Intuitive Arts
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Massage
REJUVENATION HEALTH
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often available. Call now 349-
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MASSAGE SPACE, Seeking
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INTRODUCING
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General Store
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Pregnancy
Support
Weddings
BACHELOR,
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LORETTE Parties! Male and
Female Dancers available 24/7
for all celebrations, special
requests. (541) 606-2486.
Writing/Editing
SAY IT RIGHT. Writing, editing,
proofing, typing (term papers,
theses, manuscripts, press
releases, letters, reports,
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Papers, essays, artist statements.
Call Elizabeth at 912-7727.
References.
Bodywork
HOT TUB, with deep massage.
On M, Tu, Th, F. Springfield.
#1617. 741-1777.
MEDIA MEDIUM. These new
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DHARMA MASSAGE Center.
343-2745, M-F. Morning discount,
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University, Ms. Nishan VanAtta,
LIC#3430.
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Sharon 822-3334.
Counseling
PHILOSOPHICAL COUNSEL-
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EXPERIENCED COUNSELOR.
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Enhance your inner and outer life.
Richard Grimaldi, MPW. 344-7604.
Health &
Nutrition
Wellness
HEALTHCARE for the entire
family, $99.95 monthly. No age
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MEDICAL MARIJUANA SIGN
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CHILDBIRTH, PAST AND
PRESENT. Free video and panel
presentation Thursday, May 13,
5:45-7:30 pm. Downtown Eugene
Public Library, Tykeson Room. For
more information, please call
284-5948.
BIRTH INTO WELLNESS Loving
support during pregnancy, birth
and the postpartum period. Please
contact Shea Hardy, birth and post-
partum Doula, at 513-0857 or
Birthintowellness@yahoo.com
Yoga
RIVER ROAD YOGA. Classes,
day retreats. Beginning Hatha
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pm to 9 pm. 344-0553 www.dhar-
malaya.com
Out of the Area
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BY ROB BREZSNY
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Whirl-Zap-Gush
(the Supreme Being formerly known as God) has choreo-
graphed a rigorous dance for you to do this week. It has
a mix of primal and elegant elements; it’s both meditative
and profanely funny. A good title for this mysterious spec-
tacle might be “Holy Ruckus” or “Sacred Uproar.” As
always, of course, you have free will: You can refuse to do
the dance as Whirl-Zap-Gush has choreographed it, and
instead go off and try your own spontaneous improvisa-
tions. But for maximum beauty, truth, and fulfillment, I
suggest you stick with the divinely designed moves.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It’s time to get
a new soundtrack for your life. Whatever music has
served as your mythic theme all this time just doesn’t cut
it any more. You need to sing and listen to songs that res-
onate with the fresh emotional currents that are flowing
through you. As you update this primary source of inspi-
ration, I suggest you turn your attention to others as well.
Look for a book that can change your life, a role model to
inflame your imagination, and a pair of magic underpants.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I’m falling in love
with you all over again, Gemini. You’ve been turning frus-
tration into fuel, and that has impressed me deeply. I’m
fascinated by how you’ve been using your sense of des-
peration as a good excuse to go crazy in creative and
constructive ways. Your inner child and your inner
wiseass have been collaborating to pull off unpredictable
departures from tradition, and I find that very entertain-
ing. I especially admire the warrior energy you’ve been
bringing to your dreams: how you punched a hole in the
nightmare, how you told jokes to the monster, how you
risked everything to wake up.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Cancerian
singer George Michael recently announced that he
intends to give away his music for free, posting it on the
Internet for anyone to download. “I’ve been very well
remunerated for my talents over the years,” he told BBC,
“so I really don’t need the public’s money.” Given the cur-
rent astrological omens, dear Crab, it makes perfect
sense for you to regard Michael as your role model in the
coming week. I urge you to expand your generosity to the
next level as you provide free samples of a resource or
skill you’ve been blessed with in abundance.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Emotional Violence for
Dummies” was the alternate title Cintra Wilson gave to
the film “Mystic River.” Writing in Salon.com, she said
that while Sean Penn is normally a great actor, the role
for which he won his Oscar was overwrought. “I’ve seen
more skillfully calibrated grief at Super Bowl parties,”
Wilson mused. She speculated that the Academy was
“playing catch-up ball,” rewarding him for the better
work he has done in previous movies. I’m guessing that
you will soon have a similar experience, Leo. Like Penn,
who was born in the sign of the Lion, you may get more
credit or recognition than you seemingly deserve for your
current efforts. But it will be well-deserved compensation
for the undervalued wonders you pulled off in the past.
aim is to help her readers “move from painful ambiva-
lence to a clear sense of knowing what to do” about their
relationships. I’ll be saying a prayer with that theme for
you this week, Libra. Whether the relationship in question
is with a person or group or job or institution, it’s high
time for you to be free of swampy vacillation so you can
glide into the future with a decisive, free-spirited vision.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): These days,
Scorpio, you’re like a jeweler who doesn’t own any jewel-
ry; you’re like a TV repair person who never watches TV.
