when wa need it, what s the big deal, but the thing is
when it comas to Laura I know what the big deal la, I've
worked with her for almost two gears now, I ought to
know Her priorities are all fucked, that's what the big
dee, ia Really She s completely focused on saving
time on nitty little things, so focused that the big things
get completely away from har Lika her DIM Did I tall
you about har DIM7 That's Driving Under tha Influence
In this state, don't know what it's called where you are,
Ib e I a s c ia a tis a a l la a r a C larke
By Bin Clrrte
P «-t 2
But w a re in the back room at the bookstore, e
relatively unimportant place, dealing as it does tn
books, which depend as we know on the increasingly
Irrelevan t medium of the printed word I have just
taken the trash out, an object lesson In how Irrelevant
the printed word is My trash load consisted of eight
boxes of stripped books which I dumped tn the
compactor tn the underbelly of this glass and-steel
Northeast Portland shopping melt Eight boxes of
books, their covers stripped off and sent back to the
publishers for credit Eight boxes, each containing
some two hundred paperbacks, most of them garbage in
content as well as tn fact, to be sure, romances end
westerns end mysteries end elf sagas, predictable,
formulate stories, the worst of the worst, so slovenly
w ritten for the most part they don't even meet the
depressed standards of category Action But tome of
these books ere good books Good books get thrown
ewey It happens We over-order here at J Johnson
Booksellers We get more books than we can sell It's
Just the way of the corporate world Better to have too
much then not enough, fe ttfr t$ drive 1 h « f p g lfi The
book can always be stripped out, only its cover
returned so everybody saves on freight, the publisher
gives the corporation full credit - - this »>, after ell
the largest bookstore chain tn the country, and what
publisher ts going to piss off the single largest outlet
for tte warae? We throw out some fifty cubic feat of
books per week This ts not an atypical store, nor Is
that an atypical figure M ultiply fifty cubic feet by the
number of stores tn the chain and you come up with
better than 5 0 ,0 0 0 cubic feet of books thrown away
weekly by J Johnson Bookaallera Continue
multiplying - - go ahead I arrive at 2 4 million cubic
feet of books tossed out every year by this corporation
How many trees died for these lonesome tomes? That
stultifying question remains lodged tn my head as I sit
in the back room eating my lunch, a cheese sandwich,
and listening without wanting to listen to Laura and
Yern They understand the relative unimportance of
books They're not talking books at a ll, they re talking
P -a n d -L , and grosses and nets, and plans and budgets I
w ill try to describe them here I'm hoping if I can
describe Laura Clarke with her clothes on I can keep
eway from that unsatisfactory and admtttedly somewhat
adolescent reason why I e v e r, ever, for God's sake, got
Involved with the women
Yern firs t Whoo Respite Earlier we noted Yern's
permanent residence in the 1970a His hair is
feathered and blown back Hts collars are too big Ha s
a wide, slope-shouldered, bodybuilder-used car
salesman typa with t husky voice always on the verge
of cracktnQ, a voice that sounds as though it s been
permanently altered by excess steroid use He's talking
In a language I don't know I really can't do it Justice
here In the back room of J Johnson's because It's In a
language I really don't know It's puffed out with
acronyms and pat phraaaa Ilka PMA and Romancing the
Product, and It Is this last one that clues me in , fin ally,
because I know that's whet he's doing as he skins back
his lips and points his pearly whites in Laura's
direction He's Romancing hts Product right here ,n
the back room, and his product Is what every
salesman's product ultimately ts, nothing but himself,
the snake, thts married man, hitting on the woman I've
bean involved with for at least a few weeks now, with
no more concern for my presence than If I had been a
speck of flyshtt
I must admit It annoyed me, Yern flirtin g with Laura
right tn front of me I don't really like admitting
though on what level It did annoy me, a very primal and
masculine level That’s what I'm living tn fear about
here, that is what makes it so hard to put pen to paper
and honestly express my experience, because If I'm
honest. If I tru th fu lly tall you what It was that grabbed
me about Laura Clarke so far back in the mist of
narrative, some ten days ago a leat, what 1t was that
propelled me toward her, then I know I w ill lose a
certain number of you I know I w ill be judged
I hate this I'd like to end It right here, but I can't
Standard narrative might ba suspect these days, but
still There Is an aesthetic one ought to observe One
really can't stop things just because it's getting a bit
touchy It's a simple matter of self-respect
The thing ts, I just wish I had never let myself get
involved with Laura Clarke I don't think it would be
possible for two people who are more incompatible to
have gotten together, much less to have been together
for as long as we have, which is at least a week now
Like the other day I take some trash into the back
room and when I come back she asks me why I didn't
b n ng tha handtruck with ma and I just tall har It's
because I didn’t bring the handtruck with me And she
says, But we re going to be moving those bargain books
off that table and w a ll need the handtruck and I say,
Yeah, but we won t be moving those bargain books until
after the noon crowd clears out, which won't be for
another half-hour yet And she says. Yeah, but w a ll
Just have to go and get the handtruck then and that s so
inefficient (one of har favorite w ords), wa could have
saved a trip
40
I
And I say, Christ, 111 get the handtruck
LtfT EDGE. TULY IW
and boy has it been an inefficient experience for Laura
Clarke She caught tha attention of tha police one night
with her sloppy driving, and what was causing that
sloppy driving7 She was eating a Taco Ball burrito and
trying not to get hot sauce on her blouse, causing her to
weave between lanes I've told her a down times she
shouldn't eat and drive and what has the always said?
