SUNDAY OBEGONIAN, PORTLAND, 'APRIL 1, 1900.
28
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The Circuit-Rider's "Wife.
he traveled through this vale of tears
Tat the and thirty lone; long yearn
ben meekly yielded up her lite.
For ite was a circuit-riders wife.
Chicago TriDune.
OVCRLOOKCD THE CLEnGY.
mid be Protected Asrnlnst Buying
llendy-Made Sermom.
hat bill which a clergyman intro-
-cd Into our state Senate as a check
the crowing Industry which provides
aents -with ready-made orations and
ays and compositions is attracting
ae unpleasant attention In the .tast.
lere they dont unaersiana us. j.
lie bill Is all right as far as It goes,
It Isn't elastic enougn. ino cerg-
In meant wen. no muutui u "-
service for literary aspirants, uuu
ange to say. he blindly overlooked the
rrr No doubt some of them need pro-
Itlon from these bureau cormorants and
Ira these syndicated sharks. Think of
temptation it Is for an enervatea par-
to step into one 01 tneso Bimu-rair
sermon shops ana say:
What have you In about zo-mmute
gtbs?"
Ornate 7"
No, Just simple and soothing.
Lemme see. We got in a fresh lot of
;orted harangues yesterday. Jimmie,
ad me the proofs of that matter on mo
hook. Tou want it conservatively or-
bdox?"
lies; mildly progressive."
h know. Here, how's this? Hold on.
kt's a 30-minute talk. Ten you wnui
do. I'll saw out this long paragrapa
on 'the duty of the state' ana croait
with the weight."
hft welchtT
res. "We sell 'em all by the weight of
metal. There, that's U pounds and
ounces. Two - dollars - seventy - inhe
rits, please. Bo many parsons like to
Ike off the printed slips to distribute
pong thlr hearers that we And the met-
plan the best one."
tout isn't that a little high?"
rJCot far that grade. We've got some
It-boilers here, regular insomnia chas-
that I could let you have for hair
money. But they ain't what you
knt You've been fishing a pretty good
llcle out of the bar"l. I've no doubt, and
rd be too much of a come-down. Of
arse, you understand that this is not
be released until March 1L and that
lly one sermon bearing this number is
be preached In what we call a the-
Jjglcal section."
"Very well. Wrap It up, plene."
Thank you. Tour address on this card.
e will send It tip by our 1 o clock de-
ery. Anything else?"
Td like a little talk on the duty of the
ur, or pome kindred subject, for our
1day evening gathering."
I 'Certainly. Take this catalogue home
th you and look It over. There are
Duties of the Hour there, you will
Itlce. Good day. Call again." Cieve-
ad Plain Dealer.
BLEW OFF AXD SETTLED.
Ix-
Ipsy Pnasennrrr Accidentally
cafe on "Western Farm.
fThe wind blew a passenger off my
lain when I was railroading in the West-
country." said a conductor now on an
Unols run.
fBut I didn't know It until thrco years
ter the occurrence," he continued. "He
las ticketed for Southern California, and
veral times during the day he asked
le questions. Boon after his last ques-
lon I missed him from his seat. Later
the day he wa still missing, but his
rercoat was on the back of the peat.
"I asked other passengers if they had
en him leave the car. No one remem-
lt I searched the train, but failed
find him. I then took his coat, and
brneU It In. making a report on the case.
he company held it for some time, and
Ihen no inquiry was made, the company
overused the coat In the hope that the
kystery- might be solved. There was no
aponse. This only spurred the company
renew its search, and I know that sev-
hundred dollars were spent in an ef-
brt to find the owner of the coat. Tou
railroad companies have souls. In
bite of an opinion held by some to the
ontrary.
And now here Is one for the country
itor. Such a one heard of the Incident
Ind printed it in his paper. Curiously
nough. one of his subscribers, who read
tie story, was the man who lost the coat.
ad he presented himself at the company s
Ifflce, proved his property and got It.
"His story was that he Imbibed pretty
ely. and stepped out on the platform to
Iet fresh air. The wind was blowing a
ale. and before he could get a purchase.
swept him from the car. As he was
trunk the fall did not hurt him. I do not
ay this, however, as favoring too free In
dulgence in liquor.
"When he sobered up he felt ashamed.
ad stopped In a. farmhouse near by. where
le found a bargain In farm land, and pur-
phased. -He canceled his far Western
1p and settled on his newly acquired
lurcbase. This was his story. I have
old mine." Chicago Tribune.
I FEARS FEATHERS WILL GROW.
adlana Colored Sinn Dreads nesults
From Efnr-Fllm GrnftlnK.
I Eighteen months ago Scott Smyth, col
rcd, was horribly burned by the bursting
f a coal oil lamp, at Indianapolis, Ind.
led medical attention by many physi
cians failed of relief, and, as a last re
tort. It was recently decided to try the
aftlng process with the skins of f reshly-
Jd eggs.
