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This is a touchy and gross subject. I am a 17-year-old girl growing up in an adoptive family
in Australia. I was sexually abused by my birth family, and I think it really fucked up my
sexuality. The only thing that gets me off is the idea of people absolutely destroying their
lives for an orgasm. I started with mild S&M stories and then moved on to grosser stuff
like murder (stories and online images), pedo (stories only), and lately I’ve been thinking
about my (adoptive) parents. The thing is, it doesn’t have to be a particular category. As
long as it’s the most vile thing I can think of, it will get me off. There isn’t a pattern as far
as gender, age, or relationship to the people I am fantasizing about; it just has to be hor-
rible, the kind of thing that would destroy you in real life. These fantasies alone are scary
enough, but because they are literally the only things that get me off, I can’t even really
tell if I’m attracted to boys or girls or none of the above. I’m scared to talk to a counselor
about this because I don’t want to freak my parents out. I mean, I’ve got my quirks, but
overall I seem like a pretty healthy kid, and I try not to worry them. I don’t expect you to
solve this problem via your column, but do you have any ideas for how I could get help with
this without messing up my family?
Not Over Painful Experiences
Sane people can have extreme and/or violent sexual fantasies, NOPE, and extreme and/or
violent sexual fantasies do not make sane people crazy. (Let’s call them EVSFs for short, shall
we?)
But you need to talk to a shrink — not because you’re hopelessly damaged or the only per-
son out there with EVSFs, but because you’re troubled by your fantasies. And that’s under-
standable. It’s diffi cult to have EVSFs — or to fi nd a healthy way to incorporate EVSFs into
your sex life, or to fi gure out how to dial EVSFs way the fuck back if there’s no healthy way to
incorporate them into your sex life — when your erotic imagination is constantly dragging
you to new and more disturbing places. And while most people’s fantasies are relatively fi xed,
i.e., certain types of people or scenarios turn them on, your erotic imagination seems to be on
the hunt for new “wrong” thoughts, images, stimuli, and scenarios. You need to seize control
of your sexuality, and you’ll need help doing that, or your sense of estrangement from your
sexuality will only continue to grow.
That said, NOPE, you could be seeing causation where there is only coincidence. There are a
lot of people out there who didn’t suffer the kind of abuse you did — or any kind of abuse at all
— but who nevertheless have EVSFs. Some people with troubling fantasies or interests have
found relief with low-dose antidepressants; some folks with post-traumatic stress disorder
(PTSD) have been helped by novel programs that incorporate MDMA, aka ecstasy, into their
treatment plans. You could be suffering from PTSD, considering your history.
A good therapist — one with whom you are completely honest — may be able to help you
reshape and redirect your fantasies in the direction of still-intense, less-wrong, not-constant-
ly-escalating stimuli that gives you the “wrongness” charge you need without nuking your
mental health or your life. (Stay away from all pedo porn sites, NOPE, even “stories only” porn.
Please.) And a good sex therapist can help you draw a clear distinction between your adult
sexuality — whatever form it takes — and your history of sexual abuse. (I shared your letter
with a sex researcher I trust, and she urged me to urge you to insist on seeing a reputable ther-
apist who does sex therapy specifi cally, as they’re less likely to be sex-negative and there-
fore less likely to react with prudish or panicked judgments when you disclose your EVSFs.)
Considering the abuse you suffered at the hands of your family of origin, NOPE, I trust that
your adoptive parents are aware that you may need professional help throughout your life
and that your asking for help is a good sign about (1) you as a person and (2) them as parents.
At your very fi rst appointment, ask your shrink to confi rm that your sessions are confi den-
tial. If for some reason your shrink tells you he or she can’t offer you complete confi dentiality
(which they can and, in most places, are required to do by law, unless you’re a danger to your-
self or others), thank the nice shrink for his or her time and ask your parents to make you an
appointment to see a different shrink.
Please get help — not because you are or may be kinky, NOPE, but because you’re struggling
with doubt, you’re confused about your sexual orientation, and you’re rightly worried about
the way your erotic imagination keeps upping the “wrongness” ante. And remember: Not all
counselors or shrinks are created equal. If you don’t like or click with the fi rst one you see, tell
your parents you want to see someone else.
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I am gay and I have a brother who’s gay. The problem is, he is very much into humiliation.
He exposes himself online and allows his online “masters” to have control over his pic-
tures and videos. I found his pictures recently, and the embarrassment and humiliation
were a huge turn-on for him. (In real life, we’ve never shown any interest sexually in each
other whatsoever. But when he asked if I had any naked pictures, I told him I did and sent
some to him, and somehow that was a bit of a turn-on, I must admit.) On to the real prob-
lem: Soon, my brother told me that he felt really guilty, cleaned up his hard drive, deleted
all his pics and mine and asked me to do the same, and swore off playing online. But I found
evidence that he’s resumed this habit. This has been a pattern for him, he says, and he in-
sists he was somehow damaged in childhood. I told him I see him as my kinky brother and
that he might be happier if he could just accept himself. But I don’t think he should quit his
“addiction” cold turkey, as it hasn’t worked in the past.
Bro Of Kinky Bro
There are people who manage to turn their lives upside down in pursuit of their turn-ons —
there are people whose sex lives are complete fucking shitshows — and all they’re into is
heterosexual sex in the missionary position in their own bedrooms with the lights off. Your
brother’s problem isn’t his childhood or his kink. His problems, plural, are his self-loathing, his
attempts to swear off his kink (which leads to these binge-and-purge cycles), and the reck-
less ways he indulges his kink when he’s bingeing.
Instead of running from his kinks — which he can’t do — your brother needs to fi nd safer,
saner ways to satisfy his desire for erotic humiliation and submitting to someone else’s con-
trol. People with humiliation kinks managed to fi nd ways to get off before the internet came
along, BOKB, and so can your brother.
And you need to establish better boundaries, BOKB. No more swapping pics with your kinky
bro, bro, and no more hunting for evidence of your bro’s ill-advised online adventures.
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