke, for each woman
made her own house-hunts alone and eack
had sung the praises of tho beautiful new
flats, miles away from their hated enemy.
Chicago Tribune.
NOT TAKIXG CHANCES.
"Hoodoo" Quickly Empties a New
Orleans Street-Car.
"Of course, no Intelligent person is will
ing to admit that he is superstitious at
this day and date of common sense," said
a St. Charles-street business man yester
day, "but there are precious few of us
who are not made uncomfortable by cer
tain old-time signs and omens which are
supposed to presage disaster. At any rate,
let me tell you what happened on a street
car in which I was a passenger a few
days ago. Besides myself, there were
perhaps a dozen people on board, and
the car was heading for the St. Chartes
avenue residential district.
"We had gone not over two or three
blocks, when all of a sudden there was a
terrific clanging of bells and the motor
man pulled up short, while a fire engine
went by at a dead gallop. Other fire ap
paratus followed, the whole procession
turning Into the next side street, and we
were delayed for possibly two or three
minutes
"A little farther on the car again came
to a halt, and, looking out of the win
dow, I saw that we were waiting for the
tall end of a funeral cortege to cross the
tracks. I would have thought nothing of
this incident, but a middle-aged woman
.--s" J
srzrr"&2-
vvnS&t S'4
Z
seated at the rear of the car jumped t:p
In violent consternation. 'Good gracious,
Mary she exclaimed to a companion In
an adjoining seat, 'a fire and a funeral!
I wouldn't stay In this car another min
ute for a hundred dollars!' She didn't
stand on the order of going, and her
friend bustled out at her heels.
"Opposite me were three men of a rath
er 'sporty aDnearanee. whn haA bun
talking together about the races. They
pricked up their ears at once. "Say, she's
right about that being a hoodoo,' re
marked one of the party. 'We'll have bad
luck if we stay on this car.' AH three got
off, followed by a refined-looking lady,
who pretended she saw some one on the
pavement.
"At tho next corner every single cne
of the remaining passengers made a rush
for the door. I couldn't stand the pres
sure, and I went, too. Tho conductor
grinned at me ironically as J passed him.
But I didn't care. I wasn't going to take
any chances." New Orleans Times-Democrat.
JUST A W03IAVS "WAY.
Little Wlfle Undoes All Hubble'a
Wise Precnntlons.
The man with the red mustache hap
pened to be in the neighborhood of his
own homo at 1 o'clock the other day, so
he concluded to go In and get a bite to
eat., His wife and the maid were both
out, but the Ice box had a supply of cold
and uncooked vianda and he helped him
self and sat down to a meal of his own
preparation. While he was drinking a
second cup of coffee he heard a man In
the lower hall bawling out eomo Infor
mation which might have been a train
man's statement of Incoming and outgo
ing trains or a crier's call to court, or
any other unintelligible warning. Thrice
was this strange cry repeated and then
the man with the red mustache went out
to .see what was the matter. When he
stepped into the hall the man who had
been raising all the rumpus appeared at
the top of the stairway.
"Oh oh ah all ee ee," ho shouted,
vigorously.
"Hello," said the man with the red mus
tache, "What's the matter?"
"Hello," returned the strong-lunged in
dividual, in to-all-whom-lb-may-concern
tones. Tou live here? I was Just going
to ring you up. Water main's broken in
this street. Water will be turned off at
3 o'clock to allow of repairs. Won't bo
turned on again until tomorrow evening.
We've seat men around all through this
neighborhood to tell everybody, so'a you
can draw off enough to last you for tho
next 21 hours."
The bearer of evil tidings passed on up
to the floor above to notify the tenants
there of the Impending water famine, and
the man with the red mustache returned
to hla luncheon. When he had finished
eating he made a calculation as to the
amount of water that would be required
to tide a family of three over 24 hours of
absolute drought. As a result of his reck
oning he made stupendous preparations for
the approaching dry spell. He filled the
bath tuSj with water, likewise the wash
boiler, four pitchers, the dishpan, the stew
kettles and the teakettle. Then he went
back down town, thanking his lucky star
that he chanced to be home In that par
ticular hour of need.