After the portions had been cleansed
vlth antiseptic lotion, the eggs were care-
illy broken; the yolk and albumen were
aptled out. and then the. filmy skin was
nken out and placed over the Injured
portions. Examination today disclosed
that the fine capillaries of the blood had
ozne out of the wounds and into the s!dn,J After the manner of
and that, to all Intents and purposes, the
skin of the egg was now a part of Smyth's
body, susceptible to heat and cold to touch.
The blood circulated through the new skin
as It did through the old. but the new skin
retains Its original velvety whiteness, and
It may be that the pigment which colors
a negro's skin will not enter the new
tissue.
Smyth Is much alarmed over the situa
tion, -fearing that feathers will appear
where the new skin has formed, and he is
constantly watching the progress of the
affected parts with the aid of a hand
glass, looking for feathery sprouts.-Cin-dnnatl
Inquirer.
LOOKED GREEX, BUT WASXT.
Kentucky aiountnlneer FooU Whis
ky Connoisseurs.
That reminds me of a very singular
Incident" said a New Orleans ciuDman,
who had listened to a story. "It lllus
trates how little reliance Is to be placed
in connoisseurshlp in matters touching
the palate.
"About a dozen years ago a very green
looking mountaineer from the Manchester
region turned up one day in Louisville
with a barrel of whisky. The barrel was
home-made, bound with hoops evidently
hammered out In a farm forge, and the
date, iKl,' was scrawled on the top with
a hot poker. According to the moun
taineer he had found it under the floor of
a cabin once occupied by his uncle, who
wag a noted moonshiner. Before tho
chap had been In town an hour news of
the discovery flew around and ho was be
sieged by wou'.d-be purchasers. His ap
parent stupidity, the artless fashion In
which he told bis tale, and tho unques
tionable antiquity of the barrel Itself all
disarmed suspicion, and there was so much
eagerness to acquire the prize that nobody
thought of investigating. The only doubt
expressed was as to .the condition of the
liquor, a gosd many holding that It must
have 'gone back' and spoiled In such a
lapse of time. That was settled In the
storeroom of a certain fashionable club,
where the bung was removed with rever
ent care and a little of the precious fluid
was taken out in a siphon. It was pro
nounced superb by all the experts present,
and the mountaineer was given W0 for the
barrel, which was about 16 a gallon, and
considered a great barjraln.
"For a year or so that '61 whisky was a
star attraction at the club; then an envi
ous rival mado a quiet investigation and
unearthed a funny story. As it turned
out. the only thing genuine in the affair
was the barrel, which the guileless moun
taineer has really discovered under a floor,
in the manner described. It was entirely
empty when found, and he proceeded to fill
It up with some mellow or 6-year-old
stuff which he secured In tho neighbor
hood. The whisky was really good for
the kind, but It la amazing that It could
have masqueraded as an ante-bellum
plant, and fooled some of the best Judges
In the country. The club people were "bit
terly mortified over the episode." New
Orleans Times-Democrat.
SOT CRAWFISHj LOBSTERS.
She Woin't Accustomed to the De
licious Crustacean.
"I witnessed a most remarkable incident
today," said a "horsy" looking man to a
friend on the corner of Main and Madison
streets.
"What was it?" inquired the friend.
"Why, I was taking dinner at one of
tho swell restaurants uptown when a
stylishly dressed oung woman came In
arid took a seat at the table opposite me.
I noticed that she bore herself with an.alr
that was not one of ease; seeming to be
a person who was not used to as much as
her attire signified. At a second glance it
was easy to see that she was evidently a
person whose family had lately come into
the possers!on of money, and when she
cave her order to the waiter I was satis
fled I had made a correct surmise.
" "What's yo" order, ma'am?" asked tbo
waiter.
" Tou may bring me a dozen lobsters,
she answered.
"A puzzled look camo over v tho waiter's
face.
" 'Did you say lobsters, ma'am?
" Tcs. I said lobsters.'
" 'A dozen?"
" Why, certainly! with on Injured air.
How daro you ask such an Impertinent
question!
" "It wuz such a 'stravagant awduh,
ma'am.' the waiter replied; 'but I'll git
em right away.'
"In a short while four waiters came sol
emly stalking In, all bearing a tray of lob
sters. which they deposited in front of
the young woman without the sign of a
smile. When she realized the blunder she
had made she hastily rose and fled from
the place." Memphis Scimitar.
MUST HAVE I1EEX ItOBBED.
Or Maybe It Was Dne to Uer Way
of Keeping Books.
She decided that the only way to run a
house economically was to keep a set of
books, so she made all necessary pur
chases. Including a bottle of red ink, and
started In.
It was a month later when her husband
asked her how she was getting, along.
"Splendidly," she replied.
The system Is a success, then?"
"Yes, Indeed. Why, I'm $00 ahead already."
"Sixty dollars!" he exclaimed. "Heavens:
Tou'U be rich before long. Have you
started a bank account?"
"No-o; not yet."
"What have you done with the money7"
"Oh. I haven't got the money, you
know. That's only what the books show.
