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About Morning Oregonian. (Portland, Or.) 1861-1937 | View Entire Issue (March 22, 1906)
THE MORNING OBEGONIAN, THURSDAY, MARCH 22, 1906. Entered at the rontofflce at Portland, Or., as Second-Class Matter. SUBSCRIPTION RATES. ET INVARIABLY IN ADVANCE, (By Mall or ExprefS.) DAILY. SUNDAY INCLUDED. Twelve months '8.00 Six months., 1 J-jji Three months One month 'Vt Delivered by carrier, per year Delivered by carrier, per month Less time, per week Sunday, one. year Weekly, one year (issued Thursday)... I.jO Sunday and Weekly, one year 3.30 HOW TO REMIT Send postofflce money order, express order or personal check on your local bank. Stamps, coin or currency are at the sender's risk. EASTERN BUSINESS OFFICE. The S. C. Beckwlth Special Agency New Tork, rooms 43-50. Tribune building. Chi cago, rooms 510-51Z Tribune building. KEPT ON SALE. Chicago Auditorium Annex. rostofflce News Co., ITS Dearborn street. St. Paul, Minn. N. St. Marie Commercial Station. Denver Hamilton & Kcndrlck. SOG-912 Seventeenth street; Pratt Book Store, 1-H Fifteenth street; I. Weinstcln. Goldflcld, Nev. 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C Ebbitt House, Penn sylvania avenue. PORTLAND. THURSDAY. MARCH 1906. .MRS. EDDY AGAIN. To an unprejudiced observer who could study all religions with an Im partial veneration for the good and reprobation for the bad elements which they contain, it might appear that there is one. and only one, fundamental dif ference between the "Scientists" and other Christian sects. This difference ts easier to perceive than to state, but one may suggest it by saying that Mrs. Eddy 1ms reduced to practice a number of beliefs which other sects treat .as IMire theory. "What these beliefs are we shall set in a moment; but first let us reiterate that Mrs. Eddy's personal i-haraeter has absolutely nothing: to do with the value of her teachings. These must be judged by their own merits or demerits. Still, since Dr. Morrison in sists that Mrs. Eddy's character, espe cially her veracity. Is a matter of mo ment in this discussion, one must re mark that, admitting all Iter alleged faults, It compares not unfavorably with those of the Christian heroes. founders and martyrs. It would be hard for anybody to surpass St. Cyril of Al exandria or St. Theresa as liars, -while we have heard nothing of Mrs. Eddy which could rank her with the former In treachery and cruelly or -with St George in licentiousness. Dr. Morrison reproaches her with concealing the sources of her doctrines and claiming to have them by direct revelation; but In doing so she follows the best religious precedent. Paul and Peter constantly had Instructive vis ions; the former makes a plain Impli cation that his pickings from the Greek philosophers are "inspired"; John the Itevclator makes tremendous drafts on superstitious credulity, -while the church speaks of the whole New Tes tament, with its miracles, contradic tions and borrowings, as a "revelation." If Mrs.. Eddy falsifies about the sources of her teachings, let her be anathema; our only contention is that it is no worse for her to steal and lie than it was for the founders of other churches. "What has Mrs. Eddy ever done that could compare In depravity with Paul's standing by to see Stephen stoned to death? What demand on our credulity has she ever made that equals the story of his conversion? In spite of these things we accept or reject Paul's teaching Cor -what it Is -worth; It Is only fair to treat Mrs. Eddy's In the same way. "We do not abhor the Apostles' creed because it was worked out In bloodshed, treachery and torture. It stands for what it is. regardleas of the character of those who constructed it. So must Mrs. Eddy's creed. As for her metaphysical tenets, they are like all others. .Nobody can say whether they are true or not. Posslbly they contradict the Bible. Dr. Morri pon says they do; Mrs. Eddy says they do not. "What difference does it make? One may say, however, that, if the Bi ble teaches any one doctrine with un mistakable clearness, it Is that sin Is a state of the unregenerate or "mortal" mind, exactly as Mrs. Eddy holds. "What sickness and death are is not explicitly taught in the Scriptures; but Paul says that the sting, or essential quality, of death is sin. Hence if sin is a state of the mind, so is death. We must remember also that death Is the direot effect of Adam's sin, and that the effect and Its cause are necessarily of the same nature. It Is recorded, too, that Jesus neutralized both sickness and death by sheer mental activity, which goes to show lhat they are really only mental states. - Without pretend ing that this reasoning is conclusive, one cannot help feeling thnt it throws at least a shadow of doubt upon Dr. Morrison's bold assertion that "Mrs. Eddy's ideas contradict the Bible." One more prellmlnarj. It Is no more fair to blame Mrs. Eddy's religion be cause some of her followers go to an extreme than It Is to blame Christianity for the horrors of the Jewish massacres in Russia. Most good things in excess or perversion are bad. A religion may justly claim to be judged by Its best fruits, instead of its worst. If we must judge. by the worst, .the most noxious results of Christian Science are whole some and beautiful compared with the murders of the Pledmontese, the burn ing of Servetus, the -wlthchcraft hor rors In medieval Germany and the In quisition In Holland. Dr. Morrison may reply that Christianity has outgrown these horrors. Perhaps. Give Chris tian Science as many