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u u c c i nuu ib reoruary b-12, 2015 Commentary Page 13 Dizzy Dan’s Hologram: Part III - Psych Ward BY DAN NEWTH Dan N ew this a Street Roots vendor and periodic writer This is fin a l o f three columns, told through his perception o f events surrounding his recent attempted suicide and recovery. it all. One saving grace I have is the ability to laugh at myself. n the way to the psych ward, I had an Back at my private room, I risked faking a entourage of a security guard and an shower. It was touch and go; I was so dizzy I intern. They didn’t talk to me much, almost blacked out. At least my smell and but I did get one chuckle out of the security appearance was less offensive. Looking in guard. They wheeled me into the psych food was great) and an explanation of the the mirror m y eyes had thick black ward. A woman was standing in the hall camera in the room. indentations under them. My body was very staring at me, and I nodded toward her When the orderly left, I slowly sat up in toxic. I dressed in the scrubs given to because my speech was still slurred, and her the bed. I felt weak and dizzy. I managed to residents and made an appearance at the mouth dropped open. She seemed to wobble into the bathroom. I had hoped to morning community meeting. recognize me. I might have resembled some take my first shower in three days, but there The lead counselor led the meeting that ghost from the past. was no way I would be able to remain morning. Everyone checked in to some I was checked in at the desk and given a standing. I decided to try in the morning. degree, It was obvious some residents were private room with a wonderful view. The There was a sign inside the bathroom door in profound despair. Despite a recent thought crossed my mind that this« was ; that read: “Most falls happen when you suicide attempt, I was not the worst off going to cost money I didn’t have. I suddenly think you’re safe.” I didn’t feel stable at all, here. We were asked to name a favorite became psychic. I saw bankruptcy court in so I guess I was safe. I felt like I would black dessert. My brain was so slow I couldn’t my future. out making my way back to the bed. I spent think of one. The woman who had stared at The staff in the psych ward worked in the rest of the evening and night in bed. me when I came into the ward mentioned teams of nurses, social workers, counselors I woke in the morning to the carrot cake. When she said that, I and orderlies. They ran an efficient, announcement that breakfast had arrived. I piggybacked on, her idea, adding cream compassionate, and for me, effective u n it. tottered out and picked up a tray, said good cheese frosting. One young woman But I was yet to discover this. morning to a few other residents and ate commented that some of the residents An orderly came into my room, I was the delicious breakfast. For a “nut” house, hadn’t taken a shower and smelled. An older lying on the bed, and he started with the this sure did resemble a bed and breakfast. woman, whose hair looked a little greasy, usual series of questions. A resident invited me to the morning became defensive, asking if she was being “Do you know why you’re here? Why did meeting. I said I might go. I didn’t have my referred to. She left the meeting crying and you try to commit suicide? Do you want to bearings yet. Everyone seemed polite, as if would continue to cry for two days. harm yourself right now? Are you planning walking on eggshells; one never knew what Fifteen minutes after the community to harm yourself in the future? Do you want might set off the new case. I was unsure of meeting ended, a process group began with to harm anyone else?” Answer these both them and myself. My ability to monitor the same lead counselor. I found out some questions correctly and they unlock the myself disappeared when I became mentally of the people I had thought were staff were bathroom dporfor you. Answerthem wrong exhausted, and I seemed to get exhausted residents dealing with mental process and you might end up in restraints. every day after a few hours work. dysfunctions — truly overwhelming. Most What I had thought was a sleeping pill I have yelled at customers, panhandlers, folks here exhibited the dichotomy of (Trazadone) was actually an antidepressant fundraisers and scammers while selling strength and fragility, and what really and anti-anxiety medication. I didn’t want to Street Roots; Ihave been ordered to leave resonated with me was our common human hurt myself or anyone else — well, maybe the Street Roots office; I have caused spirit. These folks seemed like kin. The the Koch brothers, butno one else. I was • disturbances on TriMet buses and yelled at psych ward became a very human rewarded with access to the toilet: The police officers when they answered the call. experience for me. We practiced some orderly explained that I was not allowed to r I worry that I am in the early stages of mindfulness activities, four-square breathing, leave until the court reporter met with me dementia, a disease my father and his meditation and the practice of bringing to determine if I would be committed. There mother died from. I deal with PTSD, yourself back to the moment. When the was paperwork, a basic explanation of daily anxiety, depression, chemical dependency world is starting to crash in 6n you, schedules, optional groups, meal menu (the and paranoia, and sometimes I think I know sometimes your only defense is the , CONTRIBUTING COLUMNIST ■ B e tte r h e a lth ŒNTRALCITY Transition here for you Delivering physical, behavorial health and Projects believes no one should have to be homeless. dental health care for overi23Q,000 children, families and individuals on the Oregon Health Flan in the Portland Tri-County area, “ Together we are distraction of the now. They also had other therapies that incorporated creativity and mindfulness: art therapy, music therapy, dance and movement therapy and my favorite, horticulture therapy. Any creative activity combined with mindfulness can be part of the process of recovery (alsb known as life). Writihg these columns is a big part of my recqyery. I have done decades of group therapy and individual counseling. I thought the root of my problems could be cured by thinking it out, and only when my brain is functioning well. Immersing yourself in a creative process reaches to a deeper part of yourself over time than mere thought can. It can be a way to reach self-actualization, establishing self esteem, a sense of purpose and a safety net for darker days. I met with the psychiatrist, who seemed to be more of an administrator, and answered his questions, but I never had the feeling he was listening. He did prescribe an antidepressant for me. I met with the court reporter who, instead of committing me, told me I was free to go. Go where? I met with a social worker who tried to hook me up with continued mental health care and a place to stay since my wife didn’t want me back home. However, she could not find a mental health provider who would accept niy insurance. The only housing she ' tbhfd^firid wa’s referral to a homeless shelter. It was three nights on a mat on a floor. My insurance tends to pay mental health services slowly. The mental health providers that accept my insurance tend to be all booked up. The mental health system is no longerSNAFU (situation normal: all fucked up) it is FUBAR (Fucked up beyond all recognition) and yet here I was in a private room of a psych ward with a wonderful view. My next step was to be homeless. health www.healthshar@oregon.org Transition Projects Ending homelessness and achieving self-sufficiency. Now roasting & distributing craft coffee. Availabfe for purchase at: Chuck's Produce Food Front Cooperative Grocery Green Zebra Grocery New Seasons Market Whole Foods Market Soon avctilalbe for on-line purchase! For office coffee service, c a ll our friends a t Percasso Coffee, 503-46Q-3861 650 NW Irving S t Portland, OR 97209 503.280.4700 www.tprojects.org www.centrcdcityconcern.org facebook.com/CentralCityCofiee