When the man with tho red mustache
got home in the evening he found his
wife fretting and fussing around hyster
ically. "I'm glad you've come at last," she
said; "I've had tho most terrible time.
Everything has gone wrong. Patty
hasn't come home yet and, to make mat
ters worse, she went away leaving the
luncheon d-'sbes unwaehed. Besides that
she left the bathroom and kitchen all
slopped over as If we had been going
through a Spring deluge. And now 1
can't get any water to cook supper with.
I've pounded on the pipes till my hands
are sore and called down the tube to the
Janitor till I'm hoanse. The water pipes
only respond with a dull, hollow echo,
and the Janitor doesn't give me even that
much satisfaction. Whatever I shall do
I don't know, for thero isn't a drop of
water to be had for love or money."
The man with the red mustache stopped
on the threshhold and peered cautiously
lrnto the kitchen.
"No water?" ho said. "Why, you ought
not have any trouble on that score. I
happened to be here when the man came
around to notify us that it would be shut
off, and I filled everything about the place
so we'd have plenty to do us."
His wife looked back at the teakettle
and the dishpan and the row of pitchers
with a despairing glance.
"Oh," she said, weakly, "I emptied all
that out whea I first came home." Now
York Sun.
NOT HERS, AFTER ALL.
Clever Car Conductor Turns Tables
on Thieving- Woman.
Just as the North State-street electric
car slackened its speed at Randolph and
Dearborn yesterday morning a young man
at the lower end of the car jumped off
ahead of the other passengers, leaving. In
his haste, a paper parcel behind him.
When the conductor passed through he
noticed it and, turning to a woman who
was rising from her seat, he said:
"la this yours, madam?"
"Yes," sho calmly replied, extending her
hand.
"I beg your pardon," said a lady oppo
site, "that parcel belongs to a young
man who got off before the car stopped.
It dropped on the floor and when he picked
it up he laid it here besldo him."
"It's no svxh tbingr," protested the
other woman, "that package belongs to
roe."
Tho conductor hesitated a second, then,
with a maimer worthy of a Judge of the
Supreme Court, he said:
"Madam, if the parcel Is yours, you
can havo no objection to saying what la
In it."
The woman turned red.
"That's none of your business. Give
mo my package."
"Not until you tell me what It con
tains." "Well, if you must know, it's it's some
of my wearing appareL"
The conductor slipped the cord off, and,
unrolling the paper, revealed a pair of
light tweed trousers. Holding the,m up to
the public gaze, he said, with an expres
sion of ill-disguieed amusement and con
tempt: "Do you wear these?"
The iKtfled woman retreated as hastily
Ht
as possible, amid tho laughter and Jeers
of the few Interested parsengera who
tad listened to the brief controversy.
Chicago Times-Herald.
"THAT FALLAR MASALF."
Experience of Swede Who Had Tick
et for South. Dakota.
The duties of the claim agent's depart
ment would be reduced to a minimum if
all cases were like one recently related
by a railway employe. One evening a
short time ago the engineer of one of the
trains running west from Chicago, which
was slipping along at good speed over the
prairie, became suddenly conscious of the
presence of a man on the track immediate
ly in front of him. He had hardly time
to taka in this impression before he felt
a slight shock and a dark mass vaguely
outlined by the headlight described a large
semicircle in the air to the right and
disappeared In the darkness. Shocked and
sickened by the event, but conscious of
blamelessness on his own part, the engi
neer pulled the train up at the next station
and wired to division headquarters:
"Struck a man mile back from Cedar
Grove. Shall we go back and pick up?
Waiting Instructions."
There was some delay over tho wiring,
and a little group gathered around the
Tales of the Orient.
Once upon a time the Sultan of Bagdad took
a walk by hlmrelf. without his whiskers, and
In disguise, to hear what the people might be
talking about. Coming upon a butcher at his
door, the Sultan asked him how business was,
and in reply the butcher said:
"As bad as can be with a Sultan who is
reckless and extravagant and has no care for
the welfare of his people."
"That's straight talk." mused the ruler as
he turned away; and a few minutes later he
was asking a. shoemaker how times were with
him. ,
"I am going to throw up my trade and turn
thief," was the reply. "From tho Sultan to
his lowest menial all are thieves and rascals,
and they are the only ones who get along."