centuries and It may outgrow the reluctance of foolish mothers to . call a doctor for a sick child. Time works wonders with relig ious zeal. What, now, are the beliefs which Christian Science reduces to practice w'hfle the other churches hold them as theories only? The t first pertains to prayer. All religious people pray; but the followers of Mrs. Eddy expect their prayers to be answered, while oiner sects do not. Doubtless Dr. Morrison has often prayed for rain. Had he ever the remotest expectation that his peti tion would change the weather? Minis ters all pray for the President; they pray for the sick; but without a shadow of hope for results. The "Scientists' expect results -when they pray, and In many cases tney get results, just as the early Christians did. The second of these beliefs is that the power of the all-pervading deity Js available for pro tecting and healing human beings, for aiding them In righteous aspiration and sustaining them in distress. The "Sci entists" -work this belief Into the dally routine of their vocations; other 6ects hold it as an abstract proposition with out practical effect. It is differences like these which seem to the outsider to mark the real distinction between Christian Scientists and Other Chris tians. Perhaps they fail somewhat "In practicing what they pretend to be lieve"; but Js it entirely safe for the other sects to cast stones at them on this account? WOULD YOU BE ROCKEFELLER? After all, the Nation is greater than any individual, no matter how much wealth he has, and Nemesis in the long run overtakes every criminal. Whether there is a place of future punishment or not Is of little moment now to John D. Rockefeller. Whatever retribution may await the unblest in another world., it can hardly exceed that which he suffers here. Cowering before the law -which he so long defied, haunted by the specters of his Inexpiable crimes. groveling under the just hatred of a whole Nation, he hides himself In the gloom of his lonesome palace and vain ly seeks defense from Inexorable re morse In the weapons of his guards. In the watches of the night, as the solitary fugitive reviews the tale of lives ruined to satiate his lust for gold. he hears the steps of the Imaginary assassin creeping softly to his revenge. The wind In the treetops is to his guilty mind the sighs of women pleading In vain for mercy. The ticks of the pen dulum number the curses of his victims. Why does he not call his friends to his side as the darkness of impending doom settles upon his soul? He has no friends. He has parasites and syco phants, but In all the world there Is not one poor slave of toll so friendless as Rockefeller. Why does he not pray? After mocking heaven all these years with worship whose every word belied God's Justice, he cannot pray. Fools have envied him in the pomp of his baleful prosperity. Sickened hu manity has said there could be no prov idence in the world, since Rockefeller could live and flourish. Who would envy him now? Who now can doubt the even-handed sway that rights all wrongs and metes out retribution in the fullness of time? Calamities fall thick upon him. Sorrow smites his soul. His mind darkens with Insanity. Pitiful old man! In the a-wful depths of that measureless woe where he now begins to sink, even Rockefeller may claim our pity; forgiveness he can never claim. He will be remembered as a portent, a scourge of the human race. He Is a moral pestilence, a black death which smites souls instead of bodies. A thousand years from now fathers will relate his story to their sons as-a warn ing and recount the horrors of his de clining years to demonstrate the Justice of God. CANADA'S ECOXOnC ADVANTAGES. A large number of emigrants from Oregon and Washington have passed through Portland in the past thirty days en route for the newly opened agricultural districts in Canada. Cheap land, either presented free by the gov ernment or sold on easy terms by the railroad companies, has been the prin cipal attraction for these settlers, who are leaving one of the best agricultural countries on earth; but It is possible that Canada has other attractions which make it more desirable as a place of residence. Canada has no Carnegies or Rockefellers, grown enor mously wealths by a system of protec tion which robs millions to enrich a few; but It Is quite clear by the offi cial figures that her people are enjoy ing a greater degree of prosperity than are our own people, who. It is needless to state, are. In spite of the wholesale thievery of the trusts, now experienc ing the most prosperous era they have ever known. "Comparisons are odious." and for that reason there Is nothing In the official statistics on the. foreign trade of the two countries that Js calculated to make the Americans hilariously proud According to the figures of the .Depart- ment of Commerce and Labor, our ex ports for the first peven months of the current fiscal year amounted In value to $1,056,613,954. and our imports for the same period were valued at J695.724.475, a total for our foreign trade of 51.752, 338.434. These are very large figures. but it must be remembered they represent the total foreign trade of approximately SO.000,000 people, or a matter of 522 per capita. Canada has a population of 6,000,000 people, about one thirteenth the number that participate In the foreign trade of the United States. For the seven months corre spondlng to those for which the fore going figures were compiled, the export trade of Canada was valued at 5150, 834,433, and the value of the Imports was 