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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (March 25, 1900)
28 THE SUNDAY OREGOjVIAJN, PORTLAND, MARCH 25, 1900. JS Hfe)AND -CONDIMENT . U Has an Easy Time. The poet's life is ease In Lent You may depend upon It; On Easter rhymes no time Is spent For sonnet rhymes with bonnet. Detroit Free Press. COULDN'T SHAKE HIM. Bronco Eaxy to IUde as Featherbed, With Proper Precaution. A crowd had begun to gather. Appar ently the man, an entJre stranger, had never tried to ride a bucking bronco be fore. The animal threw down Its head, elt-vated its hind feet, and wriggled back ward. Then it reversed the process. Still the man, with a look of desperation on his face, hung on. "Bet 55 the beast throws him," ex claimed a voice. There were no takers. "Bet 5 it downs him in one round!" shouted the voice. Still no takers. The maddened animal meanwhile con tinued to buck, while the rider, with firmly-set jaws and gleaming eyeballs, still hung on with the energy of desperation. "When the bronco stood on its hind feet he clasped it around the neck. "When it stood on Its head he leaned back in the saca-e and grasped the animal with one hand by the tail. When It sprang sud denly to one side he -wrapped his long legs about its body and held on like an octo pus. And when it jumped up in the air and came down stiff-legged on all fours he went along and came back, somewhat shaken but unshaken. Presently the ani mal began to tire. Its lunges became less impassioned. "Bet $5 the man wins!" exclaimed the samo voice. No takers. "Bet 10 to 1 on the man!" said a dozen at once. No takers. The bronco was conquered. "Gentlemen," said the stranger, after he had recovered his breath. "It may sur prise you to learn that this Is the first time I ever tried to bust a bronco. I believe busting a bronco is the technical term, for the operation. If I am wrong, some one of you will please correct me. It is com monly supposed to require a great deal of skill and a long course of previous prac tice. It may occur to you, perhaps, that 1 have done it' on a bet Nothing could be farther from the truth. "Woa, you beast! Stand still! "To subduo a bucking bronco, gentle men, necessitates neither skill nor pre ilous preparation. It is one of the sim plest things In gymnastics, if you only know how. No unusual strength or activ ity Is needed. The process Is so simple that I hesitate to mention it. It consists solely in the use of a device If device it may be called by which I am enabled to remain In the saddle, no matter how hard the animal tries to throw me. You no ticed, doubtless, that I never left the saddle. I sat in this saddle as if I had grown to it. Well, gentlemen, I had. "Before I mounted this animal, now so meek and abject, I applied to my trou sers a small quantity of liquid glue. A few minutes only were required to hard en it thoroughly, and it would take the combined strength of several men now to drag me off this wretched ruin of a once proud bronco, unless the surcingle or my suspenders should give way. Xou may have thought It was really necessary for me to clasp my legs around the animal and to grasp him by the neck to save my self from being thrown, but it was not. I was stuck on him, as it were. "Now, understand me, friends, I do not recommend the use of liquid glue in horse back riding as a steady practice. It would be to expensive In the matter of trusers. I have only used it in this instance as an object lesson, to show you the remarkable adhesive qualities of this preparation, which I manufacture myself, and call Holdum's Celebrated Sticktlght It Is put up in bottles of two different sizes, retail ing, respectively, at 10 and 25 cents, and remember that I guarantee each and every bottle. If you are not satisfied after pur. chasing it, the money will be cheerfully refunded. "I am now going to my lodgings, which are In a quiet street, only a block or two away, where I have this unequaled prepa ration for sale, and where you will see me make an effort to separate myself from this poor creature, in which effort I shall probably fail." And he rode away, followed by the en tire crowd. Chicago Tribune. XO MORE PARADES FOR. H13I. One Experience of Mardl Grns, Clad in Armor, All He Wanted. They were discussing, Mardl Gras cele bration in the days of old Memphis. "That was the first time I was ever in a parade, and I hope the last," said a well-known railroad man. "Jim Brown and I had been selected as guards of honor, or some such thing, and we were going to do the thing up right. No costume in Memphis was good enough for us. We sent off to New York and had two suits of armor made, and came out as knights of old. "I never will forget that night. As we rode along In the procession the light was reflected from the tin armor, and made us feel that we were the whole thing. tAt the corner of Gayoso and Main streets my partner fell off his horse, and it sound ed like tho bottom had fallen out of a tin shop. The mules in the float behind got scared, and came near running away. I was afraid if I got off my horse to help him on that I would have to stay off. Spectators helped