But Just think of being $50 aheadl"
"Urn, yes. But I don't exactly eee
"And all In one month, tool"
"Of course; but the money? What has
become of that?'
"I don't exactly know," she said, doubt
fully. "I've been thinking of that, and I
think wo must have been robbed. Whai
do you think we bad better do about it?"
Ho puffed his pipe In solemn silence for
a moment, and then suggested:
"Wo might atop keeping books. That's
easier than complaining to the police."
"Woman's Home Companion.
peered curiously through the envelope, f
when she recognized the address. Instead
of opening It at once. "It's Cousin
Maria's writing. And I do believe there
are three cards; two big ones and a little
one. Do you suppoto It's possible that
they
Here she desisted from hypotheses and
opened the envelope. Inside were three
cards, without doubt two large ones and
one very tiny one. The large ones were
the regular visiting cards of Mr. and Mrs.
Joslah QuIUaby Jones. The tiny card was
attached by a little bow of pink ribbon.
In big and boldly-Inked characters it bore
this brief Inscription: "Nit." New Tork
Sun.
TOO MTCH FOR HIM.
Couldn't Stand "Uncle Tom's Cabin"
Fire limes Rnnnlns;,
"I was out at the front of an TJ. T. C
combine." related my Irlend, the ex.
theatrical man. U. T. C stands for "Un
cle Tom's Cabin. "We were playing the
Jay places. 'Nother fellow and I kept
pretty well ahead posting bills, occa- I
"-'-.i! "' ! 'arlTthUblng.
GAL.L1FFET AXD niS FISH.
Carp From .Napoleon Ill's Preserve
Hakes Heap of Trouble.
In the etats de service of General Gal
liffet, the present War Minister of France,
there Is a curious note which should en
dear him to the hearts of all fishermen.
After paying a just tribute to his abilities,
the note reads:
"But unfortunately, he selects extraordi
nary companions."
Thereoy hangs a fish story. Long ago,
in the days of the Second Empire. Gal
llffet was the aide-de-camp of Napoleon
IIX At St. Cloud his quarters were Just
over the Imperial bedroom. Everything
around him was very grand and very
gloomy. The window 'of his room looked
upon the pond that washed the walls of
the chateau. The water was clear, and
the surrounding scenery was beautiful;
but tho young Lieutenant felt like a pris
oner. Early one morning while seated at
his window, trying to drive away the blues
with a cigar, he espied below In the crystal
water an enormous carp. The instinct
of the angler, strong in Galllffet, made
the young man's eyes snap and set bis
company, when some one or xne latent
went off on a spree.
"One cold day we were posting bills on
a long board, right where the rake of tha
wind caught us. We were hurrying. But,
cold as It was there, an old man, leaning
on his cane, was boring dark brown holes
in the snow with tobacco Juice, and watch
ing us.
"At the top of our bills we hung the
banner streamer a long strip of paper,
with the words:
" 'Googor's Grand Consolidated Band.'
That went above all, and we put It on
tho board first- When It was on, the old
man spelled It out slowly.
" 'Wal. thar. fellers.' said he. Tm
darned ef I ain't glad to see one show
come to town that ain't one of them
blamed "Unclo Tom's Cabin" things.
We've had "Uncle Tom's Cabin" here in
this place for the last four shows, and
we're getting blame sick of that play,
now I tell ye. Have to go to 'em, 'cause
wo have to have a leetlo fun durin' the
Winter but It does seem as though these
play actors might git up suthln' else. So
I'm glad to see that your crowd has got
spunk
"While the old man had been talking,
we were hustling. The next strip was
one piece. We put It on by sticking one
end and throwing It right across the
board. It unrolled as It went, and these
were the words It bore:
" 'And Uncle Tom's Cabin Company.'
The old man gazed on It with his Jaw
dropping.
"Wall. Til be Jiggered to Jlggerty.'
said he. and he stumped away through
the snow like a rotary plow." Lowlston
Journal.
The big fish was the private property of
the Emperor. Consequently, for Galllffet
It was forbidden fish. But It was such a
fine fellow! The resistance of the sol
dier's conscience was useless. It surren
dered unconditionally. The remaining part I
of the campaign against the carp was sim
ple enough. Galllffet went to his trunk.
brought out his trusty line, to which he
fastened a hook and an artificial bait.
"With his accustomed skill he cast the
Vne. The carp was hooked and hauled In
through the window.
Here the Lieutenant's fun ended, and
his trouble began. The fish landed upon
a table, overturned a large globe filled
with water, and carromed from that to
a magnificent vase, which It also upset
and smashed to pieces upon the floor.
Then It began to execute a genuine pas de
carpe among the smithereens.
fonnancet Endless chain! By the time
they have cleaned the walks It 1 time to
clean them again. See here," to his wife,
"do you take me for the board of works?
Are you under the delusion that I must
dissipate my fortune In' paying snow
ehovelers? Where did you round up such
a gang? Did It suggest itself to you that
If It kept on snowing long enough and
this force remained with us, you. would
drive us Into bankruptcy? Who's the
big chap on the next walk? There's a
worker for you. Regular snowplow."
