Eugene weekly., March 25, 2004, Page 7, Image 7

BY SALLY SHEKLOW
Axis of Evil
Pondering the slippery slope.
‘Does that mean you have to allow a man to marry his pet or a man to
marry his chair?’ — The Honorable Jon Bruning, attorney general of
Nebraska, responding to the Massachusetts State Supreme Court
decision on marriage equality.
D
oes removing legal barriers to spouses of
the same sex really put us on a slippery
slope to pet and chair marriage? Don’t
get me wrong, I’m as fond of a slippery slope as
the next dyke. But I don’t buy marriage equality
being the slip’n’slide to hell.
Still, I could see marrying my cat. We have a
fulfilling, egalitarian relationship, even though I’m a
lot older and have opposable thumbs. I adore her,
and the feeling is mutual. She cuddles me. She touches
her nose to mine. She leaves her regurgitated kibble exactly
where my foot will land when I step out of bed. The cat is into me.
I wouldn’t have a problem with marrying my chair either. My favorite chair
never lets me down. It’s accommodating yet independent enough to stand on
its own four legs. My chair has comforted and sustained me through many a
trying time. It unselfishly shares its collected spare change and popcorn ker-
nels. My chair accepts me for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, good
times and bad, happy and sad. I trust my chair will support and honor me as
long as we both shall live.
If the slippery slope leads to chair-marrying, go ahead and sign me up.
Not that the chair is eligible for much in the way of retirement benefits or
Social Security, or that a floral recliner would be especially judicious if it ever
had to oversee my estate. But were I to wind up in the emergency room, say, I
wouldn’t mind opening my eyes to the soothing sight of my beloved chair.
If we are on a slippery slope for real, and marriage equality is really a
crazy wild ride into chaos and eventually polygamy — as constitutional
amendment supporters predict — I can state unequivocally, I would be willing
to marry both my cat and my chair.
If it comes down to the law allowing me to marry the woman I’ve been
sharing a bed with for 16 years and jump the broom with my cat (she’s a good
jumper!) and get hitched to my chair (it’s stable!), I’m certain my cat and my
chair would be fine with that. All three objects of my affection accept my
multiple devotion, and they are only rarely just a teensy bit jealous when one
gets more attention than the other (except my chair—never jealous!). So
what’s the hullabaloo?
Homos aren’t all that scary anymore. Years of exposure from the likes of
Ellen and the Queer Eye guys and all of us coming out have made an impact.
These days most people tend to like us. Regular folks aren’t feeling threat-
ened the way they did back when they believed we were recruiting their chil-
dren and doing all the other icky things the OCA said in the Voters Pamphlet.
Apparently, marriage between loving same-sex partners doesn’t engender
enough panic in the public. To get folks seriously lathered up, now the bigots
have to throw in the cat, too (she doesn’t like being thrown), and the poor
chair. As if marrying a pet or a chair is some deep-seated nightmare — the
looming terror people will do anything to avoid, even vote to amend the
Constitution. A cat in a bridal veil. A chair in a tux. Ooooh! The new Axis of
Evil.
Did we think we’d ever see the day when affection for pets and chairs
would rattle the public cage more than two sissyfaggots or two bulldaggers
dropping out of the patriarchal paradigm to make it with each other? We
have come a long way, baby!
SPRING
ON
BY
and get YO-SELF some PIE!
E
Lots of FRESH arrivals! E
New GLASS!
E Tons of new TUBES!
E Marley, Miles Davis, Janis &
Jimi on T-shirts and more
E Hempy’s belts & hats
E
Fly on by for a piece of the PIE!
Mon-Sat 10-7/ Sun 12-5 E Corner of 11th & Willamette
To protest the constitutional amendment, visit www.dontamend.com Sally Sheklow teaches essay and mag-
azine writing at Lane Community College Downtown Center. Enroll for spring term at www.lanecc.edu
Sally lives in Eugene with her wife, her cat and her favorite chair.
Tim
Verkler
Real Estate Broker
Former Home Builder
Eugene Resident Since 1973
Multi Million $ Sales - 1999, 2000, 2001,
2002, 2003
www.eugeneproperties4u.com
timverkler@remax.net
"Effective marketing for Home Sellers,
Daily Searches for Home Buyers."
INTEGRITY
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MARCH 25, 2003 7