him, however, and the parade proceeded. "When it was over we climbed several flights of stairs to my rooms to get rid of the armor, which had become unbear able. As I walked I made as much noise as a tlnwnre peddler. When we reached the room I tried to relieve my partner first, but found that the fasteners were patented, and neither of us knew the combination. We sent for the men who had orderd them for us, and while the boy was looking for him. we spent the time in damning everybody and every thing. "The man arrived in about two hours, but the fasteners -were a fiddle to him. He ran over to the restaurant, and in a few minutes came back with a canopener, hatchet and pair of shears. He went to work, and after chopping and cutting and shearing, relieved us from our coat of tin. It -was then about 3 o'clock In the morning, and too late to go to any of the balls. I think the several hours I spent in that harness trying to get out were the most miserable of my life. No more parades for me, partner." Memphis Scimitar. PUT THE WAITER TO FLIGHT. Experience Tangrht the Drummer How to Deal With Him. A large man, whoso jolly, smooth shaven visage somehow called to mind pictures of those medieval monks who are always painted in close proximity to casks of wine, -walked Into a restaurant in the business district last evening and ordered a steak a la Creole. In due time it arrived and was deposited, piping hot, on the table, whereupon the large man proceeded to tuck a napkin under his collar and attacked the dish- with a quiet gusto that was- exhilarating to witness. He had disposed of perhaps a third, and was working hla way steadily through the remainder, when his waiter sauntered up from behind and leaned confidentially over his shoulder. "Steak all right sir?" he asked, in a tone of professional solici tude. "Eh?" exclaimed the large man, looking startled. Mwhafs that?" "I just asked whether tho steak was all right," replied the waiter. The large man laid down his knife and fork. "What do you think is the matter with it?" he inquired in an anxious un dertone. "Why w,hy nothin', I guess," said the waiter, beginning to get discon certed; "I was only asking, you know." "But what prompted you to ask?" urged the other. "I insist upon knowing what excited your suspicion that this steak was not what It should be?" "Oh, I dunno," muttered the waiter miserably; "I just asked, that's all." "But I had made no complaint," mused the large man, knitting his brows and facing around in his chair. "There's some mystery here, sure. Did you ask as a mat ter of private curiosity or as a" Be fore he could conclude the sentence the waiter broke away and fled headlong to the kitchen. The large man chuckled and resumed his attack on the steak. "It's like this." he said later to a man who had witnessed tho incident and was curious about it. "You see, I'm a drummer, and I live mostly at hotels and restaurants. There are lots of things about such a life that wear on a man. and one of them Is the way some waiters keep worrying you all through a meal for fear you'll forget they're on earth when it comes time to settle and tip. There is no earthly reason why any waiter should ever inquire whether a dish is satisfactory. If It isn't the guest will notify him, and he's there to remedy it. So when one of them begins asking me confidentially -whether this or that thing Is all right I usually squelch him with the little formula you have just listened to. It never fails to put 'em to flight." New Orleans Times-Democrat. "WHO SIXT THOT PICK?" Very Pardonable Cariosity of the Widow Houlihan. Dennis Houlihan, a public contractor and an ex-alderman, died. He had come over from Ireland when a boy, and from the bottom rung of the ladder had climbed through a series of failures and successes until at last ho was rewarded with riches in reasonable amount and political prefer ment beyond the dreams of his ancestors. The funeral was made notable by the many beautiful floral offerings sent by the business: and political friends of the de ceased. , When the widow came In for a farewell look at her honest spouse, she had enough of femmlne curiosity left to glance up, be tween the spasms of her lamentations, at the floral designs that surronuded the bier. "Arrah, Dlnny dear, ef yez cud on'y see th' purtles thot they hev brung yez!" 6he moaned. "O me! O my! Here be a pillow o' daisies, Dlnny boy, fer yez to' shlape on In paradise. An' here be th' gates o' jar thot "ill let yez in ter glory. (Sniffle, sniffle, sniffle.) An', O me! O my! Here be th' golden harrup made o' posies, Dlnny dear, but they didn't now as yez wuz th' musician on th' accordion, at all, at all. (More sniffle.) Yez" 'ill hev t learn th' harrup, Dlnny boy." The widow's curious eyes continued to take in the adornments of the mourning room with a tearful appreciation of the honors done her "Dlnny" in the hour of death. Suddenly she espied near the foot of the casket a large anchor of lilies. Not having nautical knowledge enough to un derstand the poetic significance "of the em blem, and bclr.g particularly sensitive as to the subject of her husband's humble origin, she lost her temper and forgot