Street roots., April 01, 2012, Page 15, Image 15

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Street roots
April 1, 2012
So-called ‘birth ‘em now, sort ‘em
out later' bill passes in Virginia
he Virigina State Senate voted
yesterday to approve legislation that
will require suspected fathers to be
present in the lives of their fetuses
regardless of legitimacy. The bill now
moves to the House of Representatives for
approval.
The bill’s provisions include a clause
that will require expectant, unmarried
mothers to report the name of their baby’s
father to the Virginia Secretary of State by
the end of their first trimester.
The Secretary of State will then require
the fathers to pay for any medical care
accrued during the pregnancy. The goal of
the bill is to control the lives of mothers
throughout Virginia.
In cases where there may be more than
one so-called father of the expectant child,
the unwed mother must report names of
all potential fathers.
The office of Republican Gov. Bob
McDonnell has lauded the bills efforts to
crack down on medical fraud, saying
women, especially unmarried women
couldn’t be trusted.
“This bill is a progressive step forward
in our constant battle against fraud and
unwed motherhood,” said a representative
from the governor’s office.
“True American parenthood requires a
mothers emotional love and support and a
father’s financial support.
It’s our Constitutional responsibility to
make sure all Americans, especially
Southerns are born into a world where the
state controls families, especially poor
liberal ones.”
On the heels of Virginia’s controversial
ultra-sound abortion bill signed into law
earlier this month, the parental fetal
requirements bill will require parents to
step into their role in birth. The bill
focuses entirely on fetal rights and includes
no provisions to help the baby once it is
born. Without insurance, the child will
probably lack access to affordable health
care, decent public schools and quality of
life.
T
lim bers and Sounders ax rivalry, promote peace
BY JACK GOLIGHTLY
It was then that Mrs. McMervin reached
out to key individuals within the Timbers
Army and ECS, who, though skeptical at
first, drafted a negotiation that was
eventually signed by the two previously-
warring teams.
“It’s good for everybody, especially
business,” says McMervin. “The biggest
barrier to the Seattle-Portland migration has
been this darn rivalry. It’s ripped families,
even communities, apart.”
The clubs began careful negotiations late
last year.
As a show of good faith, the Timbers
agreed to transfer Kenny Cooper.
“It proved they were serious,” says a
spokesperson from the Sounders.
In exchange, Microsoft disabled the
experimental Kinect-based anti-goal
technology employed against Kalif Alhassan
last season. To apologize for any
inconvenience, XBOX will make Alhassan
the star of Cascadia 720, the new 4-D footy
game due out in exactly one year.
CenturyLink has also agreed to stop
throttling Portlanders’ internet.
C R AZED SOCCER N E T W O R K
n an unprecedented press release
taking MLS by storm, the Portland
Timbers and Seattle Sounders have
announced an end to their legendary rivalry,
looking to lead by example in a new era of
cooperation.
“This has been a long time coming, and
has been in the works for over a year,” said
a Timbers Army representative.
It all began when West Hills socialite
Geneva McMervin found her daughter in
tears last spring. “She had been dating a
nice young man from Seattle, and to
celebrate their engagement they decided to
go to a match together. When they met up,
he was wearing an ECS (Emerald City
Supporters) scarf and had a space needle
painted on his face.
“He took one look at her No Pity scarf
and shouted ‘RCTID? R-C-T-YOU-D!’ -and
that was it. She threw her ring on the pitch
and marched off to the 107,” said
McMervin. Observers say it’s lucky she
didn’t bring her axe that day.
I
The Portland Food Cart Alliance lauded
this decision as well. “People had started
making t-shirts (referring to the KFC -
Kenny F***’in Cooper - shirts seen all over
Portland last year) and it was clear he had
to go...he was opening up Portland to fast
food. People who didn’t get it started
tweeting about fried chicken and we got
worried.”
“The final agreement is good for both
sides,” say Timbers coach John Spencer and
Sounders coach Sigi Schmid in their joint
statement released this morning.
“Our new Cultural Exchange Program will
help both teams a great deal while going a
long way towards cultivating regional
harmony.”
Most notably, the Timbers will teach the
Sounders how to play in the rain, and the
Sounders will mentor the Timbers in
hairstyling, dressing for visibility, and the
latest diving techniques.
Vancouver could not be reached for
comment.
Answers are nowhere to be found
By Cole Merkel
Crossword
1
2
3
10
8
4
14
16
17
19
11
12
13
36
37
38
57
58
59
Wordsearch
Across
1. Queens and aces, for a few
6. “Carmina Burana” composer
10.___ -bodied
14. The more common name of
King’s College, Oxford
15. Don
16. Highway
17. Portland’s waterway
19. Kind of bean
20. Slobber
21. Granola grain
22. Grimm beginning
23. Glorify
25. Command
26. Bad day for Caesar
30. Unfilled space in container or
liquid
32. Stand
35. Jewish “mother tongue”
39. Toke
40. Take out the carbon, in auto
manufacturing
41. with legs spanning
43. The upper governing bodies in
Canada and the US
44. Originator of the bacon maple
bar and mango tango
46. US Forest Service weather
monitors
47. Shoelace tip
50. Cay
53. Twofold
54. Young newt
55. Mythological “Upper Sky”
60. Epiphany figures
61. Ship-steering room
63. ‘Terrible” czar
64. Decorated, as a cake
65. Discharge
66. Orange powder the astronauts
drank
67. Bird nostril
68. Lightened (up)
22
21
20
25
31
35
40
¡43
r46
47
48
51
49
52
56
55
53
54
60
61
63
64
65
66
67
68
Down
1. Intimidates
2. “Mi chiamano Mimi,” e.g.
3. Brook
4. Kosher___
5. Drudge
6. “I ___ you one”
7. Make minor changes
8. Injury imminently approaching
death
9. Guitar part
10. Obama’s limousine, for one
11. Tied
12. Spear
13. Garden tool
62
18. Red, Blue, Green and Yellow
lines
24. Wine cask
25. “Edgar & Ellen” children’s
series writer
26. Hip bones
27. Animal shelters
28. Genuine, in German or Dutch
29. Tailor in “A Midsummer Night’s
Dream”
31. Right-hand person
33. “Four Quartets” poet
34. Overhaul
36. Infinitesimal amount
37. Misrepresent
38. Pianist Myra
42. Skyscraper, e.g.
43. Light source
45. Horse handler
47. ___one
48. Tropical fruit
49. Northern Ireland river
51. “Dig in!”
52. Little laugh
54. “Beowulf,” or ‘The Iliad”
56. Forum or Frat wear
57. Shades
58. Latin I word
59. No longer working: Abbr.
62. Poetic tribute
Vociferous
Hegemonic
Clarification
Dissemination
Diaspora
Histrionic
Imperial
Isometric
Maladroit
Unequivocal
Pontificate
Paradigmatic
Dichotomy
Anarcho-Communist
Proselytize
Antediluvian
Apocryphal
Proclivity
Distillation
Synthesis
Alacrity
Pusillanimous
Apothegmatic
Byzantine