Dear Uncle Mike, My buddy and I have a bet going. He thinks you're a conservative, I think you're a liberal. We both agree that if we haven't been able to figure you out yet, you're okay either way. Nosey question, right? Two Guys in Elko Dear Two Guys, Nosey seems a bit tame. It's more polite to inquire after someone's intestinal tract than their philosophy of government. But, since you were gauche enough to ask, Uncle Mike is fool enough to answer. If you come upon someone collapsed on the roadside, there are two ways to get them up: lend them a hand or kick them repeatedly. While Uncle Mike is more disposed to the former, he would cheerfully open a major vein before calling himself a liberal; while there are individuals and institutions that cry out more for a boot to the backside than a monthly check, if Uncle Mike and Pat Buchanan were marooned in a cabin, only one would emerge in the spring. Like many of the thoughtful, Uncle Mike gags at a two party system that embodies the democratic principles of Microsoft, Nike, and AT&T but with fewer benefits and less chance for advancement. Politics in the corporate state boils down to a choice between several brands of com flakes, all of them overpriced and drained of nutritional content. Is Uncle Mike a liberal or a conservative? Yes and no. Given the chance, he'd vote a straight reform ticket since, in his experience, there's precious little about government, and a society that would let it happen, that's not sorely in need of it. As for his religious affiliation, your logical next question, Uncle Mike is a Pythagorean with quantum/relativistic leanings and an abiding love for fairies. Dear Uncle Mike, My boyfriend and I have an ongoing argument about tipping. I say the current rule of fifteen percent is enough, less if the service is mediocre. He never tips less than twenty-five percent and I've seen him leave five dollars on the table to cover two cups of coffee. We both have active professional lives and eat qut a great deal. Money's not the issue. Being in business, I just don't believe in paying more than the accepted price for goods and services. We both read your column and would like to know what you think. Kristin L., Seattle Dear Kristin, Uncle Mike thinks you and your boyfriend should find new partners, He could find someone able to distinguish between value and price and you could find someone who had a calculator implanted at birth. Uncle Mike is glad you have an active professional life and hopes it's more pleasant than that of the waiters and waitresses who serve food and beverages to the cheap. It's nice that you eat out a lot. Whenever Uncle Mike does, it's because he's either too lazy to cook or unable to make anything half as good. He tries not to forget that his dining experience involves the short term hiring of personal staff. Yes, your waiter or waitress is paid an hourly wage: one that would nearly cover slamming your plate on the table and ignoring you until you went away. Good service is an art and a vocation. Your tip is an expression of gratitude for being treated like a pasha and respect for anyone who could put up with you and still be gracious. On Uncle Mike's block there are two rules for tipping. If it doesn't fold, it's not a tip, and you could die before you had another chance to treat another human being the way you'd like to be treated. Perhaps your company will downsize and give you the chance to sing for your supper to an audience of the tone deaf. Bon appetit. WIUM C 0 \ T E M P 0 R A R Y D E S IG N F IN E A R T (503) 436-2910 263 N. Hemlock P.O. Box 1208 Cannon Beach, OR 9711.0 C h r is te n A lls o p