Dear Uncle M ike,
A fter moving to Oregon from Iowa, relatives are asking i f
I've seen a Sasquatch Despite several near glimpses among the
denizens o f downtown Portland, I cannot say that I've actually
seen the big-footed bugger How about you? Have you ever seen
a Big-Foot? Ever attend a Sasquatch Potlatch?
Ned, the Iowa Boy
Dear Ned,
No, Uncle M ike has never seen a sasquatch. But then, he's
never seen Iowa either. He saw Kansas once, but it's been so long
ago it might not be as frightening as he remembers. Uncle M ike is
intrigued by your near sightings in downtown Portland and as soon
as you and your therapist sort out the details, he'd love not to know
them. Should your luck change (fo r better or worse, depending
upon the circumstances), Uncle M ike would recommend you not
greet him or her w ith a hearty midwest, "Hey, you big footed
bugger." Sasquatches are fairly laid back, but treated w ith
disrespect, their behavior is probably every bit as abominable as
any snowman in Tibet. Which explains why Uncle M ike has never
attended a potlatch thrown in their honor. But then, being easily
horrified, he also avoids karaoke bars.
Dear Uncle M ike,
Heard you were a Blazer fan. How about these guys? I think
this team is headed fo r greatness. What do you think?
A. Fellow Fan, Portland
LOWER LEFT CORNER
by Victoria Stoppiello
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Private profit by public servants at the expense of the
general welfare is corrupt period.
Estes Kefauver
Dear A.,
Uncle M ike has no idea who you've been talking to but
sincerely recommends you sever your contacts.
Dear Uncle M ike,
Why do football players always slap each other's butts? I f
cheerleaders did that they would probably get some weird looks
from the fans What do you think?
Anonymous, Elko, Nevada
Specialty Bakery
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Dear Anonymous,
Before beginning, Uncle M ike wants you to know he's
completely out o f his depth. He doesn't know any football players,
and i f he did, he can't imagine knowing one w ell enough to ask
why he slaps his team mates' butts. What does Uncle M ike think?
That slapping butts is better than slamming elbows into foreheads;
which, given the spirit o f the game, would be much less weird. It
would never occur to Uncle M ike to slap anyone's butt in front o f
anyone whose butt it wasn't, but he has nothing against those who
do. Unless, o f course, they're cheerleaders. Cheerleaders should
only giggle, hold hands, and bounce up and down. Unless they're
male, in which case they can head butt each other
Dear Uncle M ike,
1 am a sophomore at Elko High School, in Elko, Nevada. Our
assignment is to w rite and ask you a question. M y question is,
what makes people gay? I have wondered this for a long time, and
don't understand how someone can like the same sex.
Gina M icheli, Elko, Nevada
Dear Gina,
As nearly as Uncle M ike can understand, what makes people
gay is the same thing that makes people straight, only different.
The longer Uncle M ike observes his fe llow humans, the more
certain he is that sexuality is a spectrum rather than a polarity.
Technicolor as opposed to black and white Uncle M ike would
encourage you to keep wondering about the roots o f physical
attraction. Regardless what our sexual orientations might be,
the more we understand about sexual behavior, the less different
anyone else's seems.
Dear Uncle M ike,
Frustrated is the only word I can think to use. M y w ife and I
are currently building a new home. Though we have planned
everything carefully, and chose our contractors w ith care, it seems
they never show up as scheduled. Their other projects are running
longer than they planned, etc., etc. The work they were to perform
is holding up subsequent work, and now those subsequent
contractors' schedules are fille d on the new dates. I'm sorry I am
rambling, and am probably only blow ing o f f steam - but maybe
you could give me a few good phrases that could be used on the
delaying muffs that won't get me sued or thrown in ja il.
Frustrated in Port Angeles, Washington
Dear Frustrated,
Uncle M ike forgives you for rambling, and thinks it's nothing
but okay that you're blow ing oft'steam. Uncle M ike used to share
your frustration fo r things not going as scheduled He feels much
better since he realized that everything happens at just the right
moment and the real problem was his n itw it attempt to predict a
future filled w ith variables over which he had little or no control
He still makes plans but no longer confuses the road map with the
actual trip and tries to control nothing but his own actions. As for
what you might say to these irresponsible swine, it depends upon
how fast you want your house built. I f you're not above pouring
the foundation yourself, when the little prima donnas show up with
the trucks, tell them today isn't good for you and you'll get back to
them when your schedule clears A t which point, they'll either sue
you or react in ways that w ill allow you to have them thrown in ja il
and you and your husband can get on w ith assembling your yurt.
letters to U nde M ike: PO Box 1242, Depoe Bay, O R 97341
I
Sometimes A Great Lotion
.n
IN AN UNJUST WORLD...JUSTICE.