her grief in this impassioned inquiry: "Who th dlvil slnt thot pick?" Detroit Free Press. Careful Buyer. There were only four neighbors in Tucker's general store, at the crossing of the plank ridge and tho state road, when Silas Slosson entered. "How be ye, boys?" he said collec tively. "How be ye, Sir was the reply." "How's the ol' lady?" "Baout th' same; don't see much change." Silas crossed the store to the counter, behind which stood Tucker, his face wreathed In mercantile smiles, his fat hands pressed against the varnlshless ta ble. "Whaltel it be, Mlstur Slosson?" he asked. "Haow much ye glttln' fer C sugar?" replied the prospective customer. "Six cents." "Phew w w." wlilstled Silas, "gone up. ain't It? Didn't hev t' pay no sich finger fer t' las' I bo't" "Thet so?" inquired Tucker with sur prise. "Haow much d ye hev f giv?" "Five cents an' a half." "Thet so? Haow much ye want?" "Paound." Detroit Free Press. Expensive Cure. ''Went home Thursday night and found my wife 111. Symptoms alarming. Dosed her best I could. Friday morning she was no better. Felt worried. Wife dull and stupid. No life to her. Started for doc tor. Struck by happy thought Turned back. Cure complete." "What was It?" "Simple as pie. Just said. 'Tqo bad you have to be sick on bargain day, my dear.' She bounced up. 'What! she cried, 'how stupid of one to forget' In five minutes she was up and dressed and frizzing her hair." "Wouldn't It have been cheaper to have fetched the doctor?" "By Jove! I guess it would!" Cleveland Plain Dealer. Will Let "Well Enough Alone. Bobbs I sec that a man has Invented a typewriter that you just sit down and talk to and it writes out everything you say. Dobbs I guess I'll keep mine. She doesn't write everything I say, and I'm slad of it Baltimore American. HORRIFIED BRIDEGROOM. Ludicrous Revelation, of Sararlcal Operation on His Bride. I "Some of the queerest experiences of a doctor aro pretty certain to be connected t with the administration of anaesthetics," said a Dhyslclan. chatting the other day ; with a newspaper friend, "and apropos j of the subject I recall a little story that I don t mind telling, as the Incident oc curred long since and in another city. "A dozen years ago, when I was tem porarily located In St, Louis, I was called one day to the old Llndell Hotel, to give chloroform to a young woman who was about to undergo a slight surgical opera tion to remove a morbid growth in the ear. The patient, as it developed on my arrival? had been married only a few days before, and was in the city with her hus band, on. their bridal tour. Although quite handsome, she was no longer exact ly in her first youth, and she was very much averse to having her husband pres ent at the operation. However, he in sisted, and she finally agreed that he should stay, but I noticed that she seemed -very nervous and preoccupied. "The operation, as I said before, was trifling. She took the chloroform easily, and all went well until she was just re gaining consciousness, when she opened her mouth and out fell a set of false teeth. She had said nothing about that detail, and the truth was that she had hoped, poor woman, to pass through the ordeal without the fact of her wearing such things being known to her husband. But the effect on that individual was entirely unexpected. He gave one horrified glance, and then rushed at the old surgeon and seized him by the throat. 'You Infamous scoundrel!' he yelled, 'you have broken my poor darling's jaw!' "At that stage of affairs I beat a re treat I never did learn exactly what the husband thought had happened, or what sort of explanation was offered. New Orleans Times-Democrat PAT GAVE GOOD WEIGHT. Ills Manter8 Customer Got All There Was Due Him. Apropos of the ready comprehension and native wit attributed to the sons of Erin, this stands out in bold opposition. Pat rick was a clerk in a suburban grocery store. It was a busy season and the gro cer was waiting upon two or three cus tomers at the Fame time. He was in a hurry, and everything had to be where he could get it without much trouble, or he would be delayed and probably lose money, so when he found that the pound weight was gone he was bothered. "Patrick," he called out, "where's the pound weight?" "The pound weight, is It?" said Pat rick, complacently. "Sure, an' its Misther Jones that has the pound weight" "Mr. Jones has it? What do you mean by saying that Mr. Jones 'has the pound weight I thought that the pound weight s$$s "Wldder" Greene's Farewell. Tin goln' to die." says the Wldder Greene, "I'm goln' to quit this alrthly scene; 'Tain't no place for me to stay In such a world as 'tis today; Such works and ways is too much for me, Nobody can let nobody be. The girls Is flounces from top to toe. And that's the hull o' what they know. The men Is mad on bonds and stocks, Swearln' and shootln', and plckln locks; I'm real afraid I'll be hanged myself, Ef I ain't laid on my final shelf. There ain't a. cretur but knows today I never was a lunatic any way. But since the crasy folks all go free I'm dreadful afraid they'll hang up met There's another thing that's pesky hard I can't step Into a neighbor's yard TO say 'How be you?" or borrow a pin. But what the paperll have It In. 