Dear Uncle M ike, A fter moving to Oregon from Iowa, relatives are asking i f I've seen a Sasquatch Despite several near glimpses among the denizens o f downtown Portland, I cannot say that I've actually seen the big-footed bugger How about you? Have you ever seen a Big-Foot? Ever attend a Sasquatch Potlatch? Ned, the Iowa Boy Dear Ned, No, Uncle M ike has never seen a sasquatch. But then, he's never seen Iowa either. He saw Kansas once, but it's been so long ago it might not be as frightening as he remembers. Uncle M ike is intrigued by your near sightings in downtown Portland and as soon as you and your therapist sort out the details, he'd love not to know them. Should your luck change (fo r better or worse, depending upon the circumstances), Uncle M ike would recommend you not greet him or her w ith a hearty midwest, "Hey, you big footed bugger." Sasquatches are fairly laid back, but treated w ith disrespect, their behavior is probably every bit as abominable as any snowman in Tibet. Which explains why Uncle M ike has never attended a potlatch thrown in their honor. But then, being easily horrified, he also avoids karaoke bars. Dear Uncle M ike, Heard you were a Blazer fan. How about these guys? I think this team is headed fo r greatness. What do you think? A. Fellow Fan, Portland LOWER LEFT CORNER by Victoria Stoppiello r E l it a B rand C otton B ras P a n t o and LINGERIE ANU 5LEEPVEAR W IT H A N EMPHAJIJ ON C O T TO N ANU JILR 27 JCENTJ O f PERELM OIL ANU CUSTOM SCENTED MASSAGE OR., BODY LO TIO N, AND B A T H & I ncense SHOVER GEL a n j candles 4 3 6 - O I& 9 J 9 N. H envocr C annon B each O R Private profit by public servants at the expense of the general welfare is corrupt period. Estes Kefauver Dear A., Uncle M ike has no idea who you've been talking to but sincerely recommends you sever your contacts. Dear Uncle M ike, Why do football players always slap each other's butts? I f cheerleaders did that they would probably get some weird looks from the fans What do you think? Anonymous, Elko, Nevada Specialty Bakery Breada ~ Pastries Dessert» — Espresso E m m a W h ite Building 1064 H e m lo c k *■ M id to w n C a n n o n Beach Dear Anonymous, Before beginning, Uncle M ike wants you to know he's completely out o f his depth. He doesn't know any football players, and i f he did, he can't imagine knowing one w ell enough to ask why he slaps his team mates' butts. What does Uncle M ike think? That slapping butts is better than slamming elbows into foreheads; which, given the spirit o f the game, would be much less weird. It would never occur to Uncle M ike to slap anyone's butt in front o f anyone whose butt it wasn't, but he has nothing against those who do. Unless, o f course, they're cheerleaders. Cheerleaders should only giggle, hold hands, and bounce up and down. Unless they're male, in which case they can head butt each other Dear Uncle M ike, 1 am a sophomore at Elko High School, in Elko, Nevada. Our assignment is to w rite and ask you a question. M y question is, what makes people gay? I have wondered this for a long time, and don't understand how someone can like the same sex. Gina M icheli, Elko, Nevada Dear Gina, As nearly as Uncle M ike can understand, what makes people gay is the same thing that makes people straight, only different. The longer Uncle M ike observes his fe llow humans, the more certain he is that sexuality is a spectrum rather than a polarity. Technicolor as opposed to black and white Uncle M ike would encourage you to keep wondering about the roots o f physical attraction. Regardless what our sexual orientations might be, the more we understand about sexual behavior, the less different anyone else's seems. Dear Uncle M ike, Frustrated is the only word I can think to use. M y w ife and I are currently building a new home. Though we have planned everything carefully, and chose our contractors w ith care, it seems they never show up as scheduled. Their other projects are running longer than they planned, etc., etc. The work they were to perform is holding up subsequent work, and now those subsequent contractors' schedules are fille d on the new dates. I'm sorry I am rambling, and am probably only blow ing o f f steam - but maybe you could give me a few good phrases that could be used on the delaying muffs that won't get me sued or thrown in ja il. Frustrated in Port Angeles, Washington Dear Frustrated, Uncle M ike forgives you for rambling, and thinks it's nothing but okay that you're blow ing oft'steam. Uncle M ike used to share your frustration fo r things not going as scheduled He feels much better since he realized that everything happens at just the right moment and the real problem was his n itw it attempt to predict a future filled w ith variables over which he had little or no control He still makes plans but no longer confuses the road map with the actual trip and tries to control nothing but his own actions. As for what you might say to these irresponsible swine, it depends upon how fast you want your house built. I f you're not above pouring the foundation yourself, when the little prima donnas