December 1 9 ,1990-The Portland Observer- Page 5 HERS OPINION could have been perceived as suggestive that might have enticed her assailant?” or “ how short was the dress she was wearing on the date?’ ’ are inevitable, as if these questions might give some type of insight to the situation or to the rea­ sons why she was raped. Not only is the victim somehow responsible for the action taken against her, but with so many people pointing finger, it is only natural for the victim to point accusingly at herself as well. Women are their children’s first and foremost instructors in life. Al­ though 1 can only imagine that this is a desired and rewarding position, I cannot help to think it is also a heavy load to carry. If that child reveals that he-she is homosexual, society wants to know what snort dress or a habit/religious garment and still be raped. You cannot control Before we say Auld Lang Syne another person’s life, only your own. to the past year and herald in the new, it There is a notable difference is important to lay a solid foundation for between feeling bad and feeling guilty a healthier and happier life by finally which should be discussed. Feeling bad letting go of guilt and blame. is a temporary feeling. As my cousin What a guilt-ridden society we likes to put it, “ you are dealing with a live in. In a way, it is like a double- here-and-now situation. You deal with edged sword. On one side you have a it and then it’s in the gone.” Feeling society that reinforces guilt and blame guilty is an ongoing state of mind. It is to maintain order and to keep chaos at a a long-term condition that has its roots minimum level. And on the opposite in the past. The situation may be re­ side of the blade you have guilt in the solved anywhere between a year or longer, form of a self-inflicted, self-punishing sometimes never. state of mind. The combination makes Letting go of guilt and blame is for a lethal weapon. such an important step for a better life This metaphor holds true for because both have a way of crippling many, but especially for women. Woman you from doing the things that will move suffer from external you forward. The and internal guilt and affect causes you blame because o f the to live in the past role(s) we play in this and this can only Letting go of guilt and blame requires the courage to forgive, society. Cirmcum- bring you down. especially the self, and to seek answers for the future. stances and situations You wind up are placed at the fee- subconsciously tof women more of­ sabotaging your ten because we openly express our feel­ the parent did to create such an unnatu­ career and family success by hanging on ings, making for an easy target for retali­ ral affliction. The mother will not only to it. ation or rebuttal from others. And since receive the most blame, but she then The best way to let go of guilt women bear more responsibilites in will wonder if letting him/her do things and blame is to make changes in your American culture, it is no wonder why that didn’t coincide with their gender, life. Change is the first step to a brighter we then succumb so easily to self-guilt. like a male child playing with a doll, tuture because it allows for you to con­ Rape is an excellent example somehow contributed to her child’s sexual trol the outcome. Whether it’s making of the dual-edged effect of guilt and orientation. In addition to that, when the amends for a wrongdoing or seeking blame. If a woman is raped in this child is involved with the wrong side of professional support to aid your through country she is treated as if she somehow the law, what’s the first thing people a tough crisis, a positive change can help “ asked for it” . For those of us who are want to know? Where was the mother build a stronger and better you while re­ more sensitive to this issue and under­ when her child was running the streets, establishing control. stand the dynamics of rape, we know and why didn’t she do something to Personally, I think that it is ex­ that the victim is in no way to blame for prevent her child from shooting that tremely easy to place blame upon others the perpetrator’s violent action. But gang member? and upon the self. Judgements and nevertheless, she is held liable because Although these examples are superior attitudes are readily available somehow she must have done some­ different, they do have one thing in by most and require no forethought or thing to provoke him. Her morality is common. The outcome couldn’t be solutions to whatever prevailing ailments. questioned as well as her style of dress. controlled and people blame themselves Letting go of guilt and blame requires Her past sexual life is brought up as a for the results. You can raise your child the courage to forgive, especially the point of reference as to define her stan­ in a heterosexual environment, but that self, and to seek answers for the future. dards of morality and her quality of life. doesn’t always ensure that hc/she will Not always an easy task, but it is neces­ Questions like “ was anything said that be heterosexual. You could also wear a sary in order to heal, and more impor­ tantly, it is possible! " A good p ro d u c t is y o u r h?si -u iv e fi's 'o .c n i' tone's Exotic Seasonings 236 S.W. Salmon Suite A Portland, OR 97204 (503) 240-5323 o £ e uisi? Ä O 5 F% j r p (J Protect yourself against BIG LOSSES and COSTLY REPAIRS. Call Levi Russell 289-3648 HIS BY ULLYSSES TUCKER, JR.