'We're pleased to say the Wldder Greene lxk dinner a Tuecday with Mrs. Keene.' Or, 'Our worthy friend Mrs. Greene has gone Down to Barkhamstead to see her son.' Great Jeruealem! can't I stir Without a raisin' some feller's fur? There ain't no privacy, so to say. No more'n If this was Judgment Day. And as for meetln' I want to nwear Every time I put my head In there. Why. even Old Hundred's spiled and done Like everything else under the sun. It 'used to be so solemn an wlow, "Praise to the Lord from men below Now It goes like a gallopln steer. High diddle diddle! there an here. No respect to the Lord above. No mors'n ef He was haivd an' glove 'With all the creturs he ever made. And all the Jlga that ever was played. Preachln', too but here I'm dumb; But I tell you what! I'd like It some If good old Parson Nathan Strong Out of his -grave would come along. An give us a stlrrln" taste o' nre Judgment an justice Is my desire. 'Taint all love an dlckish sweet That makes this world or t'other complete. But lawj I'm old! I'd better be dead When the world's a turnln' over my bead; Sperlta talkln' like tarnal fool. Bibles kicked out o deestrlct schools. Crazy creturs a-murderln round Honest folks'd better be under the ground. So fare ye well! this alrthly scene No more'll be pestered by Wldder Greene." Baltimore Sun. From "The Lost Creek Lyre." The editor of the Lost Creek Lyre thus starts a newly married couple down the rosy path of wedded bliss: May Cupid's hand forever strew Your nuptial path with big Jack rose, And ever coat with honey dew The ripe, red lips beneath your noses. May not a cloud of discord rise To darken your felicitation. And may there never be no flies Upon your sweet domestication. Thanka for the dollar ye blew In (Receipt for which Is hereby given). To rouse ye editor's glad grin And wake ye muss Inspired of heaven. This touching obituary verse appears in the last issue of our high-altitude con temporary, the Lost Creek Lyre: Another from our ranks hath went Across the so-called -mystic river Another old-time resident Hath gone from trouble with his liver. The ivul from out Its prison fled And went, we trust, direct to heaven. Leaving the body still and dead. At twenty minutes past eleven. (Mountain time.) Denver Post Ladle AH. The houselady in her anger said To the chamberlady, "I'll break your head For breaking that um I prised so high." And the chamberlady said, "'Twasn't I! 'Twas the rooklady broke It!" but she denied The'soft Impeachment: was satisfied 'Twas the washlady did It, and she, in turn, Averred that the ssrublady broke the urn. And there they wrangled and stamped their feet Till the old beggarlady across the etreet Told the peanutlady and lady who Was selling apples a nick for two That th ladles engaged In the noisy fray Behaved in a quite unladylike way. And the colored raglady from garbage bar"l ncxnarkcd'lt's scan'lous way ladles Ml quar'l!" Denver Evening Peat stayed In tho store. How did Mr. Jones SQ it?" M w "An' shure, didn't yes tell me, to be perllto to the rlgular customers?" "Of course." "Well, thin, Misther Jones comes in to the store for a pound of tay. An', says ho, whin I axed him what quality of tay he wud have: Whativer yez give me,' says he, 'give me the weight So I put tho pound weight in the package of tay, perlite like, an' it's himself that's gone with It" Memphis Scimitar. FOREGOXE CONCLUSION. He Didn't Know That She Had Stacked the Cards. With a gesture expressive of firm reso lution, as if the affair were quite settled, the Countess Madeline pointed to her lacquered Japanese cabinet that shim mered in the lamplight and said very gravely: "Open one of those three drawers, Val entine, and be sure that you choose the right one. Each drawer contains an an swer to the prayer which you have ad dressed to me for the past six months. If you open that which contains the answer 'Yob.' I will be yours and will marry you as soon as you please. But take care that you do not get .the wrong answer, for if you do you will never see mo again." "Alas!" said Valentine, "there are two chances to one against me. How cruel you are, my darling!" "Well," said' the Countess, "if I marry you I can at least lay the blame on fate." The young man hesitated a long time. His hand wandered from drawer to drawer, not venturing to touch any, and his heart sank with the fear of choosing wrongly. At last he shut his eyes and opened a drawer at hazard. Oh, rapture! the little piece of pink pa per, when unfolded, disclosed to his glad eyes the exquisite word "Yes." In ecstasy he clasped tho blushing Madeline in his arms and covered her face with kisses. She did not deny him. Valentine, being but a bashful swain, never knew that he had bucked up against a foregone conclusion. The three drawers that had held his cards of fate had been "stacked." Collier's Weekly. Bill Fletcher's Brains. Bill Fletcher a lineman for the Michigan Telenhone Company, doesn't like to wear a hat on hot days. A kind-hearted old lady saw Bill one hot day near Saline digging away bareheaded at a posthole. So she went Into the house and got one