Dear Uncle Mike, My husband and I are in our mid-fifties and have been married for twenty-six years. I would characterize it as a good marriage. Like most couples, our sex life isn’t what it was when we were first married, but compared to the complaints 1 hear and read about it’s certainly better than average. No, I won’t get into numbers. 1 had no idea there was any problem or that my husband was not satisfied with our physical relationship. I recently found out he has been accessing pom sites on the internet. No, I didn’t snoop. He has his computer set to display random images from his files of photos (family, friends, vacations) and I stopped to watch. Suddenly, there was a young woman performing sex with two men. I don’t pretend to understand how, but the computer was selecting images from sites my husband had visited. Do people with children know about this? We talked. I had no idea he was interested in this sort of thing and 1 honestly don’t know how to feel. Part o f me is disgusted, not at the images themselves, but that my husband would spend time looking at them. Part of me is angry and feels betrayed. I am jealous o f women who exist only on a screen and, to be perfectly honest, I am worried about being compared to them. Now, when we have sex, I can’t help wondering who my husband is with. Please tell me this is a mid-life crisis and that he’ll eventually snap out o f it. What do you guys see in this stuff? Unsettled to boulevard, a natural choice for women's clothing. Portland (503)239-4605 Cannon Beach (503)436-1572 FROM THE LOW ER LEFT CORNER Dear Unsettled, We guys see exactly what’s there. naked women being, or pretending to be. lewd and lascivious. It’s really not that complex. Someone for whom a statue should be erected defined the plot of every sex film as: women you’ll never meet doing things they’d never do with you. It’s fantasy, an accepted form of play. While it’s unfashionable to acknowledge any difference between genders, male humans are more apt to be sexually stimulated by visual imagery than are female humans. And, although industry figures say that thirty percent of adult videos rented are rented by women (a figure Uncle Mike ascribes more to public relations than accounting), the industry exists to capitalize on men’s resdess uige to be titillated. Yes, Virginia, it’s a guy thing. Uncle Mike would hate to think that sexual fantasizing (or, in psychological terms, having naughty thoughts) is a bad thing, or that having them spurred on by watching professional actresses miming Passion and Ecstasy for a paycheck is a sure sign of demonic possession. Like anything pleasurable, shopping and eating truffles to name two, video voyeuring can become a habit. A bad habit is something that interferes with your relationships or your work. If nothing about your husband seems broken, he probably doesn’t need fixing. So he likes to look at naked women. Unless he’s a borderline sexual psychopath (something you would have guessed by now), the worst thing that can happen is he’ll lose his imagination. Watching anything on a screen will do that to you. As for your feelings, Uncle Mike would encourage you to continue to examine them. If the images themselves aren’t disgusting (and, stricdy speaking, they shouldn’t be), then neither should it disgust you that your husband looks at them. Millions upon millions of men do. That’s what makes it an industry. Jealousy? Of what, exacdy? That your body doesn’t look like theirs? Not only is this a profound waste of mental energy for a woman of your experience, but both you and your husband have known this for some time and, until your recent discovery, it didn’t seem a large issue. Uncle Mike would advise against making it one. After twenty-six years, the two of you should be friends, right? Act like one and cut him some slack. Remember, he’s just another victim of male brain chemistry. c a n n o n D e ^ c r i Licensed M assage Therapy P a in & S tress R e lie f O D e e p T is s u e S w e d is h ❖ R e la x a tio n V A L O R E E GIFT, LMT 503-436-2425 V. P.O. Box 8 7 2 • Cannon Beach, Oregon 97110 Dear Uncle Mike, Four questions, not in order of importance. Are you married? Are you under fifty? Are you heterosexual? Are you interested in corresponding with a 31 year old woman who finds you interesting? Anne, Portland Dear Anne, Four answers, not in any order. You betcha. Not anymore. As far as he can tell, no. That’s none of your business but if you must know, sure. O .W .S .& G . OSBORNE W O R K IN G S T U D IO & G A L L E R Y Dear Uncle Mike, My boyfriend and I have been living together for about a year. I thought everything was fine. Then two months ago an old girlfriend of mine moved back to town. W e’ve been seeing a lot of her. Maybe too much. She’s really good looking and has always been a flirt. Lately I don’t like the way the two of them are together. When she comes over for dinner, the goodbye hugs are lasting a little too long. Brad says I’m imagining things. She laughs and says I’m being silly. I’m not sure what to do. What would you do? Worried, Astoria, Oregon 6 3 5 M A N Z A N IT A A V E N U E M A N Z A N IT A , OREGON P H O N E O R F A C S IM IL E 503 368 7518 Dear Womed, The first thing Uncle Mike would do is stop worrying. Things are what they are and aren’t what they’re not. What you’re looking for is the truth. Invite the little hussy over for dinner and observe how much your dog of a boyfriend wags his tail. When the meal's over