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SICK OF PORTLAND
SENSUAL EXCHANGE
BE CHOOSY
Liberal bicycling punk rocker
seeks contacts and info about
living in Eugene. I am very
interested in moving there by
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please... ☎ 2443
SWM seeks sexy female for
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I’m 6’, 165 lbs, very hung, very
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STOCKING STUFFER
Where is my sweet hippie
mama mushroom queen? I
hope your compass leads you
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Single, straight, sane, shyish,
sincere and exceedingly busy.
HWP, WM, 53. Blond/blue ISO
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2460
HERE’S TO YOU!
Andy, you are the light of my
life. Loving you forever &
always. Love Peanut.
ANOTHER DELICIOUS
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celebrated
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Aug. 8, 2007
Announcing
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Savage Love
WORDS OF PURE WISDOM by Dan Savage
I’m 19, female, bisexual, and have been with the same guy for a year and things are great. I
came home for Christmas and he went to his parents’ house, and I’ll see him in a few weeks. For
Christmas, my mom got me some typical “mom” gifts—socks and underwear—but the panties had
Disney princesses on them. I feel like a pedophile just owning them! I get it: She doesn’t like the
idea that I might be having sex, especially with the alarming rate that babies are popping out of
teenage girls—but, come on.
Holiday Blues
Even if Mom was trying to send you a coded message—and I am not convinced that was her
intent—you can turn the lemons of your mother’s disapproval into the lemonade of a good, safe,
responsible sex life. So Mom is not happy about her daughter being sexually active—that’s too
bad for Mom, right? Show Mom that her fears were misplaced by making sure you don’t get your
19-year-old ass knocked up or knocked around.
As for feeling like a pedophile, HB, there’s nothing pedo about a 19-year-old bi chick in Disney-
princess underpants. A little girl in those panties is innocent and darling. A sexually active 19-
year-old in those panties is ironic and daring. (A quick poll of straight men—or man, as the sample
size was small—also revealed that 100 percent consider 19-year-old bisexual girls in Disney
panties “sexy as fucking hell.”) So when your boyfriend eats your pussy through a pair of your
new Disney underpants—when he filters your vaginal secretions through an image of Jasmine or
Ariel or Belle—he will not only be helping you assert your right to sexual fulfillment despite your
mother’s disapproval, HB, but helping you deconstruct a patriarchal heteronormative discourse
that reifies female purity and holds up female undergarments as moral status markers. And
when he services your clit, HB, the boyfriend will also be servicing those princesses. His efforts
will transform them into the fully sexual beings their corporate creators never intended them to
be.
To think your boyfriend can accomplish all of that—and strike a blow against repressive
monarchical systems, too—just by eating your pussy while you wear your new panties, HB! And all
you have to do is lie back, pull the stick out of your ass, and enjoy.
I realize Savage Love is a sex-advice column (as evidenced by much vulgar language), but I’m
going to ask anyway.
(1) What is your definition of love?
(2) How do you know if you’re in “love”?
(3) How do you know if they’re the “one”?
Anonymous
(1) Love is making out with someone after you’ve blown a load on his/her face.
(2) You know you’re in love when you’re eating breakfast in a restaurant together the morn-
ing after he/she blew a load on your face and you suddenly realize that you didn’t wash your face
when you got out of bed that morning and you don’t care.
(3) You know he/she is the one when he/she realizes that you’ve just realized that you’re eat-
ing breakfast in a restaurant the morning after he/she blew a load on your face and you didn’t
wash your face when you got out of bed that morning and he/she smiles, leans over the table,
and gives you a kiss.
I am a 27-year-old straight male. My girlfriend and I are getting serious, but one issue stands
between us and a bright future. It is an issue that literally causes me to lose sleep and it is start-
ing to become destructive to our relationship.
I have always been paranoid regarding the size of my penis. I know from research that, when
erect, I am just slightly to the left of the bell-curve peak. I thought I had learned to accept this.
My renewed feeling of insecurity stems from a comment my girlfriend made in an attempt to
offer me some reassurance about the size of my genitalia. In an attempt to alleviate my worries,
my girlfriend observed that it sometimes hurts when a penis is “really huge.” She then let it slip
that her ex-boyfriend of five years was famous in their high school due to “locker-room gossip.”
I remember from high school that the only boys who were the subject of locker-room gossip
were the ones carrying around a third leg. Further buttressing my fears, my girlfriend confessed
that the only time her ex-boyfriend’s penis hurt her was after having three or more encounters
in a single day. On a separate note, my girlfriend likes really hard sex. I have had sex with over
30 women in my life and I have never run into a girl who likes sex as hard as she does. The hard-
er I bring it, the more she likes it. (Admittedly, I like this aspect.) Unfortunately, I fear that I am
not satisfying her due to her having once been accustomed to being roughly used by a man with
a very large penis.
I have more information that I believe contributes to my feeling that she wants a larger
penis, but I would like to keep this reasonably short as I know you are a busy man. But my final
thoughts are these: She says she is having the best sex of her life with me. I see two possible
explanations for this assertion on her part: (1) She is telling the truth and really is having the
best sex of her life with me; or (2) she is not satisfied and is lying to me and eventually our rela-
tionship will break down due to her lack of sexual satisfaction.
If you are still reading this, then you have my sincere appreciation. All I seek is your blunt,
objective opinion, however harsh it may be.
Long Insecure Man Pensive
Oh my God, LIMP, shut up. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP. I cut your letter by four-fifths and it’s
still fucking interminable. If you’ve managed to land a girlfriend who can put up with your florid
rhetorical style—you don’t by chance own a comic-book shop in Springfield, do you?—you should
count your blessings and suck up the angst about the size of your dick.
I’m sorry, LIMP, but if your girlfriend’s assurances about the quality of your sex life and her
preference for average-size cock isn’t enough to set you at ease, nothing I can say in this space is
going to do the trick. I’m familiar with dudes like you—insecure bags of slop always harping away
about the size of their dicks—and there’s just no debuttressing your fears. Even if your girlfriend
was a virgin when you met and yours was the only dick she’d ever laid thighs on, LIMP, you would
still be paranoid. You would send me letters insisting that your girlfriend could never truly be sat-
isfied with you, having never experienced the substantially more girthsome appendages of males
lucky enough to be more impressively endowed blah blah blah.
Stop obsessing about your dick, LIMP. Just stop. Your dick is your dick and obsessing about
size only makes you miserable. And verbose. If size were all that mattered, Ron Jeremy would be
People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” every fucking year instead of, you know, those mouse-dicked moth-
erfuckers George Clooney and Matt Damon and Brad Pitt. If knowing your girlfriend used to be
with a guy who had a huge dick—with him three or four times a day, for five long, pussy-punishing
years—is more than your fragile ego can handle, do your girlfriend a favor and dump her now.
Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
SAVAGE LOVE IS PROUDLY SPONSORED BY:
You can also purchase a Blind Box for letters for $15 .
Call 484-0519 or www.eugeneweekly.com
JANUARY 3, 2008 39