That's our new neighbor. He cleans
his own walks, but he's young and
strong."
"Meaning that I'm superannuated and
on the retired list. Well. I guess not.
Here, pay off your snow brigade and tell
them to disperse quietly. When the snow
let's up I'll da the cleaning."
(He went at It as though he were shut In
and working to escape suffocation. There
were never less than two shovelfuls of
enow in the air at the same time. Grad
ually he reduced the pace till two feet
ahead looked like a mile and snow seemed
heavier than lead. He Is now swathed In
bandages, and the pungent odors of all
kinds of liniments pervade, the block. He
vows that it Is all the result of his wife's
extravagance and stands without the dan
ger lines when she tells him that there is
no fool like an old fool when he tries to
get skittish. Detroit Free Press.
lng the Englishwoman was describing- the
day to some American friends. Of course
they wanted to know how she liked tha
American dishes. The oysters, she Bald,
were very nice, indeed.
"I enjoyed everything," she said, "but I
was disappointed because there was no
terrapin. I have heard so much of your
American terrapin, and I rially wanted to
try It I think I ate a little of every
thing they brought on, except one thing.
It was something danc and fat-looking,
served In a small dish. It looked rather
dreadful, so I didn't try It I was wait,
lng for the terrapin; but there was none."
"Why," said one of the American
friends, "that dark, fat-looking stuff was
terrapin."
The Englishwoman looked very much
disappointed.
"Really?" she said. "Was It really?
Was that terrapin? I'm so sorry I didn't
try It I fancied they'd bring It on whole,
roasted, like goose." Washington Post
OXB OX THE GEXEHAL.
Volunteers Did Xot Have to Walt
for BrldRe Plans.
Buller's experience in crossing the Tuge
la River by fording It and pontoontng It
recalls a few Incidents happening during
the Civil War. Tho Northern armies were
made up of men belonging to all trades
and professions, and when a bridge was
! destroyed by the Confederates, It was an
easy matter to find brtdgebullders to re
build It
. The Brigade General in command of a
A.'CL Z1 ." " "L"rL .J .. I brlcade of regulars onco came to a stream
et iKKS -d was forced to P-the bridge
federates. He sent for the Colonel of a
Pennsylvania regiment of volunteers and
said:
I have ordered my engineers to draw
GETS
Ills Testimonial.
"How do you like your now typewriter?"
inquired the agent
"Ifs grand." was the immediate reply.
"I wonder how I ever got along without
If'
"Well, would you mind giving me a lit
tlo testimonial to that effect?"
"Certainly not! Do it gladly." So ho
rolled up his sleeves, and In an Incredibly
short time pounded out this:
"After Using the amtomatlng Backac
tlon a type writ er for thre emonth an d
Over. I unhesslttattlngly pronounce It
pronoce It to be al even more than tho
Manufacture Claim? for It During tho
time been In possession e L th ree month
zl id has more than paid for itself In the
saving of It an dlabor. John GIbbs."
"There you are, sir."
"Thanks," said the agent and most
quickly he went away. The Columbian.
through the celling, was astonished. He
rushed upstairs to find out what was the
matter. Galllffet heard him coming and
endeavored to grab the carp and throw It
out of the window and thus destroy the
evidence of his poaching in the imperial
pond. But the slippery thing was hard to
hold; so he tossed It Into the bed and
covered It up with the bedclothes. "When
tho Emperor entered the room he noticed
immediately the quivering bedclothes. He
pulled them down and uncovered the
floundering fish. His Majesty's face as
sumed an almost Jimjamlc expression,
which gradually faded Into a faint smile
He took In the entire situation, saluted
and Heft the future War Minister to medi
tate upon the mysteries of a fisherman's
luck. New Tork Sun.
XOXD LIKE AX OLD FOOL.
Snow L'paets the Equilibrium of a
Detroit Household.
They bad their packing done and their
boat engaged for the Bermudas, but the
trip had been deferred for two weeks.
The last day of February will long be
remembered because of the big storm.
This resident, whose chief business is
to collect money from various sources
at home and was about as complacent !
under the confinement as a newly caged
hyena. It finally struck him that there
was an unusual number of men and boys
working about the premises, and he in
vestigated. Having gained Information, he began
to deliver himself.
"Fine state of affairs! Continual per-
plans for a new bridge. Have you any
men In your regiment who can build
bridges?"
"I think so," replied the Pennsylvanlan.
"I'll see,"
Two hours later the Pennsylvanlan re
turned and said:
"I found a lot of bridge builders tn my
regiment Fir."
"Well, send them over with orders to re
port to me. I will put them under the
orders of my engineers and they can re
build the bridge."
"Very well, sir," replied the Pennsylva
nlan. "I'll have to send across the river
for them. They rebuilt the bridge last
night and are now in camp with my regi
ment on the other side." Omaha World
Herald.
HER FinST TEnRAPIX.
It Failed to Speak n It Passed
Her lly.
