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About Street roots. (Portland, OR) 1998-current | View Entire Issue (June 8, 2012)
street roots 14 June 8 2012 On the edge of age six, a challenging persona arrives out loud. Suffice to say that it wasn’t good ay back when I was Very Pregnant news. Kicked. In the stomach. Mr. in the early summer of 2006, my Discipline calmly informed me that Ramona charming husband Marshall and I spent the evenings dreaming of who the was to spend the rest of the afternoon in the principal’s office while her injured person we would soon be living with might friend recovered in class, and that he’d be be. We knew she’d be a girl. We knew, from happy to discuss the kinds of conversations her frequent calisthenics in utero that she’d that I might productively have with my child be energetic, even feisty. Beyond that, we while she was spending the day at home went between wishing and worrying as we with me tomorrow. She was suspended. talked and thought about what it would Suspension in kindergarten? Really? Is mean to be shepherding a brand new human that even constitutional? I hung up shakily through Life. and began the long process of wondering “I hope she likes sports,” said Marshall. what thing I had done to ruin my child. Or “I hope she digs literature,” said me. things. “Kids can be cruel. It’s going to suck The car ride home from school was when some kid is nasty to her,” said especially long. If I had expected remorse Marshall. I agreed. We came together on from my bright-eyed little cherub, I’d been hoping that she wouldn’t be bullied wrong. overmuch. “She took the jump rope from me and Fast-forward almost six years. Ramona is, then I took it back and then she said she in fact, energetic. She is also feisty. We were was telling on me and I kicked her,” right about those things. She has a fantastic Ramona related calmly, as though knocking 1920s haircut I do myself with kitchen the wind out of the child she’d assaulted had shears. She smiles a lot, and waves at been the only rational response to a strangers, and asks phenomenally grievous offense. Matter of fact. Cool and interesting questions about the world and calm. I flushed and was speechless, until I says unexpected things like kids do and wasn’t, and then I harangued at, reasoned wows me by using words such as “narrator” with, and finally pleaded to Ramona that she and “actually” and “ambiguous.” She’s fun. recognize that she’d hurt someone and that And so far, her fellow kids have been pretty it was very wrong. rad to have around. Young Jascha, our “But she was gonna tell on me!” neighbor and Ro’s bestie since diapers now Sigh. I could stomach her losing control serenades her with “Twinkle, Twinkle Little in a moment of anger, but that she had hurt Star” on his miniature violin; young Charlie someone and wasn’t even sorry made me and her mom have Ramona over for snacks question who she was, and whether I’d and play when I teach a late class Mondays; taken a wrong turn and was creating a Charlie taught Ro to ride a bike with monster. training wheels in her much-better-cared-for- We got home, I handed her to father, than-ours backyard; gentle Laila invites Ro who’d been briefed and wore a suitably over to her place across the street for serious expression, furrowed brow included, coloring and impromptu picnics. No bullies and locked myself in the bathroom to call on scene. Except one. At my desk grading midterms, I heard my my mom, who offered an odd flavor of comfort. cell phone chirp and hurriedly answered “She’s going to be six in August. She’s when I saw Ramona’s school’s number on practically six. Six is another of the terrible the screen. Was she sick? Did I forget to ages that you hear less about than two. pack lunch? Had she been abducted from They’re little animals at six,” my mother the playground? (We are a people who pronounced sagely. “Think of it that way: catastrophize. Hold the molehill. I’ll take they’re not evil — they’re still half animal, the mountain.) half human. That whole empathy-moral- “Ms. Favara, this is Mr. (Disciplinary compass-remorse thing really only happens Officer) calling from (Ramona’s School). consistently later. Right now, you just have Ramona and another child had an incident to make them accountable — give them today.” unpleasant consequences. They get that.” “Oh! Is she okay?!” Sigh. “Ramona is fine. But the child whom she I half bought it. I know one incident kicked in the stomach in the lavatory ...” doesn’t make my kid a sociopath, but I can’t I’ll omit here the expletive I actually said W Melissa Favara Melissa Favara teaches English in Vancouver and lives and writes in North Portland, where she parents Ramona, age 5, hosts a bi-monthly reading series, and counts her husband and her city as the two great loves o f her life. abide even this level of meanness. I decided we’d start with concrete consequences of the you-did-something-bad-so-no-movie-night- plus-other-deprivations category and keep talking, hoping to get to understanding and something like empathy. It wasn’t as though she’d always been so callous about other kids’ feelings—only a week before, Jascha’s bursting into tears over a slight injury had inspired her to cry, too. She can feel for others. She just doesn’t always — especially when she’s also frustrated or afraid. In those moments, maybe the lizard brain takes over, the body kicks, and the mind is compelled to defend what one’s already done. Or something. “Part animal,” my j COQld stomach her losing mother repeated control In a BIOBieBt of regret what she did, tllB t Sit© ItBCt Itt&f but you can talk to the someone and wasn't even human part of her, s o r r y m a d e I»® Q u e s t i o n w fe o ask her how she’d feel w h e |h e r F d if someone hurt her, f help that part to grow, t a f e e n a WTORCf IlSTO Bltll WBS She’s still figuring out creating a monster» how to express herself, and sometimes she’ll express with her hands and feet before she can put together what to say. You can work on that.” And so we are. During the day of suspension, Ro had to write “I will not hurt other children” 10 times. She didn’t get her half-hour of approved video while I made dinner for that night or the next few (file under consequences). And I asked her what she thought we could do to apologize to her victim. “If I got kicked, I’d feel better if I had a cookie. We should make her cookies,” Ro said, almost reflectively. File under empathy, if a rudimentary form. We’ve had a good week since then. Ro hasn’t made a set of brass knuckles out of Play-Doh or anything like that yet, and she did make a nice card to go with the cookies. It had a picture of a stick figure girl frowning and holding up round fists and another stick figure girl smiling and holding a bouquet. She’d drawn an X through the bully. Underneath was scrawled the word “sorry.” Yet I doubt that we’ve seen the last of Mean Girl: Ro may lose it and lash out again, and we’ll have to work through it again, and we will. Wish us luck. Don’t miss a single issue! Visit our web site at www.streetroots.org, or friend us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter to get regular updates.