"That's one on me," said the Sultan to him
self, as ho continued on his way. He pres
ently came upon a merchant sitting In his
bazaar with nothing to do, and upon Inquiring
how trade was the merchant bitterly replied:
"There Is no trade, nor can there be as long
as the Sultan and his officers tax the people
to death."
Coming to the market-place, the Sultan be
gan Inquiring of the people right and left. It
was hard times with all, and all bitterly in
veighed against him and his officers. All but
one. He was a corn dealer, who recognized
the great ruler, in splto of his disguise, and
so he called out:
"Tho times are good. Money Is plenty.
Great Is our Sultan, and his government Is the
best on earth."
Half an hour later the Sultan was back In
his palaco and saying to his Grand Vizier:
"Assam, have Kablff. the corn dealer, tied
up and given a hundred whacks, well laid
on."
"For short weight. O B.ulert"
"No; for lying. Then have the butcher, tho
merchant, the shoemaker, and anybody else
you can catch tied up and given the same
dose."
"For lying. O Ruler?"
"No; for telling the truth. What we want
In this thing la a happy medium neither false
hood nor truth, but lots of enthusiasm and all
'
" m ' "
r
the tax money we can get bold of,"
engineer listening to his story, and con
versing in low tones over hU bad luck.
"I only got a glimpse of him." he said,
"before we struck him. He went into the
air so high that I saw him by the light
of the headlight, and he must have struck
some ways from the track. I suppose his
clothes must have held him together."
Then, after a pause. "That's the worst 1
ever had. I hope it's tne last."
This called up some reminiscences of the
experience of others of the group. They
were interrupted by a panting voice com
ing out of the darkness behind tho group:
"Dcs train go to Dakota?"
The speaker being Informed that that
was the Dakota train, breathed a sigh of
relief.
"Vail' he continued, "Ay tank Ay run
'bout fas' 's relrode tran. Ay bot teecket
to Sout' Dakota, en teeket man hay tak
ma sax toilar feefy cents en tole may Ay
skal go tran tonight. Ay meet tran back
here baleways en ben run lak yack rab
bit." Just then the reply cams from head
quarters. 'You're to go on, Jim," said
tho bearer of the order, "and we're to get
out a freight engine and send back from
here for tho man you struck." The Swede
became interested.
"Vat fur dees enylne go back?" he asked,
and then some of those standing near
looked at him for the first time. His hat
was gone, his clothing was in strings, and
what there was of It, as well as the ex
posed portions of his husky person, was
covered with thick mud. Some on ex
plained In a few words. The train was
Just moving.
"Ay tank Ay get tarn gude yoke on
relrode tran." he chuckled, as he. climbed
tho step3 of the smoking car. And then
as he moved away into darkness he yelled
back to the little group:
"Ay got yoke on relrode tran! Ay bano
that fallar masalf." St. Paul Pioneer
Press.
SPANISH "WAR. "WIDOWS.
Experiences of War and Xaval Of
ficials With Them.
Some grewsomo tales como from the
War and Naval Departments apropos of
the removal from Cuba to this country
of the remains of those killed in tho
recent war. Not long ago, a widow of
one of tho victims of the battle of Santi
ago called at the Navy Department. "I
wish," she said, "to secure tho remains
of my husband, who was buried In Cuba,
which I understand to be among those
soon to arrive." The official to whom this
request was preferred asked her to con-
slder. suggesting that It was much bet
ter that her husband, the Nation's hero,
should lie at Arlington among those who
fell with him In battle, where his grave
would be always cared for. and where
sho could visit it from time to time,
but whether she visited it or not, others
would reverently lay wreaths upon the
mound.
MI know," sh eadmltted, "we should be
grateful for the care bestowed upon the
graves of our dear ones, but I desire
oh, so much! that the body of my hus
band shall He besldo the remains of my
children In the little cemetery at home.
My parents lie there, I shall be laid to
rest close by them, and I should be hap
pier to know that what Is left of my hus
band was there near us." No argument
that Mr. X. advanced availed to move the
determined woman.