of her husband's old hats. "It's too bad you haven't got a hat; take this one." said she: and, not wishing to offend her, Bill accepted the proffer. When the job was completed, he went to the door, and, thanking her. said that he could not keep the hat "But you must keep it" she said. "You will bake your brains out if you don't wear something over your head this hot weather. "Oh, no, I won't," said BUI. "I haven't got any brains. If I had I wouldn't be digging postholcs." Criterion. POEMS WORTH READING To 2Ir. Markhiun. When Edwin Markham wrote the "Man With the Hoe," a poem requiring a woodcut reproduction of a great painting, and thereby stumping the country papers, we bowed down and published his poem as worthy to bo printed in space not needed for some local observation. But now that Mr. Markham is going down into his barrel for copy and is putting on the market any old rubbish, we have lost a great deal of our admiration for tho vlllfier of the agriculturist Mark ham slings a few disjointed sentences to gether, collects cablegram rates and waits for the next inspiration. If a Philadelphia publisher had ordered a poem on "A Sorrel Mule," for instance, he would have been supplied by return mail with something like the following, for which we unhappily cannot find bid ders at any price: THE SOP.REL MULE. The color of the sky at sunset or of leaves Just tinged with Autumn's splendid hue; A mane like grass which bows before the ocythe. And bristles on his tall like stubble fields; His voice the deep hoarse bellow of the eca; Tolerance and equity were seated In his mltn. And In his heels Is where Jove's lightning sat. He mvecd and .meditated, paused awhile. And flicked an Inject from his dejp-s arred side. And grazed upon the hcrbnge round his feet Oh hybrid! twenty centuries are bond In thee; Fleet Arabs spurning dew upon the plains; Wild as."es ramping on the Grampian Hills; While you plow the furrows on the field, A quadruped until into oblivion There sinks with you the finis of your race. O man! O'mule! O Ineffectual blend! What deep significance we find In this. Pocahontas Times. To Her Mirror. My love has said that I am fair. He finds me fair to view; My Jove has praised my golden hair, Has praised my eyes of blue. He vows that I am beautiful All other maids above. I only know I am content Because I please my love." And If he swear that I am fair, I would, not fairer be; And If he praise my golden hair, Tis praise enough for me; And If I do but please my love, .'Tib all I ask to know; And thus I am all maids above. In that he tells me so. My dear love tells me so. My love has said I am his fair, My lover loves me true; My love has stroked my golden hair. Has ktwed my eyes of blue; He vows that I am worshipful All other maids above. In very sooth It must be truth, Since -I have won my love. And If he swear that I am fair I could not fairer be; And if he klra my eyes and hair 'Tis sweet content to me. And If I can but charm my love Naught else I seek to know; And thus I am all maids above Because be loves me so. My true love loves me so. Mall and Express. Did It Ever Occur to YouT Did It ever occur to you. When the sun shone clear, you did not fear. To lay your umbrella aside. That In lees than an hour up came a shower. And drenched you clear to the hide? Did It ever occur to you. That a woman's long skirt, sweeping up-the dirt. You happen to walk behind. Step on It and tear It, accidentally (you swear It), Yet she gives you a piece of her mind?- Did It ever occur to you, That if you thought for a minute, and there ' was anything in It You could, for a month or two, Write rhymes like these, and carmnoney with ease Did it ever occur to you? S. S. B, In Philadelphia Inquirer. CHASED HIM A MILE, Unfortunate Milesian Allusion by a Political Speaker. Dr. James' Walker, a well-known physl cfan of San Francisco, In discussing the necessity of tact In political life, tells the following incident: "We had a candidate one year for re election, a Congressman. It was a very close fight, and everything depended upon holding all our voters together. The cam paign was to end with a mass meeting, where the candidate was to be the chief speaker. The committee had discovered that the enemy had made a slight in- ' road upon some of the Irish voters, and ' warned the speakers to be extremely care- j fill In all their rpferpnrps tr fho V.mor.iM I Isle and Its people. The Congressman, when spoken to, drew himself up proud ly and said: " 'Leave it to my discretion, gentlemen. I will not offend them. I will charm them.' "And "he did. "On the closing night he said, almost at I tne Degmning or nis oration: 'I am glad to see so many here tonight who come from the little green island beyond the sea, the land of Tom Moore and Father Prouty, of romance and of verse. Ameri cans can never be too grateful to the Irish race for what It has performed In the New World. The names of Patrick Henry and Generals Montgomery and Sheridan will go ringing down through the corridors of time. And America has often tried to express her gratitude. When the great famine threatened death to Ireland, she sent provisions by the shipload across