December 1 9 ,1990-The Portland Observer- Page 5
HERS
OPINION
could have been perceived as suggestive
that might have enticed her assailant?”
or “ how short was the dress she was
wearing on the date?’ ’ are inevitable, as
if these questions might give some type
of insight to the situation or to the rea
sons why she was raped. Not only is the
victim somehow responsible for the action
taken against her, but with so many
people pointing finger, it is only natural
for the victim to point accusingly at
herself as well.
Women are their children’s first
and foremost instructors in life. Al
though 1 can only imagine that this is a
desired and rewarding position, I cannot
help to think it is also a heavy load to
carry. If that child reveals that he-she is
homosexual, society wants to know what
snort dress or a habit/religious garment
and still be raped. You cannot control
Before we say Auld Lang Syne
another person’s life, only your own.
to the past year and herald in the new, it
There is a notable difference
is important to lay a solid foundation for
between feeling bad and feeling guilty
a healthier and happier life by finally
which should be discussed. Feeling bad
letting go of guilt and blame.
is a temporary feeling. As my cousin
What a guilt-ridden society we
likes to put it, “ you are dealing with a
live in. In a way, it is like a double-
here-and-now situation. You deal with
edged sword. On one side you have a
it and then it’s in the gone.” Feeling
society that reinforces guilt and blame
guilty is an ongoing state of mind. It is
to maintain order and to keep chaos at a
a long-term condition that has its roots
minimum level. And on the opposite
in the past. The situation may be re
side of the blade you have guilt in the
solved anywhere between a year or longer,
form of a self-inflicted, self-punishing
sometimes never.
state of mind. The combination makes
Letting go of guilt and blame is
for a lethal weapon.
such an important step for a better life
This metaphor holds true for
because both have a way of crippling
many, but especially for women. Woman
you from doing the things that will move
suffer from external
you forward. The
and internal guilt and
affect causes you
blame because o f the
to live in the past
role(s) we play in this
and
this can only
Letting go of guilt and blame requires the courage to forgive,
society. Cirmcum-
bring
you down.
especially the self, and to seek answers for the future.
stances and situations
You wind up
are placed at the fee-
subconsciously
tof women more of
sabotaging your
ten because we openly express our feel the parent did to create such an unnatu career and family success by hanging on
ings, making for an easy target for retali ral affliction. The mother will not only
to it.
ation or rebuttal from others. And since
receive the most blame, but she then
The best way to let go of guilt
women bear more responsibilites in
will wonder if letting him/her do things
and blame is to make changes in your
American culture, it is no wonder why
that didn’t coincide with their gender,
life. Change is the first step to a brighter
we then succumb so easily to self-guilt.
like a male child playing with a doll,
tuture because it allows for you to con
Rape is an excellent example
somehow contributed to her child’s sexual
trol the outcome. Whether it’s making
of the dual-edged effect of guilt and
orientation. In addition to that, when the
amends for a wrongdoing or seeking
blame. If a woman is raped in this
child is involved with the wrong side of professional support to aid your through
country she is treated as if she somehow
the law, what’s the first thing people
a tough crisis, a positive change can help
“ asked for it” . For those of us who are
want to know? Where was the mother
build a stronger and better you while re
more sensitive to this issue and under when her child was running the streets,
establishing control.
stand the dynamics of rape, we know
and why didn’t she do something to
Personally, I think that it is ex
that the victim is in no way to blame for prevent her child from shooting that tremely easy to place blame upon others
the perpetrator’s violent action. But
gang member?
and upon the self. Judgements and
nevertheless, she is held liable because
Although these examples are
superior attitudes are readily available
somehow she must have done some different, they do have one thing in by most and require no forethought or
thing to provoke him. Her morality is common. The outcome couldn’t be
solutions to whatever prevailing ailments.
questioned as well as her style of dress.
controlled and people blame themselves
Letting go of guilt and blame requires
Her past sexual life is brought up as a
for the results. You can raise your child
the courage to forgive, especially the
point of reference as to define her stan in a heterosexual environment, but that self, and to seek answers for the future.
dards of morality and her quality of life.
doesn’t always ensure that hc/she will
Not always an easy task, but it is neces
Questions like “ was anything said that be heterosexual. You could also wear a sary in order to heal, and more impor
tantly, it is possible!
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BY ULLYSSES TUCKER, JR.____
eradicate this guilt or change my par
ents’ perception about me when they
were already gone? Though they were
deceased, I decided that it was now time
to make them proud of me with my
actions and behavior. I graduated from
high school, attended college, secured
three degrees in Communications, and
put myself in an economic position to
help other family members interested in
helping themselves. Today, they would
have to be proud of my achievements
and accomplishments. They would be
proud of my community involvement
and values. I can live with myself, now.
I can look up in the sky today and smile
because I believe in my heart that they
have changed their perception about me.