Earlier In the year an Engl'ah lady came
to make a visit to the capital. On her
way across the water she met a number of
Washingtonlans. A certain Senator was
among them, arid knowing'that It was the
Englishwoman's first visit to America, he
begged to be allowed to show the capltol
to her when she should come to Wash
ington. When she came he invited sev
eral persons to meet her at a luncheon
In the Senate restaurant It was an" en
tirely American menu. That same even
BACK AT HIM.
Serves Him With a Dose of His Own
Bitter Medicine.
"Ah. yes, yes!" pleaded the young ed
itor of tha Tombstone Magazine, as he
knelt at the feet of the beautiful heir
ess, Bromo Moneyton. "Do not so cru
elly kill the hopes that I have cherished
that you would one day be mlnet"
The exquisite girl moved slightly away
so that she could get a good view of his
attitude. She looked coldly, pityingly.
almost mockingly, ot him. Then she spoke
In calm, measured tones:
"I regret" sho said, "'that after a care
ful examination, I find that you do not
fulfill all the requisites for acceptance.
In short, you won't do."
A cold chill seemed to strike and clutch
his heart In an ley grip. Her words
sounded strangely familiar.
"I wish, however," she went on, "to
thank you for so kindly submitting your
self, and at the same time to remind you
that the refusal does not necessarily Im
ply a lack of merit"
"Be merciful, Bromo!" he moaned. He
recognized in what she said the regular
rejection form of the Tombstone.
"In Judging the acceptability of a hus
band." she continued, "many questions
of individual plan and policy must be
considered. It frequently happens that
a man unsulted to the tastes and inclina
tions of one girl may come within the
scopu of some other. A more careful
study of my peculiarities would have In
formed you more thoroughly of the gen
eral character of offers desired. I wish,
hovever, to thank you for the privilege
of considering you, and will promise you
a prompt decision on the value of all fu
ture "
'"Enough! Enough! Bromo." ho gasped,
groveling on the rug. "'What Is your
nom de plume?"
She glared mercilessly Into his eyes,
then drew herself to within an Inch of her
full height
"Roxlne Radiator, tho poetess, whose
verses you have been steadily refusing for
tho last year and a half!" she hissed in
his ear. .as she swept from tho room.
Kate Masterson In Life.
33$$:8
POEMS WORTH READING
"XIT!"
Announcing the Smith Baby's Arrival
Response of Joneses.
When the first born arrived In the house
of Smith, of Brooklyn, the proud grand
mother went out and had some small
cards engraved with the name of the In
fant after the fashion of the day. Next
she rounded up all the cards of Smith
and Mrs. Smith and. having purchased
many yards of pink ribbon, proceeded to
make up little triple-card packets to send
by mail to all the relatives, by way of
notification. First came the cards of the
parent Smiths, to which was tied with a
bow of the pink ribbon the very tiny card
of Miss Smith.
Among others to whom this form of no
tification was sent were the Joslah Q.
Joneses, cousins. Mr. and Mrs. Jones
have been married many years, and have
no children. In the course of time ar
rived the acknowledgments of the Jones
cousins by mall.
"Why, they've sent cards," cried Mrs.
Smith, in great excitement when the
epistle was handed In by the postman.
womankind, she
Old Datruerrotypes.
Up in the attic I found them, locked in the
cedar cheat.
Where the flowered gowna lie folded, which
once were brave an the bejt:
And. like the queer old Jackets and the walit-
coata ray with atrlpea.
They tell of a wom-out fashion theae old da-
guerrotypea.
Quaint little foldlcr cases, ftstened with tiny
hook.
Seemingly made to tempt one to lift up the
latch and look:
Linings of purple and velvet odd little frames
Of gold.
Circling the faded faces brought from the daya
of old.
Orandpa. and grandma, taken rrer so long ago.
Grandma's bonnet a marvel, grandpa's collar a
Htnr:
Mother, a tiny toddler, with rings on her baby
Painted leat none ahould notice In glittering
gilded bands.
Aunts and uncles and coualns, a atarcby and
stiff array.
Lovers and brides, then blooming, but now ao
wrinkled and gray.
Out through the znlaty glauea they gaie at me.
sitting here
Opening the quaint old casea with a itnlle that
la bait a tear.
I will smile no more, little pictures, for heart
leu It waa. In truth.
To drag to tbo cruel daylight these ghosts of a
vanished youth.
Go back to your cedar chamber, your gowns
and your lavender.
And dream, "mid their bygone graces, of the
wonderful days that were.
Saturday Evening Poit
Out In One Innlncf.
Ho waa rather fond of pcalng. In bis colics
cat and sown:
In several unlveraltlea he'd won auperb renown;
He bad out one book oa physics and one on
home economy.
And a treatise on the bronchial tubes, another
on astronomy.
He'd theories on everything, from earthquakes
to biology.
He'd talk with you on placer mines, or lacs
work or pbllology:
He could write on Chrlitlan Science, or on
fsinee cr on hlatory.
For to him the world of learning held not a
single mjotery.
