SUNDAY OBEGONIAN, PORTLAND, 'APRIL 1, 1900. 28 - . -- , n . ' T " 1- M- .. t. .. ..iih- iijsm -1 "-t I ... " f.-r&TT 1.?X A'i r r X. tf - S - U( The Circuit-Rider's "Wife. he traveled through this vale of tears Tat the and thirty lone; long yearn ben meekly yielded up her lite. For ite was a circuit-riders wife. Chicago TriDune. OVCRLOOKCD THE CLEnGY. mid be Protected Asrnlnst Buying llendy-Made Sermom. hat bill which a clergyman intro- -cd Into our state Senate as a check the crowing Industry which provides aents -with ready-made orations and ays and compositions is attracting ae unpleasant attention In the .tast. lere they dont unaersiana us. j. lie bill Is all right as far as It goes, It Isn't elastic enougn. ino cerg- In meant wen. no muutui u "- service for literary aspirants, uuu ange to say. he blindly overlooked the rrr No doubt some of them need pro- Itlon from these bureau cormorants and Ira these syndicated sharks. Think of temptation it Is for an enervatea par- to step into one 01 tneso Bimu-rair sermon shops ana say: What have you In about zo-mmute gtbs?" Ornate 7" No, Just simple and soothing. Lemme see. We got in a fresh lot of ;orted harangues yesterday. Jimmie, ad me the proofs of that matter on mo hook. Tou want it conservatively or- bdox?" lies; mildly progressive." h know. Here, how's this? Hold on. kt's a 30-minute talk. Ten you wnui do. I'll saw out this long paragrapa on 'the duty of the state' ana croait with the weight." hft welchtT res. "We sell 'em all by the weight of metal. There, that's U pounds and ounces. Two - dollars - seventy - inhe rits, please. Bo many parsons like to Ike off the printed slips to distribute pong thlr hearers that we And the met- plan the best one." tout isn't that a little high?" rJCot far that grade. We've got some It-boilers here, regular insomnia chas- that I could let you have for hair money. But they ain't what you knt You've been fishing a pretty good llcle out of the bar"l. I've no doubt, and rd be too much of a come-down. Of arse, you understand that this is not be released until March 1L and that lly one sermon bearing this number is be preached In what we call a the- Jjglcal section." "Very well. Wrap It up, plene." Thank you. Tour address on this card. e will send It tip by our 1 o clock de- ery. Anything else?" Td like a little talk on the duty of the ur, or pome kindred subject, for our 1day evening gathering." I 'Certainly. Take this catalogue home th you and look It over. There are Duties of the Hour there, you will Itlce. Good day. Call again." Cieve- ad Plain Dealer. BLEW OFF AXD SETTLED. Ix- Ipsy Pnasennrrr Accidentally cafe on "Western Farm. fThe wind blew a passenger off my lain when I was railroading in the West- country." said a conductor now on an Unols run. fBut I didn't know It until thrco years ter the occurrence," he continued. "He las ticketed for Southern California, and veral times during the day he asked le questions. Boon after his last ques- lon I missed him from his seat. Later the day he wa still missing, but his rercoat was on the back of the peat. "I asked other passengers if they had en him leave the car. No one remem- lt I searched the train, but failed find him. I then took his coat, and brneU It In. making a report on the case. he company held it for some time, and Ihen no inquiry was made, the company overused the coat In the hope that the kystery- might be solved. There was no aponse. This only spurred the company renew its search, and I know that sev- hundred dollars were spent in an ef- brt to find the owner of the coat. Tou railroad companies have souls. In bite of an opinion held by some to the ontrary. And now here Is one for the country itor. Such a one heard of the Incident Ind printed it in his paper. Curiously nough. one of his subscribers, who read tie story, was the man who lost the coat. ad he presented himself at the company s Ifflce, proved his property and got It. "His story was that he Imbibed pretty ely. and stepped out on the platform to Iet fresh air. The wind was blowing a ale. and before he could get a purchase. swept him from the car. As he was trunk the fall did not hurt him. I do not ay this, however, as favoring too free In dulgence in liquor. "When he sobered up he felt ashamed. ad stopped In a. farmhouse near by. where le found a bargain In farm land, and pur- phased. -He canceled his far Western 1p and settled on his newly acquired lurcbase. This was his story. I have old mine." Chicago Tribune. I FEARS FEATHERS WILL GROW. adlana Colored Sinn Dreads nesults From Efnr-Fllm GrnftlnK. I Eighteen months ago Scott Smyth, col rcd, was horribly burned by the bursting f a coal oil lamp, at Indianapolis, Ind. led medical attention by many physi cians failed of relief, and, as a last re tort. It was recently decided to try the aftlng process with the skins of f reshly- Jd eggs. After the portions had been cleansed vlth antiseptic lotion, the eggs were care- illy broken; the yolk and albumen were aptled out. and then the. filmy