____ eradicate this guilt or change my par­ ents’ perception about me when they were already gone? Though they were deceased, I decided that it was now time to make them proud of me with my actions and behavior. I graduated from high school, attended college, secured three degrees in Communications, and put myself in an economic position to help other family members interested in helping themselves. Today, they would have to be proud of my achievements and accomplishments. They would be proud of my community involvement and values. I can live with myself, now. I can look up in the sky today and smile because I believe in my heart that they have changed their perception about me. I do not blame myself anymore. me awhile to leant that it was not always about me being the problem. Today, if Many people would be shocked, I do not secure the type of positions I at­ more than likely, at the amount of time tempted to earlier in my corporate life, they spend on being angry, feeling guilty, it’s no big deal because I know that I blaming others for their shortcomings, have a sound educaiton, excellent skills or fears. If people arc ever going to learn in many areas of my profession, and how to love, it is imperative that they more importantly. I’m most qualified. learn to let go of these negative emo­ If I do not get the job, it’s not because of tions and feelings. The guilt premise is my shortcomings or lack of ability. It’s based on a fictional belief that either you usually because of factors that are out of or another individual deserve to be pun­ my control or realm of influence. Again, ished. It has been suggested by some I do not blame myself anymore or feel scholars that the ego’s need for punish­ guilty. ment is so great that people become so The same thing holds true with preoccupied with all the things they relationships. Over the years, I’ve had have done wrong. A part of people tells some good and bad ones. All people them that they or others deserve to be make mistakes and the biggest one that punished and to suffer because of the I ever made was blaming myself for wrongdoings perpe­ them not working. trated. Blame is the No one person essential reason for blows a marriage this guilt. People People attempt to change others by blaming them or or relationship. attempt to change making them feel guilty, while denying their own guilt in Letting go of guilt others by blaming the process. and anger can them or making really change a them feel guilty, person’s attitude, while denying their own guilt in the Furthermore, I use to blame judgement, relationship with others, and process. myself for not obtaining certain jobs put them on the road to happiness. I can As an insecure youngster, I with major corporations or institutions. speak from firsthand experience. If people blamed myself for the death of my mother, I used to think that 1 did not get the job choose to love instead of automatically who died of cancer. I blamed myself because of something I said, did not say, blaming themselves or others, they will because other people in my family sug­ or how 1 dressed, perhaps. Why blame be much happier and open to receive gested that my criminal behavior led to myself? Again, my self-esteem was to what we all desire/need: love. Keep her demise. This was a heavy burden to the point where I had to be the blame or peace in your heart and love on your carry around, emotionally, because it it had to be my fault, it always was. As mind. Remember, past experiences was consistently being reinforced by the noted last week, self-esteem is very should be a guide post, not a hitching people I cared about the most, my fam­ important and essential to eliminating post for guilt and blame. ily. Sure, I was a terrible kid, but 1 didn’t the feelings of guilt and blame. It took stop my mother from going to treatment when she was supposed to or force her to maintain a lifestyle that did not enhance her physical condition. She, along with my father, went to their graves with a negative perception of me. My mind was an emotional wasteland and the high levels of guilt eroded what little One of the Northwest Largest Wig Displays self-esteem 1 had. From about seventh Wigs and Hairpieces For all Nationalities grade until my senior year of high school, I had a “ big chip” on my shoulder and va abor owned a terrible attitude. How could I Wigland E Ride Tri-Met Free All Tri-Met rides are free after 6 p.m. on New Year’s Eve as a reminder that Tri-Met is a safe alternative to drink­ ing and driving all year long. In addition, extra late-night service will be added to several major bus lines and MAX, in hopes that even more people will cele­ brate safely. Those celebrating the new year should note that the last buses of the night will leave the Portland Mall at 2:32 a.m. The last MAX train will leave PioneerCourt- house Square at 2:36 a.m. Special, late- night buses will be added on these Tri- Met lines: 5-Hawthomc, to Foster and 96th 5-Intcrstatc, to Vancouver 9-Broadway, to Saratoga and 27th 9-Powcll, to Powell and 98th A ve­ nue 12-Barbur Blvd., to Tigard Transit Center 12-Sandy Blvd., to Sandy and 95th 15-Mt. Tabor, to Gateway Transit Center 15-N.W. 23rd Avenue, to Montgom­ ery Park 57-Forcst Grove, to Forest Grove Most Tri-Met lines usually make their last rips at 11:32 p.m. or 12:32 a.m. on weekday nights. The later bus trips amount to more than 30 hours of extra Tri-Met service. But, as Tri-Met General Manager James E. Cowen said, “ It’s a small price to pay if we save some lives that night.” The 60 Tri-Met drivers who spend New Year’s on the road will be wearing “ No Thanks, I’m Driving” buttons to signify drug-and alcohol-free celebra­ tions. And throughout the holidays, all Tri-Met buses will sport red ribbons as part of Mothers Against Drunk Driving’s “ Tie One On For Safety” campaign. ¡"vite J I I Friday, Saturday, & Sunday Only ’ Ncndcls At Portland Airport j R IB EYE STEAK D IN N E R .... $9.95 | This dinner includs USDA Choice Rib Eye Steak, Choice O f Salad, Fresh | Garlic Bread, Baked Potato, Seasonal Vegetables, and a delicious choice from ■ | our tempting dessert tray. 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I advise homeowners In making Im­ provements to their homes, correcting code violations, selection and quality of materials, selection of contractors, and estimating cost of Improvements. I also perform house Inspections for home buyers. For more Information, stop by 5852 N.E. 42nd Ave. and celebrate the Holidays with Hattie Porter Fletiard Grisby Carolyn Stoudamire Ethel Bates-Bailey Karol Davidson call 289-3648. I ftÇ/ LflRG 31 NW FIRST 2 2 3 991 December Wed. 19 L IP T O I II» Tliurs. 20 SHELIA AM ) THE FIREW O RK S I ri. 21 X Sat. 21 (RA ZA