"I'm a busy person,* she's always said, *1 have to eat on
the run It's more efficient ' Yeah, It's cost her
$ 2 ,5 0 0 and counting so fa r , that's how efficient it's
been And her past involvements, three In a row,
bam bam-bam, married men, all of them who together
maraged to gang break her heart The thing la, she a a
loon, see, a definite loon, I know that, I could go on and
on hare for pages and pages, veritable reams, about tha
strange and screved-up ways of Laura Clarke, really. I
have that much material, but I think you get the d rift
I think you know the score on Laura now And I have to
wonder just what, pray tell, you w ill think of me when
I tell you I believe I'm falling in love with her7
But I must describe Laura now, and I find that in my
thought of her I can really only think of one thing about
her, the reason I wanted to touch her and hold her that
night after work some several days ago Momentous
life decisions sometimes hinge on pure animal desires
How frightening that is 1 I wanted to make love to Laura
Clarke because
Dum-de-dum Because of her
breasts, that s all there ts to It 3he has Incredible
breasts There This is sc embarrassing I mean to say
it s not embarrassing that we re attracted to each other
sometimes, probably even most of the time, on the
basis of overt sexual characteristics, that's a given,
but still My fascination with Laura Clarke s cleavage
embarrasses me here because I can now he justly
accused of objectifying women I mean I understand to
an extent I suppose the problems feminists have with
white male literature that objectifies and degradas
women I mean I understand It I guess as much as a
white male ran I guess I'm qualifying the hell out of
all this, I know that But I'm just saying Im ju s t
trying to be honest here And l heve to admit that the
finger of judgment can be fa irly pointed at me because I
consider Laura an object of physical desire solely on
the basis of her incredible breasts It was her breasts
that made me want to make love to her, end it wae her
breasts thet led me to those other things about her I
found I could fall in love w ith, like her mouth, and her
lipa, and the way she ueas har mouth and har lipa I
lève her mouth and her lips as well as her breasts now
And the way she strokes herself when I lick her
breasts, and the noises she mokes when we re making
love
See how one thl ng leads to another7 You start
by pointing your camera on a gala tita and tha next
thing you know you're reducing a human being to sat of
Matisse curves and a couple orifices Like I say. It's
embarrassing, but still I cannot deny my reality But
I suppose I could at least apologize for it I ’m sorry
Ha M ys, Lika w ho7
I tell him h ell have to give me something more to
work with before I could hazard a guess, »m et hi ng
more than "Two words »unde like Harman M elville '
He says, they re suspense-thriller kinds of books,
really popular
'Nelson DeMille?" I guess Bingo His eyes light up
Buzzers and bells go oft I take him to the book and he
follows ma to tha register end I w l, it to him
Immediately behind turn in line ta a vary old woman
with a lost expression 'Excuse me,’ she says She
speaks very slowly "There's this new book on
Alzheimer s Disease
but I cant remember the name
of It '
I wait, not quite knowing whet to tell her
"And I can't remember the author ,* she adds
I tell her I don't recall seel ng a new Alzhet mer s book
but I taka her to the section where it would be if we had
it and wa talk for a bit but then I have to get back up
front On the way I'm accosted by a customer of tru ly
gargantuan proportions She is pouring out of tha
romance section, blocking my path to the front Her
hair is stringy and patches are missing from the top of
her lead Tender pink scalp shows through, almost the
color of the splotches on her round pie face *l'm
looking for this book,* she Mys She has a grevelly
voice "I can't find it ’ I ask her the title T u f lt lk i
K iw es.* she Mys, *by Janet Smith * I tell her 111 try
to order it in for her and scamper my way past her
quickly to the front to check the microfiche to see
which of our distributors might carry It She follows
me up, other customers bolting to Mfety at her
advance, and when she is maybe ten feet from me she
bellows out, "That a Cupcake Kisses, a romance novel *
And work continues on like that for awhile, and I'm
wondering how long Laura and Yern are going to talk in
the back while I handle tha front alone I could always
buzz for help but It never does get quite busy enough to
demand this measure, and enough time elapses anyway
that it is 5 3 0 , time for Laura to leave, and Brgan
arrives from the back, her replacement, and I say to
him, *Ara Laura and Yern still back there7 * He nods,
and finally Yern comes up and leaves and I am
unaccountable relieved, or maybe It is accountable To
lose Laura? To Yarn? A death merchant like Yarn? and
I guess I momentarily forget that Laura is something of
the death merchant as well
Laura finally comes out of the back room about a
quarter to six "Hey,* I say She nods 'Look,* I say,
getting tier off alone momenterily in the Horror
section “You re comt ng over tonight ?* She begs off,
automatic excuses of laundry and hair care oozing out of
her mouth My heart pounds as I watch Laura then, a