The state you’re in reminds me of an expert gardener
watering the tomato plants when it’s raining. You have
the aura of a mother without any children or a general
whose army is hiding from him. I’m not saying that any of
this is a bad thing. It’s actually pretty enigmatic and inter-
esting. And for all I know, there may be some method in
your madness. Perhaps you’re daring fate to give you
what you don’t know you need.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
The placebo effect is a well-known but little understood
phenomenon in medical science. Studies have shown that
up to a third of all sick people feel better after receiving
pills with no active ingredients. The reason may lie in the
body’s powerful instinct to participate in its own healing.
When it believes help is on the way in the form of med-
ication, it joins in by releasing endorphins, the natural opi-
ates that induce relaxation and a sense of well-being.
These thoughts lead me to my analysis of your astrologi-
cal omens, Sagittarius: I believe that your current ail-
ments, both physical and psychological, are exactly the
kind that are most responsive to placebo cures. So load
up! M&M’s are effective, I’ve found, as are Pez candy and
the little white pills contained in toy doctors’ kits.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Here’s how cartoonist Matt Groening feels about love:
“Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then
suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.”
Here, on the other hand, is what composer Wolfgang
Amadeus Mozart believed: “Neither a lofty degree of
intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the
making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of
genius.” My analysis of the astrological omens leads me
to suspect that in the coming weeks your life will be a
vivid embodiment of one of those two definitions,
Capricorn. Which will win out? The outcome will have
nothing to do with blind fate. It’ll depend entirely on
whether you choose to play romantic games or else
devote yourself to the highest form of love you can imag-
ine.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): What if I
told you that you can change the past? It’s true, Aquarius.
You now have power over your memories. It’s a perfect
moment to adjust them, correct them, and reconfigure
them so they will serve you better in the future. You’re
also in a good position to declare your independence from
old images that have been oppressing you. There’s no
need to feel trapped into being who you used to be if
that’s not who you are anymore.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It just ain’t natural PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Last summer,
for a Virgo to be a spectacular exhibitionist. We
astrologers might be forgiven, then, if we’ve wondered
how the singer Beyoncé could possibly be a member of
your tribe, as she claims to be. Recently, the mystery was
solved. In an interview with the “Star,” Beyoncé revealed
that a character named Sasha takes over her body
onstage. “There’s no way I’d wear a short little dress and
dance like that in front of all those people,” she said. I
bring this up, Virgo, because I’d like you to consider
acquiring your own alternate personality. He or she could
help you fulfill your current cosmic mandate, which is to
climb to a rooftop or mountaintop or tabletop and do a
song and dance dedicated to the person you want to be
five years from today.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): There’s a book by
Mira Kirshenbaum called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to
Stay: A Step-By-Step Guide to Helping You Decide
Whether to Stay in or Get Out of Your Relationship. Her
three exhibitors at the Ohio State Fair tried to fool a
panel of judges. The men glued hairpieces on their cows
in an effort to hide the animals’ sagging backs. But
inspectors discovered the bovine toupees and disqualified
the cheaters. Now if you Pisceans tried something like
this in the coming week, you’d probably get away with it
— at least according to my analysis of the astrological
omens. I don’t recommend it, though. Ironically, you’re
far more likely to win competitions or succeed at chal-
lenges if you don’t engage in subterfuge. Being honest
and ethical will give you an unbeatable power you can’t
tap into any other way.
Homework: Brag about your flaws
and weaknesses and mistakes, preferably with a
grandiose lack of inhibition. Send a record of your boast
to beautyandtruth@freewillastrology.com
You can call for your EXPANDED WEEKLY HOROSCOPE: 1-900-950-7700 • $1.99 per minute • Touchtone phone 18 & over • c/s 612-373-9785
MAY 13, 2004 35