5156.260,000, a total of about 5307.000.000. These figures show a per capita aver age of more than 551, compared with the 522 per capita average in the Unjted States. In other words, Canada new in the business, with a scanty popula tion and transportation facilities still crude In most of the territory has In proportion to her population a foreign trado nearly two and one-half times as great as our own. One of the principal arguments used by the high-tariff devotees in this coun try is that it is responsible for the "bal ance of trade in our favor. As the toregolng figures will show, there is a tremendous "balance" of exports over imports, but it Is open to question whether this can truthfully be termed a balance in "our favor." It will be noted that this "balance of trade," by applying the high-tariff interpretation Is -unfavorable to Canada, and yet her foreign trade in either Imports or ex ports, as previously stated, Js, in pro portion to the population, more than double that of our own country. This is due to the fact that Canada does everything that can possibly be done to encourage trade, and nothing to pb struct It. Canada produces much raw material for which there is a good market in foreign countries. She is ateo a heavy producer of gold, and In exchange for these commodities she buys heavily from the foreign countries with which she is doing business. There is at the present time great expansion in her ag ricultural Industries, and she is import ing large quantities of farm machin ery. In the absence of tarlff-protectc'd trusts, the Canadian Is permitted to buy this machinery at much lower prices than are exacted from the Amer ican farmer for the same goods, al though the American must sell his grain in the same markets and at the same prices as are secured by the Ca nadian. Down the long list of tarlff Drotected. trust-produced commodities. the Canadian buys at reduced prices and saves the exorbitant profit which In this country is withheld from the consumer and given to the trust. This is one of the economic advantages which Canada has over tne cnuea States, and It is a powerful aid to cheap land In attracting Immigration. io long as this advantage exists, the for- eign trade of Canada, will continue to increase more rapidly in proportion to the population than will that of the United States. THE PROMISE" OF GOOD ROADS. The most gratifying "good roads movement" of which this public has lately heard is that which; with a re cently acquired rock quarry as its basis, proposes to make the roads of Multnomah County fit for travel ana traffic the year round. This county has learned how to build good roads. It has long outlived, on its main thorough fares, the old earthen roads, composed of mud and corduroy in Winter and dust and broken boughs In Summer, each a greater Impediment to travel than the other. For some years it has had stretches of good highway, prop erly constructed and kept in reasonably good repair. The mountain road north of the Sandy and the Base Line road east to Falrview are samples of road construction, and there are other stretches of public highway that are equally well built. It Is gratifying to iSrn thnt ?ood roads are now, or within the next five years, to become general throughout the county, answer ing fully the needs of Its growing traffic. If this promise Is fulfilled, and there is no reason to doubt that It will be. the use of the automobile will keep pace with It very closely. To do this Its construction will be cheapened and strengthened, and Its adaptability to rural needs will be secured. Farmers' boys will learn to manage the machine as mulllv as thev learn to manage horses and to get service as well as pleasure out of Its use. The change cannot come too soon The time wherein the heavily loaded wagon, hub deep In mud. -was stalled in spite of the exertions of the strain ing team, and the frantic efforts of the driver, cannot be too quickly relegated to the pust and discarded by memory. It has been demonstrated that good Toads can be built in Oregon, of. ma terial that Is lasting and not difficult o obtain, and that they can be kept in good condition the year round If prop- erlv constructed. It now remains to PUL UlC UIUUl HIU.-J .rcvt.u 1 use. in uruer. ax, vAiiiiiiKi. . expresses it, to nave in jiunnoman County the best roads In the United States. The people will be satisfied with a lit tle less than this. If they can have as good roads as can be found anywhere in the United States they will be con tent, and, it is hoped, come up cheer fully with the money necessary to se cure this object, since money. Intelli gence in construction and good judg ment In the materials used, must com bine for the fulfillment of the "good . SUBSIDIES AND PRESS AGENTS. The Merchant -Marine League of the United States, -which, according to Its letterhead, was "organized at Cleveland November 21. 