Eugene weekly., June 16, 2005, Page 7, Image 7

BY SALLY SHEKLOW
Survivor!
Pushing the limits of reality TV.
Q
BC Television network, executive producer’s office, some
parallel universe:
“Good program idea, J.D., but will those heterosex-
uals work for reality show wages?”
“Sure, Chief. Employment discrimination’s still legal.”
“Good. If they wouldn’t flaunt it, you know, ram their
lifestyles down everyone’s throats, we wouldn’t have such a
problem with hets. ”
“People of Straightness, Boss, that’s what they like to be called.
They get pretty testy about it. ”
“If it’s such a big deal, why do they choose to be that way?”
“Scientists say it’s genetic.”
“Whatever. Your pitch?”
“OK. We take this group of, say, 10 straights. You know, good-looking ones that aren’t too obvi-
ous. Plop them right into the middle of the normal world. Let our cameras follow them.”
“Are our viewers ready for something that weird?”
“Straights have been on TV for years now. Granted, the first show with a hetero main character
got canceled. You can’t blame the sponsors for backing off, what with the boycott threats and all.
But she primed the pump. Now most shows have at least one heterosexual — even reality TV.
Viewers likes seeing straight people, Chief.”
“As long as they stay in their place.”
“Of course. Check it out. First episode, they’ll have to come out to their families. Parents will
cry, wonder where they went wrong, disinherit them, the usual drama.”
“Continue.”
“Second episode they pretend they’re gay to get a job.”
“That could be funny. Maybe show one hiding a picture of her opposite sex lover in her desk,
talking around the water cooler pretending to have been on a date with her girlfriend?”
“That’s the idea. Next they’ll go to the movies. When they’re standing in line with a bunch of
normal couples, they’ll have to act like they’re just friends, be careful not to hold hands.”
“I’m liking this, J.D. How about the hets’ reaction when someone says, Yuck, that’s so het.
Everyone knows it doesn’t mean anything, but the straights get all upset. I’d love that.”
“Done! And we’ll have an episode where they’re on a plane and sit next to a normal person, you
know, a real straight-hater.”
“You’re on a roll now, J.D. I can just see them on some long flight without giving away their,
what do they call it, sexual orientation?”
“Right. We’ll even follow them into church and watch them try to participate in the sacraments.
Even show what happens when a straight person tries to get ordained.”
“Stop, J.D. You’re killin’ me here. This is too good.”
“Wait, Chief, there’s more. Here’s the big one. We’ll have an opposite-sex pair that tries to get
married. They want benefits and legal protection for their kids.”
“Don’t make me think about the gross way they procreate. Why can’t they go to Nebraska? It’s
legal there, isn’t it?”
“So far, the only place. Our hetero couples will go to some state where they’re lobbying the leg-
islature to pass equal rights.
“That’ll never happen.”
“Right! But they think it will, see? There’s the beauty of it!”
“Oooh, J.D. You are a devil.”
“Thanks, Chief. Anyway, say we’ve got a few of these couples who’ve been together a dozen
years or so and really want to get married. We’ll film them rallying, marching, voting, the works.”
“Been there, done that. What’s your angle?”
“I’m getting there. Say some ultra-liberal county commissioners decide it’s their constitutional
obligation to issue marriage licenses equally. Straights show up in droves and get legally married.”
“It’s a fascinating idea, J.D., but it’ll never fly.”
“Wait, wait, here’s the good part. After a year? Right around their first anniversaries? We’ll
have all their marriages annulled! Isn’t that a riot?”
“J.D. You’re a genius. C’mere, give Mama some sugar.”
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Writer Sally Sheklow welcomes comments at sally@wymprov.com
JUNE 16, 2005 7