The Sunday Oregonian., April 22, 1900, PART THREE, Page 28, Image 28

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28
THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN. PORTLAND". APRIL' 22, 1900.
--s
wm-
Sprlntr.
Tho violet Is blowing
In ultra calm content:
The lily's wildly mowing
Her golden-hearted scent.
And rocking like a dorr.
Adown the garden path.
Maud keeps the morning dorr.
Cavorting up the lath.
New Tork Herald.
MA'S INFALLIBLE RECIPE
Bnt It Wonld Sot Cure Hnbby's Cold,
find When He Lenrned "Why, He
Spoke Out In Meetln.
"This late Spring cold of mine," said the
commuter to his wife the other morning,
"is going to hang on long enough, I'm
afraid, to run. In the early Summer cold
class."
Ills wife, when he had finished, eaid:
"I will go right down and make you
some flaxseed tea: that is my mother's
Infallible remedy, and I am sure it will
cure your cold In a night."
Then go right down and make it ln-
I stanter. I have such a cold that I can't
talk distinctly. Today I had to use aa
Interpreter at the telephone, and if I am
no better bv tomorrow I am afraid that
I shall have to resort to the deaf and
dumb method of communication to eell
goods. So the sooner you have that
flaxseed tea the beter. Why. do you
know that this cold has such a grip on
me that corned beef and turkey taste
alike, whllo Trovatoro on tho hand or
gan sounds so like The Wearing of the
Green' that I can't tell them apart, and
it has such an effect on my vision that I
cannot tell one friend from another."
Tho commuter's wife then realized that
he had a most eevere cold. So she lost no
time in descending to the dining-room, and
in preparing the flaxseed tea in the chafing
dish. "Drink it as hot and as fast as you
can," ehe said, as she handed him a large
glassful of her mother's Infallible decoc
tion. He began drinking it In sips, because It
I wjs almost at the boiling point.
"How does It taste?" she asked.
"It tastctt like nothing and like every-
I thing." he replied. "It might be claret
punch: it might be chicken consomme, or
It might be champagne. I think I will try
to imagine that it la champagne and give
myself a good treat at once. Here's to
your dear mother!"
So he took as long a pull at it as he
could, and then another, and another,
until the glass was empty. "It Isn't like
champagne." he said, a moment or two
after the decoction had reached the spot,
"but if It will euro the cold so that my
talk won't be full of typographical errors
tomorrow, I will call It square."
On the following morning he coughed
harder than ever in the dining-room.
"Daeh your dear mother and her recipe!"
"What do you say?" she asked in
alarm.
"I don't know what I said: my cold Is
o bad that my power to think is lost like
my sense of taste, so, as I Just remarked.
I don't know what I said. I don't know
what I am saying now. for all words are
alike. Take my words down and read
them to me after I get well. Am I
promising you a hat, or are we going to
Saratoga to buy birds which, what, the"
Here he sneezed several times.
Then he saw the nackasre of flaxseed on
tho sideboard: at least, he saw what was
left of it. and when he saw it his power
to differentiate words and handle them
immediately returned.
After he had poured forth several red
hot volleys, he said with great vigor and
vim:
"It's no wonder that tea. didn't cure my
cold!"
"Why?" was all she could ask.
"Why? Because you mado It of bird
seed, that's why!" New York Herald.
TRIED TO GET EVES.
I But Got Himself In a Wont Pickle
Than Ever.
Some people are nhllosonhlcal nnm?h
to accept defeat gracefully; others nurso
uieir wratn and waste much time in a mis
taken effort to "get even." Of one of
those latter an amusing story Is told.
A. man registered at a Chlcatro hotel one
day. and took tils' dinner outKlrin with a
friend. When he came to pay his bill he
found himself charged with a day's board.
dinner and all. He protested. The clerk
tried to explain that the American plan
was based strictly upon time, and that if
he chose to eat elsewhero It was his own
lookout, but the man would not be nitri
fied.
Hft TlMd h!ft bill liniA T.Tftit Than Tn.,
asked if dinner was still on, and was In
formed that It lasted until 0 In thn -vi-n.
Ing.
Then I'll iro nnd tnplcln If" n -
claimed. 'Tvp nnton nnn ".lnw. 1, T'w.
- ...... .. ........... uuk
going to get my money's worth out of
ki i .- .. .. ...
uj iiuuse, or pensn in tne attempt.