But be met a girl from Louisville, who'd never
been to college.
Nor even gone to boarding school to win a Mora
of knowledge;
But Bhs gave him Juat one little look that
bowled him out completely.
And then she calmly tripped away, a-imlllng
very sweetly.
Ah. for that man o theory. It was a sad un
doing; He wanders round dejectedly. Miss Louisville
pursuing.
Tla not becauee aho turns him down if hear
ing ts believing
But he baa no rule to fit th caae, and that la
why he's grieving.
Chicago Becord.
Only n Burnished Hair.
He was going home at night
And he eat
Down bald a lady no
Harm In that!
She was rather young and fair.
With a wealth of burnished hair
That was colled In careless masses round her
bead.
Others may have been entranced.
Others may have slyly glanced,. .
But he merely tock hit paper out and read.
They were closely huddled up
In the car;
There were sudden swerves; with now and
Then ajar;
Heads were swayed this way and that.
And sometimes the one who sat
There beside him, as they aped upon their
way.
Brushed hl shoulder with her hair.
But he didn't know or care
He waa reading what bad happened through
tbe day!
There waa one who sat at heme.
And be kneif
She would meet him at the door
Happy two!
What were other women's charms
"While ahe stood with waiting arroa?-
Ah, he loved each raven treaa upon her head!
With a true heart and serene
He rushed tn where ah waa queen
Bat the happlnem they bad, alas!. Is dead!
Oh. be told her all the truth.
And he swore
On tbe Bible, but the fumed.
And she tore!
She bad found a burnllhed hair
Resting on nia ihoulder ere
He had stepped across the threshold, and to
day He can neither aay nor do
Aught to make her think him true
Shun tbe women and tbe cars that Jolt and
away.
S. . Klser tn Chicago Times-Herald.
Type-Sticking;.
All alght tbe aky waa draped In darkness thick.
Out from tbe clouds Impriaoned lightnings
swept
Into th printer's stick
With energetic click.
The ranks of type Into battalion crept
Which formed brigades while dreaming labor
slept:
And ere dawn's crimson pennons were unfurled
The night-formed columns charged the waking
world.
-E. F.Ware "IrooqulU") In Topeka Capital.
The Call of the Drum.
All faint and far away I hear
The calling of the drum.
Ita rhythmlo thrumming, drawing near.
Is ever pleading: "Come!"
Tbe colors are waving
My heart throbs with craving
As nearer
And clearer.
And louder.
And prouder
Its melody grona, as tbe sound comes and goes.
"Come! Come!"
Is tbe call of tbe drum.
Now brave and grand, and near at band
I bear the calling drum.
The flag, by gallant breei fanned,
la beckoning: ""Oh. come!
We'll rush to the clamor
Of strife, with Its glamour."
And swelling.
And telling
Tbe story
Of glery
The drum tings In glee as it pastes by me.
"Come! Comet"
la tbe aonr ot the drum.
Still faint and far away I near
The ever-calling drum.
Now tinging law, now ringing clean,
In its Insistent "Come."
With tones sweet and hollow
It lares me to follow.
Faraway
Through th day
It calls me
Enthralls me
Th lilt of lta beating my heart Is repeating.
Come! Come!"
Is tbe call of the drum.
JcshTVlnk.la Baltimore American.
"Don't Git Xo Chance."
"It's rough,
I tell you. an" tough. Five times
I've taken root this Spring, an' tried to grow.
But evry time I git a start, along
That amarty cornea a-brandlthln hla hoe
An' chop! An' there I am again. They might
I think, at leart Jest let a feller be.
Who wasn't doln' nothln. but they aeem
To have a tplte agin me, I can ace.
An' I don't git no chance," said the weed.
"O" course.
If I was both'rln" anybody but I ain't:
Ain't bonln" favors an" ain't makln" any blow.
I'm peaceable an quiet an" Jest try
To rlt along the best I know;
I wasn't even planted, but Jest growed
AH by my lonely wasn't helped a epeck.
Aa others are: but the !esa I atk.
It seems, the more I git It In the neck
An" I don't git no chance," aald the weed,
"An" then.
Jest ee that dude, the cornstalk. Coddled till
It makes one tired to see. Why, do know,
He'd die It he's not babied no'. Gee-whli!
If I but had that show or half the ahow
That he has! Wouldn't I grow? I guess yea
I'd top the fence In no time. Spread? On, my!
An' smile? I'd pay for care, I would, an' b
The pride o thla whole garden 'fore I die
But I don't git no chance," aald the wted.
Cleveland Leader.
To the Clilcnjro River.
O Blrer, urban River, flowing oa your south
ward way.
What excuse hae you for being? What on
earth have you to say?
Tou are flowing, flowing, flowing, with your
awful stuffy stink.
But you are not good to look at and you are
not fit to drink.
0 River, atockyards River, with your dredging
boats and things.
1 would fly from you forever If I had a pair oj
wines!
Tou will drive us all to madneaa and to des
peration's brink.