1904," has been favoring The Oregonlan with considerable ship subsidy literature. This literature Is not as Interesting as the fables which Awon and Georce Ade wrote, but It takes the same classification. The last regular weekly batch of reasons why poor old J. P. Morgan, Clement Gris- com and John D. Rockefeller should be helped out with a ship subsidy Is ac- companlod with an additional "extra." The letter Inclosing it mentions it as follows: We also bee t inclose a second ieet made up of brief article and paragraph, reliable tor Ufif either an editorials or an Heme, which we j-hould be pleased to have yeu ur- in ytir column In whole r in part in any way that u tee flu They have never apscared In any publication. There are a great many reasons why most of these brilliant .editorials or items" have never appeared in any pub licatlon. Foremost among" them is the fact that many newspaper publishers object to printing grotesque falsehoods except under the guise of humor, and these ready-made editorials ae In too serious a vein to be valuable as humor ous contributions. Another reason which may account for their failure to appear in any publication lies In their delightful Inconsistency. For example. about half-way down the last column of the "extra" we find the following ready-made gem: As an American merchant marine weald create, find and hold new martens for Amer ican o.xjKrt. cheapen the cct ef conveying our exports to their destination, ear Western farmers need sot reriouriy fear Its advent. Farther down in the same column we are informed that "paying the Amerl can standard of wages. American ship owners and shipbuilders cannot com pete with foreign shipowners and ship- builders." Of course one or the other of these statements Is wrong, and a mis take was probably made In sending them out on the same extra. The dullest stu dent that ever tackled political economy knows that the American shipowners and shipbuilders paying the American standard of wages cannot compete with the foreigner. The capitalist who has the ability to finance big deals and the lawyer whose talents and opportunities enable him to win large fees does not hew his own wood or clean the cuspl dors in his office. He Is -willing to leave that to some one whose time is less valuable and who apparently can do no better than to hew wood and clean cus pidors. The foreigner, by force of clrcum stances, is prevented from engaging in such remunerative undertakings as those in which the American finds em ployment for "his time and money, and as a result tanes mat wnicn tne Amer ican does nofcare to bother with. If we admit the truth of the state ment that it costs the American more to engage in shipping than It costs the foreigner, we must perforce denounce as a falsehood statement No. 1. that an American merchant marine would "cheapen the cost of conveying our ex ports to their destination." This ac commodating extra contains a number of other grotesque statements which are fully as misleading and erroneous as the one quoted. It would seem that, with all of tre money which la In con trol of the shipping trust behind the subsidy bill, a more consistent press agent could be secured. Even A. IL Smith, who used to do the press-notice boosting for former ship-subsidy bills, and who appears on the letterhead of the Cleveland organization as "com missioner," always credited his readers with more intelligence than the Cleve land league seems to think Its readers possess. Mr. John V. Wallace made a miser able failure of the part assigned him in the construction of the Panama Canal, but this docs not detract from the truth of the statement he has Just made regarding the Tehuantcpec route. British capital at the Tehuantepec Is opening up a short commercial route to the Far East that will prove a most formidable competitor ot me Manama Caiwi, even after the latter is complct- ed. Pending" completion of the canal. there are possibilities for an enormous traffic over the Tehuantepec route at rates lower than any that have yet been made to the Far East. In recom mending immediate improvement In facilities and equipment on the Panama Railroad. Mr. Wallace offers what seems to be the only remedy that can be applied In time to head off com petition of a most strenous nature. In view of the experience of the Govern ment in managing commercial enter prises, it Is not clear that even in creased" equipment on the railroad will retain the business unless there is a decrease In the use of red tape. The trained nurses of the Empire State are up in arms. And well they may be. There Is a bill before the Leg islature at Albany which provides for a state commission of nursing, carrying an appropriation of 519,000 a year for the salary of a commissioner and an office in Albany, with "such clerical force as may be necessary." There Is already a law regulating the registra tion of nurses and the standards of training schools that has been in oper ation three yeirs and Is fully satisfac tory both for the protection of the nurses and their patients. Why. ask the nurses, should another system be substituted for it? Miss Annie De Mar, president of the State Nurses' Associa tion, thinks she knows. She says: "The proposed bill Is simply a scheme to cre ate positions for a few men." She is probably right. Most bills of like char acter, from railway commission bills down through the long list to this nurses' supervision bill, are framed, pushed and passed for this specific pur pose. The future Queen of Spain is a name sake of Eugenie, the Spanish Countess who married Louis Napoleon and was. for a few years. Empress of,France. The diminutive, by which she Is known In England. Princess "Ena," is derived from the name Eugenie, which she will retain as Queen of Spain. In conjunc t Inn Tvlth t Vi-t , n.r .i i lh( Info finnan Tn.nr.l TT- 1 dozen ath.r Prnttont baptismal names win lapse and she will be recognized by her Catholic sub jecis as Queen Victoria Eucenle. She Is a young woman of viva- clous temperament and easy conscience. This last characteristic stood her In good stead when she was required to renounce ner religious faith In order that she might marry the King of Spain. "Little Ejrvm." -Who ronrtorosl Id United