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Greenhill
❊ Pet of the Week ❊
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Hours: Fri-Tu 11am-6pm • Closed Wednesday & Thursday
¡ASK A MEXICAN!
BY GUSTAVO ARELLANO
Dear Mexican: I feel that the more Mexicans who come to this
country, the better. I am a Mormon, a member of the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In our Book of Mormon, on
page 54, it says on the left side of the page in verse 6, "There
shall none come into this land save they shall be brought by the
hand of the Lord." I want as many Mexicans in this country as
possible, and then I want to tell them about Joseph Smith and
get them baptized and enjoy the blessings of the temple. Come
on down — you are welcome by me. —
Love my Brown Brothers
Dear Gabacho: Gracias for your welcom-
ing heart, even if your ulterior motive is
stealing Mexicans away from the Virgin
of Guadalupe for a religion requiring
magic underwear. While we’re talking
about Moroni worshippers, can you do
me a favor and ask Mitt Romney why
he’s such an ingrate toward Mexicans?
After all, Romney would’ve probably
been some Jack Mormon jerk-off if it
weren’t for porous fronteras and living in vio-
lation of a country’s laws. His great-grandfather Miles
Park Romney fled los Estados Unidos for Mexico during the 1880s to
escape American authorities and continue his polygamous ways, while
Mitt’s papi George was born in Chihuahua and therefore more Mexican
that your typical Chicano Studies major. Not only that, but Pancho Villa’s
troops were kind enough to not massacre Mormon colonies during the
Mexican Revolution, thus allowing the infant George and his family to
return home and ensure Mitt’s Brilliantined hair would grace America.
One final point, Brown Brothers: por favor tell Mitt and all other
Mexican-hating LDSers that the Book of Mormon requires amnesty for
illegals. The above quote you cited came from the Second Book of Nephi
and is a wonderful passage, but what about the one before it? 2 Nephi 1:5
tells the Saints that Lehi prophesized about America, "Yea, the Lord hath
covenanted this land unto me, and to my children forever, and also all
those who should be led out of other countries by the hand of the Lord."
Hear that, Mitt? Let my gente go — into the United States with free
health care, por supuesto.
How can a white guy learn how to type in Spanish? Not learn the
language — how do you make the keyboard type Spanish charac-
ters? — Carpal Tunnel Cabrón
Dear Gabacho: It depends on what operating system you use and what
you’re trying to type. To make an acute accent appear on a Macintosh,
hold down the Option key, hit the E key, release Option, then type the
vowel you want accented. Spanish’s other diacritics get registered rough-
ly the same way. An umlaut appears by pressing Option, hitting the U
key, releasing Option and hitting U again; do the same if you want a
tilde, but substitute the N key for U. For upside-down exclamation
points, hold down Option and hit the 1 key — ¡Voila! An upside-down
question mark is a bit trickier — hold down Option plus Shift, then
punch the question-mark key, ¿comprende?
Microsoft Word is somewhat trickier. Upside-down exclamation points
and question marks require you push Control plus Alt plus Shift, then
type whatever you want flipped around. Acute accents pop up after you
hold down Control, then hit the apostrophe key; release and type in your
vowel. A tilde: Control+Shift+squiggly mark, release, the letter N. Both
Macs and Microsoft require you hold the Shift key after executing the
above instructions if you want a diacritic to top a capital letter. And
remember, people: no grave accents in Spanish, or tildes on letters other
than n — that’s the domain of the mongrel tongue known as Portuguese.
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net. Letters will be
edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!
www.irunwithscissorsthesalon.com
P HONE FOR AN APPOINTMENT : 541-870-0388
T OWNHOUSE P LAZA - 570 L AWRENCE S UITE 112 • E UGENE , OR
Gustavo Arellano is an investigative reporter on staff at the OC Weekly in Orange County, California.
His "¡Ask a Mexican!" column began in 2004 and today is syndicated in 32 publications nationwide.
He is also the author of a book by the same name. An extensive interview with Arellano can be found
in the EW archives online for Nov. 29, 2007.
JANUARY 10, 2008 37