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Tony’s Smoke Shop in Corvallis
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FANTASY SCENARIOS
BY DAN SAVAGE
LOVE
I am a straight married man. My wife and I have a 4-year-old and a 3-month-old. We’ve just
started having intercourse again. For Valentine’s Day, we spent the night in a B&B while grandma
watched the kids. We had edibles, drank sparkling wine, and then fucked. It was amazing. After we
came and while we were still stoned and drunk, my wife mentioned she was open to inviting others
into our sex life. I asked about getting a professional sex worker. She said no. But maybe if we were in
a bar (we’re never in bars) and met someone (a unicorn), she might be into it. Anal came up. She’s al-
ways said she’s up for trying anything once. I have a desire to experiment with anal. (Not just me en-
tering her, but her pegging me as well.) I asked if she would use the vibrator we brought on me, just to
experiment. She said she was too high to do anything. I felt let down. I feel she unknowingly teased
me with fantasies I have, not knowing I actually have them. We have a good sex life, and I’m willing
to write off the fantasies we discussed while high and drunk. It’s the teasing that drove me crazy.
Having And Realizing Desires
P.S. I’m in no hurry. We just had a baby, and I don’t want to pressure my wife right now. My fear is
that she may only like the idea of exploring our sexuality together and not the reality of it.
WE
ARE
Some people think about, talk about, and masturbate about certain fantasies without ever wanting to
expert,
realize them. Let’s call them Team Fantasize. Some people think about, etc., certain fantasies and would
confidential
very much like to realize them. Let’s call them Team Realize. There’s nothing wrong with either team. But
care.
when someone on Team Fantasize is married to someone on Team Realize, well, that can be a problem.
• Pregnancy
Knowing
your spouse is turned on by fantasies you share but rules out realizing them—or sets impossi-
testing for realizing them—can be extremely frustrating. And sometimes a frustrated Team Realize
ble conditions
• Birth
spouse
will control
say something like this to their Team Fantasize mate: “Talking about these fantasies togeth-
er—this
kind
of dirty and
talk—it gets my hopes up about actually doing it. If it’s never going to happen, we
• STD
testing
have treatment
to stop talking about it, because it’s frustrating.”
The
problem with that approach? Swingers clubs, BDSM parties, and the strap-on-dildo sections of
• Emergency
your contraceptives
finer sex-positive sex-toy stores everywhere are filled with couples who used to be on opposite
teams—one from Team Fantasize, the other from Team Realize—but they’re both on Team Realize now.
• Annual wellness
And what
got them on the same team? Continuing to discuss and share fantasies, even at the risk of
exams
frustrating the Team Realize spouse.
So if you ever want to have that threesome or experiment with anal, HARD, you need to keep talking
with your wife about these fantasies—and you need to tell her your fantasies too! Tell her you’re not
pressuring her, of course, but let her know these are things you would actually like to do, and the more
you talk about them, the more you want to do them. If she keeps talking with you about them, that’s a
sign. Not a sign that she’s a cruel tease, HARD, but a sign that she’s inching closer toward pulling on a
Team Realize jersey.
P.S. If your wife doesn’t know you have these fantasies—and is consequently teasing you “unknow-
ingly”—that’s your fault, HARD, not hers.
I wanted to tell you about something that happened to my friend. (Really!) She was going to
bang this dude from OkCupid but wasn’t getting a great feeling, so she went to bed and let him crash
on the couch. She woke up the next day to find her underwear drawer empty on the floor and all of
her underwear wrapped around this dude’s feet. She stealthily removed all the panties from his perv
hooves and put her shit away. When the morning actualized itself, they parted amicably with no
mention of the underwear slippers.
Men In Alaska
Ask yourself which is the likelier scenario, MIA. Scenario 1: This guy stumbled around your friend’s
dark apartment in the middle of the night, managed to find her underwear drawer, pulled it out and set it
on the floor, made himself a pair of pantie-booties, had himself a wank, and fell back to sleep. All without
waking your friend. Then your friend got up in the morning, saw her panties wrapped around his hooves,
peeled them off one by one, and returned her panties to their drawer. All without waking Perv Hooves
up. Scenario 2: Your friend got pervy with this guy, wanted to tell you about this guy’s kink, but was too
embarrassed to admit that she played along and possibly got into it.
My money is on Scenario 2, MIA, because I’ve heard this song before: “I met this pervert who did these
perverted things in front of me while I was asleep, and I wasn’t in any way involved and I wasn’t harmed.
Isn’t that pervert crazy?” Yeah, no. In most cases, the person relaying the story played an active roll in
the evening’s perversions but edited the story to make themselves look like a passive bystander, not a
willing participant.
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I’m a 30-year-old straight woman who has been with the same guy (high-school sweetheart!)
for the last 13 years. We love each other deeply, best friends, etc. The problem isn’t that the sex isn’t
good—he’s very good at making me come. But the sex is vanilla and routine, and I would like us to
go beyond that. Nothing extreme, I just want to switch things up a bit. Talking about sex makes my
husband REALLY uncomfortable. If I ask him what he’d like me to do to him while we’re having sex, he
shuts down. He’ll say, “Everything you do is good,” and leave it there. In the very few conversations
we’ve had about this stuff, he’s said that he feels intimidated and doesn’t know what to say. This is
incredibly frustrating for me. How do I get him to loosen up and feel more comfortable about talking
to me so that we can eventually progress to some new experiences?
Why Husband Is Prudish
Have you told him what you want? If you haven’t—if you’re as vague in your conversations with him
as you were in your letter to me—you’re essentially asking your husband to guess at your undisclosed
interests or kinks. Your husband is probably terrified of guessing wrong. He doesn’t know what to do, he
doesn’t know what to say—but he’s told you he’s fine with whatever you want to do. So stop asking him
what he wants to do to you, WHIP, and start doing whatever it is you want to do. Take the initiative, be the
change you want to see in the sack, lean in or bend over or whatever.
From your sign-off, WHIP, I’m guessing you’re interested in some type of BDSM play, most likely with
you in the sub role. So lay your kink cards on the table and offer to dominate him first. A lot of subs do
some topping, i.e., doing unto others as they would like done unto them, and some subs become tops
exclusively. But take baby steps, it’s mild before wild, you gotta nail those junior-varsity kinks before
moving up to varsity-level kinks, etc.
On the Lovecast, a pro dom on being a sex worker and a single mom: savagelovecast.com.
MAIL@SAVAGELOVE.NET • @FAKEDANSAVAGE • THE SAVAGE LOVECAST AT SAVAGELOVECAST.COM
eugeneweekly.com • February 23, 2017
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