"I am sorry to tell you," he said, fi
nally, growing quite desparate. "but In
the climate of Cuba wood decays very
rapidly, and tho cofilns holding the re
mains of those who died were found. In
many instances to have all gone to
pieces, and the bones all fallen together.
While we know that In each grave six
were buried, we cannot establish the
Identity of tho bodies, so It would, you
see, bo quite Impossible for me to sep
arate the body of your husband from
those of the Ave comrades with whom he
was burled." The heart-broken widow
paused for a moment in deep thought.
"Would you mind," she said, "giving me
one of the six? I will take my chances."
Another woman. It Is said, wrote to the
War Department, asking if the remains
of her husband, who had been killed in
Cuba, would be brought to this country,
as sho was most anxious that they
should be burled in tho family plot In
the local cemetery. Receiving a prompt
answer in the afflrmativo with the assur
ance that the Government would pay all
expenses, the thrifty widow replied: "I
am grateful for the good news you send
me, but If It Is all the same to the Govern
ment I should prefer to let my husband's
body remain In Cuba and receive instead
a check for tho amount the Government
would expend to send It hither. I havo
need for the money Just now." Leslie's
Weekly.
AT CROSS-PURPOSES.
New Cook Has Difficulty in Making
Known Her Name.
Wo telephoned to the Intelligence office
for a cook. As Annie was the only name
given on her card from the office, we in
quired her surname.
"Annie," I said, "what la the rest of
your name?"
"That Is It," was the reply.
'Yes," I continued, "I know your name
Is Annie, but Annie what?"
"That is it, I tell you, missus," she said,
with a broad smile.
"You have two names, surely," I in
sisted, "a first name and a second name.
Now, what is your second name?"
"Oh, missus," she exclaimed, with some
impatience. "I tell you that is it."
With rising displeasure, thinking she
was trifling, I said, very decidedly, "Your
name is Annie what?"
"Oh," she cried, enthusiastically, "I am
so glad you know! I think you will never
know. Yes. that is it!"
For a while I sat in silent despair, the
girl eyeing me with a rueful countenance.
Finally a happy thought struck me.
"Annie," I said, very mildly, "what is
your father's name?"
"Michael," was the doleful reply.
"Michael what?" I almost gasped, feel
ing that I bad suddenly become a parrot.
But, like the eternal "Nevermore" of
Poe's raven, cama the echo, "That is HI"
A sudden illumination! Perhaps mine
is the dull brain.
"What do you put on your father's let
ters?" I next interrogated.
"That Js what I must put on. or ha
would not get them," was the sobbing re
sponse.
Unwilling to give up after such a trial
of patience on both sides, I asked, gently,
"How do you spell it?"
Slowly came the solution of the enigma
"W-a-c-h-t." Lipplncott's Magazine.
Sew to the Telephone.
Here is rather a good story, which has
also the merit of being true.
A large firm In Aldershot recently en
gaged for the office a youth from the coun
try, part of whose duties it was to attend
the telephone In his master's absence.
When first called upon to answer the
bell. In reply to the usual query, "Are you
there?" he nodded assent.
Again the question came and still again,
and each tme the boy gave an answering
nod.
When tho question came for tho fourth
time, however, the boy, losing his temper,
roared through the telephone:
"Man, are you blind? I've been nodding
my head off for the last half hour." Tld
Blts. In Early Days.
"I don't believe," said the young man
"that any man ever courted a woman
without telling lies."
"There was such courtship once," said
the middle-aged man.
"When you were young?"
"Huh! I'm young yet. I meant back In
the early days of the race. In those days,
you know, when a man loved a women
he sneaked up and knocked her out with
a club and took her to his lonely home,
and they lived happy ever after." Indian
apolis Press; - , , -
LL POETRY"!?!
"Ree."
The night wind sings to a mound of earth
In the midst of & silent plain.
For Death has kissed with his ley lips
The feverish brow of pain.
No granite stone or a chiseled word
Tells who may be lying here.
For he was. a soldier; a regular soldlsr,
A regular engineer.
They fired a volley and sounded "taps"
And everyone bared his head.