He rushed Into one of the dining-rooms,
Seizpd n hill fit fnrt nnA nTAnAA a,An,
thing he could think of. When he Anally
got to tho end of his tether the waiter
handed him a check for H 10.
wnafs that forr he asked in surprise.
"Your dinner, fir."
"But I have alreadv nald for mv rtlnnor
In my bill," he protested. "I'm staying
here on the American plan."
"Then you should have gone to the other
dining-room." said the waiter. 'This is
the European plan cafe."
ThA mnn n-iM ft hfll rt wnllr. ...
- fru... ..a. u... U..U f.lU Ulil,
His feelings must have been heavy, both
In body and mind. Youth's Companion.
PROMOTER OF GRAVEYARDS.
I Enterprising MIssonrlan Strikes It
Rich In Cemeteries.
"You Eastern peonle are not the onlr
enterprising Inhabitants of the globe," said
an enthusiastic man In a "New York busi
ness house. "I have a neighbor In Pemis
cot County, my state. Missouri, who Is a
sort of plutocrat in graveyards. Some
years ago he opened a tombstone factory
in ils part of the state, and, as he marked
down the price, he had quite a boom In
his business. In a short t!mo thorp. wn -.
monument or headstone at every grave In
me cemetery, ana as lire people do not
r
fflJMOR
buy tombstones this man's business was
hit by what your Wall street folks call a
flurry. What does he do but go to another
town not far away and buy a graveyard
of his own and put down the price of lots.
This caused quite a cemetery boom until
all the lots were disposed of.
"As soon as some of tho people began to
die the enterprising tombstone dealer was
again in the whirl, or, as my old friend
Wilbur F. Storey was wont to say of bis
paper, on the top crest .of the advancing
wave. In a year or so he had every grave
in tho cemetery marked with his goods,
and another thud hit his business. But
he rallied, went to another town. Invested
in another graveyard site, and manipulat
ed this scheme as he had tho others, and
with like result. ,
'That makes three cemeteries he has
started, filled and marked, and tho last
time I saw him he told me he -was looking
for another. He is now known as a grave
yard promoter." New York Sun.
REQUIRED STEADY SERVES.
Bnt tha; Operation IVns Facilitated
by Shoemaker'! 'Wax.
A young man from a wholesale house
down on the river front, presented a
check at one of the banks the other day
and while the money was being counted
out amused himself by balancing coins on
the marble edge of the Paying Teller's
window. Finally he performed an aston
ishing feat. He first balanced a silver
dollar so It stood up on cage, then placed
a half-dollar edge to edge on top of it.
and completed the pyramid with a bright
new quarter. His manipulations as he de
posited the coins one on the other was
beautifully delicate, and the spectacle of
all three standing without support made
the teller's eyes protrude from their
sockets.
"Why. that's perfectly amazing!" be ex
claimed. "I wouldn't have believed it
could be done!" The other attaches
looked on and marveled. -
"It takes steady nerve to do it." said
the young man, carelessly, and sweeping
the coins with a dexterous grab he dropped
them into his pocket, picked up his money
and strolled out. It was not a busy hour,
and after he was gone all hand9 began bal
ancing silver, or rather, trying to. The
thing was as fascinating as the old "pigs
in the clover" puzzle, because one could
come so near without doing It. Nearly
everybody succeeded In balancing the first
I dollar, and a few managed to poise the
CO-cent piece for an Infinitesimal, breath
less Instant, but It always fell down again,
and that was as far along as any one
could get. For an hour or more there was
Tllver all over the floor, and the bookkeep
er had to make good a dollar that rolled
Into a crack. Next day the dexterous
young man sauntered in with another
check.
"We were all trying that balancing trick
of yours yesterday," remarked tho teller
as he handed over the bills, "but none of
us could do It. You're right when you
say it takes steady nerves."
"Y-e-s." replied the young man. grin
ning, "and it's also facilitated by a little
shoemaker's wax on the edge of the
coins." Philadelphia Inquirer.
MADE A DIFFEHESCE.
Pat Admits Circumstances Might AI.
tcr Cnses.
Judge Whltehouse says that, though
Daniel J. McGllllcuddy, of Lewlston. has
told him a great many good stories off
the bench, that Is, mind you still he
thinks that the humor of this one hits the
top notch.
Two aged tads were sitting with shoul
ders humped over, their black plpes-dang-llng
between their teeth, their elbows on
their knees, their hands flopping idly down
beside their legs. They were discussing
the old days In Ireland.