I do not blame myself anymore.
me awhile to leant that it was not always
about me being the problem. Today, if
Many people would be shocked,
I do not secure the type of positions I at
more than likely, at the amount of time
tempted to earlier in my corporate life,
they spend on being angry, feeling guilty,
it’s no big deal because I know that I
blaming others for their shortcomings,
have a sound educaiton, excellent skills
or fears. If people arc ever going to learn
in many areas of my profession, and
how to love, it is imperative that they
more importantly. I’m most qualified.
learn to let go of these negative emo
If I do not get the job, it’s not because of
tions and feelings. The guilt premise is
my shortcomings or lack of ability. It’s
based on a fictional belief that either you
usually because of factors that are out of
or another individual deserve to be pun
my control or realm of influence. Again,
ished. It has been suggested by some
I do not blame myself anymore or feel
scholars that the ego’s need for punish
guilty.
ment is so great that people become so
The same thing holds true with
preoccupied with all the things they
relationships. Over the years, I’ve had
have done wrong. A part of people tells
some good and bad ones. All people
them that they or others deserve to be
make mistakes and the biggest one that
punished and to suffer because of the
I ever made was blaming myself for
wrongdoings perpe
them not working.
trated. Blame is the
No one person
essential reason for
blows a marriage
this guilt. People
People attempt to change others by blaming them or
or relationship.
attempt to change
making them feel guilty, while denying their own guilt in
Letting go of guilt
others by blaming
the process.
and anger can
them or making
really change a
them feel guilty,
person’s attitude,
while denying their own guilt in the
Furthermore, I use to blame judgement, relationship with others, and
process.
myself for not obtaining certain jobs
put them on the road to happiness. I can
As an insecure youngster, I with major corporations or institutions.
speak from firsthand experience. If people
blamed myself for the death of my mother,
I used to think that 1 did not get the job
choose to love instead of automatically
who died of cancer. I blamed myself because of something I said, did not say,
blaming themselves or others, they will
because other people in my family sug or how 1 dressed, perhaps. Why blame
be much happier and open to receive
gested that my criminal behavior led to myself? Again, my self-esteem was to
what we all desire/need: love. Keep
her demise. This was a heavy burden to
the point where I had to be the blame or peace in your heart and love on your
carry around, emotionally, because it
it had to be my fault, it always was. As
mind. Remember, past experiences
was consistently being reinforced by the
noted last week, self-esteem is very
should be a guide post, not a hitching
people I cared about the most, my fam important and essential to eliminating
post for guilt and blame.
ily. Sure, I was a terrible kid, but 1 didn’t the feelings of guilt and blame. It took
stop my mother from going to treatment
when she was supposed to or force her to
maintain a lifestyle that did not enhance
her physical condition. She, along with
my father, went to their graves with a
negative perception of me. My mind
was an emotional wasteland and the
high levels of guilt eroded what little
One of the Northwest Largest Wig Displays
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Ride Tri-Met Free
All Tri-Met rides are free after 6
p.m. on New Year’s Eve as a reminder
that Tri-Met is a safe alternative to drink
ing and driving all year long. In addition,
extra late-night service will be added to
several major bus lines and MAX, in
hopes that even more people will cele
brate safely.
Those celebrating the new year should
note that the last buses of the night will
leave the Portland Mall at 2:32 a.m. The
last MAX train will leave PioneerCourt-
house Square at 2:36 a.m. Special, late-
night buses will be added on these Tri-
Met lines:
5-Hawthomc, to Foster and 96th
5-Intcrstatc, to Vancouver
9-Broadway, to Saratoga and 27th
9-Powcll, to Powell and 98th A ve
nue
12-Barbur Blvd., to Tigard Transit
Center
12-Sandy Blvd., to Sandy and 95th
15-Mt. Tabor, to Gateway Transit
Center
15-N.W. 23rd Avenue, to Montgom
ery Park
57-Forcst Grove, to Forest Grove
Most Tri-Met lines usually make
their last rips at 11:32 p.m. or 12:32 a.m.
on weekday nights. The later bus trips
amount to more than 30 hours of extra
Tri-Met service. But, as Tri-Met General
Manager James E. Cowen said, “ It’s a
small price to pay if we save some lives
that night.”
The 60 Tri-Met drivers who spend
New Year’s on the road will be wearing
“ No Thanks, I’m Driving” buttons to
signify drug-and alcohol-free celebra
tions. And throughout the holidays, all
Tri-Met buses will sport red ribbons as
part of Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s
“ Tie One On For Safety” campaign.
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Mon - Fr. 10 a.m. - 6 p.m.
Saturday 10 - 5:30 pm
Near Lloyd Center
282-1664
1105
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Broadway Hair Weevers and Designers
will be offering X-Mas Specials Starting
Dec. 1,1990 thru Jan. 1,1991
Curls $50.00
Reg. $65-$75
Relaxers $35.00
Reg. $45 & Up
10% off on partial weeves
15% off on full weeves
Free condlton or hair trim on press and curls
Nalls Full Set $35.00
Reg: $45.00
M anicure $8.00
Reg. $12.00
M y name Is Levi Russell. I am an ex
perienced housing rehabilitation spe
cialist and home remodeling Inspector.
I advise homeowners In making Im
provements to their homes, correcting
code violations, selection and quality of
materials, selection of contractors, and
estimating cost of Improvements.
I also perform house Inspections for
home buyers. For more Information,
stop by 5852 N.E. 42nd Ave. and celebrate the Holidays with
Hattie Porter
Fletiard Grisby
Carolyn Stoudamire
Ethel Bates-Bailey
Karol Davidson
call 289-3648.
I ftÇ/ LflRG
31 NW FIRST
2 2 3 991
December
Wed. 19
L IP T O I II»
Tliurs. 20
SHELIA
AM ) THE
FIREW O RK S
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Mnn. 24 X lues. '
(Mei ia
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I
M A A
...........*