• Dec. 2 4 -3 1 ,2 0 1 5
Commentary
Page 13
The politics of shattered jaws
M y partner left a fam ily wedding with a'broken jaw. How can we bridge political differences without injury?
BY QUINN MACDONALD
beating him up an acceptable response. He’s
also not a fighter, while the others have
didn t plan on making Victoria my home;
histories of violence that we’ve always written
off as “boys will be boys” or something about
it just kind of happened. I was going to
having a temper.
move to a bigger city once I was done
There were three of them, and only one of
school, but I love the Island too much. The
him. The fight only stopped because I showed
sea is always close here, and I can walk
up and stopped it. One of them seemed more
everywhere. Political candidates fight over
upset about my boyfriend exiting the situation
who's more “green.” Whenever a bus pulls up
with “his cousin” (well, me) than he was
to the stop, there’s often a polite standoff; no
about severely injuring his cousin’s partner.
one wants to board first, and everyone says
Growing up “up island,” I never felt like I
“thank you” when they get off.
belonged. The scenery is beautiful, but at
I often joke about how living in Victoria is
times it feels like the mountain walls
like living in a bubble. Anyone who lives
surrounding the picturesque valleys mirror
downtown, walks its streets, or struggles to
those hemming in their residents’ world
pay rent knows we have problems, but
views. Trucks outnumber cars. Nearly
citizens are engaged. We speak extensively
everyone has a friend or family member who
about civic issues and try to work together to
works, or worked, in oil and gas in Alberta.
find solutions.
Everyone plays or watches hockey. For 15
The joke that we live in a progressive
years my hometown was represented by a
political bubble here in the capital city
Conservative MP who denies both climate
became a little too serious for me in August. I
change and evolution. Most people don’t talk
had taken my boyfriend Matt to meet my
about politics much, except to offer some
extended family at a wedding. He tried to get
refrain about how certain political parties
to know a couple of my relatives. But a tense
pledge to protect jobs.
conversation went downhill, and he came
It used to be considered rude to talk
home with a jaw broken in four places. He
politics in polite company. But it’s clearly
needed a two-hour surgery and four metal
something people are struggling with across
plates to put it back together. As we came out the province. Kai Nagata, the Dogwood
onto the open part of Highway One that looks
Initiative’s energy and democracy director,
over View Royal and offers the first glimpse
penned a December 2013 article tided “Six
of the Victoria harbour, I heard myself say,
ways to keep the pipeline debate on track,”
“let’s never leave again.”
about how to talk about the contentious
Nearly every person I told in Victoria
Northern Gateway Pipeline over Christmas
reacted with shock at the incident that led to
dinner. This fall, CBC published an online
his injury. Nearly every health worker we
“Toolkit for when Thanksgiving dinner turns
encountered through the three days in and
into election talk.” The list goes on. What
out of hospitals asked if we were going to
these articles also make clear is that
press charges. But where I’m from, fights
progressives are often struggling to find a
were a normal occurrence at school and at
way to talk with their stereotypically older
parties. Mouth off and you might get beat
and more conservative relatives. But for
down. For his part, Matt is from an
many, it’s just not worth it (see the Wiki on
increasingly rough part of the mainland, and
“How to Avoid Politics with Stubborn
reactions from some of his family members
Relatives”).
ran along the lines of, “well you must have
If we don’t learn how to have hard
said something pretty stupid.”
conversations and challenge each other in a
respectful way, what’s at stake could be much
Whether due to alcohol or shock, he
worse as things simmer below the surface. I
doesn’t remember what he said or anything
have had disagreements with my relatives
that happened. But it doesn’t matter: there is
that hadn’t always gone well. It’s hard not to
nothing anyone could say that would make
C O N T R IB U T IN G W R IT E R
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THE MAGIC fS IN THE HOLE!
22 SW 3RD
& BURNSIDE
think about how some of the animosity and
unresolved issues arising from those
conversations could have contributed to
Matt’s broken jaw.
It’s difficult to talk about these things and
not sound like you think you’re better than
people. But when it comes to distancing
yourself from sexism, racism, and regressive
politics, what’s wrong with being better than
that? I’ve learned a lot in the almost 10 years
since I left that my hometown, but more
important and more difficult is all the
uhlearning I’ve had to do, which has
positively affected not only the way I see the
world and its problems, but also how I see
myself in the world. (And this process is
certainly ongoing*)
Equally, in the last several years I have felt
increasingly isolated at family get-togethers.
My efforts to confront racism and problematic
ways of thinking have devolved into battles
with devil’s advocates and me in tears.
I’ve been told to shut up, and that me “and
my little Facebook politics aren’t going to
change anything,” whatever that means. I cry
when I get frustrated or angry, so there have
been a lot of tears. This tends to make
everything more awkward and
“embarrassing” for others. I don’t want to
paint myself as a victim, and I haven’t always
acted admirably, but it’s frustrating, it’s
exhausting, and in the-end it didn’t seem to
have meant much.
But should we just swallow the world . *
whole, as-is? I am told to respect other
peoples’ opinions, but I think it shows more
respect to challenge them to refine their
position than immediately dismiss it as
flawed. And by this I do not mean playing the
classic devil’s advocate by discounting
someone’s personal experience or arguing
them into the ground—all of which usually
involves verbally abusive behavior.
We’re entitled to our opinions. But when
your opinion comes from a sexist and racist
world view that harms others, we need to
talk. When we retreat into entrenched
partisan positions and see challenges as
personal attacks, we all lose the opportunity
to grow personally and as a society.
We’re told not to give up on family,and
that blood is thicker than water. But water’s a
lot easier to drink. Or at least that’s how it
seemed as I watched the person I love the
most puke up the blood he swallowed in an
emergency room at 3 a.m. Family is
important, but it’s hard to understand what
that means when they do harmful things that
your friends would never consider. Why do we
have to stay attached to people that cause us
harm?
I don’t want to give up on people I grew up
with, but at the same time I don’t know if I
will ever even be able to look the people who
hint Matt in the eye again.
My boyfriend’s face shouldn’t be a stepping
stone in their journey to becoming a better
person. A few drinks and a fiery temper
aren’t justifications for losing control and
becoming verbally and physically abusive
(something I must remember as well). We are
adults.
I was told that they are not evil people,
that they just did a bad thing. When the
action fits a pattern of behavior and world
view, however, it’s hard for me to see them as
necessarily good. The idea of withdrawing
from my family isn’t an easy option for me;
it’s devastating. I had a pretty ideal childhood,
and now all those memories are tainted. We
spent so many family dinners and camping
trips together, and how that will never
happen again. They will never know my
children. I won’t know theirs.
In some ways, I wish I could return to that
time when we were kids camping, sitting
down to family dinners together. Encouraging
critical thinking and respectful disagreement
can begin when we’re very young; I see this
in the young people I coach in roller derby
and in some of my friends who now have kids.
People who lash out usually feel trapped. Give
people the words to express themselves and
they often will. I’m still struggling to help
them and myself to see how larger webs of
oppression affect us all.
Reprinted from Street Roots sister paper,
Megaphone Magazine, Vancouver, B.C.,
Canada.
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