"Sur-re," said one, Tr 1'apln th min of
Connemara cud not bo bate. An'athot Is
thrue, thot- I mind me wan bit of a la-ad
thot wance on a time shtarted l'apl'n.
POSSESSES ONE
Mamma Professor, has my daughter any
pianist?
Professor Yah; she. haf von.
Mamma I am delighted. What is it?
Professor She hat two hands.
He 'laped wan lape after another like a
kangaroo, nnd Ivry lape "was longer than
tho other wan before it. An' the lasht
lape was thot long an hard that whin he
shtruck his feet wlnt three inches Inter the
solid lidge. They did, thot."
The other old tad never quivered. His
face was expressionless. He slowly pulled
his pipe from his mouth and spat medi
tatively. Then he put back his pipe and
pursed his lips.
"Thot's viry fair 1'apin'." he said nt last.
"It molght do for Connemara where the
1'apin' is not so much as It molght be. But
now that yo spake of l'aptn I remlmbcr
a Tlpperary mon thot he was the gr-r-reatest
Taper In tho whole of Ireland at
thot time of which I'm spakln. I'm tell
ln' ye this for a thruo sthory. Wance on
a Urn? I see that man stand oop wld his
1 i ' '
lit I ! W-.MI I ! I l-STf
fate close toglther an' his hands close
down by his side and thot man he
Joomped C9 fate backward thot's what he
did."
The narrator halted here and pulled at
his pipe thoughtfully apparently ab
sorbed in reflection as to the glories of
that jump.
The other old tad looked at him re
proachfully. "G'long wld ye," snorted he "Sixty
nine fate! Why no mon thot Ivcr lived
cud mak' such a lape as thot, whot a-r-r-o
ye tarkln' about?"
"Sure, now, what I'm tellln yez Is the
truth o' the mater Jlst as It happened.
He did mak' thot same lape."
"G'long, he didn't." -
"Ah, and he did thot."
"But I say ho didn't."
"And I say he did."
"No man cud Iver do thot thing. I'm
telling ye."
"Oh, but there was a mon as did do It,
and If ye'll bo alsy now, I'll tell ye his
name."
"Na matther about his name. There
was nlver the mon thot cud do It."
"But he did do It, and thot mon thot
did thot same was your uncle Tim, ye'ci
father's own brother."
Tho other old tad shrugged his shoulders
with an assenting gesture.
"My Uncle Tim, was it? Ah, well, to
be sure, ho molght." Lewlston Journal.
DIDST WORK.
She "Wasn't Impressed' a Bit by His
Practical Joke.
"I don't think P1I try any more prac
tical Jokes on m7 wife? They don't pan
out well."
"Elucidate."
"You see, we hoist the window In our
room every night. As I usually go to bed
last she depends on me to hoist It Some
times I forget it and then there's a wild
squabble. Frequently she wakes mo up
in the night and asks me to see If it is
open. If I don't she nags at me until
morning.
"A night or two ago I resolved to give
her a hard scare. I rolled up a lot of old
newspapers Into a long bundle and laid the
package down by the window. Of course,
she was asleep and didn't hear me. Then
I opened the windows a little ways and
crept Into bed. Some time after midnight
she nudged me and said:
" "Jim, Pm sure you didn't open that
window It's like a bake-oven in tho room.
Get up and see!'
"So I got up, went to the window and
threw the sash as high as It would go.
As I did so I gave a little shriek and then
flung my bundle down to the walk below.
It struck with a dull thud, and I dodged
behind the curtain to await developments.
The room was very dark and I couldn't
see my wife, but I heard her raise herself
to a sitting posture. Then she spoke. 'Poor
old Jim.' she quietly said, 'he's tumbled
out of the window in his raggedest night
shirt. What a spectacle he'll be when
they And him In the morning!' Then she
lay down again and went to sleep."
"What did you do?"
"Stood there shivering for a minute or
two. and then sneaked Into bed." Cleve
land Plain Dealer.
nn FORGOT THE CASDLBS.
Good Ground Grocer Explains Im
portance of Overslcht.
The Good Ground Grocer bad Just fin
ished filling Mrs. Squire's order.
"Have you got everythln' In th" bas
ket?" he asked of bis boy, Hiram.
Yep." said Hiram.
"Got the sal'ratus In?"
"Yep."