States an invalnable service by tun.,.,, iividic .liezviiuev in i mm sends back the report that the big Innd thief was again moving on. According to Egypt. McKInley has sailed for Guatemala under the name A. Osier. If this be true. It indicates that Mc- Klnley's sense of humor has not vet left him. There Is but little doubt that McKinley should be chloroformed or got rid of. but not for the reasons that made Osier famous. There has never been the slightest indication of any Im palrmcnt In the McKInley nerve, talent or constitution, and the name Osier fits him like a square peg In a round hole. llliam Rockefeller, next to his famous brother, John D., the richest man in the United States. Is said to be dying with cancer, and John D. Spreck- els, the millionaire son of the sugar king. Is on his deathbed with a fatal disease of the liver. The' great wealth possessed by these men can purchase all of the necessities and luxuries that aid In softening the touch of the Grim Reaper, but it cannot stay the hand of death and they will drift Into the next .world on even terms with the lowliest man that ever struggled all his life for a bare existence. The purpose of students of Pacific University to raise a fund of 510.000 toward rebuilding Herrick Hall, the young women's dormitory of that In stltution. indicates a devotion to th university and an Interest In Its work, as well as a degree of courage and self-confidence among the students that Is praiseworthy. The next three months will be no play spell to these volunteer workers. It Is evident, however, that they are not afraid of work, otherwise they would not have set themselves to the task. It is quite, evident that the universal regret at the absence of Mr. Andrew Hamilton from the olllciai insurance in vestigatlon was well founded. Still Mr. Hamilton has done a great deal to make things Interesting since his re turn. Henry E. Dlxey has gone to the trou ble to compile statistics to show that there are - more clergymen In prtaon than actors. This ought to be mighty Interesting reading for "Scotty." The Pacific Coast's latest aspirant for histrionic honors and dollars can have no complaint to make over lack of publicity. Few novices have played In such good luck as "Scotty." Columbia River almon men hav formed an organization to "protect the Industry." While doing this admirable duty they will not forget next year' profits. An English railway announces "La dies smoking cars" on its trains That's in England. In this country our ladies have only reached the rathskclle stage. How to maintain a satisfactory finan cial equilibrium In the gas business As the price goes down, let the pressure go up. THE SILVER LINING. By A. H. Ballard. When the Day Is Done. You may not be the only light. Yet I can sec but one; My bitter pain comes back at night. When the day Is done. Oh. I would sing tho old, old song. The song forever new. The song that's sweet our whole life long. Sweet and 5ad and true. The world If. oh. so wide, wide, wide: Life- Is a hurried din; To me It's nothing else beside A place to love you In. Oh. I believe if you but knew How much I love you. dear. You'd hesitate before you threw Away such treasure here. As sunshine warms :t blooming rose. Ita petals spring apart. So would my love your soul unclose, My love warm you, sweetheart. Still must I sing the old. old son?. The song that Is always new. Although It chants another wrong The wrongs that women do. You may not be the only light. Yet I can see but one: My bitter pain comes back at night. When the day Is done. Carney Bernard remarks with rare dis crimination: "Strawberries may come and strawberries may go, but prunes are with us forever." He also makes the best criticism on poor story-toller that I cvor heard, towit: "You make so muoh preparation that. when It come, it isn't." Hockcrcllcr's Wnil. Brother has a cancer. Daughter, she has wheels; Son Is not a man, sir. And my old skin peels. Hunted by my fellows. Hated by the crowd. My hard heart age mellow?. Yet schools that I endowed Call my money talned. Know that I'm a thief. Woe and I acquainted? It Is past belief! I have all the money. Out I can't eat my meals: Disease and scorn aren't funny. Yon don't know how It feels. ' Fire in the coal mines of France with ppalllng loss of life: that's one. Earth quake in Formosa kills thousands: that's two. Now, look for the Inevitable third disaster. Give to him who never had, and he'll sweer he made It himself. Help a gocsc and you'll accumulate trouble. Help a wise man and you'll win friend. Definitions. (Tips on the Race of Life.) GAS COMPANY A kind of Teal duck that Is being hunted a good deal Just now. ulthough the regular season Is not open yet. FEMALE The root of all attractive evil. ROAST When you neglect to declare that an aetor Is better than Henry Irving, or an actress Is superior to Bernhardt, the actor and actress under consideration are vehemently positive that you are roast ing them with diabolical malice. That shows their mental status they get far ther from the truth than anyone ele on earth can reach. OWNERSHIP-A foggy condition of mind wherein some man cannot distin guish their own property from that of other people. All things of value look alike to thorn under those conditions and seem to be stamped with their own brand. MAN The connecting link between monkey and the devil. TITLE Something heiresses buy and gas companies acquire. MONEY 'Tls mine: 'tis yours: 'tis any one's who can get It. There are no rules In the game. Each man has a code for himself. In the