Dear Uncle Mike,
My husband and I are in
our mid-fifties and have been
married for twenty-six years. I
would characterize it as a good
marriage. Like most couples, our
sex life isn’t what it was when we
were first married, but compared to
the complaints 1 hear and read
about it’s certainly better than
average. No, I won’t get into
numbers. 1 had no idea there was
any problem or that my husband
was not satisfied with our physical
relationship. I recently found
out he has been accessing pom sites on the internet. No, I didn’t snoop. He has his
computer set to display random images from his files of photos (family, friends,
vacations) and I stopped to watch. Suddenly, there was a young woman performing sex
with two men. I don’t pretend to understand how, but the computer was selecting images
from sites my husband had visited. Do people with children know about this? We
talked. I had no idea he was interested in this sort of thing and 1 honestly don’t know
how to feel. Part o f me is disgusted, not at the images themselves, but that my husband
would spend time looking at them. Part of me is angry and feels betrayed. I am jealous
o f women who exist only on a screen and, to be perfectly honest, I am worried about
being compared to them. Now, when we have sex, I can’t help wondering who my
husband is with. Please tell me this is a mid-life crisis and that he’ll eventually snap out
o f it. What do you guys see in this stuff?
Unsettled
to boulevard,
a natural choice for
women's clothing.
Portland (503)239-4605
Cannon Beach (503)436-1572
FROM THE LOW ER LEFT CORNER
Dear Unsettled,
We guys see exactly what’s there. naked women being, or pretending to be.
lewd and lascivious. It’s really not that complex. Someone for whom a statue should be
erected defined the plot of every sex film as: women you’ll never meet doing things
they’d never do with you. It’s fantasy, an accepted form of play. While it’s
unfashionable to acknowledge any difference between genders, male humans are more apt
to be sexually stimulated by visual imagery than are female humans. And, although
industry figures say that thirty percent of adult videos rented are rented by women (a figure
Uncle Mike ascribes more to public relations than accounting), the industry exists to
capitalize on men’s resdess uige to be titillated. Yes, Virginia, it’s a guy thing.
Uncle Mike would hate to think that sexual fantasizing (or, in psychological
terms, having naughty thoughts) is a bad thing, or that having them spurred on by
watching professional actresses miming Passion and Ecstasy for a paycheck is a sure sign
of demonic possession. Like anything pleasurable, shopping and eating truffles to name
two, video voyeuring can become a habit. A bad habit is something that interferes with
your relationships or your work. If nothing about your husband seems broken, he
probably doesn’t need fixing. So he likes to look at naked women. Unless he’s a
borderline sexual psychopath (something you would have guessed by now), the worst
thing that can happen is he’ll lose his imagination. Watching anything on a screen will
do that to you.
As for your feelings, Uncle Mike would encourage you to continue to examine
them. If the images themselves aren’t disgusting (and, stricdy speaking, they shouldn’t
be), then neither should it disgust you that your husband looks at them. Millions upon
millions of men do. That’s what makes it an industry. Jealousy? Of what, exacdy?
That your body doesn’t look like theirs? Not only is this a profound waste of mental
energy for a woman of your experience, but both you and your husband have known this
for some time and, until your recent discovery, it didn’t seem a large issue. Uncle Mike
would advise against making it one. After twenty-six years, the two of you should be
friends, right? Act like one and cut him some slack. Remember, he’s just another victim
of male brain chemistry.
c a n n o n
D e ^ c r i
Licensed M assage Therapy
P a in & S tress R e lie f O D e e p T is s u e
S w e d is h ❖ R e la x a tio n
V A L O R E E GIFT, LMT
503-436-2425
V.
P.O. Box 8 7 2 • Cannon Beach, Oregon 97110
Dear Uncle Mike,
Four questions, not in order of importance. Are you married? Are you under
fifty? Are you heterosexual? Are you interested in corresponding with a 31 year old
woman who finds you interesting?
Anne, Portland
Dear Anne,
Four answers, not in any order. You betcha. Not anymore. As far as he can
tell, no. That’s none of your business but if you must know, sure.
O .W .S .& G .
OSBORNE
W O R K IN G
S T U D IO & G A L L E R Y
Dear Uncle Mike,
My boyfriend and I have been living together for about a year. I thought
everything was fine. Then two months ago an old girlfriend of mine moved back to
town. W e’ve been seeing a lot of her. Maybe too much. She’s really good looking and
has always been a flirt. Lately I don’t like the way the two of them are together. When
she comes over for dinner, the goodbye hugs are lasting a little too long. Brad says I’m
imagining things. She laughs and says I’m being silly. I’m not sure what to do. What
would you do?
Worried, Astoria, Oregon
6 3 5 M A N Z A N IT A A V E N U E
M A N Z A N IT A ,
OREGON
P H O N E O R F A C S IM IL E
503
368
7518
Dear Womed,
The first thing Uncle Mike would do is stop worrying. Things are what they are
and aren’t what they’re not. What you’re looking for is the truth. Invite the little hussy
over for dinner and observe how much your dog of a boyfriend wags his tail. When the
meal's over and the coffee's poured, put on your coat. Tell they you’re off to spend the
night in a hotel so they'll have a chance to discuss issues of hormones and loyalty and
won’t be disturbed by the sight of you putting your fingers down your throat.