While most of us tried to keep down a lump
Because It was all for "Red."
The lad who drilled in our awkward squad
And shared la our short career.
For he was a soldier; a regular soldier,
A regular engineer.
He wasn't the man for a drawing-room,
Or afternoon teas at alL
Tho deepest impressions he ever made
Were done In a barroom brawl,
ne wasn't a saint of the singing kind, '
Unless be hod drunk some beer;
For he was a soldier, a regular soldier, '
A regular engineer. j
I guess ho must have believed la hell.
For every time he'd swear
He told some fellows he- did not Ilka
To start on & Journey there.
And size did not cut any Ice with "Red,
As he was a foe to fear.
For be was a soldier, a regular soldier,
A regular engineer.
A happy-go-lucky, contented lad.
"Who Just didn't care a damn
For anybody or anything
But the Major and Uncle Sam.
His views on expansion were somewhat dim,
But his duty was very clear.
For he was a soldier, & regular soldier.
A regular engineer.
He did not know the Intrepid dash
Or the thrill of the charging line.
HU work was to model the shattered bridge
Or work in tho powder mine,
A helpless target for every gun.
Without the soul-stirring cheer;
For he was a soldier, a regular soldier.
A regular engineer.
Tho papers had it our loss was slight.
And named him among the dead;
But the man who scribbled that careless lino
Could never have known old "Red."
Who died for his country upon the field
"Without a sustaining tear.
For he was a soldier, a regular soldier,
A regular engineer.
The fight goes on and the world forgets
The- place of that new-made grave.
But a voice comes down from the starry sky
And whispers, '"Well done, my brave,"
While up In heaven the roll Is called.
And somebody answers "HcteVr
For he was a soldier, a regular dndier,
A regular engineer.
Robert B. Jordan In Brooklyn Eagle.
The 3Iovingr Taa Mas.
When the buds on the branches am breaking
their bonds.
When the grocer his mlng gets out.
When the strawberry boxes are filled to the
brim
And tomatoes look healthy and stout.
You may think that the Spring has exhausted
her signs;
That you cannot find more; but you can.
You forgot in your hurry to welcome the May
That it's time for the Moving Van Man.
In the days of his boyhood, the Moving Van
Man
Had a single fact wedged in his head;
There is always 'twlxt places a difference in
time.
In geography often he read.
Now, applying his knowledge to practical use.
Is in manhood Immutable law;
That Is why If you tell him you need him at
nine.
All his retinue comes about four.
Oh, the Moving Van Man. what a marvel he Is!
What discretion, what judgment and care!
He will give the piano to two of hU men.
"While he concentrates five on a chair.
He can break up a home with ridiculous ease
He's adept In a matter like that;
To appreciate fully, however, his skill.
You should see him at work In a flat.
Sweet Indeed ore the neves of the bird In the
tree;
He can movo by himself and he's glad.
Hear the roar of the savage with house built of
reeds,
"Who can just biff It down If he's mad.
When he furnished hU homo la a weather
proof tub,
Old Diogenes' wisdom began
There ore lots of us now who would dwell in
a keg.
Just to boycott the Moving Van Man.
Arthur H. Fohell In Brooklyn Eagle.
Toast of the Army,
Where lie the bamboo cities
'Mid Orient swamp and cane;
Where palm and sapodllla
Wave rreen e'er Spanish Main;
We toast our colors streaming
The banner of the free
And, eyes and glasses brimming.
We drink, oh land, ta thee!
The white, crisp. Northern-Winter,
The broad, still plains of snow.
The fair and sunny Southland,
Where scented breezes blow;
The bustling mart and market.
Whoso buildings skyward stand.
The wastes of pear and cactus
Along the Rio Grande.
Oh. far deserted quarters!
Oh, path and lane and street!
The scenes that now. as exiles.
We find we hold most sweet;
Tho' fettered are our bodies.
Our hearts may truants be;
And so. tonight, a legion.
Wo drink, dear land, to thee!
Across the miles of water
We bear the flag we love
One country and one emblem.
One cause all else above.
Forgive us If we falter
(Thy sons who widely roam)
An Instant while. In silence.
The soldier thinks of home.