frontier the best code is observed the Winchester code. Couldn't Sec Him. Harper's. An Ohio man tells of the sad case of a young teiiow. tne son ot a wealthy Toledo manufacturer, who, against his father's wishes. Insisted upon going to Chicago to make his way. whereas the parent desired, that the son train him self In the Toledo business house. At first the lad did very well In the larger city, but It was not very long before he was making urgent appeals to his father for financial assistance. To these the old gentleman, who had himself been trained in a hard school. turned a deuf ear. Finally, the desperate boy wired his father In these words: "You won't see me starve, will you?" The old man's reply came in the form of the follow- Inc telegram: o, not at this dis tance." Then the boy decided to return to Toledo and go to work for the old man. Delicate Insinuations. London Chronicle. 0 JH. I . -- pwriHi."--" iu niuniiy and directly tnai anoinvr is orunK. out he may hint nt the tact in periphrasis, as wnen air. uiaoswuc, rvi)iuiK iu an un- conventional apecen oi uisracu s. re- marked: "The rlgnt Honorable gentleman has evidently had access to sources of in- splratlon that are not open to me." A violent scene nas occn caused in tne .far- llamcnt of Victoria by a I-ibor member saying Of a legal colleague: The hon- orable and learned gentleman was once called to the bar. and he has since gone frequently without being called." Ballade of Modern Ways. Kate Maatereon In New Tork Sun. Tounc lamb and peas are on the stall". Asparagus and shad arc nigh. While o'er our senaej fracranee falls Of rise strawberries we may buy. If we rv dollan. you and I May feast in Springtime's gladdest way; Old W inter wears wbkuvivui cjc 'Cone are the snows of yesterday! Daffodils bloom 'neath florists walls And blufhlnc roses clamber high; A laxy purple orchid sorawU With daisies sweet and violets shy To yon gay meadows let us hi, Gather our cut flowers whll? we may; Youth fades love goes and rows die Gone are the snows of yesterday! There In the hop x hat enthrall. Wreathed for softest Summer sky. Hark how that little birdie t calls. And none so poor to say we lie. Or hem or haw or wonder why. Or hint that we are getting- gay When for the Ice cream fount we cry Gone are the snows of yesterday! L'ENVOL Trince when to these fair fields you'd fly. Charter an auto not a sleigh; Through early primrose paths we'll -pry Gone are the mores or yesterday: HOW REAL HUMOR -PAYS. Detroit Free Press. George Ade's Income from his plays and books Is now 5150,00) a year. This is the annual Interest at 6 per cent on 52,500,000. George Adc. In all probability, will be the first literary man in the history ot the world to earn 51.CCO.OOO from his writings that Is. the first man to receive this amount during his lifetime. The royalties of Dickens, Thackeray. Scott, have amounted to vast fortunes. but their earning capacity greatly out lasted their terms ot life. When Kipling's income, in the helarht of his popularity, reached the sum of 530.- CCO a year the world was astounded. He was the first ot the" prodigious Hterary eamers. and he made a dent on the pages of books that will last as long as the English language. It Is safe to say that Kipling's income Is not one-fourth that of Ade's today. Kipling's splendid novel the greatest novel of the nineteenth cent ury. "The Light That Failed." was prac tically a failure as a play, though It was shabbily dramatized. It is doubtful If. altogether, the earnings of this book will. amount to that of "The College Widow" when the lattcr's career as a play alone Is done. Roughly speaking. 15 years ago. Ade was working for 53 a week. Today he is earning over 5400 a day. There Is only one other man In this country who could rival Ade as a literary financial success. This man refuses to compete. He is Fin- ley Peter Dunne, who created Dooley. and. although his. copy is worth a dollar a word, he makes no attempt to produce It. Humor pays. Both of these men evolved in Chicago newspaper offices. Mrs. harton. whose human Insight and literary workmanship is incompara blc: William Dean Howells. Gilbert Park er. Mrs. Humphry Ward, and Mark Twain are all large earners In the world of books, but their combined annual income does not largely exceed that of Ade'3 alone. Robert Louis Stevenson, who, like Kip ling, has not yet come into his own. did not receive 51W.CO) In all his writing days, The united earnings of Copernicus, who discovered the shape of the earth and the movements of the stars; Harvey, who dls covered the circulation of the blood, and Darwin, one of the pioneers of evolution. did not amount to Ade's annual Income. The humorist Is a sincere worker. Ada docs not write for money. In the sense of taking any liberties with his market. He will go to any lengths to better his work. He has the infinite capacity of taking pains. He Is far too wise to flood the market with his own goods and suffer the contempt which comes of familiarity. Still, he has large commercial acumen and a canny provident Instinct witness the Indiana farm which will provide home for him In his old age should pov erty overtake him. At the Chicago Press Club certain of his friends were wroth because Ade gave up his fables for plays. The humorist said he knew best. Later, when his fabulous income was assured from the stage, his friends asked him If - he did not regret sometimes that he had turned so com pletely to the playwright end of litera ture. -ino, saiu ne. l would do tt over again." That was two years aso. He has