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CURIOUS CRAVES
EXPLORATIION
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Ads with a ☎ have Voice Mail Messages call 1-520-547-3020
(Charges may apply)
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Twicethespice11, 19
GOOD VANILLA GIRLIE
I am looking for some fun after a
self-inflicted
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of
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salickylou, 29, g
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I’m just a young woman looking
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Celeste, 32
Back after hiatus. Friends say I’m
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Savage Love
WORDS OF PURE WISDOM by Dan Savage
I’m a gay man in my late 20s who has been trying to deal with an attraction to young
boys since I hit puberty. I know that what I feel is wrong and wish to Christ that I could have a
normally wired brain. I have never abused a child; I do not look at child pornography. But I need
to speak to a therapist because I can’t get through this on my own. Bottom line is I’m afraid.
Seriously afraid. I don’t know what my legal rights are and I don’t know how to go about get-
ting more information without incriminating myself. I’m sure there are more people than just
me who need to talk about this. My problem is that I’m not fi nancially stable enough to afford
seeing someone for more than a few sessions. I just can’t keep saying I’m fi ne, and I can’t let
healthy relationships fall apart because I’m unable to talk to anyone about my problem.
Can’t Wish It Away
I shared your letter with Dr. James Cantor, a psychologist, associate professor at the Uni-
versity of Toronto, and editor in chief of Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment.
(Follow Dr. Cantor on Twitter @JamesCantorPhD.) The fi rst thing he said, CWIA, was that you
deserved praise — he called you “an ace” — for making it this far without having committed an
offense.
But accessing the support you need to get through the next six or seven decades of life
without sexually abusing a child — support the culture should provide to men and women like
you in order to protect children — isn’t going to be easy, Dr. Cantor said, particularly if you live
in the United States.
“Other countries have created programs to help people like CWIA,” said Dr. Cantor.
“Germany has Prevention Project Dunkelfeld, which includes a hospital-based clinic and
anonymous hotlines that people who are attracted to children can call when they need to talk
to someone, vent, or debrief. In Canada, we have the Circles of Support and Accountability
— groups of volunteers who provide assistance and social support and who, in turn, receive
support and supervision from professionals.”
But Canada funds these programs only for people who committed a sexual offense. The
Circles program isn’t open to “gold-star pedophiles,” my term for men and women who have
successfully struggled against their attraction to children without any support or credit. (Yes,
credit. Someone who is burdened with an attraction to children — no one chooses to be sexu-
ally attracted to children — and successfully battled that attraction all of his adult life deserves
credit for his strength, self-control, and moral sense.)
Sadly, in the United States, we’ve taken steps that make it harder for pedophiles to get the
support they need to avoid offending.
“One of the recent regulations in the United States is mandatory reporting,” said Dr.
Cantor. “These regulations vary by region, but in general, if a client has children or provides
care to children and admits to experiencing sexual attraction to children — any children — the
therapist is required to report the client to the authorities, regardless of whether any abuse
was actually occurring.”
The goal is to protect children, of course, and that is a goal I fully support as a parent and
a human being. But broad mandatory reporting policies have an unintended consequence:
People like CWIA — people who need help to avoid acting on their attraction to children — are
cut off from mental health professionals who can give them the tools, insight, and support
they need. Mandatory reporting policies, designed to protect children, may be making children
less safe.
“The situation is not completely hopeless, however,” said Dr. Cantor. “Therapists with train-
ing and experience working with people attracted to children are keenly aware of the delicate
legal situation that both they and their clients are in. A good therapist — a licensed therapist,
please — will begin the very fi rst session by outlining exactly what they must report and what
they may not report.”
So long as there is no specifi c child in specifi c danger — so long as you don’t have children
(please don’t), CWIA, and don’t work with children (please don’t) — your therapist is required to
keep whatever information you share confi dential.
“CWIA should ask questions about confi dentiality before disclosing anything to a thera-
pist,” said Dr. Cantor. “He can ask these questions over the phone before making an appoint-
ment or even revealing his name.”
To fi nd a therapist, CWIA, you can contact — anonymously — the Association for the Treat-
ment of Sexual Abusers (http://atsa.com/request-referral).
“Although that group is primarily about services to persons who have already committed
an offense,” said Dr. Cantor, “the professionals in their referral network are able and willing to
help people in CWIA’s situation as well.”
Even the few sessions you can afford will help, CWIA.
I’m a happy fi ftysomething straight female sub in a D/s relationship. My Dom is my boy-
friend; we present as a regular couple. We decided to take a break for several months because
of some trust issues. We are now back together. While we were on our break, my adult daugh-
ter from my fi rst marriage told me that she was happy we split up because she viewed his be-
havior toward me as abusive. She based this on my generally deferring to his wishes. In other
words, I was behaving as his sub. She believes that I am a brainwashed abused woman who
cannot break free of her abuser. She won’t have anything to do with him, believing that he is
not a good man. If I want to see her and the grandkids, I visit alone. There is no way I am going
to tell her that we are D/s, because my private life is none of her business. Also, I don’t think
that picturing Grandma getting spanked with a leather belt is an image she would want seared
in her brain. What can I say to her to reassure her that I am happy and not being abused?
Only Kinky
Sorry, OK, but you made your private life your daughter’s business.
You don’t have to tell your daughter the whole truth (leave out the leather belt), but you
will have to tell her that what she witnessed — you behaving as your boyfriend’s sub — was
consensual role-play, not abuse. Tell her that it was never your intent to involve her or anyone
else in your sex play, you thought your role-play was so subtle that no one else would ever
pick up on it, and you’re sorry to have to burden her with this info. But you’re in a consensual
D/s relationship, and what she has interpreted as abuse is just an elaborate, consensual game
that you both enjoy. Promise to dial it way, way back from now on.
But you will have to come clean with, and come out to, your daughter — if only to exoner-
ate your boyfriend, who isn’t an abuser and shouldn’t have to live with that stigma.
Awesome advice to Heartbroken, the woman who agreed to have a MFF threesome on the
condition that her husband not engage in PIV intercourse with their third. You told her hus-
band that his inability to respect his wife’s ground rules had probably screwed him out of any
opportunity to have PIV sex with other women in the future. I’m in a nonmonogamous mar-
riage. We started off with MFF threesomes, but I gave my husband the “no penis in her vagina”
rule. He followed it to a T until I gave him the go-ahead. Now we both screw other people. If my
husband had messed up the fi rst time, though, we never would have gotten this far.
Woman Over Wisconsin
Thanks for sharing, WOW.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
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EUGENE WEEKLY MARCH 8, 2012 39