For you are not good to look at and you are
not fit to drink!
O River, cursed River, with bacilli, bugs and
germs.
Those who turned you loose upon us should to
day be serving terms!
They have given us th ha-ha; we have got the
hlnky-dlnk.
For you are not good to look at and you are
not lit to drink!
St Louis Poet-Dispatch.
Blessed Is He.
I drink to the man who ne'er woo aye, nor
weds
The man who sews buttons and mends
The man who can live without women around;
Hen's Joy to mr bachelor friends:
He has none to keep but himself happy man!
And always enough to pay bills!
H gives to the grocer a merry ha-ha!
And squanders no shekels on frills.
He walks not at all in the dark, stilly night
With colicky offspring tn arms.
Which squalls with a zest that Is dreadful to
hear.
And nut the whole block with alarms. ,
H knows when be talks to himself he won't
have
To yell ao that be will be beard:
He knows when h talks to himself that he'll
get
To chuckle tbe very last word.
So here's to tbe bachelor blessed It he.
Who has none to keep but himself
Tbe icmh who smiles grimly while Cupid puts
back
His worn and frayed goods on their shelf.
Ohio Stats Journal.
COtJLDXT FIXD TTH.
Memphis Janitor Rives Vp Job Under
Peculiar Circumstances.
Some months ago ono of the Janitors of
a certain school rang up a member of the
school board. , 1
"What do you want?" said the member.
"This is Smith, the Janitor of the
Street School, and I have made up my
mind to quit my Job."
"What's the trouble V
"I am honest and I won't stand being
slurred. If I find a pencil or a handker
chief when I am sweeping I place It on
the teacher's desk. Every little while,
though, the teachers or some of the pu
pils, who are too cowardly to face mo, give
mo a slur."
Tho member of the board thought thnt
something was really wrong, and decided
to find what It was and correct it
"In what way are you slurred. Smith?"
he asked.
"Why, a little while ago I saw written
on the board. "Find a common multiple.'
Well, I don't know what It Is like, but I
have looked from cellar to garret, and I
can't find It"
The M. S. B. had to get away from the
phone to laugh. When he had recovered
his composure he came back.
"Well, what made you give up your
Job," he 6ald.
"Well, last night In big writing, on the
blackboard. I found this : "Find the great
est common divisor.' and I said to mself.
'Both of them miserable things are lost
and I get tho blame for swiping them. So
I am going to quit Good-by." Memphis
Scimitar.
3IKST HAVE THEM.
Xature Frollfllc In Red-Hnlred Girls,
and Art Assists.
The geographical distribution of red
headed girls Is. fortunately, wide. They
can be found In every inhabited quarter
of the world.
The so-called dark races are frequently
glorltled by glowing locks. The Spaniards
are swarthy as a race, but the purcat
blooded Castlllans frequently show traces
of their "Vlslgothlc blood by blue eyes and
red hair. The Infanta Eula,!e. who visited
this country In 1SD3. Is red-headed.
Red-haired Italians are fairly numerous
In Italy. They are most numerous in the
northern provinces, where there is the
greatest Infusion of German blcod. And
there Is no girl in the world prettier than
a red-haired Italian or Spaniard, except
it be a red-haired American.
In Ireland a red-haired girl Is made
miserable by being called n "Dane." This
epithet is a legacy of a thousand years or
more from the time when the Danes
did override the coasts of Britain.
In a similar manner the Norsemen, who
Invaded Sicily centuries ago, and inter
married with tho Inhabitants, left descend
ants with gleaming brain thatches.
The Turks are a light-haired, blue-eyed
race and their children are everywhere
scattered about Asia and Northern Africa,
And where there aren't any red-haired
girls by nature as among the Moors and
Arabs the glowing locks are commonest
of alt The women all dye their Jetty
tresses to a most lovely red with henna,
St Louis Republic
Antics of n. Palace Cnr.
A remarkable accident happened on the
Incoming International passenger train,
when within 10 miles of Laredo, recently.
The train was coming down a steep grade,
running W miles an hour, when the Pull
man rear coach, because of spreading of
the rails, left the track, ran the length of
two telegraph poles outside of the cross
ties, was Jerked back across to the other
side of the track, and ran for some dis
tance at an angle of 15 degrees on a 20
foot embankment When a culvert 3) feet
across was reached, the Pullman returned
to the track and crossed on the cross-ties,
cutting nearly every one of them In two
pieces. Four telegraph poles beyond the
culvert was a switch, .upon which the
Pullman regained the rails. Just as the
engineer succeeded in bringing his train
to a standstill. The Pullman was full ot
passengers, and not one of them was hurt
Qajvestca Daily, News.
A. Cnrnejrle, Philanthropist.
You cay It Is a blesetng
To be poor, and so lou go
Ahead and do your level best
To have the poor continue blest
While you tote all the woe!
Chicago Times-Herald.
TROUBLES OF OXC MOXAGHAX.
Barber Chnlr Broke Under Him and
He Wanted Relief.