skin was nken out and placed over the Injured portions. Examination today disclosed that the fine capillaries of the blood had ozne out of the wounds and into the s!dn,J After the manner of and that, to all Intents and purposes, the skin of the egg was now a part of Smyth's body, susceptible to heat and cold to touch. The blood circulated through the new skin as It did through the old. but the new skin retains Its original velvety whiteness, and It may be that the pigment which colors a negro's skin will not enter the new tissue. Smyth Is much alarmed over the situa tion, -fearing that feathers will appear where the new skin has formed, and he is constantly watching the progress of the affected parts with the aid of a hand glass, looking for feathery sprouts.-Cin-dnnatl Inquirer. LOOKED GREEX, BUT WASXT. Kentucky aiountnlneer FooU Whis ky Connoisseurs. That reminds me of a very singular Incident" said a New Orleans ciuDman, who had listened to a story. "It lllus trates how little reliance Is to be placed in connoisseurshlp in matters touching the palate. "About a dozen years ago a very green looking mountaineer from the Manchester region turned up one day in Louisville with a barrel of whisky. The barrel was home-made, bound with hoops evidently hammered out In a farm forge, and the date, iKl,' was scrawled on the top with a hot poker. According to the moun taineer he had found it under the floor of a cabin once occupied by his uncle, who wag a noted moonshiner. Before tho chap had been In town an hour news of the discovery flew around and ho was be sieged by wou'.d-be purchasers. His ap parent stupidity, the artless fashion In which he told bis tale, and tho unques tionable antiquity of the barrel Itself all disarmed suspicion, and there was so much eagerness to acquire the prize that nobody thought of investigating. The only doubt expressed was as to .the condition of the liquor, a gosd many holding that It must have 'gone back' and spoiled In such a lapse of time. That was settled In the storeroom of a certain fashionable club, where the bung was removed with rever ent care and a little of the precious fluid was taken out in a siphon. It was pro nounced superb by all the experts present, and the mountaineer was given W0 for the barrel, which was about 16 a gallon, and considered a great barjraln. "For a year or so that '61 whisky was a star attraction at the club; then an envi ous rival mado a quiet investigation and unearthed a funny story. As it turned out. the only thing genuine in the affair was the barrel, which the guileless moun taineer has really discovered under a floor, in the manner described. It was entirely empty when found, and he proceeded to fill It up with some mellow or 6-year-old stuff which he secured In tho neighbor hood. The whisky was really good for the kind, but It la amazing that It could have masqueraded as an ante-bellum plant, and fooled some of the best Judges In the country. The club people were "bit terly mortified over the episode." New Orleans Times-Democrat. SOT CRAWFISHj LOBSTERS. She Woin't Accustomed to the De licious Crustacean. "I witnessed a most remarkable incident today," said a "horsy" looking man to a friend on the corner of Main and Madison streets. "What was it?" inquired the friend. "Why, I was taking dinner at one of tho swell restaurants uptown when a stylishly dressed oung woman came In arid took a seat at the table opposite me. I noticed that she bore herself with an.alr that was not one of ease; seeming to be a person who was not used to as much as her attire signified. At a second glance it was easy to see that she was evidently a person whose family had lately come into the possers!on of money, and when she cave her order to the waiter I was satis fled I had made a correct surmise. " "What's yo" order, ma'am?" asked tbo waiter. " Tou may bring me a dozen lobsters, she answered. "A puzzled look camo over v tho waiter's face. " 'Did you say lobsters, ma'am? " Tcs. I said lobsters.' " 'A dozen?" " Why, certainly! with on Injured air. How daro you ask such an Impertinent question! " "It wuz such a 'stravagant awduh, ma'am.' the waiter replied; 'but I'll git em right away.' "In a short while four waiters came sol emly stalking In, all bearing a tray of lob sters. which they deposited in front of the young woman without the sign of a smile. When she realized the blunder she had made she hastily rose and fled from the place." Memphis Scimitar. MUST HAVE I1EEX ItOBBED. Or Maybe It Was Dne to Uer Way of Keeping Books. She decided that the only way to run a house economically was to keep a set of books, so she made all necessary pur chases. Including a bottle of red ink, and started In. It was a month later when her husband asked her how she was getting, along. "Splendidly," she replied. The system Is a success, then?" "Yes, Indeed. Why, I'm $00 ahead already." "Sixty dollars!" he exclaimed. "Heavens: Tou'U be rich before long. Have you started a bank account?" "No-o; not yet." "What have you