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About Eugene weekly. (Eugene, Oregon) 1993-current | View Entire Issue (March 30, 2017)
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY BY R O B B R E Z S N Y ARIES (March 21-April 19): The dragon that stole your treasure will return it. Tulips and snapdragons will blossom in a field you thought was a wasteland. Gargoyles from the abyss will crawl into view, but then meekly lick your hand and reveal secrets you can really use. The dour troll that guards the bridge to the Next Big Thing will let you pass even though you don’t have the password. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just described is only metaphorically true, not literally. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): According to legend, Buddha had to face daunting tests to achieve enlightenment. A diabolical adversary tempted him with sensual excesses and assailed him with vortexes of blistering mud, flam- ing ice and howling rocks. Happily, Buddha glided into a state of wise calm and triumphed over the mayhem. He converted his nemesis’s vortexes into bouquets of flowers and celestial ointments. What does this have to do with you? In accordance with current astrological omens, I hope you will emulate Buddha as you deal with your own initiatory tests. APRIL FOOL! I wasn’t completely honest. It’s true you’ll face initiatory tests that could prod you to a higher level of wisdom. But they’ll most likely come from allies and inner prompts rather than a diabolical adversary. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Since I expect you’ll soon be tempted to indulge in too much debauched fun and ri- otous release, I’ll offer you a good hangover remedy. Throw these ingredients into a blender, then drink up: a thou- sand-year-old quail egg from China, seaweed from Antarctica, milk from an Iraqi donkey, lemon juice imported from Kazakhstan and a dab of Argentinian toothpaste on which the moon has shone for an hour. APRIL FOOL! I deceived you. You won’t have to get crazy drunk or stoned to enjoy extreme pleasure and cathartic abandon. It will come to you quite naturally — especially if you expand your mind through travel, big ideas, or healthy experiments. CANCER (June 21-July 22): Hire a promoter to create gold plaques listing your accomplishments and hang them up in public places. Or pay someone to make a thousand bobble-head dolls in your likeness, each wearing a royal crown, and give them away to everyone you know. Or enlist a pilot to fly a small plane over a sporting event while trailing a banner that reads, “[Your name] is a gorgeous genius worthy of worshipful reverence.” APRIL FOOL! What I just advised was a distorted interpretation of the cosmic omens. Here’s the truth: The best way to celebrate your surging power is not by reveling in frivolous displays of pride, but rath- er by making a bold move that will render a fantastic dream ten percent more possible for you to accomplish. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Endangered species: black rhino, Bornean orangutan, hawksbill turtle, South Chi- na tiger, Sumatran elephant and the Leo messiah complex. You may not be able to do much to preserve the first five on that list, but PLEASE get to work on saving the last. It’s time for a massive eruption of your mega- lomania. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating for effect. There’s no need to go overboard in reclaiming your mes- siah complex. But please do take strong action to stoke your self-respect, self-esteem and confidence. I Saw You I T ’ S F R E E T O P L AC E A N I S AW YO U ! E M A I L : I S AW YO U @ E U G E N E W E E K LY.C O M D AT I N G S E R V I C E S LOVE MOLECULES FLOAT AND DANCE TRUTH ***it’s reFUNd time.*** in the swirling warm breeze, ten fifty six or whenever. Silence haunts me Still Spoil yourself, have some FUN, think outside the box. Indulge yourself with a gentle touch, sensuality, slow hand. Attentive. Foot Fetish? Travelers most welcome. Professional men only. No blocked calls. Tia 541-870-6127. I S AW YOU IT’S WHAT IS I hold a mirror to your injustice & you cry, “Cruelty!” Indeed. You play your ‘sweetheart’ on the competitive side of the net, to best me? How loving! I judge & expect to be judged by one standard. No win opposite Truth, scruff. MORPHEUS YES I SAW YOU Thank you for the belly dancing Greek, you give great presence! Santa You may tower glorified in the sun and I salute you. But I am the flame burning at your core. Is this why I was liberated by your words, and elated? NO HARM INTENDED You: so round n full. So shiny. Me: (in my head) This is where flocks gather. (hens) So I said clearly (in my head) I could never do that. That’s when ‘the voice’ spoke. (In my head) “If he can’t touch you, he can’t love you.” So I pressed you relentless (my bad) loving what looked like arrogance til you reach out. I was (misbehavin) wrong. a photo sharing space @tbaker514 VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Race through your yoga routine so you have more time to surf the internet. In- hale doughnuts and vodka in the car as you race to the health food store. Get into a screaming fight with a loved one about how you desperately need more peace and tenderness. APRIL FOOL! A little bit of self-con- tradiction would be cute, but not THAT much. And yet I do worry that you are close to expressing THAT much. The problem may be that you haven’t been giving your inner rebel any high-quality mischief to attend to. As a result, it’s bogged down in trivial insurrections. So please give your inner rebel more important work to do. #ExplOREgon #OregonExplored #TravelOregon #SeenInEugene #OregonLove #UpperLeftUSA #PNW#NWisTheBest #PacificNorthWest #DWNTWNEUG #ThatOregonLife #EugeneOregon #EUG #541 #BestOfOregon #ThatPNWlife #PNWCollective #VisualsGang #YourOregon #GetLost #Nature #EWExposure #UrbanAndStree t#IllGrammers #UrbanAisle #GramSlayers #ArtOfVisuals LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Research shows that a typical working couple devotes an average of four min- utes per day in meaningful conversations. I suggest you boost that output by at least ten percent. Try to engage your best companion in four minutes and 24 seconds of intimate talk per day. APRIL FOOL! I lied. A ten-percent increase isn’t nearly enough. Given the current astrological indicators, you must seek out longer and deeper exchanges with the people you love. Can you manage 20 minutes per day? SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In a way, it’s too bad you’re about to lose your mind. The chaos that ensues will be a big chore to clean up. But in another sense, losing your mind may be a lucky development. The process of reassembling it will be entertaining and informative. And as a result, your problems will become more fasci- nating than usual, and your sins will be especially original. APRIL FOOL! I lied, sort of. You won’t really lose your mind. But this much is true: Your problems will be more fascinating than usual, and your sins will be especially original. That’s a good thing! It may even help you recover a rogue part of your mind that you lost a while back. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You say that some of the healthiest foods don’t taste good? And that some of your pleasurable diversions seem to bother people you care about? You say it’s too much hassle to arrange for a certain adventure that you know would be exciting and meaningful? Here’s what I have to say about all that: Stop whining. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, there will soon be far fewer reasons for you to whine. The discrepancies between what you have to do and what you want to do will at least partially dissolve. So will the gaps between what’s good for you and what feels good and between what pleases others and what pleases you. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You should begin work on a book with one of the following titles and you should finish writing it no later than April 28: “The Totally Intense Four Weeks of My Life When I Came All the Way Home” … “The Wildly Productive Four Weeks of My Life when I Discovered the Ultimate Se- crets of Domestic Bliss” … “The Crazily Meaningful Four Weeks When I Permanently Anchored Myself in the Nourishing Depths.” APRIL FOOL! I lied. There’s no need to actually write a book like that. But I do hope you seek out and generate experiences that would enable you to write books with those titles. #ewexposure for a chance to be featured in EW. Supporting Local Art for the Past Four Decades pilot had to make an emergency landing on a remote snowbound mountain and you had to eat one of the ce- lebrities in order to stay alive until rescuers found you, which celebrity would you want to eat first? APRIL FOOL! That was a really stupid and pointless question. I can’t believe I asked it. I hope you didn’t waste a nanosecond thinking about what your reply might be. Here’s the truth, Aquarius: You’re in a phase of your as- trological cycle when the single most important thing you can do is ask and answer really good questions. 541-689-1503 www.green-hill.org 88530 Green Hill Rd HOMEWORK: Carry out a prank that makes someone feel good. Report results at Truthrooster@gmail.com. GO TO REALASTROLOGY.COM CHECK OUT EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES AND DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES. March 30, 2017 • eugeneweekly.com 541-345-1853 Mon-Sat 10am-8pm Sun 12pm-6pm HUNKY DORY PIPE & TOBACCO PET OF THE WEEK! walk. There’s also an increased likelihood you’ll get a coupon for a five-percent discount from a carpet sham- poo company, or win enough money in the lottery to buy a new sweatshirt. To enhance these possibilities, all you have to do is sit on your ass and wish really hard that good economic luck will come your way. APRIL FOOL! What I just said was kind of true, but also useless. Here’s more interesting news: The odds are bet- ter than average that you’ll score tips on how to improve your finances. You may also be invited to collab- orate on a potentially lucrative project, or receive an offer of practical help for a bread-and-butter dilemma. To encourage these outcomes, all you have to do is develop a long-term plan for improved money management 26 Use the hashtag AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): If you were a passenger on a plane full of your favorite celebrities and the PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You now have an elevated chance of finding a crumpled $1 bill on a side- GUY IN DOLLAR TREE BUYING SOCKS We said a few words at the counter when you held up the line to go back to the aisle to pick up some socks. You apologized. I said “You’re forgiven… this time.” You laughed and we made funny small talk. You left the store and were out of sight by the time I left. The chances are you will never read this but one never knows. See you again? Everybody deserves a good home Mercy and Nola are bonded sisters with a rough past and hearts of gold. The pair were brought in by a Good Samaritan and were most likely born to a feral mother. Mercy and Nola spent time in foster care for socialization and have started to warm up and became very curious. They’re still nervous around new folks, but have started to show more interest in the strangers meet. Mercy and Nola are looking for a family that has the time to help them become more socialized and give them the love and attention they deserve. Can you help these two become a rag to riches story? Hours: Fri-Tu 11am-6pm • Closed Wednesday & Thursday You or a family member may qualify for the Oregon Health Plan (OHP) A family of four earning up to $2,829 a month may qualify for adult coverage. For FREE OHP application assistance, call 541-543-5484
