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Week of May 1
ROB BREZSNY’S
FREE WILL
ASTROLOGY
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Are you the kind of
Aries who pushes on doors that have “pull” signs? Do you
think it’s a thrill to open cartons from the end that reads “open
other end”? Do you love to drive in the carpool lane when
you’re alone in your car? If so, I hope I can convince you to
use your rebellious energy more constructively. You’re now in
possession of the finest insurrectionary energy I’ve seen in
many moons. Your brilliant disobedience could overthrow a sta-
tus quo that’s sorely in need of being replaced.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A fresh fad has
broken out among university students in China: drinking milk
from baby bottles. Psychologists decry this as regressive
behavior, claiming it represents a subliminal yearning to return
to childhood and avoid adult responsibilities. I suppose that
may be true if it becomes habitual. But I’m going to recom-
mend that you take up the practice for just one week, Taurus.
Make it a ritual that helps you reclaim your innocence and see
the world with the eyes of an unspoiled kid.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “I’m too frustrated
to do what it would take to get myself unfrustrated.” Has a
thought like that crossed your mind recently? I bet it has. Or
how about this: “I’m too confused to figure out what questions
I’d need to ask to clarify the issues.” Again, I’d be surprised if
you haven’t felt that way in the last few days. What to do about
it? Here’s my solution: Stop the world. Drop out of your trance.
Run away to a sanctuary where you can make time stand still
for a few days. Empty your mind, relax your ambitions, and
steep yourself in primal silence.
CANCER
(June 21-July 22): From a psycho-
logical and spiritual perspective, Cancerian, it’s harvest time.
The moment has come to reap the fruits you’ve sown since last
July. Judging from my astrological analysis, I believe your yield
will include an abundance of ripe beauties and just a few ripe
uglies. And even those uglies could serve you well if used as
fertilizer for your next round of planting, which is scheduled for
the weeks after your birthday. (P.S. Here’s my guarantee: If you
don’t rake in emotional riches very soon, I’ll eat your shoe. In
the unlikely event your harvest is paltry, send your shoe to me
at P.O. Box 150628, San Rafael, CA 94915.)
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Sometimes the mountain is
hidden from me in veils of cloud,” Denise Levertov wrote in her
poem called “Witness.” “Sometimes I am hidden from the
mountain in veils of inattention, apathy, fatigue, when I forget
or refuse to go down to the shore or a few yards up the road,
on a clear day, to reconfirm that witnessing presence.” This
week, Leo, you’re more likely to be hidden from the mountain
than vice versa. If it happens, though, it won’t be due to inat-
tention, apathy, or fatigue, but because of your intense attune-
ment to your own magnificence. This is not a bad thing in itself,
of course, but it will be if it keeps you from communing with the
mountain. Therefore, see if you can do both: Be an alert wit-
ness full of self-love.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In New York last
January, a talking carp began shouting religious advice in
Hebrew to an Hispanic food preparer who was about to turn it
into a meal. The restaurant owner came in to investigate the
commotion and became a second witness to the event. The
New York Times reported the story, and soon a local Hasidic
sect was proclaiming the fish’s message to be a direct commu-
nication from God. Though many people laugh with derision
when they hear this tale, I retain an open mind. The Divine
Trickster has appeared to me in equally unusual forms. No
doubt you will share my perspective by the end of this week,
Virgo. You’re about to have a visitation that’s maybe a little less
mysterious than a talking fish, but not by much.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I never dreamed that
one day I’d have a pet wasp. But here she is, buzzing tenderly
around my head as I compose this horoscope. I call her
Scheherazade. She has been here three weeks. I lost all fear
she would sting me after the first day, when she landed on me
several times without incident. She seems content with the
food and drink I leave out for her, and I swear that now and
then she performs aerial tricks for my entertainment. I love
having this whirring ally around. Her presence leads me to
imagine that I really have learned to get along with wild forces
of nature without having to control or hurt them. I encourage
you, Libra, to seek your own version of a wasp companion.
SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Some people
refer to me as an astrologer, novelist, or musician. Others call
me a shaman, magician, or teacher. I don’t mind their attempts
to sum me up, but I never refer to myself by those terms. My
business card says I’m an “Aspiring Master of Curiosity,
Apprentice to Crazy Wisdom, and Macho Feminist.” Why? First,
I don’t want to get trapped in the elitist egotism that can arise
from identifying with a label like “shaman.” Second, careerism
is anathema to me. I want the freedom to keep mutating and
not be enslaved to my past accomplishments. Third, I never
want my life to be defined by my job. Fourth, I claim the exclu-
sive right to name and title myself. No one else can have that
power. I recommend that you Scorpios experiment with a simi-
lar approach in the coming weeks.
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Like most county fairs held every summer in American commu-
nities, my hometown’s three-day extravaganza hosts competi-
tions in many categories, from quilt art to pickled vegetables to
decorated bird houses. This July’s fair will add an unusual new
class: Prizes will be awarded to whomever grows the tallest
weed. I predict the winner will be a Sagittarius who begins the
project this week. The rest of you Centaurs are also primed to
capitalize by exploiting things that are normally thought to lack
value, and you won’t have to wait till July to cash in. To get in
the proper mood (which should include compassionate, humor-
ous self-mockery), give yourself a blue ribbon for having the
biggest pimple or worst bad hair day or crabbiest mood.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “If
the wrong man uses the right means, the right means work in
the wrong way,” says the ancient Chinese book, The Secret of
the Golden Flower. Conversely, “When the right man uses the
wrong means, the wrong means work in the right way.” These
thoughts, Capricorn, are all you need to succeed this week.
You’re free to come up with your own interpretation of their
implications, but here’s mine: High integrity and a noble pur-
pose sometimes count for more than cleverness or skill.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Literary
critic Harold Bloom believes Finnegans Wake was James
Joyce’s masterpiece — the closest thing our age has come to
the genius of Shakespeare and Dante. Novelist Anthony
Burgess called it “a great comic vision that makes us laugh
aloud on nearly every page.” Yet when Joyce was writing the
book, his wife Nora hated it, calling it “chop suey.” She asked
him why he didn’t make “sensible books that people can
understand.” Joyce’s patron, Harriet Weaver, also derided
Finnegans Wake, saying it was a waste of his genius. Luckily,
like many Aquarians, Joyce was mainly loyal to the little voices
in his head, not the little voices outside of his head. Draw inspi-
ration from his example in the coming week.
PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20): To compensate for
the fact that the amount of available time is steadily shrinking,
I’ve intensified my multitasking. I now meditate while washing
dishes. I pay bills and write poems and practice singing while
stuck in traffic jams. I read the newspaper, surf the Web, make
business calls, eat lunch, and organize my schedule while ped-
dling my exercise bike. As a happy and unexpected result, my
brain is definitely working better; I’ve gotten smarter. This regi-
men isn’t for everyone, of course. But if you do have an interest
in increasing your intelligence, Pisces, now is a perfect astro-
logical moment to make it happen.
Homework: I dare you to feel love for someone you have dis-
liked for a long time. Testify at ww.freewillastrology.com
You can call Rob Brezsny, day or night, for your EXPANDED WEEKLY HOROSCOPE:
1-900-950-7700 • $1.99 per minute • Touchtone phone 18 & over • c/s 612-373-9785
38 MAY 1, 2003
Personals
The perfect
Subscribe
TODAY!
women
Seeking
Men
DON’T WANNA
WAIT IN VAIN
Puppet on a string. Don’t talk to
me as if I’m dumb (I’m not). I
need to know when you’re gonna
come (sooner than later?)