done with the money7" "Oh. I haven't got the money, you know. That's only what the books show. But Just think of being $50 aheadl" "Urn, yes. But I don't exactly eee "And all In one month, tool" "Of course; but the money? What has become of that?' "I don't exactly know," she said, doubt fully. "I've been thinking of that, and I think wo must have been robbed. Whai do you think we bad better do about it?" Ho puffed his pipe In solemn silence for a moment, and then suggested: "Wo might atop keeping books. That's easier than complaining to the police." "Woman's Home Companion. peered curiously through the envelope, f when she recognized the address. Instead of opening It at once. "It's Cousin Maria's writing. And I do believe there are three cards; two big ones and a little one. Do you suppoto It's possible that they Here she desisted from hypotheses and opened the envelope. Inside were three cards, without doubt two large ones and one very tiny one. The large ones were the regular visiting cards of Mr. and Mrs. Joslah QuIUaby Jones. The tiny card was attached by a little bow of pink ribbon. In big and boldly-Inked characters it bore this brief Inscription: "Nit." New Tork Sun. TOO MTCH FOR HIM. Couldn't Stand "Uncle Tom's Cabin" Fire limes Rnnnlns;, "I was out at the front of an TJ. T. C combine." related my Irlend, the ex. theatrical man. U. T. C stands for "Un cle Tom's Cabin. "We were playing the Jay places. 'Nother fellow and I kept pretty well ahead posting bills, occa- I "-'-.i! "' ! 'arlTthUblng. GAL.L1FFET AXD niS FISH. Carp From .Napoleon Ill's Preserve Hakes Heap of Trouble. In the etats de service of General Gal liffet, the present War Minister of France, there Is a curious note which should en dear him to the hearts of all fishermen. After paying a just tribute to his abilities, the note reads: "But unfortunately, he selects extraordi nary companions." Thereoy hangs a fish story. Long ago, in the days of the Second Empire. Gal llffet was the aide-de-camp of Napoleon IIX At St. Cloud his quarters were Just over the Imperial bedroom. Everything around him was very grand and very gloomy. The window 'of his room looked upon the pond that washed the walls of the chateau. The water was clear, and the surrounding scenery was beautiful; but tho young Lieutenant felt like a pris oner. Early one morning while seated at his window, trying to drive away the blues with a cigar, he espied below In the crystal water an enormous carp. The instinct of the angler, strong in Galllffet, made the young man's eyes snap and set bis company, when some one or xne latent went off on a spree. "One cold day we were posting bills on a long board, right where the rake of tha wind caught us. We were hurrying. But, cold as It was there, an old man, leaning on his cane, was boring dark brown holes in the snow with tobacco Juice, and watch ing us. "At the top of our bills we hung the banner streamer a long strip of paper, with the words: " 'Googor's Grand Consolidated Band.' That went above all, and we put It on tho board first- When It was on, the old man spelled It out slowly. " 'Wal. thar. fellers.' said he. Tm darned ef I ain't glad to see one show come to town that ain't one of them blamed "Unclo Tom's Cabin" things. We've had "Uncle Tom's Cabin" here in this place for the last four shows, and we're getting blame sick of that play, now I tell ye. Have to go to 'em, 'cause wo have to have a leetlo fun durin' the Winter but It does seem as though these play actors might git up suthln' else. So I'm glad to see that your crowd has got spunk "While the old man had been talking, we were hustling. The next strip was one piece. We put It on by sticking one end and throwing It right across the board. It unrolled as It went, and these were the words It bore: " 'And Uncle Tom's Cabin Company.' The old man gazed on It with his Jaw dropping. "Wall. Til be Jiggered to Jlggerty.' said he. and he stumped away through the snow like a rotary plow." Lowlston Journal. The big fish was the private property of the Emperor. Consequently, for Galllffet It was forbidden fish. But It was such a fine fellow! The resistance of the sol dier's conscience was useless. It surren dered unconditionally. The remaining part I of the campaign against the carp was sim ple enough. Galllffet went to his trunk. brought out his trusty line, to which he fastened a hook and an artificial bait. "With his accustomed skill he cast the Vne. The carp was hooked and hauled In through the window. Here the Lieutenant's fun ended, and his trouble began. The fish landed upon a table, overturned a large globe filled with water, and carromed from that to a magnificent vase, which It also upset and smashed to pieces upon the floor. Then It began to execute a genuine pas de carpe among the smithereens. fonnancet Endless chain! By the time they have cleaned the walks It 1 time to clean them again. See here," to his wife, "do you take me for the board of works? Are you under the delusion that I must dissipate my fortune