the sea, and here in this, our city, where' American ingenuity has Invented the street sweeper, which does the work of 50 Irish men, who formerly performed this task, we have kindly and appropriately called It the steam paddy. "There was a shout, a yell, a crash and the meeting was broken up forever. I be lieve that the Infuriated Milesians chased the candidate a mile." Philadelphia Post. THE WRETCH I But She Knew Just Hon- to Get That Tnilor-Made Gown. "You remember," he was saying, "the day I missed the word in the spelling, and you didn't go above me because you missed It, loo." She didn't even lean toward him. She didn't go over to the window and beat a nervous little tattoo on one of the panes with her delicate Angers. "And then," ho went on, "those" sum mer days when we, with alder rods and pin hooks, used to go fishing for minnows In the little creek. .You used to wear such funny little gingham aprons then." She didn't give a little laugh in her throat, but he didn't seem to notice it "And do you remember the day I I asked you? How I found you up in the apple tree and kept you there almost an hour until you promised? How you re minded me that the limbs of that particu- 3S 2Sl The Choristers. There's a little band of singers Every evening comes and lingers 'Neath the window of my cottage In the trees; And with dark they raise their voices. While the gathering night rejoices. , And the leaves Join In the chorus ""with the breeze. Then the twinkling ctars come out To enjoy the merry rout. And the squirrels range themselves upon a. leg; And the fireflies furnish Hrht. That they read their notes aright The katydid, the cricket and the frog. All the night I hear them singing; Through my head their tunes are ringintr Strains of music straight from MotheV Nature's heart; Now the katydid and cricket From the deep of yonder thicket; Then the croaking frog off yonder 'drones his part By and by the moon appears. As the midnight hour nears. And her smiles dispel the low'rlng mist and fog; Then the mirth is at its height And they glorify the night The katydid, the cricket and the frog. Atlanta Constitution. Don't Know Whom He'll Meet. A cunnel of the Blue Graes Lay groaning on his cot; There was lots of woman's nursing, There were Juleps cool or hot; . And a pistol lay berfde him. As he tossed and tumbled there, With the handle quite Inviting For his Angers long and spare. Thon there came a pale reporter, Who beheld the ready gun As It caught the shining splendor Of the clory of the sun; And he paused and mutely wondered O'er the wherefore and the why. Till the proud and haughty cunnel Caught the question In his eye. ' Feebly then he raised the weapon. And he rattled as he said: "Sah. a cunnel of th Blue Gras3 Is a gentleman when dead; So I hang fas' to mah gun, sah" Here .his pulses ceased to beat " 'Cause I don't know whar I'm goln' An' I don't know whom I'll meet!" Cleveland Plain Dealer. Faces In the Street. .They lie. the men who tell us In a loud, de- ' clslve tone That want la here a stranger, and that misery's unknown; For where the nearest suburb and the cltj proper meet My window sill Is level with the faces In the street Drifting past drifting past Ta the beat of weary feet While I sorrow for the owneis of these faces In the street. And cause I have to sorrow. In a land so young and fair, To see upon those faces stamped the look of Want and Care; I look In vain for traces of the fresh and fair and sweet In sallow, sunken faces that aro drifting through the street Drifting on, drifting on, To the scrape of reatless feet; I can sorrow for the owners of the faces In the street. London Dally Mall. College Graduate. Although a beggar clad In rags, Refinement on his features sate; "Pray lift me from the mire," he said, "I'm a college graduate." I thought of all the kicks of life. The bitter blows of unjust fate; The thousand stings of tortured pride. That plagued this college graduate. I thought of these; and then I said, "Friend, take this coin; It Is not great; But with It goes the blessing of Another college graduate." He took the coin, and I could see How bitterly desire and pride "Were struggling la the bosom of The beggar standing by my side. I clasped his hand. "Comrade," I asked, "What college gave you your degrecsT' He brushed a tear away and sobbed, "A barber's college. It you please!' San Francisco Wave. lar tree were not provided with cushions and how you Implored me to go behind the woodshed until you got down? And" "Harold," she Interrupted, with no tears in her voice worth speaking of, "while shopping today, I saw the moat adorable tailor-made and and " "Oh, yes," he broke in, almost savage ly, "you can have it, I suppose. When ever a man's in good humor you" She put her arms around his neck and kissed him. "You're a dear, good, old, cross bear," she said. And then, like many another wretch of a husband under llko circumstances, he tried to look pleasant and think swear words at the same time. Philadelphia Inquirer. KXBW HU3IAN NATURE. Maine Lawyer's InHlght Helped Him In Real Estate Deal. A good lawyer learns many lessons In the school of human nature, and thus it was that Lawyer