since changed his mind to a dogree. for his favors are once more falling to the press. Saved From Snakes, Anyhow. Harper's. A New York man was stopping for month at an inland town in Florida. This man Is exceedingly fond of swimming, but has a horror of snakes, and this fear kept him from indulging In his favorite sport in the nearby river. He was fishing one day. and mentioned his desire and the barrier to its enjoyment to hla guide, a lanky and sorrowful "cracker." "Oh. I kin fix yp'-all up all right." the guide drawled, and led the way to a beau tiful little loKc some distance back from the river. "Ain't nary snake In hyah." he said. The Northerner enjoyed a half-hour's sport In the clear water, and then coming back to the white sand beach began to dress. He then observed that what he had taken to bo several logs Moating upon the water were in motion. 'W onder what causes those logs to move?" he said. "Them ain't logs." his guide calmly re plied, chewing on a straw; "them s "ga tors. That's howcome there nln't no snakes hyah 'gators keeps 'em et up." Folk Sized Them "Up. Harper's. Not long ago Governor Folk, of Mis sourl. upon reaching his office at the Capitol in company with a friend found a number of men waiting in the anteroom. He paused as he passed through, and made a Joke that was a decided chestnut. When the Governor and his friend were In the private of fice, the friend remarked: "Say, that was a fearfully old one you got off just now." "I know It.' was the complacent re Ply. "Then, why did you do Iti the puz zled friend asked. "Did you notice which of those fel lows laughed? Well, they are the ones who have favors to ask. was the ex- planatlon. Identifying Them. Harper's. Several women visitors, going through a oenltentiarv under the escort of the su perintendent, came to a room where they saw three other women sewing. "Dear me!" whispered one of the vis itors, "what vldous-iooKing creatures: Prav. .what are they here for?" Because thev have no other home, mis I our sitting-room, and they are my wife and two daughters." blandly replied the superintendent. CURRENT COMMENT CLIPPINGS , . ,,. h. worth wh!I nnHlnc- ,H,.M to lhe trouble of taklnc a. vote en j thf( Que3tlon of Joint statehood. Washington I gtar. Th. rrtal Democratic question: What is fn. Cf Bryan. Hearst and Tom John- I goa toward ach other? St. LouLs Globc-Demo- crat. Tf naasia. would have money she must first j have wac- and a peace that will protect I an ner subjects, regardless of race or creed. Cleveland Plain Dalr. I -'hy does the United States not sell more goods to Germany? aas, a member ot the Hoce. Probably because Germany will not buy them. Columbus Press-Post. , Instead of granting tbe miners' demands. the coat operator hare made some other sug gestions which they think the miners must have overlooked. Detroit Journal. There Is not. In fact, a state In the Union that observes the Hth amendment to the letter. Why, then, make It apply a a weapon of repression and Injustice to the South? Louisville Herald. Useful and scientific experiments should be tccouraxed by the Government, but "not rnt for tribute" to Congressmen should be appropriated. They might as welt oak money for free hay or tree oaroea wire or freo brooms. Chicago Record-Herald i cannot see any reason why the people of the United States cannot elect a man to the Presidency as long as they want him.1 General Grosvenor. But. my dear General. your consUtuency has Just repudiated your Ideas, and why innict tnera on the rest of the American people? Boston Herald Democrats have united to win before and they may not improbably do so again. They will enter the campaign with at least one very conajaeraDio advantage tne growing- sentiment against "plutocracy" will be with them rather than with their opponents. Per haps it In this aspect of .the case, after all. that requires the most serious consideration from the preiwnt majority party. Providence Journal UnJJ. THE WORLD'S NEXT GREAT FAIR Jamestown Press Bulletin. Since the Philadelphia Centennial in' 1876, there have been many exposi tions, great and small. All have been inland and all of an industrial charac ter. On Hampton Roads lp 1007. .It. Is proposed to give the world something entirely new. This great celebration will be held at a point almost equi-dis- tant from Cape Henry, where the Eng lish first landed their ships in the Spring ot 1607. and Jamestown, where they finally established thetr settle ment, on one of the most historic bodies of water on the face of the globe, a harbor which In the words of General Lee. "Is large enough to float all the navies of civilization and deep enough to drown all sectional differ ences." Overlooking this splendid bay. tne Jamestown Exposition will, in 190i, commemorate the beginning of the American Republic, the genesis of the white man In what is now the Lnited States, the ter-centennial of the first English settlement In the nevr world. It Is the most sentimental celebra tion ever planned in America. Situ ated In a territory which has been, the battleground In all of the great wars in America; burnt by savages In iU early days: during the English wars ravaged by foreign foes; it was the theater of the chief struggles ot 1S61- 1363, and on the roads naval .engage ments have been fought as memorable as any of the military conflicts on Vir ginia soil. The site chosen Is a peculiarly happy one. because few Americans born in this country are without ancestors who have a personal interest in this sec tion, i On this same body of water in 1S92 a fair-sized