In' paying snow ehovelers? Where did you round up such a gang? Did It suggest itself to you that If It kept on snowing long enough and this force remained with us, you. would drive us Into bankruptcy? Who's the big chap on the next walk? There's a worker for you. Regular snowplow." That's our new neighbor. He cleans his own walks, but he's young and strong." "Meaning that I'm superannuated and on the retired list. Well. I guess not. Here, pay off your snow brigade and tell them to disperse quietly. When the snow let's up I'll da the cleaning." (He went at It as though he were shut In and working to escape suffocation. There were never less than two shovelfuls of enow in the air at the same time. Grad ually he reduced the pace till two feet ahead looked like a mile and snow seemed heavier than lead. He Is now swathed In bandages, and the pungent odors of all kinds of liniments pervade, the block. He vows that it Is all the result of his wife's extravagance and stands without the dan ger lines when she tells him that there is no fool like an old fool when he tries to get skittish. Detroit Free Press. lng the Englishwoman was describing- the day to some American friends. Of course they wanted to know how she liked tha American dishes. The oysters, she Bald, were very nice, indeed. "I enjoyed everything," she said, "but I was disappointed because there was no terrapin. I have heard so much of your American terrapin, and I rially wanted to try It I think I ate a little of every thing they brought on, except one thing. It was something danc and fat-looking, served In a small dish. It looked rather dreadful, so I didn't try It I was wait, lng for the terrapin; but there was none." "Why," said one of the American friends, "that dark, fat-looking stuff was terrapin." The Englishwoman looked very much disappointed. "Really?" she said. "Was It really? Was that terrapin? I'm so sorry I didn't try It I fancied they'd bring It on whole, roasted, like goose." Washington Post OXB OX THE GEXEHAL. Volunteers Did Xot Have to Walt for BrldRe Plans. Buller's experience in crossing the Tuge la River by fording It and pontoontng It recalls a few Incidents happening during the Civil War. Tho Northern armies were made up of men belonging to all trades and professions, and when a bridge was ! destroyed by the Confederates, It was an easy matter to find brtdgebullders to re build It . The Brigade General in command of a A.'CL Z1 ." " "L"rL .J .. I brlcade of regulars onco came to a stream et iKKS -d was forced to P-the bridge federates. He sent for the Colonel of a Pennsylvania regiment of volunteers and said: I have ordered my engineers to draw GETS Ills Testimonial. "How do you like your now typewriter?" inquired the agent "Ifs grand." was the immediate reply. "I wonder how I ever got along without If' "Well, would you mind giving me a lit tlo testimonial to that effect?" "Certainly not! Do it gladly." So ho rolled up his sleeves, and In an Incredibly short time pounded out this: "After Using the amtomatlng Backac tlon a type writ er for thre emonth an d Over. I unhesslttattlngly pronounce It pronoce It to be al even more than tho Manufacture Claim? for It During tho time been In possession e L th ree month zl id has more than paid for itself In the saving of It an dlabor. John GIbbs." "There you are, sir." "Thanks," said the agent and most quickly he went away. The Columbian. through the celling, was astonished. He rushed upstairs to find out what was the matter. Galllffet heard him coming and endeavored to grab the carp and throw It out of the window and thus destroy the evidence of his poaching in the imperial pond. But the slippery thing was hard to hold; so he tossed It Into the bed and covered It up with the bedclothes. "When tho Emperor entered the room he noticed immediately the quivering bedclothes. He pulled them down and uncovered the floundering fish. His Majesty's face as sumed an almost Jimjamlc expression, which gradually faded Into a faint smile He took In the entire situation, saluted and Heft the future War Minister to medi tate upon the mysteries of a fisherman's luck. New Tork Sun. XOXD LIKE AX OLD FOOL. Snow L'paets the Equilibrium of a Detroit Household. They bad their packing done and their boat engaged for the Bermudas, but the trip had been deferred for two weeks. The last day of February will long be remembered because of the big storm. This resident, whose chief business is to collect money from various sources at home and was about as complacent ! under the confinement as a newly caged hyena. It finally struck him that there was an unusual number of men and boys working about the premises, and he in vestigated. Having gained Information, he began to deliver himself. "Fine state of affairs! Continual per- plans for a new bridge. Have you any men In your regiment who can build bridges?" "I think so," replied the Pennsylvanlan. "I'll see," Two hours later the Pennsylvanlan re turned and said: "I found a lot of bridge builders tn my