"Got the candlea? No: course you
ain't. I clean went and forgot 'em. Well,
well, well, ain't that strange," went on
the grocer, as he started for the count
er; "the Idee of a man In Good Ground
forgettln' candles. That's a good one on
REQUIREMENT.
of the requirements tht go to make a great
I me. I'll have t' tell that tcr E-'der Tuck
er when he comes down for his game of
I checkers. T forget candles of all things."
"What are candles that a Good Ground
Grocer shouldn't forget them?" asked the
City Man, who was waiting for a train.
I "What Is candles? Oh, my, my," said the
storekeeper. "Why. candles is stock In
trade for Good Ground folks. Candles Is
bread an butter. Candles gives some of
tho folks in this place their llvin. Can
dlea? Oh, well, well! An' ter think yer
never heard."
""What do you do with them? Eat
them?" asked the City Man.
"Eat 'em? No," replied the grocer; "we
catch rabbits with 'cm. Best scheme on
the South Side. One candle'll catch a
dozen rabbits. How? Why, easy. We cut
the candle Inter 12 piecesone piece tor
each rabbit. That's simple, ain't It? Rab
bits is superstitious. They runs away from
That they cant' understand. Suppose two
tellers In this here town go out after rab
bits. First, they come to me an buy a
couple of candles and a box of matches.
Then they go Inter the marshes an catch
a lot of live crabs. D yer toiler me?
Good.
"When they get the crabs an the can
dles, they're prepared for the- rabbits.
One of the fellers takes the rabbit net
and puts It over the hole, while his part
ner takes the crabs on' the candles oft
to the other end of the burrer. Then he
cuts an Inch Off of a candle an llghtln
the wick, drops some of the hot taller on
the crab's backhand sticks the lighted can
dle on top of It. Then he starts the crab
one his, way down the rabbit burrer, like
a miner with a lamp. It there's any rab
bits Inside, they see the light a'comln'
an' a-comln' an' gettln' scared, they cut
an' run. Where do they run. hey? To
ward the crab? Not much. Up to the
other end of the burrer an inter thn
net.
"Why, honest, last Fall, Peleg Squire
In one afternoon must have caught as
many as three score rabbits with quarter
of a pound of candles. The Idee of for
gettln' candles," chuckled the grocer,
"well, well."
If the reader is Inclined to disbelieve this
story he Is referred to any and all of the
Squires of Good Ground. Brooklyn Eagle.
ASXIOCS TO TLEASE,
Fair Treatment of Man Disappointed
In Infant Anaconda.
Ezra Stephens. Maine's P. T. Barunum,
at the door of his tent, addressing an
amazed multitude:
Plack, plack, plack!
Ills thick cano whacks the dust out of
the boards of his little table.
"Hay, yar-rr. Hay ya'r-rr! Good people.
PUT NOT YOUR FAITH IN OLD "SAWS.'
Fanner Wlntergreen They say If you
But they Us
one and all. Just hear this final call. Come
up. come up!
"Here under this mighty canvas you
will behold gathered all the great and
grand curiosities of this and other worlds
never visited by the foot of mortal man.
The mighty forests of the old, the new
and the middle-aged world have been ran
sacked for the wonders that are here un
folded to the sight of the fortunate people
of this town Let this opportunity pass
to see the mysteries of Mother Nature
and you will spend years of your life
shedding tears of regret that you allowed
this opportunity to pass. Safely confined
I have within tho only creature of its
kind In captivity a marvel, captured re
gardless of expense In the deepest, dark
est wilds of Africa. It is, gentlemen and
ladles, the only Infant anaconda in cap
tivity. Ten cents admits you, one and
all. only 10 cents "
Here a countryman comes out and pulls
Ezra fay the trousers legs. Ezra stands
on a platform.
Ezra leans over, still talking.
"Say, that's a gol-durncd fake," says the
countryman.
Ezra straightens up. "The gentleman
says that he Is perfectly satisfied," shouts
he. "That Is what we are here for to
please the people. Pay your money here
and pass within this great canvas."
"It's a fraud." repeats the countryman
In a louder voice. 'That Infant anaconda
ain't nothln' but a gosh-darned angleworm
In a bottle."
"What's the matter with that Infant
anaconda; ain't he big enough for yer
Ezra demands.
"Now. course he ain't."
"My dear man, go right Inside and wait
for him to grow. There will be no extra
charge. Come right up, people, every one's
money Is good at this door, and every
one Is treated like a queen and an em
peror. Ten cents admits to all to alll"
Plack. plack. plack! Lewlston Evening
Journal.
THAT SETTLED JOHS.
