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KINK Eugene Weekly’s Alternative Dating Site • Browse local postings • Post your own profi le • Connect with local singles Respond to a Kink ad. Visit wink-kink.com and enter the ad ID Ads with a ☎ have Voice Mail Messages call 1-520-547-3020 (Charges may apply) BAD GIRL CURIOUS I am interested in girl on girl action, or joining a couple. I have never done anything like this before, but I can not get it off of my mind. ur2crazy, 41, #106714 Bi-curious male, clean, fit, seeks beautiful boy for first time encounter. I want to adore your smooth, lean body. A lot to ask for? Of course. maxd, 41, g , #103934 BIGBOOBS, SEXY, FUN SEXY MAMA Seeking fun and new adventures. SexxxyMa, 36, #106646 YOUR CHOCOLATE FANTASY I Have soft yet strong hands Let me caress your skin and ease your tension. Be drug and dis- ease free. 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I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, and it was a really great experience. I was drawn to BDSM even before I began having sex, and he’s been happily fulfi lling my needs. However, he revealed fairly early on that he also enjoys being submissive during sex. I asked him to explain what sort of dominance he was looking for, but he said he’d rather show me. Recently he tried to steer a sex session in that direction — me dominating him — but I felt nervous and self-conscious. I felt like I was failing a pop quiz. How do I become more comfortable with being a dom? Any tips for fi rst-time doms? Or am I just not cut out for this? Not Quite A Dom There are a lot of skilled, confi dent BDSM tops out there — people who are exclusively dom- inant or switch — who got into it for the same reason you’ve started to explore your dominant side, NQAD: to please a submissive and/or switch partner. But “show me” is not how a couple incorporates BDSM into their sex life. Maybe he’s hav- ing a hard time articulating his desires because he’s shy, or maybe he’s insecure, or maybe he mistakenly believes that sex — even logistically complicated sex — should just “happen naturally.” So here’s my fi rst tip: Force him to talk about what sort of BDSM or D/s play he’s interested in. A lot can be assumed during a strictly vanilla sexual encounter — far too much is assumed, far too often — but what goes on during a sexual encounter involving BDSM has to be specifi - cally and explicitly negotiated. If he’s too shy to have a face-to-face conversation about his kinks, do it over e-mail. If he doesn’t feel comfortable sending e-mails (they live forever on a server, they can be forwarded), tell him to you write you a letter, read it in his presence, then tear it up. Second tip: The less a newbie dom has to fake during BDSM sex, NQAD, the less daunting the role feels. Instead of pretending that you’re a menacing and experienced dom, incorporate what’s really going on — your boyfriend is so submissive that he’s submitting to his submissive girlfriend, and how perverted is that? — into your play and dirty talk. Then your unfamiliarity with the dom role becomes something you’re bringing to the scene, NQAD, not something that’s causing you to fail at it. Third tip: A blindfold is an inexperienced dom’s best friend. Not ready to visit your local BDSM sex shoppe? An ACE bandage will do the trick. You’ll feel much less self-conscious if he can’t see you fumbling with rope, suppressing a nervous giggle, or searching high and low for a mislaid key to the handcuffs. I recently made friends with a guy who is in his fi rst sexual relationship. He comes to me, his best male buddy, with questions, and I try to make sure he’s informed and being safe. But he’s asked me a question about oral sex that I don’t know how to answer. What is a man sup- posed to do when he’s about to ejaculate during oral sex? I feel like there should be a polite version of “Where do you want it?” that a guy can say to a woman, but I’ll be damned if I can think of it. Sexual Advice Xactly Our Need When your friend is getting close — when he’s approaching “orgasmic inevitability,” as the sex researchers call it — he should say, “I’m getting close.” (Duh, right?) And just as he’s passing the point of orgasmic inevitability — his mother kicking down the bedroom door and leading a SWAT team into the room couldn’t keep him from ejaculating — he should say, “I’m coming.” At that moment, the blowjob bestower — your friend’s new GF, in this case — can remove the dick from her mouth and point it at her tits or over her shoulder or at his mother. Or she can leave it in her mouth, let him come, and then decide if she wants to spit or swallow. She’s the decider. 541-510-5773 % & 4 * ( / 1 ) 0 5 0 ( 3 " 1 ) : Savage Love Christmas Lingerie IN STOCK NOW I’m a 24-year-old straight girl, and vaginal sex does nothing for me. I’ve never been molest- ed and I don’t take pills. I feel sexual pleasure in other parts of my body and experience clitoral orgasms, but as far as getting fucked by a dick goes, it’s about as interesting as a fi nger in a fi st. Through googling, I’ve found others with this issue, and the general response to us seems to be that it’s a surmountable mental problem — which is vague and unhelpful. So I’m asking for the opposite. Is there scientifi c research about this? Is there hope? Or do I just have to learn to deal? It is lonely and depressing to experience the gold standard that is vaginal sex as a kind of animate masturbatory aid. Also, at what point do I tell my partners I have this malfunction? Wrong Type Freak “I’d recommend that she spend some time exploring her vagina, trying different posi- tions, experimenting with placing pressure on the posterior and anterior walls of her vagina, and with friction on her cervix,” says Meredith Chivers, an assistant professor of psychology, a clinical psychologist, and a sexuality researcher at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario. “The best position to do all this is with her on top, controlling the speed, depth, and trajectory — for lack of a better word — of the thrusts, and pairing this with clitoral stimulation.” If you decide to give vaginal intercourse another shot, Chivers also recommends that you warm up with lots of oral sex, toys, masturbation, and the other stuff you enjoy. That way you’ll be “engorged, erect, and lubricated, and subjectively turned on” before penetration. Chivers also wonders if you’ve discovered your G-spot. “If she hasn’t found her G-spot, fi nding it might be a watershed moment,” says Chivers. “For some women, G-spot stim is as- sociated with experiencing intense ‘vaginal’ orgasms and ejaculating.” Finding the G-spot can be tricky, Chivers adds, and it’s best to attempt it when you’re very aroused. “Stimulate the anterior wall of the vagina (side nearest the belly button) about fi ve centimeters in,” says Chiv- ers, by using a “come here” motion with the index fi nger. And if you try all of that — or if you’ve already tried that — and it doesn’t work? “Perhaps it simply is the case that for her, like a substantial minority of women, vaginal penetration is not all that fulfi lling,” says Chivers. “If so, I would strongly recommend that she reinterpret her lack of interest in vaginal sex as a preference — one that is not uncommon — and not a malfunction.” “As for telling her partners,” says Chivers, “I suppose it depends on the nature of the rela- tionship and whether or not she’s willing to be GGG and have vaginal sex to satisfy her partner, even though this may not be her fi rst choice on the menu.” In other words, WTF, if penetration doesn’t cause you emotional or physical distress — if it’s something you can take or leave — tell a new partner early on about your strong preference for other forms of sex. Then indulge the dude in vaginal intercourse when you’re up for it, or he’s desperate for it, while incorporating lots of clitoral stimulation during the act. Meredith Chivers tweets on sex and gender research, sociopolitical issues relating to sexual and gender minorities, and psych research in general. Follow Chivers — and learn from her — on Twitter @QSagelab. (And you can follow me at @fakedansavage.) Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net WWW.EUGENEWEEKLY.COM • BLOGS.EUGENEWEEKLY.COM EUGENE WEEKLY NOVEMBER 17, 2011 35