show up with the trucks, tell them today isn't good for you and you'll get back to them when your schedule clears A t which point, they'll either sue you or react in ways that w ill allow you to have them thrown in ja il and you and your husband can get on w ith assembling your yurt. letters to U nde M ike: PO Box 1242, Depoe Bay, O R 97341 I Sometimes A Great Lotion .n IN AN UNJUST WORLD...JUSTICE. Personal Injury Lawyer GREGORY KYFOI RY 202 Oregon Pioneer Building 320 S.W. Stark Street Portland. OR 97204 Phone: (503) 224-2647 had to yell at him, get his attention He had his back to the surf when a particularly large wave boomed and exploded fifty yards away He wasn't paying attention, perched on driftwood, looking up the beach toward North Head. "Dannnil, ge/ over here and don't turn your hack on the ocean. " I wasn't talking to a kid, but to my husband Like most people raised in the east, he is still fascinated by the power o f the Pacific during a winter storm The lopography near (he Columbia's North Jetty has been changing almost daily After 24 hours o f windy weather, gustmg to sixty, the surf is wild on a high tide, with twenty-loot waves. His fascination is counterpoised with my fear, my conservative instincts, my knowledge that people die every year, crushed by wave tossed logs I never think "it won't happen to me" because I figure that arrogant attitude is usually what gels people in trouble. Our different reactions mirror our different upbringings and our different experiences As a male, he was probably raised to be more risk­ taking, but the bigger difference is cultural People on the east coast don't go to the beach much during winter; besides they don't have any driftwood anyway. Walking on the beach is a year round activity in the Northwest, but not on the Jersey shore Their weather is influenced by the cold continental air mass, while ours is tempered by the Pacific ocean Their winter winds are biting cold compared to ours. People in New Jersey go to the beach for basking, swimming and bodysurling in the warm, reliable waves o f summer A person gets tired before he gels cold in that water So that's their paradigm o f ocean. The hurricane season usually happens after families have gone home on Labor Day and no one bothers much with the beach in winter. The towns are buttoned up, businesses closed, and cottages shuttered. The boardwalk is empty and the camie rides silent sculpture I've walked those boards in winter, bundled up against searing cold under gunntetal skies It isn't pleasant. It isn't sweater and windbreakcr weather By comparison the beaches are abandoned and there are few witnesses to winter's power over the Atlantic, laid flat and angry by steady wind, cold rain or bits o f snow. But yesterday, here at home, there were a lot o f us out marveling at the size o f the waves and the mountains o f driftwood being swept and sucked back again like proverbial match sticks In a few brisk storms, the ocean has swept in on the accumulation just north o f the jetty, blasted it loose - asphalt, driftwood, sand dunes. What was dry land only a month ago is now submerged at high tide. The ocean is taking back what it has built over decades On the east coast, there's been a tendency to build to the foredune and then try to protect what's built with sea walls, groins, and revetments There's mounting scientific opinion that these efforts have failed, that the more interventions are tried, the more the beach erodes. Most o f the beaches on the eastern seaboard arc barrier islands and long sand spits, sometimes barely a quarter mile wide. The natural process is for the ocean to eat away at the eastern side while flinging and washing sand landward The islands gradually shift west The sea wulls, in particular, interfere with this process M illions o f federal dollars have been poured into replenishing beaches and rebuilding homes and businesses damaged in storms. It's a losing battle, but one that's hard to give up Similar battles have been won and lost on the Oregon coast. Bayocean Spit was planned to be a grand resort in the 19th century tradition, now only a few traces o f the concrete and rail lines remain In the fifties houses at Cape Meares, one by one slid into the ocean In the seventies, homeowners on Salishan spit appealed to the state to help them rip rap the foredune to save their houses from the ocean's incursions. Other people laughed at the foolishness o f building one's house on sand, especially sand with water on three sides. Meanwhile, we're entertained by our winter storms, but perhaps, we're also subtly educated The unpredictability o f a Pacific storm tide makes us more cautious, respectful, and our temperate winters allow us to get out and experience it Maybe easterners, and city folk everywhere, should take more walks on a winter beach and see just what a stormy (Kean can do We might build differently This nation has mistaken comfort for culture, conveniences for civilization. Grant Singleton G e n e ra l C o u n s e lin g In d iv id u a ls C o u p le s ANTHONY STOPPIELLO = = = = = = = = = = = = A r c h ite c t