Asked Once Too Often for Increase
of Salary.
Mr. Lowensteln, a good-natured German,
owned a tailoring business In a country
town. Ho had in his employ one John,
whom he had advanced from office boy to
head cleric Since his promotion John
had several times asked for a raise In his
salary, and each time his request had been
granted.
One morning John again appeared at the
old merchant's desk, with another request
tor an increase of 10 shillings per month.
"Vy, Shon," said Mr. Lowensteln. "I dink
I bays you pooty veil alretty; vat for I
bay you any more?" "Well." replied John,
confidently, "I am your principal help
here. I know every detail of the business,
and. Indeed, I think you could not get
along without me." "Is dat so?" ex
claimed the German. "Shon, wot voud
I do suppose you vas to die?' "Well."
hesitated John. "I suppose you would
have to get along without me then."
The "old man" took several whiffs from
his big pipe1, and said nothing. At last
he remarked: "Veil Shon. I think you bet
ter consider yourself dead." London King.
EARSED HIS FEE.
Slick Lawyer Squares TJp Case of
Bank Embezzlement.
The cashier of an Eastern bank had
taken a Uttlo more money than belonged
to him. then a little more, and so on, until
he found himself $15,000 behind In his ac
counts. Ho worried about It greatly.
Finally he went to a clever lawyer and
told him the whole thing. The lawyer
paced up and down tho room for a few
minutes, and then said:
"You go back to the bank nnd say
nothing to any one about this. When the
bank closes tomorrow go Into, the vault
and take all the money yoQ can lay your
hands on. Bring It to me."
The man did so, and put 123,000 Into the
hands of the lawyer. That evening the
lawyer bad the directors of the bank Ic
his office.
"Gentlemen." he said. "I am sorry to
have to tell you that an employe of your
bank is behind In his accounts."
The directors were startled and uneasy.
"The friends of this man," went on the
lawyer, "have been trying to raise some
money among them. The amount of the
defalcation is J40.000. Now I think I can
promise you that his friends will offer you
20.000 if you will keep the matter a pro
found secret and allow him to go without
prosecution."
The directors consulted for a while, and
finally one of tbem voiced the opinion of
the board that It would be wiser to ac
cept the offer than to attempt an Investi
gation and get nothing of the money back.
So the cashier was let go and the lawyer
pocketed the $5000 as his fee. This story
is vouched for by a Detroit merchant,
who said, however, that he wouldn't ad
vise cashiers to rely on the efficacy of
such a -scheme In every Instance. Detroit
Free Press.
Kept Them AH Rlftht.
There Is a humorous side to the foreign
troubles in China. The chief engineers
of the railway that Is being built through
Shang-tung Province by the Germans
complained to a taotol or local governor
that the people pulled up and carried off
the stakes- thot his surveyors had driven
into the ground to guide the construction
gangs In grading the right-of-way, so
that he .had been compelled to do the
work over three or four times. The taotol
promised that the mischief should stop,
and said that he would give the matter
his personal attention.
The surveyors went over the Una again
and marked it out carefully with wooden
pegs. When they came back a few weeks
later they were disgusted to find that
every one of the markers for miles had
disappeared. The chief engineer In the
look an animal in the eye you kin cow him.
rf3QF
like biases!
heat of his wrath rushed to the taotol
to make complaint, and the latter, with a
smile that wasc htldllke and bland, at
tempted to soothe him, saying:
'The stakes arp all right, every one of
them. I had my men go out and take
them all up and keep them safely until
you returned, and I have got them, tied
up In bundles for you." Chicago Record.
Schoolboy English.
Even our education is "silvery" on the
under side. Y,ou go Into tho school and
are so pleased with the correct Intonation,
the precision of grammatical construction,
the exactness of statement in the lan
guage used by the pupils in their recita
tions. You compliment the pupils and you
praise the teachers, and your opinion of
our schools goes up to SO in the shade
Then as you walk down street after
school hours you hear two young gentle
men who are prize pupils conversing
across tho length of the block, loudly dis
cussing the examination through which
they had evidently passed triumphantly.
"Hello, Skln-nee!"
"Hey. BUI!"
"Watch yo glttln rithmotlc?"
"Elghty-sevenunnl dlddun texpecttogtt
morn forty. Jew passln grammar?"
"Betcher boots sldld; got ninety-three
annl ony made two mistakes in hlstry,
anni got a hundred din spell In all right."
"SodL George. Goodie failed in spellln."
