Street roots
‘ 16
June 8, 2012
Gemini (May 20-June 20)
The rash of recent news reports about bizarre, cannibalistic
crimes has most of us perking up to the possibility of a zombie
apocalypse. You’re always one to follow the latest trends, but I’d
advise against taste-testing human flesh. This being Portland,
they’ll probably have a soy-based substitute in stores soon.
C a n c e r (J u n e 2 1 -J u ly 22) Admit it — your mental
wheels are getting a bit rusty. You can tell yourself
you’re an intellectual all you want, but every evening
you spend watching “Toddlers & Tiaras” is minus
points. Remember the library? It’s like a free, slow
Netflix. If you put “Waking Life” on hold now, you’ll be
contemplating the nature of consciousness by
Thanksgiving.
L eo (J u ly 2 3 -A u g . 2 2 ) If you play your cards exactly
right, your career could have the longevity of Betty
White’s, the influence of Oprah’s, and the notoriety of
Saddam Hussein’s. But if you mess it up now, you’ll die
unknown and unappreciated, with a small chance of
being posthumously celebrated a la Edgar Allan Poe.
V irg o (A u g . 2 3 -S e p t. 22) Pay attention to your
dreams. That one where you were in a weird place that
kind of looked like your office, but it was surrounded by
Street Beets
211 NW Davis St.
Portland, OR 97209
Return service requested.
lava, and you were with your cousin Patrick and your
friend from middle school, and you were playing mini
golf and talking about Mitt Romney? Yeah, that was
important.
C ap rico rn (D ec. 24-Jan . 19) Own up and apologize,
or risk retribution. Always a solid standby for all that ails
ya!
A q u a riu s (Jan. 20-F eb . 18) Wow! You look fantastic
today. Have you lost weight? You’re positively glowing.
I bet it’s all that money, power and authority that’s
have GOT to stop refusing social invitations, no matter
barreling your way right now like a speeding
how daunting the prospect of putting on pants. If you
locomotive.
don’t start rallying, you’ll see those invitations dwindle
to nothing. So grit your teeth, peel off the Snuggie, and P is c e s (F eb . 1 9 -M a rc h 2 0 ) Self-deprivation never
prepare to face the world.
resulted in good hair. Or, for that matter, a delicious
Sunday brunch. Splurging just a little will make you feel
S c o rp io (O ct. 23-N ov. 21) Is nothing sacred? Does
ready to take on the world, one overpriced organic
anything have meaning? Are you the guinea pig in a
candle at a time.
sick alien experiment, and everyone you love is a
hologram? I’m sorry about this doozy of an existential A rie s (M a rc h 2 1 -A p ril 19) Treat your exes well, or
crisis, Scorp. It will pass, but for now all you can do is risk becoming fodder for the title track of their debut
sit back and endure the dark, pulsing indifference of the reggae-infused country album. You’d hate to be known
as the one that “You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So
universe.
Ugly” was written about.
S a g ittariu s (Nov. 23-D ec. 23) Drew Barrymore just
T a u ru s (A p ril 2 0 -M a y 20) Lately, you just can’t catch
got hitched for the third time, but your romance is
headed for rough waters. The only way you’ll be able to a break. There’s tension at home, uncertainty at work,
salvage it is to spend some time apart. It’s about time and then there are those pesky Facebook stocks that
you visited your parents anyway — make like E.T. and you bought. You’ll solve a lot of your problems by
laying low for a while — no confrontation will end well
phone home.
for you this month
L ib ra (S e p t. 2 3 -O c t. 22) Say yes. Just do it. You
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