regiment Fir." "Well, send them over with orders to re port to me. I will put them under the orders of my engineers and they can re build the bridge." "Very well, sir," replied the Pennsylva nlan. "I'll have to send across the river for them. They rebuilt the bridge last night and are now in camp with my regi ment on the other side." Omaha World Herald. HER FinST TEnRAPIX. It Failed to Speak n It Passed Her lly. Earlier In the year an Engl'ah lady came to make a visit to the capital. On her way across the water she met a number of Washingtonlans. A certain Senator was among them, arid knowing'that It was the Englishwoman's first visit to America, he begged to be allowed to show the capltol to her when she should come to Wash ington. When she came he invited sev eral persons to meet her at a luncheon In the Senate restaurant It was an" en tirely American menu. That same even BACK AT HIM. Serves Him With a Dose of His Own Bitter Medicine. "Ah. yes, yes!" pleaded the young ed itor of tha Tombstone Magazine, as he knelt at the feet of the beautiful heir ess, Bromo Moneyton. "Do not so cru elly kill the hopes that I have cherished that you would one day be mlnet" The exquisite girl moved slightly away so that she could get a good view of his attitude. She looked coldly, pityingly. almost mockingly, ot him. Then she spoke In calm, measured tones: "I regret" sho said, "'that after a care ful examination, I find that you do not fulfill all the requisites for acceptance. In short, you won't do." A cold chill seemed to strike and clutch his heart In an ley grip. Her words sounded strangely familiar. "I wish, however," she went on, "to thank you for so kindly submitting your self, and at the same time to remind you that the refusal does not necessarily Im ply a lack of merit" "Be merciful, Bromo!" he moaned. He recognized in what she said the regular rejection form of the Tombstone. "In Judging the acceptability of a hus band." she continued, "many questions of individual plan and policy must be considered. It frequently happens that a man unsulted to the tastes and inclina tions of one girl may come within the scopu of some other. A more careful study of my peculiarities would have In formed you more thoroughly of the gen eral character of offers desired. I wish, hovever, to thank you for the privilege of considering you, and will promise you a prompt decision on the value of all fu ture " '"Enough! Enough! Bromo." ho gasped, groveling on the rug. "'What Is your nom de plume?" She glared mercilessly Into his eyes, then drew herself to within an Inch of her full height "Roxlne Radiator, tho poetess, whose verses you have been steadily refusing for tho last year and a half!" she hissed in his ear. .as she swept from tho room. Kate Masterson In Life. 33$$:8 POEMS WORTH READING "XIT!" Announcing the Smith Baby's Arrival Response of Joneses. When the first born arrived In the house of Smith, of Brooklyn, the proud grand mother went out and had some small cards engraved with the name of the In fant after the fashion of the day. Next she rounded up all the cards of Smith and Mrs. Smith and. having purchased many yards of pink ribbon, proceeded to make up little triple-card packets to send by mail to all the relatives, by way of notification. First came the cards of the parent Smiths, to which was tied with a bow of the pink ribbon the very tiny card of Miss Smith. Among others to whom this form of no tification was sent were the Joslah Q. Joneses, cousins. Mr. and Mrs. Jones have been married many years, and have no children. In the course of time ar rived the acknowledgments of the Jones cousins by mall. "Why, they've sent cards," cried Mrs. Smith, in great excitement when the epistle was handed In by the postman. womankind, she Old Datruerrotypes. Up in the attic I found them, locked in the cedar cheat. Where the flowered gowna lie folded, which once were brave an the bejt: And. like the queer old Jackets and the walit- coata ray with atrlpea. They tell of a wom-out fashion theae old da- guerrotypea. Quaint little foldlcr cases, ftstened with tiny hook. Seemingly made to tempt one to lift up the latch and look: Linings of purple and velvet odd little frames Of gold. Circling the faded faces brought from the daya of old. Orandpa. and grandma, taken rrer so long ago. Grandma's bonnet a marvel, grandpa's collar a Htnr: Mother, a tiny toddler, with rings on her baby Painted leat none ahould notice In glittering gilded bands. Aunts and uncles and coualns, a atarcby and stiff array. Lovers and brides, then blooming, but now ao wrinkled and gray. Out through the znlaty glauea they gaie at me. sitting here Opening the quaint old casea with a itnlle that la bait a tear. I will smile no more, little pictures, for heart leu It waa. In truth. To drag to tbo cruel daylight these ghosts of a vanished youth. Go back to your cedar chamber, your gowns and your lavender. And dream, "mid their bygone graces, of the wonderful days that were. Saturday Evening Poit Out In One