Edwin L. Sobjn in Leslie's Weekly.
Spring Gentle Spring;!
Tho airy lilac's blowing
In every table d'hote.
The festive bock is flowing, K
Unto the bluebird's note.
And while the agile goat
Performs the eaguadllla
Upon the rock remote.
Fetch on your sasaparilla!
The farmer's madly hoeing"
Without a hat or coat.
The berry's brightly glow Ins
Upon the fizz afloat.
Too lazy now to tote;
We shed our old chinchilla
And o'er the prospect gloat.
Fetch on your sasaparilla!
Oh, while the Shanghai's crowing
We for the "broiler" vote
1 The apple blossoms snowing.
The ball fiend splits his throat
With words we cannot quote,
And for the rural villa
We run to catch tho boat.
Fetch on your sasaparilla!
ENVOI.
Oh, while the sklpful shoat
Skims nature's bright mantilla.
With Joy we simply bloat.
Fetch on your sasaparilla!
New York Herald.
Good Old Days.
Oh, for the good old days!
When microbes were unknown.
When bold baclll lurked not
In every vein and bone.
When wo could eat with freedom
And wero not prone to sigh -Because
they set before us
Some antiseptic pie.
When in our drinking water
Our faith was always firm,
And we were not imbibing
The subtle, active germk
When we could breathe with courage
The costless atmosphere.
And savants did not warn us
That we must "boll the beerl"
Oh. for the good old days!
So free from bugs that kiss
When microbes were unheard of
And Ignorance was bliss!
When germs did not Inhabit
Our wine from brim to dregs.
And sc!Mce left us somethln?
To ct. r&vc hard-boiled eggst
- .-Baltimore American.
Stuck on the Show.
The day they put the posters roun "" "
An' 'lumlnated all the town
With plctur gaU'ries here an there, --
You'd seen me chasln' evrywhere,
A-readln evry bill an more, ,
An' slzln up the repertore. j "
An llngrln longer where I'd find C
The lithographts of never mind ;
Folks said they surely guessed I'd ra
To see the fust night of the show.
An' so I did. I knocked off work
The day they put on "Hazel KIrke"
'Bout 4 P. M on hurried homo;
Went thro a course of brush an' coma,
An' then, in Sunday clothes an' all.
Waa roun' to open up the hall.
An' grab a programme soon's I dare
To see if well, her name was there! y
Folks kinder grinned at me. you know
Took such a lnfrest In the show.
Sat thro' the play, an laffed an cried.
An cheered an hollered, too, beside;
Man next me told mo 't wouldn't do
To moke eyes at the ongenoo. i
An' et It kinder 'peared to bo ;
That she was lookln' right at me;
An when a feller thinks that way ,J)I ,
He gets courajus, don't he, eh?
Folks stared at me uncommon, tho'
Said funny how I liked that show. .
Next night I seen the play, an' nextt
The manager was kinder vexed. -
The hurrah business I went thro
Applaudln' of the ongenoo.
Tho girls In town looked least mite queer.
An there was talk I didn't hear;
1 jes' foun out the hotel that
The ongenoo was stoppln at
Folks winked an' sold 'twarn't hard to kno
Why I was stuck on that there show.
Well. evry night till Saturday
I paid to see them actors play,
An' then, afore the closln' show.
r .-
I went to her hotel, you know; if ' -
Made up my mind to keep In sight -y
When she came out I thought I might
Jes speak up nice an bright an' all, .
Ask could I see her to the hall. I w.
Some fellers roun was jealous, tho'
Thought I wis goln' with the show! -.
I hadn't watted long afore .;,
The ongenoo came to the door, a
An looked aroun an' kinder smiled '""
Gee! warn't them other fellers wild! !
So then I tipped my hat an' bowed, .
An" asked her would I be allowed;
But she Jes' laffed an' stared In doubt
Said, "Does it's mother know It's out?"
Folks wondered why I didn't go
On Saturday to see the show.
George Taggart In Dramatic Mirror.
My Pa an' Ma.
My pa he is the wises' man, I s'pose, you ever
seen;
He knows Jus' why mos' all things is, an
knows Jus" what they mean.