Summer is near. Show me you
want me. ☎ 8361
PLAYFUL, PETITE pixie seeks
NS intelligent communicative
playmate 42-52 for hiking, biking,
backpacking, skiing, spiritual
encounters, cooking, dancing,
quiet evenings, romance, grow-
ing together, soulmate? LTR? ☎
8352
SEEKING MY
BEST FRIEND
DWF, 51, 5’3”. Likes movies, din-
ing out, TV, hanging, touching,
dancing, computers, hot-tub,
people. Not sports-minded. Seek
stable, honest, funny, open-mind-
ed, considerate, communicative
D/SWM, 41-59, under 200 lbs. ☎
8351
READY TO HAVE FUN
Career, great. Children, grown.
Marriage, over. Looking for
healthy, mature playmate. ☎
8349
GET BACK IN
THE GAME
Looking to stir it up this summer.
If you’re not too old, but not too
young, for a good time of dance,
outdoor adventures, good con-
versation & romance, call me. ☎
8348
ARE YOU up to par? Do you like
the coast? New adventures, get
along well with others? Let’s call
each other first. Take it from
there. What do you say? ☎ 8343
CYNICAL?
Placing ads can be a waste of
time, but what the hell? Me: not a
waste of time, not immature,
employed, sense of imagination,
good camping gear. You: hopeful-
ly all the above? Let’s make the
glass half full. ☎ 8259
BIG DRIVE &
EQUIPMENT?
You’re around 50 something,
ready to live together with lots of
servicing each other. I’m sexy,
stocky, busty. I need you to be
kind, funny & what’s mentioned
above. XOXO ☎ 8185
I’M JUST WHAT
You never knew you always
wanted. Low-key, quirky, stylish,
mid-20s, employed non-breeder.
Lots of “wants”, not many
“needs”. No neurotic, uncul-
tured, overcologned losers. NS.
NMB!!! ☎ 8171
WACKY
COUNTRY DWCF
Attractive, blonde/blue, average,
HWP, 52, healthy, loves travel,
country living, cultural activities.
ISO NS, 50-60s intelligent gentle-
men partner to share life’s
adventures.
Nature/Animal
Lover. ☎ 8125
TRANSSEXUAL
LOOKING
For rich man. Young ts ISO man
who wants to be my sugar daddy.
☎ 8086
YOU’RE A quality person, intel-
ligent, compassionate, attractive,
affectionate, good communicator,
Jewish, stable, w/integrity. I’m
pretty, smart, gentle, loving, play-
ful, creative, youthful, vegetarian,
Friend or more? 40s to early 50s.
☎ 8083
43 Y.O. WOMAN
Looking for a loving, compassion-
ate, honest man for friendship &
romance. ND, NS, light drink.
Possible LTR or not. ☎ 8253
DANCE PARTNER
WANTED
ISO companion, 50-60 y.o. 5’9”-
6’2”, SWM. Communication, hon-
esty, financially secure, NS, ND,
Light Drink. Me: SWF, 5’3”,
blonde/brown. Same + out-
doors/indoors, movies, cooking,
hugs, affectionate. ☎ 8080
SHE IS (and being her friends,
we would know) a lovely woman
with a joyful sense of humor. She
loves the sensuous things in life:
good wine, good food. She has an
ear for good conversation. Also,
loves music from jazz to a bit of
disco, ‘cuz the girl can dance!
Looking for SPM, 40-50, with sim-
ilar likes. NS, ND. Flexibility and
warm spirit a must. ☎ 8263
SEEKING MALE
COMPANIONSHIP
I want a Christian male compan-
ion with similar interests; a spe-
cial someone in my life. ☎ 8243
LONELY EUROPEAN
Sincere, passionate, educated
SWF. Loves dogs, horses, nature.
5’4”, 115 lbs. ISO kind, warm,
sincere 48-60 y.o. SWM. ☎ 8077
IN YOUR FACE
I’m looking for a face with: smile
lines from belly laughs, crow’s
feet from compassion, forehead
lines from deep thinking & lip
creases from extraordinary
amounts of kissing. Spirituality =
extra points. I’m small, smart &
sexy. ☎ 8261
LOVE BECOMES YOU
So much the better to laugh, love,
play together when one knows
the Dharma, is NS, ND, spiritual,
over 57. Movies, biking, walks,
veggies, scrabble & so much
more. ☎ 8201
MID-LIFE CRISIS! Need
someone to share my good life.