Personal Injury Lawyer
GREGORY KYFOI RY
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320 S.W. Stark Street
Portland. OR 97204
Phone:
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had to yell at him, get his attention He had
his back to the surf when a particularly large
wave boomed and exploded fifty yards away
He wasn't paying attention, perched on driftwood,
looking up the beach toward North Head.
"Dannnil, ge/ over here and don't turn your hack
on the ocean. " I wasn't talking to a kid, but to my
husband Like most people raised in the east, he is
still fascinated by the power o f the Pacific during a
winter storm
The lopography near (he Columbia's North Jetty
has been changing almost daily After 24 hours o f
windy weather, gustmg to sixty, the surf is wild on
a high tide, with twenty-loot waves. His fascination
is counterpoised with my fear, my conservative
instincts, my knowledge that people die every year,
crushed by wave tossed logs I never think "it won't
happen to me" because I figure that arrogant
attitude is usually what gels people in trouble.
Our different reactions mirror our different
upbringings and our different experiences As
a male, he was probably raised to be more risk
taking, but the bigger difference is cultural People
on the east coast don't go to the beach much during
winter; besides they don't have any driftwood
anyway. Walking on the beach is a year round
activity in the Northwest, but not on the Jersey
shore Their weather is influenced by the cold
continental air mass, while ours is tempered by the
Pacific ocean Their winter winds are biting cold
compared to ours.
People in New Jersey go to the beach for
basking, swimming and bodysurling in the warm,
reliable waves o f summer A person gets tired
before he gels cold in that water So that's their
paradigm o f ocean. The hurricane season usually
happens after families have gone home on Labor
Day and no one bothers much with the beach in
winter. The towns are buttoned up, businesses
closed, and cottages shuttered. The boardwalk is
empty and the camie rides silent sculpture
I've walked those boards in winter, bundled up
against searing cold under gunntetal skies It isn't
pleasant. It isn't sweater and windbreakcr weather
By comparison the beaches are abandoned and
there are few witnesses to winter's power over the
Atlantic, laid flat and angry by steady wind, cold
rain or bits o f snow.
But yesterday, here at home, there were a lot o f
us out marveling at the size o f the waves and the
mountains o f driftwood being swept and sucked
back again like proverbial match sticks
In a few brisk storms, the ocean has swept in on
the accumulation just north o f the jetty, blasted it
loose - asphalt, driftwood, sand dunes. What was
dry land only a month ago is now submerged at
high tide. The ocean is taking back what it has built
over decades
On the east coast, there's been a tendency to
build to the foredune and then try to protect what's
built with sea walls, groins, and revetments There's
mounting scientific opinion that these efforts have
failed, that the more interventions are tried, the
more the beach erodes. Most o f the beaches on the
eastern seaboard arc barrier islands and long sand
spits, sometimes barely a quarter mile wide. The
natural process is for the ocean to eat away at the
eastern side while flinging and washing sand
landward The islands gradually shift west
The sea wulls, in particular, interfere with this
process M illions o f federal dollars have been
poured into replenishing beaches and rebuilding
homes and businesses damaged in storms. It's a
losing battle, but one that's hard to give up
Similar battles have been won and lost on the
Oregon coast. Bayocean Spit was planned to be a
grand resort in the 19th century tradition, now only
a few traces o f the concrete and rail lines remain
In the fifties houses at Cape Meares, one by one slid
into the ocean In the seventies, homeowners on
Salishan spit appealed to the state to help them rip
rap the foredune to save their houses from the
ocean's incursions.
Other people laughed at the foolishness o f
building one's house on sand, especially sand with
water on three sides.
Meanwhile, we're entertained by our winter
storms, but perhaps, we're also subtly educated
The unpredictability o f a Pacific storm tide
makes us more cautious, respectful, and our
temperate winters allow us to get out and
experience it
Maybe easterners, and city folk everywhere,
should take more walks on a winter beach and see
just what a stormy (Kean can do We might build
differently
This nation has mistaken comfort for culture, conveniences for civilization.
Grant Singleton
G e n e ra l
C o u n s e lin g
In d iv id u a ls
C o u p le s
ANTHONY STOPPIELLO
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