NEWS
LET TERS
I LOVE CATS
EW HATES CATS
I just read the dog-centric headline of
your news story this week and saw the
photo, and I’m so angry that you would
publish a story about dogs and not mention
cats. I love cats. I love every kind of cat. I
just really love cats and I just want to hug
all of them but can’t.
Your readership also loves cats. You
owe your readers an apology.
Tabitha Catherine
Eugene
Editors Note: The article itself also talked about cats.
SLANT IS SLANTED
Reading your Slant column this week
I was appalled at just how much opinion
that is featured in this section. You are a
newspaper and your job is to report the
news, not tell me your opinion about things
that I disagree with. You should call Slant
“slanted” because it is.
Areeda W. Badcomprehenshunn
Eugene
Editors Note: The Slant column is our opinion section.
UNLEASH YOUR SOUL
I love and appreciate Eugene Weekly
even if I find your environmental coverage
in need of a deeper comprehension of the
Gaia mind. Honor the planet, honor the
non-human animals and bring together all
the life-giving organisms for all to survive.
Walk in beauty. And please make sure
someone sees me in the I Saw Yous.
Earthlover Greenways
Eugene
POLITICS EXPERT
I’m a concerned citizen who wants to
use this platform to spout my own opinion
about international politics. Just thought
you should know.
Ronny Dale
Redding, California
SPORTS
UO RESEARCHERS SAY EUGENE MUSIC
VENUES MAY BE UNSTUCK IN TIME
P
hysicists at the University of Oregon have discov-
ered a small rip in the space-time continuum that
may have resulted in a wormhole opening just above
the stage of McDonald Theatre, a venerated music
venue in Eugene.
“This explains a lot,” said particle physicist Malachi
Constant, whose team of scientists set out this past September
to explain why Eugene, and in particular the McDonald
Theatre and its sister venue, the Cuthbert Amphitheater, seem
to be stuck in a timequake where the same dozen or so musical
acts perform over and over with no noticeable variation.
“It was the strangest quantum phenomenon,” Constant said.
“Tech N9ne, Dark Star Orchestra, Floydian Slips, Rebelution,
showing up again and again. It’s like Groundhog Day.
Philosophically, it made no sense. So we set out to investigate
whether Eugene might be caught in some sort of insidious
temporal loop.”
The theory, Constant says, is that the yawning of the
wormhole has inspired what quantum mechanics calls a
“chronosynclastic infundibulum,” an effect in which time is
flattened and certain matter can exist in several places and times
at once, causing them to show up in the present again and again.
Such a theory, he says, also explains the regular appearance
in town of bands 20 or more years past their prime. “They don’t
realize it isn’t 1976, or 1986,” Constant explains, “or 1996, or
2006. It’s like they’re in a Möbius strip.” He says that, in the
instance of Cuthbert and McDonald, this might help explain a
seemingly insoluble mystery like REO Speedwagon.
“The funny thing is,” he continues, “these shows regularly sell
out despite their repetitive and archaic nature, which makes no
economic sense. Artistic programming thrives on risk and change,
and audiences aren’t stupid. So we’ve begun to ask ourselves if
perhaps the wormhole isn’t larger than we originally thought.”
Constant says the idea that musical acts and audiences
alike are caught in a loop, continually being shunted back and
forth through time, is as chilling as ice-nine.
“If it’s the case that, say, James Taylor as well as the audience
packing the Cuthbert to see him are completely unstuck in
time, you have to ask yourself what is real? What’s original?”
— By Rick Levin
B Y K E N N Y J A C O BY
FANCY BUILDINGS FALLING APART
Former Ducks fear for future of sports at UO
S
everal former Duck football players returned
to Eugene for the Oregon’s annual Pro Day on
Thursday, only to find their once state-of-the-art
facilities in shambles.
Players were horrified as they walked through
the wreckage of the Hatfield-Dowlin Complex, Oregon’s
$95-million football office building that opened just four
years ago.
Several of the individually ventilated lockers in the
locker room had stopped eliminating odors, giving the
room a sweaty aroma. The 64-TV-screen display in the
lobby appeared to be playing in standard definition. The
PlayStation 3s in the sixth-floor players’ lounge had still
not been updated to PlayStation 4s.
Running back De’Anthony Thomas, who now plays for
the Kansas City Chiefs, said the hand-woven rugs from
Nepal looked as though they hadn’t been vacuumed in
weeks, and the Ferrari-leather seats now smell like regular
leather. Thomas was shocked to find Fox Sports 1 playing
on the TV screens built into the bathroom mirrors.
“We used to have ESPN,” he said. “It’s just sad to
watch.”
Hroniss Grasu, a center for the Chicago Bears, was
appalled to find two non-athlete students studying in the
lounge of the John E. Jaqua Academic Center, a $42-million
tutoring center reserved for the exclusive use of student-
athletes. He immediately escorted the interlopers out of the
building.
“Where are the security guards?” Grasu lamented,
adding that the students may have hacked the elevator
keypads in order to gain access to the restricted second and
third floors. “I can only imagine how many other regular
students have gotten away with this.”
Even the Marcus Mariota Sports Performance Center, a
$19-million sports science complex that opened just last year,
was in a state of disrepair. After a tough workout, Mariota
himself tried to get some rest in the nap room — named “Sandy
Beach” after his favorite place in Hawaii — but couldn’t fall
asleep. He couldn’t get comfortable in the reclining sleep
pods, and the star-like lights on the ceiling were too bright.
“I can only sleep in complete darkness,” Mariota said.
Several players demanded that part of the recent
10-percent tuition increase should be allocated for upkeep
of the facilities. Others organized a walk-out protest set to
take place during each player’s morning classes next term.
UO President Michael Schill said he was aware of
the situation but would not delve into specifics until the
administration had gathered all the facts.
“The well-being of our student-athletes is and always
has been a top priority,” Schill said. “We will do everything
in our power to ensure they are not being unfairly treated.”
Head football coach Willie Taggart worried that the
facilities’ decline may be indicative of a bigger problem:
that Oregon is falling behind in the national arms race
in college football. Taggart said the dilapidated facilities
could scare top high-school recruits away to colleges with
fancier buildings and more amenities.
“Clemson’s new building has a mini golf course,
bowling alley and laser tag arena,” Taggart said. “Where’s
our laser tag?”
eugeneweekly.com • A pril 1, 2017
11