Innlncf. Ho waa rather fond of pcalng. In bis colics cat and sown: In several unlveraltlea he'd won auperb renown; He bad out one book oa physics and one on home economy. And a treatise on the bronchial tubes, another on astronomy. He'd theories on everything, from earthquakes to biology. He'd talk with you on placer mines, or lacs work or pbllology: He could write on Chrlitlan Science, or on fsinee cr on hlatory. For to him the world of learning held not a single mjotery. But be met a girl from Louisville, who'd never been to college. Nor even gone to boarding school to win a Mora of knowledge; But Bhs gave him Juat one little look that bowled him out completely. And then she calmly tripped away, a-imlllng very sweetly. Ah. for that man o theory. It was a sad un doing; He wanders round dejectedly. Miss Louisville pursuing. Tla not becauee aho turns him down if hear ing ts believing But he baa no rule to fit th caae, and that la why he's grieving. Chicago Becord. Only n Burnished Hair. He was going home at night And he eat Down bald a lady no Harm In that! She was rather young and fair. With a wealth of burnished hair That was colled In careless masses round her bead. Others may have been entranced. Others may have slyly glanced,. . But he merely tock hit paper out and read. They were closely huddled up In the car; There were sudden swerves; with now and Then ajar; Heads were swayed this way and that. And sometimes the one who sat There beside him, as they aped upon their way. Brushed hl shoulder with her hair. But he didn't know or care He waa reading what bad happened through tbe day! There waa one who sat at heme. And be kneif She would meet him at the door Happy two! What were other women's charms "While ahe stood with waiting arroa?- Ah, he loved each raven treaa upon her head! With a true heart and serene He rushed tn where ah waa queen Bat the happlnem they bad, alas!. Is dead! Oh. be told her all the truth. And he swore On tbe Bible, but the fumed. And she tore! She bad found a burnllhed hair Resting on nia ihoulder ere He had stepped across the threshold, and to day He can neither aay nor do Aught to make her think him true Shun tbe women and tbe cars that Jolt and away. S. . Klser tn Chicago Times-Herald. Type-Sticking;. All alght tbe aky waa draped In darkness thick. Out from tbe clouds Impriaoned lightnings swept Into th printer's stick With energetic click. The ranks of type Into battalion crept Which formed brigades while dreaming labor slept: And ere dawn's crimson pennons were unfurled The night-formed columns charged the waking world. -E. F.Ware "IrooqulU") In Topeka Capital. The Call of the Drum. All faint and far away I hear The calling of the drum. Ita rhythmlo thrumming, drawing near. Is ever pleading: "Come!" Tbe colors are waving My heart throbs with craving As nearer And clearer. And louder. And prouder Its melody grona, as tbe sound comes and goes. "Come! Come!" Is tbe call of tbe drum. Now brave and grand, and near at band I bear the calling drum. The flag, by gallant breei fanned, la beckoning: ""Oh. come! We'll rush to the clamor Of strife, with Its glamour." And swelling. And telling Tbe story Of glery The drum tings In glee as it pastes by me. "Come! Comet" la tbe aonr ot the drum. Still faint and far away I near The ever-calling drum. Now tinging law, now ringing clean, In its Insistent "Come." With tones sweet and hollow It lares me to follow. Faraway Through th day It calls me Enthralls me Th lilt of lta beating my heart Is repeating. Come! Come!" Is tbe call of the drum. JcshTVlnk.la Baltimore American. "Don't Git Xo Chance." "It's rough, I tell you. an" tough. Five times I've taken root this Spring, an' tried to grow. But evry time I git a start, along That amarty cornea a-brandlthln hla hoe An' chop! An' there I am again. They might I think, at leart Jest let a feller be. Who wasn't doln' nothln. but they aeem To have a tplte agin me, I can ace. An' I don't git no chance," said the weed. "O" course. If I was both'rln" anybody but I ain't: Ain't bonln" favors an" ain't makln" any blow. I'm peaceable an quiet an" Jest try To rlt along the best I know; I wasn't even planted, but Jest growed AH by my lonely wasn't helped a epeck. Aa others are: but the !esa I atk. It seems, the more I git It In the neck An" I don't git no chance," aald the weed, "An" then. Jest ee that dude, the cornstalk. Coddled till It makes one tired to see. Why, do know, He'd die It he's not babied no'. Gee-whli! If I but had that show or half the ahow That he has! Wouldn't I grow? I guess yea I'd top the fence In no time. Spread? On, my! An' smile? I'd pay for care, I would, an' b The pride o thla whole garden 'fore I die But I don't git no chance," aald the wted. Cleveland Leader. To the Clilcnjro River. O Blrer, urban River, flowing oa your south ward way. What excuse hae you for being? What on earth have you to say? Tou are flowing, flowing, flowing, with your awful stuffy stink. But you are not good to look at and you are not fit to drink. 