and the coffee's poured, put on your coat. Tell they you’re off to spend the night in a hotel so they'll have a chance to discuss issues of hormones and loyalty and won’t be disturbed by the sight of you putting your fingers down your throat. Dear Uncle Mike, My girlfriend is going with this great guy. I’d be happy for her except for two things. She doesn’t really like him that much and I do. The guy treats her like a queen and she takes it for granted like he’s okay until something better comes along. She can get away with this because she’s gorgeous. She’s done it with guys before and hurt them really badly. She knows I like him but he doesn't. I’ve told her I think she's being a spoiled brat. I’m friends with a friend of his, should I tell him wbat’s going on so he can have some warning? Is there anything 1 can do? Michelle I Maturi Too As y D tli [GokAtq of Bcckvf H A r t (ç Ç v pfUÀoc books* ¿ f t t , Dear Michelle, There’s always something you can do. In this case, it's nothing. If your friend feels its okay to play men like cheap guitars, that’s her business. If the cheap guitar in question isn’t smart enough to see what’s going on, that’s his karma. Some men, bless their empty little heads, will sacrifice large chunks of their dignity and peace of mind for the sake of beauty. Uncle Mike suggests you wait until your girlfriend is through with h im and then see if the man knows how to appreciate a woman who doesn’t regard him as a toy in her emotional sand box. Don’t be surprised if the answer is no. We all have our lessons to learn. Transformation Àr L>ntda irv óoujrvtflurt p i a n i c i ^ S e S )3 W -5 3 |^ ,. G e n e r a l C o u n s e lin g In d iv id u a ls C o u p le s & F a m ilie s V ic to r H . P lu c y , D . S . . L .K 4 .T .. L .L A .P . SwebUh/ShiAtfw • R c I a x a H o h Reiki • Stre*f Relief m a - l . a a . f t . DISCOUNT FOR LOCALS ANO C A AE GIVERS Intimations Of Mortality by Victoria Stoppiello M y colfcc cup has a crack in it, and on this particular morning, it is a symbol o f every thing that is mortal. This cup could be ordinary, but it is one o f a kind; it's a particularly spectacular, handmade porcelain vessel. It's a large cup, probably intended lo r a man's hand. The glaze allows strips o f the onginal white porcelain to show through. Its beauty lays in its stark black and white, its squat yet graceful shape, but in particular, in its extremely glossy sheen. This cup holds memories. It was formed and fired near the site o f the Burning Man, in the cold, dry plains o f northwestern Nevada, in the Valley o f Many Smokes, referring to the hot springs and fumcroles that dot the landscape. The Burning Man is a festival o f sorts, one 1 may never see— I found out about it loo late. Now it has overreached and become a big event, with too many people. loo many pyrotechnics, too much drinking, and Uxi many young men just wanting to blow o ff explosives. M y coffee cup w as bom w hen the Burning Man was still little known, an anarchistic gathering o f artists and desert rats. Once a year they built sculptures with found materials, including a gigantic effigy, during a week o f camping, motorcycle riding and land- sailing on the flat desert fltxir. After this week or so o f preparation and invention, the huge man was set aflame, a spectacular sight undoubtedly visible for many miles in the clear desert air. The Burning Man gathering sounds similar to a Balinese funeral, w here the deceased person's fam ily hosts a celebration for a week, when all community members stop their routines to cat, be together, but most importantly, to construct the funeral vessel, a large and beautifully decorated bull. This materially glorious animal holds the coffin, and the w hole shebang is burned in a spectacular funeral p y re - all accomplished w ith the uplifting spirit o f an old-time New Orleans Dixieland funeral procession: "A t last, at last, free at last” from this vale o f tears, this worldly suffering. M y cup was bom in the ncsl o f such a festival. Passing through, we stopped at the artists' studio and saw many wonderful things. Most were beyond our budget, but I like to support artists, especially those who work in such remote spots. I wanted to buy some small expression o f their art, therefore this cup. The crack now isn't even visible. It hardly can be felt, but like my line wrinkles, it's a clue to what lies ahead. Sixmcr or later, it w ill widen, a large chip w ill break o ff and the glorious cup won't hold liquid again. Perhaps my cup w ill continue as a flower pot; perhaps it w ill shatter into innumerable pieces, but my cup is also immortal. It w ill live perhaps forever, or at least as long as paper protected by glass can survive. That's because on our livin g r«xim wall is a charcoal portrait o f me. In some ways this portrait is an iconograph o f Finnish tradition: There's a bk in my lap, a symbol o f my love o f reading and my educational achievements. I've been told that even p ixir Finns who work with their hands value books and know ledge. There is also a handmade knilc, treasured by my dad. In the draw ing, Ihc knife seems to say "I am a woman, but don't mess w ith me", but also refers to an old prejudice about Finns: "They're all drunks and they all carry knives," according to a Swedish anecdote. M y dad told me it was true; in the old days, the Finns 1 C j’e o rF io rt Woshirx^fon State licerne *A A F 2 0 0 0 0 4 0 712-8ÌÓJÌ CIar»r»ori B e a c h UÎPE.R LtfT ENÆ MftKCH 7???