Vibrant, soulful, down-to-earth
intellectual seeks Mr. (Almost)
Perfect. Please be left of center,
53-63 & seeking LTR. NS. ☎ 8180
DINNER & A MOVIE?
Generic? Yes. But I’ll sit across
from you & undress you with my
eyes. Let’s find pleasure in the
small things. Saturday Market,
road trips, cooking, sleeping
together, shopping, drinking
wine. No commitments, but who
knows? ☎ 8173
SWF, 53, joyful and loving, seeks
kind and good man to correspond
with, then meet if all goes well. ☎
8076
men
Seeking
woMen
HANDSOME WELL-GROOMED
man, 30s, 6’0”, 180 lbs. ISO very
attractive Asian woman 20-30s
for part time fun. Black hair &
great body a +. D&D free please.
☎ 8359
THERE ARE only two great
places to eat in this town - your
place & mine. Persistent but
underconfident chef, 56, seeks
easily pleased woman who looks
good in maple syrup. ☎ 8357
COME FLY with me. Amateur
paraglider, 56, on love’s flattest
hill. All we need is a strong head-
wind & a couple of sturdy hel-
mets. And maybe an ambulance
on standby. ☎ 8356
THE SHY YET FUNNY
GUY
Who’s right for you? I’m looking
for a gal, 18-25, tall, slender, to
hang out or date or whatever. I’m
6’1”, 180 lb., average build,
brown hair & hazel eyes. ☎ 8350
SOBER??
Good man. Attractive, kind, finan-
cially secure, seeking LTR with
softspoken, honest, intelligent,
unpretentious, spiritual, monoga-
mous, affectionate, environmen-
tal woman who does NOT use
alcohol/drugs. Prefer slender,
long hair, no makeup, not
employed. ☎ 8344
2 MUCH U,
2 LITTLE TIME
You need happy changes, new
doors. Bright, free, cute, lively
5’5”-6’, 150-190, 35-49, boda-
ciously curvy, derriered, proud.
Me: rich (kidding), nice, athletic,
cute, 47, entertaining, unselfish.
☎ 8249
SMART & FUNNY
SPM ISO bright, low-mainte-
nance SPF who likes to laugh &
go to the theatre. ☎ 8246
SUBSTANCE & ADVEN-
TURE
Eclectic, athletic man with a mul-
titude of interests. Values humor,
positive thinking & taking
chances. ISO fit, intelligent 40-
something woman with sense of
adventure. ☎ 8241
SUBMISSIVE
WOMAN WANTED
Not seeking cook or maid. Me:
attractive SWM, 6’, nicely built,
non-balding dark hair, financially
independent, health conscious,
non-smoker, experienced, safe,
gentle, creative, good conversa-
tionalist. You: single, unattached,
feminine, sensuous, healthy,
childless. Write “Resident” POB
25160, Portland 97298. Include
phone. ☎ 8234
THE BACHELOR in real life -
not TV glamour. You: sweet,
petite, no gold diggers. SW farm
boy, NS, ND, LTR. I care! Don’t
wait. ☎ 8198
NO WEIRDOS PLEASE
SWM, 26, student, attractive, fun,
slender, poor, happy, entertained.
Seeks capable, fit, unmaterialis-
tic, cute female confidant for
major laughter, friendship, out-
door fun, adventure & kicking
back. ☎ 8194
ANTONIO BANDERAS type
seeking educated, P, financially
secure woman who enjoy hiking,
biking, movies and international
cuisine (under age 45). Possible
LTR, NS, ND. ☎ 8190
VEGETARIAN
DWM, 49, 5’7”, dark hair, NS, fit,
easygoing, humorous, open-
minded. Enjoys hiking, biking, the
Oregon Coast, the blues, explor-
ing, Scrabble. Seeking similar
SWF. Friends first, possible LTR.