0 River, atockyards River, with your dredging boats and things. 1 would fly from you forever If I had a pair oj wines! Tou will drive us all to madneaa and to des peration's brink. For you are not good to look at and you are not fit to drink! O River, cursed River, with bacilli, bugs and germs. Those who turned you loose upon us should to day be serving terms! They have given us th ha-ha; we have got the hlnky-dlnk. For you are not good to look at and you are not lit to drink! St Louis Poet-Dispatch. Blessed Is He. I drink to the man who ne'er woo aye, nor weds The man who sews buttons and mends The man who can live without women around; Hen's Joy to mr bachelor friends: He has none to keep but himself happy man! And always enough to pay bills! H gives to the grocer a merry ha-ha! And squanders no shekels on frills. He walks not at all in the dark, stilly night With colicky offspring tn arms. Which squalls with a zest that Is dreadful to hear. And nut the whole block with alarms. , H knows when be talks to himself he won't have To yell ao that be will be beard: He knows when h talks to himself that he'll get To chuckle tbe very last word. So here's to tbe bachelor blessed It he. Who has none to keep but himself Tbe icmh who smiles grimly while Cupid puts back His worn and frayed goods on their shelf. Ohio Stats Journal. COtJLDXT FIXD TTH. Memphis Janitor Rives Vp Job Under Peculiar Circumstances. Some months ago ono of the Janitors of a certain school rang up a member of the school board. , 1 "What do you want?" said the member. "This is Smith, the Janitor of the Street School, and I have made up my mind to quit my Job." "What's the trouble V "I am honest and I won't stand being slurred. If I find a pencil or a handker chief when I am sweeping I place It on the teacher's desk. Every little while, though, the teachers or some of the pu pils, who are too cowardly to face mo, give mo a slur." Tho member of the board thought thnt something was really wrong, and decided to find what It was and correct it "In what way are you slurred. Smith?" he asked. "Why, a little while ago I saw written on the board. "Find a common multiple.' Well, I don't know what It Is like, but I have looked from cellar to garret, and I can't find It" The M. S. B. had to get away from the phone to laugh. When he had recovered his composure he came back. "Well, what made you give up your Job," he 6ald. "Well, last night In big writing, on the blackboard. I found this : "Find the great est common divisor.' and I said to mself. 'Both of them miserable things are lost and I get tho blame for swiping them. So I am going to quit Good-by." Memphis Scimitar. 3IKST HAVE THEM. Xature Frollfllc In Red-Hnlred Girls, and Art Assists. The geographical distribution of red headed girls Is. fortunately, wide. They can be found In every inhabited quarter of the world. The so-called dark races are frequently glorltled by glowing locks. The Spaniards are swarthy as a race, but the purcat blooded Castlllans frequently show traces of their "Vlslgothlc blood by blue eyes and red hair. The Infanta Eula,!e. who visited this country In 1SD3. Is red-headed. Red-haired Italians are fairly numerous In Italy. They are most numerous in the northern provinces, where there is the greatest Infusion of German blcod. And there Is no girl in the world prettier than a red-haired Italian or Spaniard, except it be a red-haired American. In Ireland a red-haired girl Is made miserable by being called n "Dane." This epithet is a legacy of a thousand years or more from the time when the Danes did override the coasts of Britain. In a similar manner the Norsemen, who Invaded Sicily centuries ago, and inter married with tho Inhabitants, left descend ants with gleaming brain thatches. The Turks are a light-haired, blue-eyed race and their children are everywhere scattered about Asia and Northern Africa, And where there aren't any red-haired girls by nature as among the Moors and Arabs the glowing locks are commonest of alt The women all dye their Jetty tresses to a most lovely red with henna, St Louis Republic Antics of n. Palace Cnr. A remarkable accident happened on the Incoming International passenger train, when within 10 miles of Laredo, recently. The train was coming down a steep grade, running W miles an hour, when the Pull man rear coach, because of spreading of the rails, left the track, ran the length of two telegraph poles outside of the cross ties, was Jerked back across to the other side of the track, and ran for some dis tance at an angle of 15 degrees on a 20 foot embankment When a culvert 3) feet across was reached, the Pullman returned to the track and crossed on the cross-ties, cutting nearly every one of them In two pieces. Four telegraph poles beyond the culvert was a switch, .upon which the Pullman regained the rails. Just as the engineer succeeded in bringing his train to a standstill. The Pullman was full ot passengers, and not one of them was hurt Qajvestca Daily, News. A. Cnrnejrle, Philanthropist. You