naval licet was asscmoica in honor of the 400th anniversary of the discovery of America: in 1507 no nation will be unrepresented at the tremendous naval rendezvous which will be held there. President Roosevelt has by authority of Congress invited all countries to send to the ter-centennial celebration their ships of. wars and regiments of their soldiery. Our own Nation will take a conspicuous part, and the great est display of sea power that the world has ever witnessed will be in evidence to honor the celebration which has meant so much to the world. The Jamestown celebration is to a large extent an official government af fair. ' The President of the united States has shown an interest in it and the act of Congress which authorized the exposition, nominated the Secre tary ot War. the Secretary of the Treasury and the Secretary of the Navy as Jamestown-Tercentennial com missioners, and directed them to take charge of the Government celebration. As the International naval and military features of the exposition come very largely under the Jurisdiction of tne Secretary of State, who occupies a po sition analogous to that of Minister of Foreign Affairs in other countries, and further as the marine feature connects closely with the Department of Com merce, it will be seen that no less than five members of the President's official family will be closely connected with the celebration. Hampton Roads has the largest deep land-locked narbor on the Atlantic seaboard, which has a superficial area of nearly 160 square miles, tne great est part of which affords safe anchor- atre. On this splendid body ot water may be floated Without overcrowding. the navies of civilization. There is fine camping ground for troops on the shores of the Koads where an International military en campment will be held continuously from May to December, 1907. The largest turfed parade ground In the world will be at the exposition. and on this sward international drills and maneuvers will be shown. There the militia of the several states will come In close contact with our regular army. This feature appealed very strongly to the late prdldent ot the Exposition Company, ucnerai -tuz-husrh Lee. whose experience In two wars had tafught him that the greatest trouble with the citizen soldiers was their Inability to learn quickly camp life and the discipline of the regular Army. He said that sometimes two or oka were lost that might have been utilized successfully If the mllltla had only learned tnetr lessons ueiuro actually entering the service. Besides the drills, sham battles will be tought. These are in time of peace th hest instructors for war and al ways possess a fascinating Interest for the onlooker. , On Hamoton Roads during the Civil War. tlie Merrimac and Monitor fougnt. Here in 190. reproductions ui intrat- famous vessels will meet again ann fight over that famous drawn battle. Inconclusive In its effect so far as cither combatant was concerned, but deter mining in Its Influence upon naval con struction. Fatal Mountain Climbing. Brooklyn Eagle. ti, mtmhr of climbers who met their lonrh Hlmblnc the Swiss mountains wlth- I i thc seven years Is alarming. Tn lsSg there were 37: In 1S99. 4i: the r vnr 4K and In 1901 there were 63. Now in 1502 there were as many deaths from the same cause as 110: in 1303. us: last year. 162, and "up to date" for this year. I". Now this, together with the fatal acci dents In the Austrian and the French Alps, the deaths for this year amount to 207. "Well." I heard a Frenchman say. that nasslon is better than gamming or drinking, for the man generally meets his death In snow and Ice oerore ne na? ruined his family, and his body, when at last found, looks better than that of the bloated drunkard or thc gambler after he has shot himself." Indeed! Harper's. Th War Department has not yet de cided upon thc place for holding the an nual Joint Army ana iay uwiiomaa. but there are some Indications that they may be held in unma. NEWSPAPER WAIFS. "Weli. little one. how many brothers and sisters have you got?" "One brother and one sister. How many have you got?" "I'm better off than you. I've gofc-four of each." "Oh, then. your mother have got eight to wash." Punch. "Do you think investigations brinjr about substantial and permanent reforms?" "Xot in most caees," answered Senator Sorshum. "Their chief function Is to satisfy human nature universal craving to know the worst." Washington Star. Mlstres Well, why don't you boll the eggs? Cook Sure, Tve no clock in the kitchen to go by. Jllstress Why. ye. Bridget, there's a clock In the kitchen. Cook Phwat good i ut? Ufa tin mlnlts faat! Cleveland Leader The Congressional committee -on basing mud Us reDOrt. "We find." It said, "that if all the guilty were punished by expulsion I there would b nothlns lett ot tne acaaenu Kt, lh buildings ana a careuiKr. .nat urally, this caused a leaning to the side of mercy. Philadelphia Ledger. Timkins I hear that young Stringer came to an untimely end In Arizona. Slmklns Yes. He went there with the Intention of. living by his wlU. Tlmkln Poor fellow! He ought to have known he didn't have suf ficient capital for an undertaking like that. Chicago Dally News. Hotel Guest (In the West) So you recently came from Farther West? Walter Tes. sab: Far West. Got disgusted wlf de morals oh dat section, sab. De Waltah's Danlt Union used to lynch gueala wot guv less nor one dollah. sah. and I couldn't stand that. No. sah, I don't considah a nan ought to be hurt unless he gives lees nor fifty cents, sab. New Xork Weekly. mm