Dear Uncle Mike,
My buddy and I have a bet going. He
thinks you're a conservative, I think you're a
liberal. We both agree that if we haven't
been able to figure you out yet, you're okay
either way. Nosey question, right?
Two Guys in Elko
Dear Two Guys,
Nosey seems a bit tame. It's more polite to inquire after someone's
intestinal tract than their philosophy of government. But, since you
were gauche enough to ask, Uncle Mike is fool enough to answer. If you
come upon someone collapsed on the roadside, there are two ways to get
them up: lend them a hand or kick them repeatedly. While Uncle Mike is
more disposed to the former, he would cheerfully open a major vein
before calling himself a liberal; while there are individuals and
institutions that cry out more for a boot to the backside than a monthly
check, if Uncle Mike and Pat Buchanan were marooned in a cabin, only one
would emerge in the spring. Like many of the thoughtful, Uncle Mike
gags at a two party system that embodies the democratic principles of
Microsoft, Nike, and AT&T but with fewer benefits and less chance for
advancement. Politics in the corporate state boils down to a choice
between several brands of com flakes, all of them overpriced and
drained of nutritional content. Is Uncle Mike a liberal or a
conservative? Yes and no. Given the chance, he'd vote a straight
reform ticket since, in his experience, there's precious little about
government, and a society that would let it happen, that's not sorely in
need of it. As for his religious affiliation, your logical next
question, Uncle Mike is a Pythagorean with quantum/relativistic leanings
and an abiding love for fairies.
Dear Uncle Mike,
My boyfriend and I have an ongoing argument about tipping. I say the
current rule of fifteen percent is enough, less if the service is
mediocre. He never tips less than twenty-five percent and I've seen him
leave five dollars on the table to cover two cups of coffee. We both
have active professional lives and eat qut a great deal. Money's not
the issue. Being in business, I just don't believe in paying more than
the accepted price for goods and services. We both read your column and
would like to know what you think.
Kristin L., Seattle
Dear Kristin,
Uncle Mike thinks you and your boyfriend should find new partners, He
could find someone able to distinguish between value and price and you
could find someone who had a calculator implanted at birth. Uncle Mike
is glad you have an active professional life and hopes it's more
pleasant than that of the waiters and waitresses who serve food and
beverages to the cheap. It's nice that you eat out a lot. Whenever
Uncle Mike does, it's because he's either too lazy to cook or unable to
make anything half as good. He tries not to forget that his dining
experience involves the short term hiring of personal staff. Yes, your
waiter or waitress is paid an hourly wage: one that would nearly cover
slamming your plate on the table and ignoring you until you went away.
Good service is an art and a vocation. Your tip is an expression of
gratitude for being treated like a pasha and respect for anyone who
could put up with you and still be gracious. On Uncle Mike's block
there are two rules for tipping. If it doesn't fold, it's not a tip,
and you could die before you had another chance to treat another human
being the way you'd like to be treated. Perhaps your company will
downsize and give you the chance to sing for your supper to an audience
of the tone deaf. Bon appetit.
WIUM
C 0 \ T E M P 0 R A R Y
D E S IG N
F IN E A R T
(503) 436-2910
263 N. Hemlock
P.O. Box 1208
Cannon Beach, OR 9711.0
C h r is te n
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In the realm o f human destiny, the
depth o f a man’s questioning is more
im portant than his answers.
-Andre Malraux
Whit&rd
CANNON
BEACH
One man’s idea of hell is to be forced
to remain in another man’s idea of
heaven.
OREGON
—
Dear Uncle Mike,
Everywhere I turn, someone is talking about living life "on the edge".
I remain unclear why this should be a goal. I am in my midfifties, have
been married to the same woman for more than thirty years, and together
we have raised three successful children. Neither my wife nor I are
dull people. We merely agreed long ago to not take chances whose
repercussions would effect the quality of our lives and those of our
children. Tell me if I'm wrong, but it seems that living on the edge is
a selfish decision that flies in the face of civilization itself and
ignores the rewards of a mature, responsible life. Standing on the edge
of anything means living constantly in danger of falling. That this
seems to be becoming a national spirit is not encouraging.
Centered, Eugene, Oregon
Dear Centered,
Uncle Mike is pleased to hear that you and your wife aren't dull and
have raised three successful children. Interesting word, success.
While the sort of living on the edge portrayed in commercials for soft
drinks and gotirmet sneakers appeals to Uncle Mike even less than sliding
down a bannister lined with broken glass, the idea and the path to
fulfillment it represents are part of the human equation. To live on
the edge means to be outside, to test the rules in order to see which
are grounded in universal truth and which are part of society's shuck
and jive machinery of control. All of art and science depend upon
questioning what seems to be in light of what is. This includes the art
of living a good life and the science of human relationships. Socrates,
Einstein, Picasso, and Miles Davis, in showing us their view from the
edge, changed the way we perceive the world. One hesitates to call them
immature or irresponsible. As Bob Dylan, a child of the middle class,
pointed out: to live outside the law you must be honest. To live
inside the law, all you need to do is memorize the rules and behave,
certain in the knowledge that if you smile and nod enough, master will
give you a cookie. Your assumption that this decision is a magic charm
against nasty repercussions prompts Uncle Mike to much needed laughter.
As someone once suggested, hell is an eternity spent in comfort and
certainty. Yes, life on the edge involves the certainty of falling. It
also provides humans with their only opportunity to fly. Enjoy your
coma.
Letters to Uncle Mike: PO Box 1242, Depoc Bay, OR 97341
Awaken Your Body...
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