display of Anne Rice novels framing her Medusa heir -
have I told you anything about her Medusa hair? Or
her » f t blue eyes? She is bundled up, it is w in te r, did
I mention that7 When all this Is over, w ill you have a
m o m of how tha weather was7 Wel, it's been cold It's
been cold for a long time If we had lakes around here
they would be frozen, and if you were going to fish m
those lakes you would need an ice axe to get at those
fishes lurking underneath That Is how the weather has
been
Laura leaves then and I stare at her as she walks out
into the mail It's only been a couple of days, actually
It happened only once, and it happened after we got very
drunk It happened only once but I was hoping more
than anything that it would happen aoatn
I'm so rry. I m sorry, I m sorry
So I'm In the back room staring at Laura's breasts
while trying not to stare at her breasts - - it's a very
Zen thing - - and It's tough not to be overt about It ,
she's wearing such a low-cut top and a ll, the same top
she wore some four or five days ago when, after several
drinks at the bar around the corner we came back here
because she hod forgotten her cellular phone and I hod
grabbed at her, that night we had gotten involved She a
wearing the low-cut top even though It's w in ter, and
cold in our back room, and aha'a loaning forward a bit
from where she is perched on a low stack of boxes,
staring up at Yern They're egging each other on with
their Mias talk and I'm sitting hare on the other side of
the room wolfing my cheese sandwich, shifting my
camera eye from Laura to Yern to all the books we have
back here, all the extra copies of the titles we carry in
quantity, the new Sidney Sheldon, the new Danielle
Steele, tha Stephan King and the Dean Koontz, the Masvs
Binchy and the Rush Limbaugh and the Big New Diet
Book and the Big New Investment Book Whet a lot of
crap And I think I even M y that out loud but I ’m not
sure It s not es tf Laura or Yern notice me or
anything So I shift to a little hand-held camera and
take it out onto the flo o r, then set up a big camera on
runners and push It down the center of the store,
bookcase after bookcase on either side of tha frame
falling to the way as I push on I think a good song for
♦he soundtrack here would be that Eric Clapton one,
'Layla,* tha piano aolo at tha end of it anyway, but than
a customer waylays me and I can no longer maintain my
directorial stance
He asks me If we c a rry the new Herman Melville
novel
I tall him I wasn't aware of a new Harman M elville
novel
He tells me he saw it at Food Mart
I tel, him Herman Melville's been dead for at least a
century
He looks at me like I'm crazy
I suggest the possibility that he s thinking of a
different author
Now there's thts bar we often go to, those of us who
are pals on the staff, and that is most of us, and Laura
too, she and I have been close friends for »m e time
here at J Johnson's Booksellers Often I go to this bar
after work It's an easy bar to get to It's right outside
the north entrance of the mall, just across the street
Laure and I have often had drinks there We used to be
very good friends, back before we
got involved The bar has big. plate glass windows
and you can sit at the bar and stare into the m irro r
behind it and watch the passersby out on the street
The bar Is called Mr Lucky's As I say, Mr Lucky's Is
right outside tha m all, outside across the street, end
Laura and I have been there often in the years we have
worked together I understand it is snowing outside the
mall, out there where the bar is and the cars and the
telephone poles That Is what a customer tells me I
stand there and watch Laura leave the mall but she does
not turn right, she turns left To the right is the
direction of the lot she always parks In To the left,
however, is the way to the mall exit leading to Mr
Lucky's And that is the way she is heading In the
direction of the bar Have I mode that clear7
I stand behind the register waiting until six o clock
At six o clock my replacement arrives and I go in the
back and get my coat and scarf and find my gloves Then
I go out into the malt It is quiet, » quiet now that
Christmas is over The din In here hod been incredible
scarcely a month ago, but now a little muzak plays, a
little night muzak, a bittersweet love »n g we all know
I walk quickly through the mall to the moll exit and
stand on the street corner across the wey from Mr
Lucky's where Laura and Yern sit locked over a drink
In their beginning Is our end, that much I know, and I
just stand there wondering what to do, make a scene,
toss off a tantrum or two7 The snow falls out of the
dull gray sky onto the derk dull pavement where the
cars whiz by
The snow is the most beautiful thing here, the most
beautiful thing I have seen in a long time, at least since
that single time I saw the sunshine make an artistic
statement on the smooth round form of Laura Clarke as
she lay on my bed But that is a long time ago already
It really ts gone, and the snow makes a poor substitute
(Ttu * i* ih» conciano« ot The Fascination of L t o n C lark* by B ill C lam *
Part 0<w can b* toand in
the Jane irta » of the Upper Left Edge and i t available at Jopiter * Bare t Uaed Book* ia Cannon
Beach, Ore Box 1222 t ip 97110 <50 J M 3 * -2 9 1 5