A very excited little man, with a week's
growth of beard on his chin, forced his
way up to Magistrate Cornell. In the JeN
fcrson Market Police Court
"Oi'm an Olrlshman. yer Honor." he be
gan, wiping his forehead with a red handkerchief.
"So I hear" remarked tho Magistrate,
with a smile.
"My name's Monaghan, yer Honor,
Pathrlck Moraghan," resumed the llttlo
man, not noticing tho smile.
"Is that so?" said the Magistrate, in hyi
most polite tone. "Very glad to meet you,
Mr. Monohan."
"Monag-ghan. If ut please yer Honor.
An' 01 sbtreedaddled Into a Dago barber
shop this afternoon"
"Tou what?" asked tho Magistrate.
"Ol shtreedaddled Into a Dago shop to
git me beard cut off. If it plase yer Honor,
on' blamed sorry Ol am for "t npw. They
sat me In a chair and thin drew the back;
from unther me. an' Oi fell with the glorl
our r-result that ther whole thing bruk
down an" Ol was fer slttln" an the fluro
in the mldsht av the ruins."
"Well, well, well," said the Magistrate,
sympathetically.
The worrst Is yet to come, if It plaza
yer Honor," the little man resumed. "The
Dago shuk his hsht In me face and yelled.
'Ter bruk It" "Tou did it yerself.' Ol sez.
still slttln In ther ruins, and yer did it
a purplse. 'Tou pay a dollar fer dam
ages," sez the Dago, an" OI replied that
Ol would be an oyster the day OI did it,
Thiri he was afther takln' me overcoat,
which was hangin" on the wall. Ol roso
from ther ruins, av coorse. to deflnd mo
rolghts as a citizen, but they were four
Dagos In ther shop, if it plase yer Honor,
an' Oi'm here."
"Ho had no right to take your over
coat" said the Magistrate. "I shall give
you a summons for him."
"An' what about the pain an' the injury
an' ther tremenjous dlSculty av slttln'
down which Oi be afther bavin" Just
now?" inquired the complainant
"Oh, a summons will do," said the Mag
istrate, and one was made out. iionag
han hurried toward the door with It, but
at the last moment he turned back.
"Ter Honor." he said, "if ut plase yer
Honor. If it be that the Dago returns tho
coat need Oi come back?"
"Certainly not." said tho Magistrate,
and Monaghan went away happy. Tho
summons was returnable yesterday, and
all day the court officers looked eagerly
for the barber and his Injured customer,
but neither appeared. Some of the police
men suggested that, in view of the four
Italian assistants in the shop, he proba
bly took friends along when he served tho
summons, to help the barber make up his
mind. New York Sun.
HEARTLESS WRETCH.
And It AVns the Only Sister She Had
In the "World.
"I didn't tell you, did 1. Mildred," said
Mr. Cavil to his wife, "that I saw your
sister Jane downtown this day week?"
"No you didn't, Charlea Augustus Cav
il." replied Mrs. CavlL "Why-didn't your
"Well, you see" ""
"Tes, I see. Tou meet the only sister I
have In the world, and Instead of coming
stra'ght home and telling me about it. as
any respectable husband would have done,
the same day. you keep the matter secret
a whole week, and then ask, carelessly.
If you have mentioned the fact that you
saw her."
"But, my dear"
"Don't but me, Charlco Augustus CavlL
I have no doubt that she sent me a mes
sage by you, and you not only failed to
deliver It. but by this time you have for
gotten what it was about Tell me If thla
Isn't the case."
'My dear, it was this way"
"Don't tell me It was that way. Charles
Augustus Cavil. I know exactly how It
was. Tou simply didn't care a straw
whether I knew that you had seen sister
Jane or not or you would not nave waited
a whole week to tell me you had eecn
her."
"But I didn't say I saw her.
said at lencth.
Thpn I'd llko to know what you
say, Charles Augustus Cavil."
"I asked you If I told you that I sxtt
her." explained Mr. Cavil.
"Well, why didn't you tell me?"
"The reason I didn't tell you was be
caus I didn't see her. That's all."
Mrs. Cavil gasped and was speechless.
Harper's Bazar.
FrlRhtened Her.
"Ethel. eald Jack Smith, as he placed
his arms around his wife and looked down
Into her eyes, "I have a confession to
mako to you, and I want you to promise,
before I begin it that you will forslvo
me."
A wild fear took possession of her. She
Dlaced a little white hand upon her heart
and would have fallen If her husband had
not held her up. Her face became livid,
and she could only gasp, "Tell me tell mo
the worst!"
"I did a man out of a cold hundred, to
day." he said. "I confess I took advantago
of him, but I trust my darling will ma'co
allowances In view of the sore tempta
tion." The color came back Into hor cheeks, her
lips parted in a glad, sweet smile, sho
rested her head against his breast, and.
iooklns fondly up into his eyes, said:
"Oh. Jock dear, how you frightened, mc!
I thought you were going to tell me that
you had kissed some horrid womac."
1 Comer's "Weekly.
Mr. Cavil
did