Hackett did not fear to purchase a tract of land which had been "lawed" over for years. Some of tha people wondered why he wanted to get hold of property with such an incubus of uncertainty upon It Oth ers thought that perhaps he wanted some legal knitting work, and would pitch in red-hot to fight that fence Una question on his own hook. That's what the owner of the adjoining land thought. So he braced himself for trouble when he saw Hackett across the fields one day. Said Hackett: "What's your claim here, anyway, as to this fence?" "I Insist," replied the neighbor, "that your fence is over on my land two feet at one end and one foot at least at the other." "Well," replied Hackett, "you can go ahead just as quick as you can and set your fence over. At the end where you say I encroach on you two feet set the fence on my land four feet. At the other end push it on my land two feet" "But," persisted the neighbor, "that's twice what I claim." "I don't care about that," said Hackett. "There's been fight enough over this land. I want you to take enough so you are perfectly satisfied, and then we can get along pleasantly. Go ahead and help yourself." The man paused abashed. He had been ready to commence the old struggle tooth and nail, but this move of the new neigh bor stunned him. Yet he wasn't to be out done in generosity. He" looked at Hack ett. "Squire," said he, "that fence ain't going to be moved an Inch. I don't want the land. There wan't nothing In the fight, anyway, but the principle of the thing." Lewlston Journal. Matter of Precaution. State Senator Frank W. Maynard, of New Hampshire, has just, returned to his home in Nashua from Louisville, Ky., where he attended tho annual conven tion of the Merchant Tailors' National Exchange. He arrived in Kentucky Just after the shooting of Mr. Goebel, and witnessed the excitement which followed. During his stay in Louisville he was in troduced to Colonel Jack Chlnh, and he tells an amusing story of their meeting. "We were Introduced," said Senator Maynard, "by a mutual friend, and I no ticed that Colonel Chlnn extended his left hand to -me. At the time I thought It a bit queer, but after I saw him do the same thing with several other men I came to the conclusion that he was left-handed. Perhaps my face Indicated my surprise at his manner of shaking hands, for he turned to me a few minutes later and re marked: "You have noticed, perhaps, that I shake hands with my left hand? Well, we have grown accustomed to that dur ing the past few days. You see, we like to keep our right hands close to our pis tol pockets just now." Boston Globe. Literary Bveninir In Georgia. An exchange prints the following inter esting announcement of "A Literary Evening": "We are pleased to announce that a lit erary evaning will be given on Wednes day next for the benefit of the new school bell, which has just arrived by freight and which was duly paid by the trustees. The now bell, which Is a thing of beauty and a noise forever, is certainly worthy of a literary evening the best that we can get up. There will be a hot supper and recitations from Byron; Ice cream and Termyson. at 10 cents a plate; selections from Bill Arp's writings and baked pos sum; also dancing to the music of the town band, which has recovered from the pneumonia. A large attendance is expected." Atlanta Constitution. A Bit Rouprh. In the course of the fearful march of the Irish Fusiliers from .Dundee to Ladysmith the men were much fatigued, owing to tha rough journey. One man In particular stumbled along as if walking In his sleep. An officer passed. "Sir," asked Michael, "what country Is this at all we're marching over?" "Tho Natal table-land, my .man," was the reply. "Bedad, sir." said Pat, "I think the ta ble's turned upside down and we're walk ing over the legs of it" Answers. What's in a Name. There is more truth than poetry In the following: Call a girl a chick and she smiles; call a woman a hen and she howls. Call a young woman a witch and sho Is pleased: call an old woman a witch and she Is Indignant Call a girl a kitten and she rather likes It; call a woman a cat and she hates you. Women are queer. If you call a man a gay dog. It will flatter him; call him a pup. a hound or a cur, and he will try to alter the map of your face. He doesn't mind being called a bull or a near, yet he will object to being mentioned as a calf or a cub. Men are queer, too. St. Paul Globe. She Caught On. "This love letter that you wrote me," she said, and then paused Inquiringly. "Well, what of It?" he asked. "I notice." she answered, "that it has been manifolded." "Hang it all!" he exclaimed, as he jammed his hat down on his head and started for the door. "I never did believe in giving a woman a business education." Chicago Post oh: Lady After you have cut the wood I will show you the bulldog Sandy Pikes What! By the knight of hobos, I'm off. Lady Walt! When you have finished cutting the wood I will show you the bulldog-toed shoes you may have. New York Evening World. Completely Suhjusrated. Philadelphia Press. "Poor old Henpeck leads a dog's life with his wife." "Well, why on earth doesn't he apply for a divorce?" "He says