12 // COASTWEEKEND.COM
Coast Weekend’s local
restaurant review
Beef is king at Hammond’s Buoy 9
Review and photos by
MOUTH OF THE COLUMBIA
MOUTH@COASTWEEKEND.COM
“
“Over 70 tons served,” boasts
Buoy 9’s menu of their fl agship
prime rib.
That begs for a little math.
There are 2,000 pounds in a ton.
So 70 tons equals 140,000 pounds.
Buoy 9’s 16- to-17-ounce “King
Cut” — the largest of three prime rib
offerings — is essentially a pound.
The “Petite” runs about 8 or 8 ounc-
es. Therefore the restaurant claims
to have served somewhere between
140,000 and 240,000 prime rib
dishes, if my back-of-the-envelope
calculations are correct. That’s the
rib meat from over 3,600 cows.
Where’s the beef, indeed.
And who knows how old that
menu is? Perhaps a few tons have
been served since.
Regardless of my (possibly
wonky) math, it’s no stretch to say
that beef rules at Buoy 9. Besides
prime rib, the Hammond restaurant
and bar offers New York steaks, burg-
ers, French dips, patty melts, reubens,
meatloaf and more. On my trips there
were beefy specials, too, like chick-
en-fried steak and fi let mignon.
While fi nding truckloads of red
meat in this creaky, blue-collar
joint was hardly shocking, some of
the price points were. To be sure,
steaks — and particularly rib cuts
— are expensive. Nonetheless, I
wasn’t expecting to fi nd a signifi cant
portion of the dinner menu at this
funky hole-in-the-wall to run up in
the $20-to-$30 range.
But that’s Buoy 9 — a vanish-
ing relic and stalwart in a changing
world. (If Trump supporters are a
mystery to you and you know none,
Buoy 9 is a fi ne place to start reach-
ing out.) Despite its age and to its
credit, the bar is hardly dingy — just
old. Wooden slat walls and exposed
ceilings resemble a 1960s basement
bar. It’s dotted with Wide World of
Sports-styled memorabilia, a few
coastal references and cheeky quips,
including a sprawling sign above the
bar that reads: “QUITYERBELLY-
ACHIN.”
In a lot of ways, Buoy 9 reminds
me of the Sea Breeze, which is at
the junction of Highways 26 and
101. They’re similar in vibe, decor
and menu — throwbacks across the
board. They’re both maintained,
likely, by congruent factors: location,
locals, gambling and so on. Besides
the bar, their meat and potatoes are,
well, meat and potatoes. Buoy 9
focuses more on the big cuts of beef,
while its South County counterpart
offers more bang for the buck.
On account of a winter storm
warning — one that never really
materialized — my fi rst visit found
Buoy 9 rather vacant. One could
hear a pin drop if not for Thursday
Night Football on the TV. For rea-
sons I can’t quite explain I opted for
the daily special: chicken-fried steak The petite cut of prime rib at Buoy 9 was plenty of beef.
($16.95). As all the dinners do, it
came with choice of soup, chowder
The main course arrived with
fi sh and chips ($13.95), though, was
or salad, as well as mashed potatoes, mashed potatoes, slathered in salty,
downright offensive. The two pieces
fries or rice. I chose salad, and added fl our-y gravy and a large piece of
of patently mediocre, beer-battered
a cup of soup ($4). The soup of the
sourdough bread, buttered on both
whitefi sh were jaw-droppingly
day, which the server described “like sides. The chicken-fried steak, while minuscule, together the size of a
a stuffed pepper,” came in a vessel
pummeled like chewy rubber with
wallet. (To be clear: a folded wallet.)
about the size of a teacup. The sim-
a peppery breading, mimicked its
I couldn’t believe it. The fl avor was
ple, greasy, beefy
namesake rather
almost as underwhelming as the por-
broth wasn’t quite
well. If nothing else, tion, the crust alternatively crunchy
hot enough. It was
THE CHOWDER it was a lot of food. or oily soft.
chunky with rice,
The burger,
My second trip to Buoy 9, on
WAS SALTY,
ground beef and a
though, under-
a Saturday evening, found a more
BUTTERY,
few slivers of bell
whelmed. I chose
lively atmosphere — multiple tables
FLOURY AND
pepper and onion.
the 1/3 -pound ver-
catching up over drinks, enjoying
FULL OF BACON. sion ($7.95) over the heaping plates, strewn about the bar
Then came the
FOR A MOMENT 1/4-pound. ($6.95). and restaurant side. Despite the fi sh
salad, reminiscent
of a time when peo-
While appropriately and chips debacle, I enjoyed the
I THOUGHT
ple were delivered
seasoned, the patty
jovial service and unpretentiousness.
IT MIGHT
salads when the last
was
fl
atter
and
wider
I can imagine regulars being highly
BE BACON
thing they wanted to
than I anticipated.
devoted.
CHOWDER,
eat was vegetables.
Dressed with loads
My waiter suggested the ba-
RATHER THAN of pickles, raw
It was mostly ice-
con-wrapped fi let mignon special.
berg lettuce, watery
CLAM.
onions, a large leaf
“It’s the only steak here that I don’t
and approaching
of lettuce and more
use sauce on,” he said. “It’s so
expiration, plus a
cranky tomatoes,
fl avorful.”
few out -of -season tomatoes, chunky it was reminiscent of the drive-thru
But I had to try the prime rib
white mushrooms, olives, carrot
variety — one you’ve had before.
(available in the winter months Fri-
spears and a cup full of dressing
Served a la carte it was a poor value
day through Sunday and every day
nearly the size of the cup of soup.
proposition. In this bygone beef
in summer). I went with the 8-or-9-
Based on either fl avor or nutrition,
temple, I was perplexed at the burg-
ounce petite cut ($23.95) because a
the salad failed to justify its own
er-as-afterthought.
half-pound of beef is plenty, along
existence.
The price and portion of halibut
with chowder and steamed veggies.
BUOY 9
Rating:
996 Pacifi c Drive, Hammond
PHONE: 503-861-2962
HOURS: Monday-Friday 11
a.m.-9 p.m., Saturday-Sunday 7
a.m.-9 p.m.
PRICE: $$ — looks like a dive
but ain’t priced like on.
VEGETARIAN/VEGAN OP-
TIONS: Beef is king.
SERVICE: Young, spirited and
attentive
DRINKS: Full bar
KEY TO STAR RATING SYSTEM
Poor
Below average
Good
Excellent
Best in region
The chowder was salty, buttery,
fl oury and full of bacon. For a
moment I thought it might be bacon
chowder, rather than clam (which
isn’t the worst idea). There were a
few little gummy clams, though. The
vegetables — broccoli, caulifl ower
and carrots — were disasters of both
sourcing and preparation. Freakishly
large, overly modifi ed, they were
steamed to oblivion, lifeless and
fl avorless.
The prime rib was prepared,
thankfully, with more care. Pink
throughout, the almost foot-
print-sized hunk of meat was supple,
its juices pooling on the plate.
Despite a couple rivers of fat and
connective tissue, there was plenty
of fl esh, most of it thick as an inch
or more. It was worth fi nishing,
though not exquisite enough to
preclude dunking in the ramekins of
watery horseradish and salty au jus.
Accompaniments aside, the prime
rib itself was easily the best thing I
had at Buoy 9.
Good enough to sell 70 tons
worth? Or to pay almost $25 for?
Well, tell me how long Buoy 9 has
been in business, and I’ll get out my
calculator …