cay It Is a blesetng To be poor, and so lou go Ahead and do your level best To have the poor continue blest While you tote all the woe! Chicago Times-Herald. TROUBLES OF OXC MOXAGHAX. Barber Chnlr Broke Under Him and He Wanted Relief. A very excited little man, with a week's growth of beard on his chin, forced his way up to Magistrate Cornell. In the JeN fcrson Market Police Court "Oi'm an Olrlshman. yer Honor." he be gan, wiping his forehead with a red handkerchief. "So I hear" remarked tho Magistrate, with a smile. "My name's Monaghan, yer Honor, Pathrlck Moraghan," resumed the llttlo man, not noticing tho smile. "Is that so?" said the Magistrate, in hyi most polite tone. "Very glad to meet you, Mr. Monohan." "Monag-ghan. If ut please yer Honor. An' 01 sbtreedaddled Into a Dago barber shop this afternoon" "Tou what?" asked tho Magistrate. "Ol shtreedaddled Into a Dago shop to git me beard cut off. If it plase yer Honor, on' blamed sorry Ol am for "t npw. They sat me In a chair and thin drew the back; from unther me. an' Oi fell with the glorl our r-result that ther whole thing bruk down an" Ol was fer slttln" an the fluro in the mldsht av the ruins." "Well, well, well," said the Magistrate, sympathetically. The worrst Is yet to come, if It plaza yer Honor," the little man resumed. "The Dago shuk his hsht In me face and yelled. 'Ter bruk It" "Tou did it yerself.' Ol sez. still slttln In ther ruins, and yer did it a purplse. 'Tou pay a dollar fer dam ages," sez the Dago, an" OI replied that Ol would be an oyster the day OI did it, Thiri he was afther takln' me overcoat, which was hangin" on the wall. Ol roso from ther ruins, av coorse. to deflnd mo rolghts as a citizen, but they were four Dagos In ther shop, if it plase yer Honor, an' Oi'm here." "Ho had no right to take your over coat" said the Magistrate. "I shall give you a summons for him." "An' what about the pain an' the injury an' ther tremenjous dlSculty av slttln' down which Oi be afther bavin" Just now?" inquired the complainant "Oh, a summons will do," said the Mag istrate, and one was made out. iionag han hurried toward the door with It, but at the last moment he turned back. "Ter Honor." he said, "if ut plase yer Honor. If it be that the Dago returns tho coat need Oi come back?" "Certainly not." said tho Magistrate, and Monaghan went away happy. Tho summons was returnable yesterday, and all day the court officers looked eagerly for the barber and his Injured customer, but neither appeared. Some of the police men suggested that, in view of the four Italian assistants in the shop, he proba bly took friends along when he served tho summons, to help the barber make up his mind. New York Sun. HEARTLESS WRETCH. And It AVns the Only Sister She Had In the "World. "I didn't tell you, did 1. Mildred," said Mr. Cavil to his wife, "that I saw your sister Jane downtown this day week?" "No you didn't, Charlea Augustus Cav il." replied Mrs. CavlL "Why-didn't your "Well, you see" "" "Tes, I see. Tou meet the only sister I have In the world, and Instead of coming stra'ght home and telling me about it. as any respectable husband would have done, the same day. you keep the matter secret a whole week, and then ask, carelessly. If you have mentioned the fact that you saw her." "But, my dear" "Don't but me, Charlco Augustus CavlL I have no doubt that she sent me a mes sage by you, and you not only failed to deliver It. but by this time you have for gotten what it was about Tell me If thla Isn't the case." 'My dear, it was this way" "Don't tell me It was that way. Charles Augustus Cavil. I know exactly how It was. Tou simply didn't care a straw whether I knew that you had seen sister Jane or not or you would not nave waited a whole week to tell me you had eecn her." "But I didn't say I saw her. said at lencth. Thpn I'd llko to know what you say, Charles Augustus Cavil." "I asked you If I told you that I sxtt her." explained Mr. Cavil. "Well, why didn't you tell me?" "The reason I didn't tell you was be caus I didn't see her. That's all." Mrs. Cavil gasped and was speechless. Harper's Bazar. FrlRhtened Her. "Ethel. eald Jack Smith, as he placed his arms around his wife and looked down Into her eyes, "I have a confession to mako to you, and I want you to promise, before I begin it that you will forslvo me." A wild fear took possession of her. She Dlaced a little white hand upon her heart and would have fallen If her husband had not held her up. Her face became livid, and she could only gasp, "Tell me tell mo the worst!" "I did a man out of a cold hundred, to day." he said. "I confess I took advantago of him, but I trust my darling will ma'co allowances In view of the sore tempta tion." The color came back Into hor cheeks, her lips parted in a glad, sweet smile, sho rested her head against his breast, and. iooklns fondly up into his eyes, said: "Oh. Jock dear, how you frightened, mc! I thought you were going to tell me that you had kissed some horrid womac." 1 Comer's "Weekly. Mr. Cavil did