Dear Uncle Mike,
My girlfriend is going with this great guy. I’d be happy for her except for two
things. She doesn’t really like him that much and I do. The guy treats her like a queen
and she takes it for granted like he’s okay until something better comes along. She can
get away with this because she’s gorgeous. She’s done it with guys before and hurt them
really badly. She knows I like him but he doesn't. I’ve told her I think she's being a
spoiled brat. I’m friends with a friend of his, should I tell him wbat’s going on so he can
have some warning? Is there anything 1 can do?
Michelle
I Maturi Too As y D tli
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Dear Michelle,
There’s always something you can do. In this case, it's nothing. If your friend
feels its okay to play men like cheap guitars, that’s her business. If the cheap guitar in
question isn’t smart enough to see what’s going on, that’s his karma. Some men, bless
their empty little heads, will sacrifice large chunks of their dignity and peace of mind for
the sake of beauty. Uncle Mike suggests you wait until your girlfriend is through with
h im and then see if the man knows how to appreciate a woman who doesn’t regard him as
a toy in her emotional sand box. Don’t be surprised if the answer is no. We all have our
lessons to learn.
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DISCOUNT FOR LOCALS ANO C A AE GIVERS
Intimations Of Mortality
by Victoria Stoppiello
M y colfcc cup has a crack in it, and on
this particular morning, it is a symbol o f
every thing that is mortal. This cup could be
ordinary, but it is one o f a kind; it's a particularly
spectacular, handmade porcelain vessel. It's a
large cup, probably intended lo r a man's hand.
The glaze allows strips o f the onginal white
porcelain to show through. Its beauty lays in its
stark black and white, its squat yet graceful
shape, but in particular, in its extremely glossy
sheen.
This cup holds memories. It was formed
and fired near the site o f the Burning Man, in the
cold, dry plains o f northwestern Nevada, in the
Valley o f Many Smokes, referring to the hot
springs and fumcroles that dot the landscape. The
Burning Man is a festival o f sorts, one 1 may
never see— I found out about it loo late. Now it
has overreached and become a big event, with too
many people. loo many pyrotechnics, too much
drinking, and Uxi many young men just wanting
to blow o ff explosives.
M y coffee cup w as bom w hen the
Burning Man was still little known, an
anarchistic gathering o f artists and desert rats.
Once a year they built sculptures with found
materials, including a gigantic effigy, during a
week o f camping, motorcycle riding and land-
sailing on the flat desert fltxir. After this week or
so o f preparation and invention, the huge man
was set aflame, a spectacular sight undoubtedly
visible for many miles in the clear desert air.
The Burning Man gathering sounds
similar to a Balinese funeral, w here the deceased
person's fam ily hosts a celebration for a week,
when all community members stop their routines
to cat, be together, but most importantly, to
construct the funeral vessel, a large and
beautifully decorated bull. This materially
glorious animal holds the coffin, and the w hole
shebang is burned in a spectacular funeral p y re -
all accomplished w ith the uplifting spirit o f an
old-time New Orleans Dixieland funeral
procession: "A t last, at last, free at last” from
this vale o f tears, this worldly suffering.
M y cup was bom in the ncsl o f such a
festival. Passing through, we stopped at the
artists' studio and saw many wonderful things.
Most were beyond our budget, but I like to
support artists, especially those who work in
such remote spots. I wanted to buy some small
expression o f their art, therefore this cup.
The crack now isn't even visible. It
hardly can be felt, but like my line wrinkles, it's
a clue to what lies ahead. Sixmcr or later, it w ill
widen, a large chip w ill break o ff and the
glorious cup won't hold liquid again. Perhaps my
cup w ill continue as a flower pot; perhaps it w ill
shatter into innumerable pieces, but my cup is
also immortal. It w ill live perhaps forever, or at
least as long as paper protected by glass can
survive. That's because on our livin g r«xim wall
is a charcoal portrait o f me.
In some ways this portrait is an
iconograph o f Finnish tradition: There's a b<x>k
in my lap, a symbol o f my love o f reading and
my educational achievements. I've been told that
even p ixir Finns who work with their hands
value books and know ledge. There is also a
handmade knilc, treasured by my dad. In the
draw ing, Ihc knife seems to say "I am a woman,
but don't mess w ith me", but also refers to an old
prejudice about Finns: "They're all drunks and
they all carry knives," according to a Swedish
anecdote. M y dad told me it was true; in the old
days, the Finns <S(I all carry knives and settled
disputes with knife fights which ended with the
first drop of blood. Since coffee drinking is
symbolic o f the gregarious, chatty side o f me,
and is also at Ihc center o f Finnish social life, the
magnificent coffee cup is also part o f the picture.
When the cup has relumed to the dust
from which it was made. I'll still have its image
and my memories locked in the portrait And
w hen I myself am long gone, perhaps this
mysterious drawing w ill pique someone’s
memories and curiosity— "W ho was she, what is
this all about?"—just as I hxik at Ihc
photographs of my recently deceased aunt, lakcn
during her beautiful youth, a person I knew well,
and yet could never know completely. This crack
in my coffee cup reminds me that, as my cousin
said. "Your life is just a lightning b o lt—a flash
and then gone." A blink in the cosmic eye
O F T C E R T F IC A fT S AVALAflLE
A .P .M .r ■ N.C.T.M.P
503.738.4650 Voice Mail • Seaside & Cannon Beach
7Ì7-81£>1
C j’e o rF io rt
Woshirx^fon State licerne
*A A F 2 0 0 0 0 4 0
712-8ÌÓJÌ
CIar»r»ori B e a c h
UÎPE.R LtfT ENÆ MftKCH 7???