"Yessannl nodewoodtoo; furry always
looked In the book. Cummout tatter sup
pern navsom fun!"
"Can't cossl gotto goto meetln with
mum-muther. See." B, J. Burdette la
Los Angeles Times.
The Seirapnper nab It.
The young man took a piece of paper
and a pencil from, his pocket and laid the
paper on his knee.
"I will have something Important to say
to you In a minute. Miss Jones," he said
Then he read over carefully what was
written on tho paper and crossed out a
word.
"Superfluous." he said, half to himself.
He went over It again and crossed out
another word.
"It's Just as strong without that," h-t
muttered. "We arc all too prone to use
adjectives and adverbs, anyway."
He picked up the paper and seemed
about to begin to read from It, but sud
denly stopped.
'That whole sentence might as well
corns out," ho said. 'The meaning is per
fectly clear without it. Conciseness Is
really tho crying need of the hour."
Then, turning to the girl, he said: "Be
mine."
Thus we see the power of habit. For
years his duty had bjon to edit the
"copy" of prolific correspondents. Chi
cago Post,
Could Have the "Whole Bosch.
"Good evening, Mr. Monyglrto," said tha
young man,
"Evening!" responded Mr. Manyglrls,
gruffly. A pile of papers, evidently bills
lay scattered In front of him. Hence his
gruffness. The young man Smiled.
"Bills for your seven daughters' Spring
clothes and bonnets, I presume?" said he.
"Yes." replied the old man, "But Is It
any of your business?"
"It Is. I have come to ask you If I may
not tako one of those daughters off your
hands. I" ,
The old man rose with a smile.
Take one?" he exclaimed. "Why, boy,
you can move to Utah and take the whole
seven."
The young man had caught him atithe
right time. New York World.
"A Releeglous Defflculty."
Sandy McPherson (who. In a moment of
abstraction, put half a crown In the col
lection plato last Sunday in mistake for a
penny, and has since expended a deal of
thought as to the best way of making up
for It) Noo, I might stay awa frae the
kirk till the sum was made up, but on
the Ither han' I wad be payin' pew rent
a' the time an' gettln' nae guld o' 't, Losh!
but I'm thlnkin' this Is what the meenlster
ca'a a "releeglous defflculty." Punch.
CW POETRY
One More Unfortunate.
On mors unfortunate.
Weary of life.
Spent as a boarder.
Ends tha whole strife.
Think of him tenderly.
Hi'd xxfach to bear.
And died as a martyr.
That I will swear.
He started out bravely.
Thinking to find
A house and a table
Just to his mind.
Home comforts proved phantoms.
Vain to pursue.
And boardlnr-house Tn.iT-
Satan's own crew.
Ha lived In some houses.
All very fine.
But, alack and alas!
How did he dine?
In his dreams he would have
Visions remote
Of the best of rood things
Passing his throat,
What really went down
Matters not here.
Self pity wrung from him
Many a tear!
Towels were luxuries
Precious indeed.
Doled out most sparingly
For the day's need.
Was bathing old-fashioned?
He Queried one day:
A snubbing, not towels.
Then came his way.
He moved very often.
But each new place
Only dressed up the old ghost
With a fresh face.
And oft would be added.
Just for a change.
A soloist screecher
With a wide range.
Was it wicked to end '
So many woes?
He was worn out fighting
Very real foes.
Ills nerves were a tingle.
Courage had fled;
The dark flowing river
Made him his bed.
No one to care for him.
He had become
Saddest of wanderers
Under the sun.
Oh. it was pitiful!
In a whole city full
Home he had none.
Philadelphia Inquirer.
The Day of Peace.
What of the day. my brother?
What of the day of peace?
When the dripping sword turns the green sward
And the dull, dread noises cease
The clarion call of bugles.
The shriek of the angry shell
What of the light that shall pierce the night
Of battle Is it well?
What of the dead, my brother?
What of the dead and dumb?
Who shall pay at the Judgment day
When the Messenger shall come.
Come In the light and glory.
Come In the fire and flame.
Whose the stain of the blood and pain.
My brother whole tha blame?
What of the grief, my brother.
What of the grief and woe?
What of the tears shed o'er these biers
These stricken hearts brought low?
Low In the day of terror.
Low In the night of gloom.
Whose the weight of this curse Qf Hate?
Whose the pain of Doom?
What of the blood, my brother?
'What of the blood that flows
In a crimson stream where tho lances gleam
And the bugle blows and blows?