☎ 8187
BASIC GUY
DWM, 60, attractive, 5’8”, 190
lbs. Grey beard, blue eyes.
Secure, honest, spiritual, open,
romantic, affectionate, casual,
spontaneous, humorous. Like
simple things; photography,
music, reading, movies, short
trips. Let’s have fun. ☎ 8183
EARTH-CENTERED SPIRITIST.
Compassionate, attractive, camp-
ing, hiking, sailing, swimming,
gardening kind of guy. Values dig-
nity over status or wealth. Truth-
seeker, desires honesty, trust and
equality in relationship. Devoted
1/2-time dad, 38, very fit.
Musician, athlete, creatively
quirky. Good at follow-thru. Solid
job. ☎ 8181
I WANT an attractive SF age 26-
36. I WANT her to have a reason-
ably flat tummy, but not be a
toothpick. I WANT her to be
affectionate, playful, passionate,
open-minded & honest. A decent
conversationalist with fair social
skills who enjoys the outdoors &
is herb friendly. A kinky side
would also be appreciated. In
return, I offer everything “I
WANT” & more. LTR even possi-
ble. ☎ 8175
THE SWEETNESS OF
FRIENDSHIP
SWM, 39, 5’10”, 240 lbs.
Handsome, healthy, happy,
strong, athletic, considerate, lov-
ing & balanced. Looking for dar-
ling companion. Smart, fun, lov-
ing, physical, attractive, passion-
ate, spiritual woman to explore,
enjoy, experience, love. NS. ☎
8133
YOU’RE LOOKING FOR
46 years young. Fun, loving, self-
employed landscaper seeks a
petite sweetie 35-49 to enjoy
indoor/outdoor
adventures.
Enjoy music, dancing, camping,
fishing... You might be the one
baby! ☎ 8124
ALISON
I am looking for Alison. Is this
Alison Wonder? I wonder? You
left armadillo duck message. I
missed your number. If you call, I
will repay. We can have coffee. ☎
8122
YOUR RED HAIR IS NOT
Up for debate & you don’t do
debates/dye hair. You’re 5’7”
height is debatable because
you’re actually 5’7&1/2” & round
down. You aren’t preoccupied
about hygiene. You’re boot-wear-
ing. ☎ 8120
WAR RELIEF?
Good-natured fellow in need of
female companionship for music
shows, outdoor (& indoor) activi-
ties, or just a nice dinner. I’m 32,
fit, open-minded, positive, attrac-
tive & green friendly. Corvallis. ☎
8119
ISO 40-55 companion w/simi-
lar interest. Me: DWM, uses a
power wheelchair, body bad -
mind good. Enjoys computers,
music, outdoors, nature, movies.
Has an attention for detail. ☎
8088
LONELY IN LEABURG
SWPM, 43, fit, attractive, intelli-
gent, sensitive, loving, affection-
ate, outdoorsy type. Seeks SWF,
35-48, emotionally & financially
stable, fit, attractive for LTR. NS,
LD ok. ☎ 8085
JANE MAGAZINE SAYS
Every woman owes herself a fling
with an “older gentleman”; find
out why! I’m 50ish, fit, sophisti-
cated, experienced, easygoing,
romantic & fun. ☎ 8084
WM 42, 5’10”, brown/blue,
handsome. Likes outdoors,
romantic dinners, funny movies,
quiet evenings. Seeks romantic
older female, very voluptuous,
tall, large, funny, pretty. Be real,
be honest. ND. ☎ 8081
WIDOWER, WRITER, former
professor, given to simple pleas-
ures like baking bread, walking,
reading aloud, & intimacy. 6’1”,
150 lbs, seeks attractive woman
in her 50s w/active mind, gentle
heart & patience. ☎ 7835
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