He knows a heap more than jay ma, 'cause
he's a man, you see;
He ain't a woman like she Is, though tol'ble
good to me.
But when I ask him questions 'bout the things
I'd like to know, .
He sort o' scowls at me at firs', an then he.
answers so;
"Do go away!
Don't bother me! 1
I'm busy now!
Say, can't you see!"
But when I ask my ma, why, then she allers
ans'ers me.
I'd learn a slijht if she knew things almos as
well as he.
When pa an' Mr. Jones sits down an talk an
hour or less,
I wish the Preslden could bear; he'd learn
some thlng3. I guess,
'Bout why the country ain't worth' shucks, an
why it orto be.
My pa he makes them things so clear that even
I can see.
He proves how ever thing should be, an how
it's all amiss.
But when I ask him questions, then he an
swers mc like this:
"Oh. run away. v
You foolish lad!
Questions like yours
Will drive me mad!"
But ma sho tells me all she knows, an that
much has to go.
I wish she knew as much as pa, fer then X
Judge I'd know.
An yet my questions all Is "bout the things
boys like to know.
I asked him once, I recollec', why things X
drop don't go
Up In the air instead of down, the way they
allers do;
An once I asked If God gits tired of holdln
office, too.
The way men never doss, pa says, I ask such
things as these.
But pa scowls an' says, although I ask him
with a "please":
"Oh, run away!"
An" then I'm fired
"Questions like yours
Do make me tired!"
But ma she an'serfc all she can, an' holds me to
her breast
I guess my pa does know the mos', but ma
she loves me best.
A. J. Waterhouse in S. F. Examiner.
The WTiistline: Boy.
A merchant went In the Summer time
To a pleasant, peaceful, pastoral clime.
Where the roadways ribboned the acres through
And the fruit of tho farmer's labors grew.
He walked alonjr where the hidden choirs
Tossed plaintive notes to the vibrant wires
Of Zepherus. that caught the thrill
And flashed Its sweets o'er grove and hllL
His senses woke to a measure new,
A hallowing peace did his mind Imbue;
And ho paused as he felt Its benefice
Like a spirit passed to the realms of bliss. k
As there he stood in the bowered way.
He caught the notes of a happy lay
That came from a lad in the cornfield wide.
Who whistled the while his hoe he piled.
He watched the boy as from hill to hill
He swung tho hoc with a sturdy will.
And the harder he worked the fuller vent
He gave to his lips accompaniment.
"Ah. there," said the merchant, by impulse.
bade.
"Is a son of man whom work makes gladl"
Then he went to the boy In tattered blouse
And engaged htm to work In his counting
house.
The youth took hold with industry grim.
Put be brought his whistle along with him.
And In Just two days Its charm gave o'er.
And the whistler was kicked through the office
door. Boston Couriers
Strawberry Shortcake.
Softly comes the memory Sowing,
Softly as the zephyre blowing
From the lake!
And 1 think 'mid business cares
Of the lu3clous shortcake squares
Motherd bake.
With the rolllng-pln before her
And a hot range to assure her
She would start;
And she'd have the pastry heaping, i
With the giant berries peeplnj
For the heart.
I can see the syrup dripping
And a luscious berry slipping
From beneath;
And the paste was golden yellow
And the berries made a fellow
Bite his teeth.
But I'll never taste her equal;
No. there'll never be a sequel
To her brand;
For I board, and I am getting
Shortcake with one berry setting,
i Full of sand. Chicago News.
Lament of Oora Paul.
O give me back my spruits and kops.
My kopjes and ray kloofs.
My kraals and neks, my drifts and dorfs
Now tramped by British hoofs;
My Bloemfonteln and Sprlngfonteln
Have lost the bloom of Spring;
From Spyfonteln and Stlngfonteln
The winds bid odors bring.
From Ladysmlth and Harrismlth,
And Ladybrocd we trek.
From Magersfonteln, Jagersfonteln,
Klip Drift, Lalng"s Nek,
From Drelfonteln and Sullfonteln
The cry Is wafted. "Olt!"
While ajl that's left Is Nltfonteln,
Where eyerythlns is "Nit."
. . , UlUftndfc