Whose the souls that shudder.
Shudder and start and cry.
When the battles cost by God engrossed
In blood on the brazen sky?
Hasten the day. mr brother.
Hasten the 3ay of peace,'
When men not slain for greed of gain
And the dull, dread noises cease!
When shell shall shriek no longer.
When Hatred slink away.
The breath of God the bloodstained sod
Make clean and Peace shall stay I
Bismarck Tribune.
The Men Behind the Bars.
The regular edition of the Star of Hope, a
paper published In Sing Sing Prison, is 4300
copies. Here is one of the poems in the last
number, written by a convict at Auburn:
You may warble at your pleasure
Of the men behind the guns.
And we would not stint the measure
To Columbia's gallant sons;
But while yoa rear grand arches
And bedeck triumphal cars
We'll sing the lock-step marches
Of the men behind the bars.
"Stone walls do not a prison make.
Nor Iron bars a cage."
But they come all-Bred near It
In this .comprehensive age;
If you'd learn the truth about It,
Lie awake and read the stars;
Then. If still Inclined to doubt It,
Ask the men behind the bars.
For here are diamonds in the rough.
With hearts as fine as gold.
By tha woVld hammered hard and tough
And Into bondage sold;
Some who bore the flashing saber
With our noble sons of Mars.
Are now condemned to labor
With the men behind the bars.
We're a striped band of brothers
In this moral atmosphere.
But remember "there are others"
Who may yet And quarters here;
Some, high stations are filling
Smoking Henry Clay cigars.
When they ought to be here drilling
With the men behind the bars.
The Alarm Clock.
I bought a clock not long ago.
To give me timely warning
That I must rise In time to go
To business In the morning.
Yet now I loathe Its pallid face.
Set round with Inky numbers.
And hate the gong upon Its case.
That shatters my sweet slumbers.
A rounded horror, nlckled bright!
I'd sooner take a licking
Than waken In the. dead of night
And hear the thing a-tlcklng.
Now hushed to a low, scarce-heard beat.
Kow loud as drums in battle;
Now deathly slow and then so fleet
It makes the whole case rattle.
I wrap It In a coverlet
And In my closet stow It;
Then try my best to sleep and yet
It's ticking, and I know It.
Worn out at length, my eyelids close;
Then, with a sudden clanging.
And Jlnjle-Jangle. off It goes.
A-gurgllng and a-whanglng.
Chicago Record.
Sprlnfrtlxne.
Just a little every day.
That's the way!
Seeds In darkness swell and grow.
Tiny blades push through the snow.
Nerer any flower of May
Leaps to blossom In a burst;
Slowly slowly, at the first.
That's the way I
Just a little every day.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox.
Snsan Obeyed.
"That fellow Fhlpps comes here too much,"
Said Susan's father, grim:
"We'll have to put a stop to that
You must alt down on nlm."
Now, Sue Is an obedient girl.
Respects parental powers:
8.J. when young Phlpps came around that night.
She sat en him two hours.
McCall's Magazine.
v3
To the Ghost of an Easter Halt.
Ob. you dim. shadowy dream, ones beautiful!
Yon echo from the passing century
When yoa were the one bright thing, the Joy,
the hope
That Springtime brought to womenklnd!
When we talked about you.
Coaxed, cried, pleaded, yes wheedled for ye
Through dreary Lenten days
That with the Easter dawn you might perch
proudly.
Like a coronet, upon our several brows.
As Into church wo stalked, eonsclous of what?
The year's awakening? The dawn within our
souls?
The fragrant clustering bloom of Spring about
the chancel?
No not a bit! We thought of you of yoa
The Easter Hat a thing of lace and straw.
Perchance a blrdlet stuffed; that might hare
voiced Its praise
On woodland bough; xxw skewered to oar
heads.
Ah! Easter Hat now If s your turn at being
dead!
You poor old ghost that once we thought
Too sweet for anything! Now a tradition
Numbered back In other times
When women had two hats a year and yof
the One!
Methlnks. I see you on this Easter Day
Scurrying from basement doors as though yoa
felt the change
The knock-out blow that time has dealt you!
No more you set like to a diadem on regal
head.
But cast aslant the ebon brow of her we know
Who Juggles with tha kitchen range and pass's
merry Jest
With him who brings the Ice. the milk and
eke the rolls.
Ah! Easter Hat no eyes so dim but it can
view your climax!
Not again the Bard of Spring will sing you,
and no mora
The funny man will write
Of how you make men's pockctbooks grow Cat,
As though they had been stepped on.
