street roots
5
April 1, 2014
Woman mistaken that 2013 was
her year to run SK
to Ellen Myers of Beaverton announced
Wednesday that, contrary to what she had-told her
coworkers, 2013 was apparently not the year she
was to run a 5K.
"I was mistaken," said Myers, visibly shaken, in
front of her office mates. "You've probably noticed
by now, it didn't happen."
The 48-year-dld said she regretted announcing
last January that she was going to change her
outlook on life and turn over a new leaf. By March,-
Myers said she was optimistic that her workout
schedule would kick into gear when the weather
warmed up. She reaffirmed her belief mid-summer;
With the new year behind her, however, Myers
said that she had been wronq about the 5K. In tears,
Myers said she had dropped her gym membership '
months aqo but had kept it a secret but of shame
"To tell you the truth, I hid forgotten about the
5K," said a coworker who didn't want his name
• used. "But I'm going to think twice about trusting
anything she says from now on."
New Seasons workers using
performance-enhancing drugs
Ever wonder why workers at New Seasons grocery
stores seem so happy? A private investigation by the
Food and Drug Administration has revealed new and
shocking details. The answer, investigators say, may
surprise you.
Employees at New Seasons have admitted that
the reason they're so h'appy is performance
enhancing drugs?-
An internal memo obtained by a citizen journalist
at a local food; blog revealed that New Seasons
workers are encouraged to take ecstasy prior to every;
shift.
"It's not uncommon that a group of us will drink_
organic fruit smoothies and popa bunch of pills
before each shift," said one worker smiling from e a r*
to ear. "i Jove this place."
Excited," was regularly playing in the break room.
"That and 'Get Lucky."'
New Seasons was recently rated the most,
enjoyable shopping experiences in the Portland
Metro area by local food and beverage magazine.
"Purchasing fruits and vegetables at New Seasons
is like being at a rave," said one customer with
yellow socks and a cutoff T-shirt. "I feel like busting
out in song and dance right then and there! I love
my avocados!"
New Seasons management declined to comment,
saying only, :"We believe incustomer service and •
supporting our workers. We're up all night for good
fun. We're up all night to get lucky."
Downtown Apple employees mob
customer
A man is seeking restitution claiming to have
been mobbed by local Apple employees after a
recent visit to the downtown Portland Apple store.
"I went to buy my twelfth charger this year for
my laptop, and was swarmed by up to 20 employees
asking me if I had been helped," says Danny
Doolittle. "It's bad enough that I have to pay for a
charger every three months because they stop
working. I didn't expect-to be attacked by a gang of
perfectly disheveled nerds."
Doolittle says the employees were mulling about
whenr he walked in„the doors and was immediatejy.
tackled by 20-something hipsters seeking human
connection from anyone outside of the store. "It was
awful."
A spokesperson for Apple confirmed that 426
people worked at the downtown Portland location.
"We believe in giving people real customer. .
experience from every,possible angle."
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Suburban transplants sympathize with race, economic tensions
20-something white mom of three,
speaking at a recent school-board
meeting, said she understands the
frustrations that the African-American
community must feel.
“I recently bought a home withmy
husband in the Alberta District,” the
woman told the group. “Moving from
upstate New York I was personally
shocked by the amount of gentrification
taking place. It’s why I’m choosing to
send ray kids to private schools. I don’t
think I could bear being a part of the
problem.”
Another transplant from New Hope,
Penn;, said that he was also shocked at
how white Portland is and remembers
seeing a lot more black people in urban
environments when he was a kid. “I
realize my privilege allows me to think
about race and class in a different way, but
frankly, I expect more of Portland.”
The group of transplanted parents say
they are calling on several principals to
step down over performance issues. “It’s -
just a coincidence that all of the principals
happen to be people of color.?’
schools in Portland.”
The parents say that just because.their
A 30-something white woman from
particular coalition was all white is beside
Madison, Wis., told an African-American
the point. “We’re liberals,” said one
woman after the meeting, “I get your
mother of three who moved here from a
frustration, but this is a different
'suburb of St. Paul, Minn. “We believe in
situation.”
equality. We just want to see better
A white man, who along with his wife
«
e
reluctantly admitted to being a part of the
coalition, said “I would be upset too, if I
were black, but Portland isn’t the south.
We care about this community a great
deal, but we also care about our kid’s
future. We’re not-racist. We voted for
Obama. We get it.”
Man arrested after clearing bar with N irvana sto rie s
/I v e ^ 'lm im aT C rln n ^ n g m a n in his 1
Z-A J^ ^ ^ 2 g jy h o ..g q e s by th e ^ ria m T ^
■X-^naSist? 'w a s :a S e ^ tt!aLLter1cl’^a*rmg
out a local bar with Nirvana stories. One
witness said the man started screaming at
patrons repeatedly about how he was one of
the first to party with Kurt Cobain and the
other members of Nirvana.
The police report said that Chains went
from table toHable yelling, “I was there
man. I was there. You had to be there to
understand the, emotion, I washed myself in
Kurt Cobain’s sweat. I lived i t ”
The report also noted that Chains
screamed at a very frightened woman
visiting from Toledo, Ohio. “Do you
remember the Satyricon? Of course you
don’t. You weren’t even born yet! The
Dharma Bums! Mudhoney! The Screaming
Trees! What do you have? Nothipg. Nothing!
CAT VIDEO, from page 9
recipe includes lungs and windpipes and
other things that don’t tend to appear in
cut out ‘n’ keep recipe cards.
Ingredients: 1 sheep’s pluck, i.e. the .
animals heart, liver, and lights (lungs),
Cold water.
1 sheep’s stomach (empty)’, lib lightly
toasted pinhead oatmeal (medium or
coarse oatmeal).
1-2 tablespoons salt. 1 level tablespoon
freshly ground black pepper.
1 tablespoon freshly ground allspice. 1
level tablespoon of mixed herbs. 8oz finely
chopped suet. 4 large onions, finely
chopped, (lemon juice (or a good vinegar)
is sometimes added as well as other ~
flavourings such as cayenne pepper)
Directions: Wash the stomach in cold
water until it is thoroughly clean and then
soak it in cold salted water for about 8-10
hours.
1
Place the pluck in a large pot and cover
with cold water. The windpipe ought to be
hung over the side of the pot with a
container beneath it in order to collect any
drips. Gently simmer the pluck for
approximately 2 hours or until it is tender
and then leave the pluck to cool. 1
Finely chop or mince the pluck meat
and then mix it with the oatmeal.
»
I was there man.”
By tK ytim e the bartender called the
police, Chains was on top of a table
thrashing his head back and forth
screaming> “Cooooourtney! Cooooourtney! I
fucking love you, Courtney! J ’m here for
you, girl!”
About 20 patrons slowly moved towards
the,door, the report,says, when Chains
starting yelling and thrashing again after a*
brief lull. “What are you afraid of, Kurt
Cobain? Art? I was there.. Me, Jimmy and
Spike were there. If Spike were here, he
would tell you. Nirvana forever. We livediX.,
man! You ain’t shit.”
Chains was booked at Multnomah County
jail for disturbing the peace and not being
able to let go of the ’90s. He was released
the next morning. *
He said he wuved her
Puddin' Pop had wanted to start a family eventually, just not at age 2.
Spay and neuter your pets.
Because they won't do it themselves.