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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (June 20, 2014)
Street roots 11 June 20, 2014 The healing journey between victim and survivor BY GRACE BADIK violation and the new reality created for me because of that experience. hat I am about to share is It took me weeks to understand. What unfortunately not a new or unique .. exactly happened to me on a study trip to story. It is among millions and | Paris. It took me months to understand the millions of stories, told and untold, by impact and change that had occurred to me survivors of sexual assault, abuse, and as a result. Eventually, I came to understand; harassment That very fact fills me with the depth and width of my trauma and how | indignation, not just as a person who is part my world had changed. I scrutinized every of that number, but also as a person who male relationship and became leery of r knows far too many survivors. , making new ones. I came to recognize there Once I started sharing the story of my were certain things out of my control, such violation, it was as if I was given entry to an as flashbacks and triggers. I had to learn to exclusive club. Story after story of be gentle with myself especially as I began victimization surfaced from women and men - to unpack the trauma. I had to relearn to alike. I couldn’t take it. What I had so love myself, to not blame myself for action naively understood to be something that or inaction. The mantra of “I did nothing sometimes happened — and definitely not to wrong. I did the best I could” keeps me people I knew or to myself - suddenly afloat when the triggers and flashbacks , stared at me in the face like a 20-ton gorilla. become too much to handle. Becausethe simple and unequivocal fact is > But as I began to unpack the trauma, I that I am a survivor of sexual assault, now started feeling trapped within its layers, It is part of an unfortunate epidemic. hard to accept my reality as a survivor . I attended an all-girls Catholic high school ( because I don’t necessarily accept my reality that prides itself on empowering young as victim. I am a victim and a survivor of women to be “bold, brilliant, blessed and what? Yet, there is a part of me that does beautiful” as well as instilling the idea that not want to claim either label because I “one girl can change the world.” Taught by a don’t want to be part of those awful female majority faculty and run by those statistics. I was not sexually assaulted in the ever problem-causing American nuns, we way that it is officially defined and yet it Was read empowered female authors ip our i more than just sexual harassment. After the,; English classes, learned of those strong, action took place, I knew something not global women leaders past and present in right had occurred. The French professor social studies, and held fundraisers to help had crossed a line, but I couldn’t understand empower girls like us in other countries. We the line or lines that had been crossed. As a — the students - knew that we could take 20-year-pld alumna from a high school bent on the all-male high schools in the area on empowering women, the idea that I had academically and joked that a girl attended been preyed upon and then violated was too our school to become a doctor, and the much for me to comprehend/1 never other all-girls school to marry one. Despite thought I would be one of those women who the emphasis on Women empowerment, the would allow herself to ignore warning signs history of men persisted in our history until it was too late. I wonder how many classes, (unless you tookContempor ary people'are.in a similar situation? Like me, Women’s History as an elective), and in our they play the game of “Well, itcould have English classes, we read short stories, been worse...” I was preyed upon and being authored by women of sexual assault, abuse, groomed for a fate probably much worse and rape. The message seemed to be mixed: than I did experience. I stopped it before anymore harm could happen/ Ishould ; go out and be an empowered woman, but be cautious too, because it’s still a man’s world. celebrate that and the fact that I prevented others from the same confusing and This piece is not about the mixed harming situation. messages of my all-girls high school or of society for that matter; smarter people can One in six women in the United States have been sexually assaulted, according t to articulate those messages much better than the Rape, Abuse and Incest National I myself. This piece is about my story of C O N T R IB U T IN G W R IT E R ■ Grace B adik is the Jesuit Volunteer fo r Street Roots. H er work directly supports Street Roots vendors I p iif' PAID TRAINING n S thwest Beyond Limitations^ REQUIREMENTS: Network. One in six. The number may even be higher. I live in a house of eight people, six Of us are femalé, and I know that two of the six females,. .including myself, have experiences with sexual assault. I am at a loss for words not because the numbers are so high and I know too many survivors, but because we fail to do anything about it. Silence has become an ally because survivors have been taught that speaking up and speaking outibrings more pain, more questions, and more confusion. It seems that it takes an incident like the But as I began to isnpacfc the shooting by Elliot Rodgers and the trauma, X started feeling subseqüent trapped w ithin It's layers. XI #YesAllWomen is hard to accept my reality campaign to provide a as a s n rv iw r because I don't space for survivors of necessarily accept my reality sexual assault to speak. I am glad the B as victim» conversation is happening, and I am hopeful that gdod will come from it. But, like so many social media trends, I see it as a Conversation starter and not a finisher. What appears to be a simple solution of just stopping sexual assault unfortunately is not one. What is simple is how we choose to talk about it among friends, among family, among community—not as some taboo, not through victim blaming—but as an epidemic, as an injustice that needs to be stopped. I am not claiming to be completely through all the muck and the mire. I continue to grapple, to make sense of my victim/survivor label every day. Yet, I talk -about my violation because it is an essential part of my healing journey. For me, talking about it takes power away from my perpetrator and gives it back to me. Many things changed in that instance, but what didn’t was my ability to speak. I know far too many people who feel they cannot speak up or speak out about what happened to them. I am not claiming to be the voice for all survivors or victims. But, this piece is for them — those that live with the veil of silence. FOR PEOPLE WITH l a b il it ie s ! ► ... to the health care you know and trust. 5312 ME 148th Ave. Portland, OR 97230 ✓ Pass a drug test ✓ Must be at least 18 ✓ Must be able to provide documentation of a disability ✓ Fluency in English ✓ Clean background check QUESTIONS? Please call (503) 261-1266 or (800) 874-7917 email: dcherry@phcnw.com Working in partnership with providers, -corhmunity health centers and social service agencies to serve people ontheJOfegorr Health Plan, Health Share i$building'a more accessible and coordinated care system throughout the Tri JEounty area. 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