For you the vault, the shelf, cold storage,
Ever thing that means oblivion!
For She this Easter's Girl the Goddess of
Today,
The latest greatest girl of all. has bats to
conflagrate.
And all days look alike to berT. With every
gown
She buys another hat each week or so!
And papa's heart Is reached with gentle touch
That he may well fear cardiac failure!
Tha modern maid dissects the Easter morn
ing from her hat.
And lets her soul soar skywand In a maze of
Springtime melody
That makes the very angels envious of so
much sweetness.
Fare you well. Old Ghost. Get back Into the
Long gone, when the girls didn't seem to
know
That then, were others where you came from.
Beverse yourself Into the mist, the twilight
Of those vanished years, and stay there.
Ghost
By! By!
Kate Masterson In New York Sun.
In the Middle of the Road.
Oh, the sleddln's glttln' ragged and It's dodga
and skip and skive.
Till It's Jest an aggervatlon for to-try to start
and drive.
Fust to this side, then to t'other here some loa.
and there some snow.
Just continyal gee and holler; fust "Gld-dap."
and then It's "Whoa."
Takes a half a day to gtt there, round by way
o' Robbln Hood
Like as not ye'll bust your rtssln' haulm" out
your hay an' ood:
'Taln't no way o' doln' bus'ness; t ain't no way
to haul a load.
You must do your hefty haulln In the mlddla
of the road.
If ye want to keep a-holn'
Better wait for settled goln.
For twlco the heft goes easy In the middle of
the road.
Oh, In dealln's with your neighbors, brother,
sure's you are alive.
It's better to go straight ahead and never skip
and skle.
For the man who keeps a dodgln" back and
forth across the way
Like enough will find bis outfit In the gutter
stuck to stay.
Till the road Is clear and settled, till with
candor In your heart
You can see your way before you, guess j
hadn't better start;
For to git there square and easy, and to lug
your honest load.
You'll And It's best to travel In the middle of
the road.
Sos to make an honest showln'
Better wait for settled goln.
Then. sir. hustle brisk and study In the middls
of the road.
Lewlston Evening Journal,
English an She's Pronounced.
The wind was rough.
And cold and blough.
She kept her bands within her-mough.
It chlll'd her through.
Her nose grew blough.
And still the squall the faster flouza.
And yet although
There was nough snough.
The weather was a cruel tough.
It made her cougli
Pray do not soough! -
She cough'd until her hat rilew ough.
Ah. you may laugh.
You silly-caught
I'd like to beat you with my stanch.
Her hat she caught.
And saught and taught.
To put It on and tie It taught.
Try as she might
To flx It tight, i
Again it flew oft like a klght.
Away up high.
Into the sklgh.
Tho poor girl sat her down to crlgb.
She cried till eight
P. M.. so lctght!
Then borne she went at a grelght rctght.
Tlt-Blts.
i
Love's Labor Lost.
She went three years to boarding' school
Away down East somewhere:
She was the only daughter of
A proud old millionaire;
It cost three thousand dollars par.
But daddy, being fond of her.
Put up and didn't care. , -
She studied music In Berlin
And also In Paree,
And pa was fond of boasting of
The artist she would be:
She spent three years abroad, and thea.
One day. came sailing home. again
To grace socletec.
Pa bought a grand piano: oh
How she could play the thing!
It seemed as easy as you please
For her to break a string
Ah. yes. It was a treat to sit
And hear her rip things out of ttr '
Moreover, she could sing!
She fell in love, as maidens will.
And what did daddy say?
He stormed around outrageously.
Wherefore she ran away!
Her hubby gets ten dollars per
And might afford to buy for her
A Jew's-harp she could play.
S. E. Klser in Tlmes-HeraW.
San Franclnco.
The cable cars swing up the hltl.
The cable cars swing down.
And with them swing the flaring lights
Of San Francisco town.
The great gray city by tho sea.
Safe post for ships to win.
With sunlight on Its windy hills,.
And sea fog drifting in.
Around It laps the shining bay
Where far-called steamers wait.
And frowning high-walled warships stand
To guard the Golden Gate.
To north and south the coastwise hills
Mako bulwarks from the deep.
And upward from the winding bay
The great Twin valleys sweep.
Fair, stately homes crown all her hills.
And vibrant wires lead down
Where flows the tireless tide of trade
In San Francisco town.
Mary Austin In Youth's Companion.
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