he wanted to, but she wouldn't let him." ' nail I , Hall to the man who makes the speed But often, far away. There Is a greater, out of reach, "Who tells him. what to say. Washington Star. PYTHIAS PLAYED IX LUCK. Damon, However, Toole Chances on the Cable Breaking. "Pa," asked a North Side boy, "who was Pythias?" "Oh, he was a fellow who lived long, long ago in a country where there was a cruel King. This King had sentenced a man to death, and the condemned asked to be allowed to go home and say good-by to his wife, but the King wouldn't let hint out because he couldn't give ball. Along: about that time Pythias stepped up and said he would consent to be executed in the other fellow's place, if the latter didn't return on time. So they let him out for four hours and Pythias put on the hand cuffs. "Along about 15 minutes before It was time for Damon, who was Pythias' run ning mate, to return, Pythias began to have that tired feeling. At 10 minutes before the hour set for the beheading Pythias stood on his other leg and said: Til bet ?3 Damon's wife'll keep him so long at the door saying good-by that ha won't get back in time.' "But nobody would take the bet. Then the King and the people he had Invited got out behind the Courthouse, and Py thias was led around so there wouldn't be any delay when the performance was to begin. It was then 3:5S, and Pythias began to think he was up against it " 'This Is the last time I'll ever do any body a favor of this kind,' he said. " 'It's beginning to look that way,' says the King. He was a ruler who enjoyed a Joke. "In about a minute more the time limit would expire. Pythias was beginning to feel like a man who lives in the suburbs and Is two blocks from the station when, the last train Is due. The executioner ran his thumb along the eage of his ox and the King got hold of a Dell rope, so he could register all right when the thing was done; but just then Damon came back, running with all his might, and the King was so overcome with admiration for him that he was pardoned ngnt there." After the child had thought hard for a moment he said: "Gol, pa, wasn't it lucky for Pythias that the cable didn't happen to break or the bridge didn't get swung when Da mon was coming back?" Chicago Times Herald. W1IEX SHELDON IS EDITOR. Points on How to Run a Truly Good Newspaper. "During the temporary absence of tho circulation llor, wo desire to state that the circulation of this paper is 2300 by ac tual count" "Ten-dollar suits at Wagstaff's for $4 SO, this week only. (N. B. We have person ally exmalned these suits and find they are not worth 30 cents. Editor.)" "A A'ery bad man was arrested last even ing for doing something wrong. We pub lish no crimes In this paper, therefore will merely state that he promised to be good and go back to work. Last week he was foreman on this paper." "Wanted A woman for general house work. Time allowed for Bible reading and prayer meeting." "One of the reporters of this journal was assaulted by a stranger Yesterday afternoon. He turned the other cheek. Later on the stranger was taken to the City Hospital, where they took him in." "Mr. Howe, editor of the Atchison Globe, who Is temporarily filling Mr. Shel don's pulpit, while he Is engaged with this Journal, will preach on Sunday upon 'The Printer's Devil.' " "Use Smith's pills. They" will reduco your head to Its normal size. (The editor has had occasion to use these pills and found them all that is claimed.)" "Wanted A Christian young man to saw wood. One who goes to Sunday School preferred. No pay, but good society." St. Paul Globe. Ready for the Flrinjr Party. It was a snowy, windy night, and Pri vate Malony, on guard, quickly got chilled. The snow drifted Into-his sentry box until. In sheer desperation, he moved that ruda shelter to a sloping position in the lee of a buttress of the wall. From a locker at the foot of the flagstaff he abstracted a large Union Jack, and, strapping this around him, he crept Into the box and tried to make himself comfortable. The time seemed dreadfully long, and presently Malony dozed off to sleep, to ba awakened later by the flash of a lantern in his ej es. Looking up, he found the vis iting rounds', and the Sergeant eying him with astonishment. "What's the meaning of this?" demand ed the officer sternly, but Malony did not disturb himself. "Shure," he replied, "I thought ye'd left me to freeze to death, so fer convenience I jest laid meself out in this ould coffin, an bedad ye can plaze yerself about call in out the firing party an' going on with the funeral." Answers. Ample Apologry. A hereditary rivalry exists between the Black Watch and the Rifle Brigade, and It Is a menace to the peace of these two regiments to be stationed in the samo town. A soldier of the Black Watch at a theater, In passing a private of the rltle Brigade, stepped heavily, and, perhaps, In tentldnally, upon the foot of the latter. Up sprang the rifleman. "You stepped on my foot!" he hissed, menacingly. "Well," said the Highlander, apologet ically, "I did my best to leap ower it but a HIelanmon la only human, e'en when he's one of the Black Watch. I'm Ina a kangaroo." Weekly Telegrayh.