Septem ber. Once again the venerable
Professor m ounts his high horse, cudgel in
hand, armed to the teeth w ith bluster and
p o n tific a tio n , prepared to assail the clou dy
shapes of experience. W ith lance low ered, I
com m ence m y verbal charge at this m o n th 's
ta rg e t: ram pant insensitivity.
This sum m er’ s deluge of self-centered
and arrogant to u rist sw arm s, Lexus and
V olvo d rivin g , la tttf w ired boors, shouting
endless strin gs o f squalling brats do w n main
stre e t, leaves me nearly speechless w ith
d isg ust and em barrassm ent. W hat have we
bocom e as a creature? Have w e no shame?
Dr. Karkeys and I collected our
th o u g h ts last Saturday on O sburn's Porch,
as is our cu sto m , and assessed the
dam ages. The good Dr. term s them
"p ro n o id s ". He tells me the y're
characterized by a general lack of
appre ciation for the subtleties o f place and
circu m sta n ce . They bring, like dung
beetles, th e ir baggage and values w ith
them , m odern day afflu e n t carpet baggers
and scalaw ags, spreading C ostco across the
landscape.
M ind you. I'm not asking for some
hyp erse nsiti/ed Edgar Allan Poe characters,
faculties honed and ultra alert to the tunes
of the firm am ent. I m erely hope for some
peeling aw ay of the layers of thick skm
encasing m any visitors to our co m m u n ity
and coastline. My friend V iolet Thom pson
believes that civilization s in decline m anifest
certain shaiod characteristics, specifically
disregard for on e's fe llo w man and for the
natural w o rld . Perhaps our sheer numbers
and insatiable greed co n trib u te . One can
only speculate.
Sheri Lerma opens for business at the
Cannon Beach Cookie C om pany each
m orning at 7 :3 0 a m. Bold signs indicate
th a t fact. Sheri, Carol, and Andrea begin
their w o rkd a y at 2 :3 0 a m. Premature
patrons poke inside the door before seven.
"A re you open?"
"N o t 'til 7 30, like the sign says."
"O h, w ell, could I got som ething?"
“ I could give you c o ffe e ," Shen says,
w iping m u ffin dough o ff her hands.
"I'd like a double latte Am ericano
Grande, 's k in n y ', if it's not too much
tro u b le ."
Sheri grim aces, w ipes the flour from
her hands, and sulks tow a rd the ospresso
m achine I sit aghast on my counter stool,
knocked o ff balance by the sheer cheek of
people. A fte r fie leaves, Sheri regroups.
"T h a t's n o th in g !" Sheri says, "Y esterday a
guy asked mo if I got my baked goods from
the rqal bakery d o w n the stre e t!"
T hroughout this summer the evidence
accum ulated. I'm n o w thoroughly
convinced w e are the filthie st, most
tho ug htless, and degenerate of creatures.
A t m idday a cacophony of car alarms
rattles the noon air. Left unattended, the
devices w a il and w hine on and on. I pray
for the blast of a rocket propelled grenade
to pu t the m oaning B M W. out of its
m isery. By mid aftern oon autom obile "boom
b o xo s" shake the w in d o w s and rattle the
giblets of passersby in some soismic Star
W ar parody. I shudder and w onder w hat it
all means.
At lunch one A ugust w eekend I w a it
m y turn at O sburn's deli counter. A Jim m y
H offa looking guy b u tts in fro nt of me and
co n fro n ts the young checkout clerk at the
register.
"M y son bought some candy here
th a t exploded in his m outh, and I w an t my
m oney b a c k ."
" I 'll give you r 50 cents back, s ir", the
young clerk offers. "B ut we d o n 't sell th a t
candy here, do w e Suze?"
"N o ", the manager, Susan, assures
the clerk
"W h y you little lying S .O .B .", the
H offa guy rages. "I sa w him buy it righ t
here in this s to re ."
A fte r he storm s o ff, I c o n firm the
facts. No exploding candy at O sburns.
Early this sum mer a gentlem an
urinated behind a rack of cloth s in a local
clo th in g store. W hat hath God w ro u g h t, I
ask you?
Last w eek the final stra w snapped.
V icto r. 8 0 year old lobster and long tim e
resident o f the Seaside A quarium was
kidnapped. Pursued, the perpetrator
dropped V ictor on the cem ent w a lk w a y of
the Prom in Seaside cracking his carapace.
V icto r died 2 days later. I am ashamed for
us all.
6 T O
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