when wa need it, what s the big deal, but the thing is when it comas to Laura I know what the big deal la, I've worked with her for almost two gears now, I ought to know Her priorities are all fucked, that's what the big dee, ia Really She s completely focused on saving time on nitty little things, so focused that the big things get completely away from har Lika her DIM Did I tall you about har DIM7 That's Driving Under tha Influence In this state, don't know what it's called where you are, Ib e I a s c ia a tis a a l la a r a C larke By Bin Clrrte P «-t 2 But w a re in the back room at the bookstore, e relatively unimportant place, dealing as it does tn books, which depend as we know on the increasingly Irrelevan t medium of the printed word I have just taken the trash out, an object lesson In how Irrelevant the printed word is My trash load consisted of eight boxes of stripped books which I dumped tn the compactor tn the underbelly of this glass and-steel Northeast Portland shopping melt Eight boxes of books, their covers stripped off and sent back to the publishers for credit Eight boxes, each containing some two hundred paperbacks, most of them garbage in content as well as tn fact, to be sure, romances end westerns end mysteries end elf sagas, predictable, formulate stories, the worst of the worst, so slovenly w ritten for the most part they don't even meet the depressed standards of category Action But tome of these books ere good books Good books get thrown ewey It happens We over-order here at J Johnson Booksellers We get more books than we can sell It's Just the way of the corporate world Better to have too much then not enough, fe ttfr t$ drive 1 h « f p g lfi The book can always be stripped out, only its cover returned so everybody saves on freight, the publisher gives the corporation full credit - - this »>, after ell the largest bookstore chain tn the country, and what publisher ts going to piss off the single largest outlet for tte warae? We throw out some fifty cubic feat of books per week This ts not an atypical store, nor Is that an atypical figure M ultiply fifty cubic feet by the number of stores tn the chain and you come up with better than 5 0 ,0 0 0 cubic feet of books thrown away weekly by J Johnson Bookaallera Continue multiplying - - go ahead I arrive at 2 4 million cubic feet of books tossed out every year by this corporation How many trees died for these lonesome tomes? That stultifying question remains lodged tn my head as I sit in the back room eating my lunch, a cheese sandwich, and listening without wanting to listen to Laura and Yern They understand the relative unimportance of books They're not talking books at a ll, they re talking P -a n d -L , and grosses and nets, and plans and budgets I w ill try to describe them here I'm hoping if I can describe Laura Clarke with her clothes on I can keep eway from that unsatisfactory and admtttedly somewhat adolescent reason why I e v e r, ever, for God's sake, got Involved with the women Yern firs t Whoo Respite Earlier we noted Yern's permanent residence in the 1970a His hair is feathered and blown back Hts collars are too big Ha s a wide, slope-shouldered, bodybuilder-used car salesman typa with t husky voice always on the verge of cracktnQ, a voice that sounds as though it s been permanently altered by excess steroid use He's talking In a language I don't know I really can't do it Justice here In the back room of J Johnson's because It's In a language I really don't know It's puffed out with acronyms and pat phraaaa Ilka PMA and Romancing the Product, and It Is this last one that clues me in , fin ally, because I know that's whet he's doing as he skins back his lips and points his pearly whites in Laura's direction He's Romancing hts Product right here ,n the back room, and his product Is what every salesman's product ultimately ts, nothing but himself, the snake, thts married man, hitting on the woman I've bean involved with for at least a few weeks now, with no more concern for my presence than If I had been a speck of flyshtt I must admit It annoyed me, Yern flirtin g with Laura right tn front of me I don't really like admitting though on what level It did annoy me, a very primal and masculine level That’s what I'm living tn fear about here, that is what makes it so hard to put pen to paper and honestly express my experience, because If I'm honest. If I tru th fu lly tall you what It was that grabbed me about Laura Clarke so far back in the mist of narrative, some ten days ago a leat, what 1t was that propelled me toward her, then I know I w ill lose a certain number of you I know I w ill be judged I hate this I'd like to end It right here, but I can't Standard narrative might ba suspect these days, but still There Is an aesthetic one ought to observe One really can't stop things just because it's getting a bit touchy It's a simple matter of self-respect The thing ts, I just wish I had never let myself get involved with Laura Clarke I don't think it would be possible for two people who are more incompatible to have gotten together, much less to have been together for as long as we have, which is at least a week now Like the other day I take some trash into the back room and when I come back she asks me why I didn't b n ng tha handtruck with ma and I just tall har It's because I didn’t bring the handtruck with me And she says, But we re going to be moving those bargain books off that table and w a ll need the handtruck and I say, Yeah, but we won t be moving those bargain books until after the noon crowd clears out, which won't be for another half-hour yet And she says. Yeah, but w a ll Just have to go and get the handtruck then and that s so inefficient (one of har favorite w ords), wa could have saved a trip 40 I And I say, Christ, 111 get the handtruck LtfT EDGE. TULY IW and boy has it been an inefficient experience for Laura Clarke She caught tha attention of tha police one night with her sloppy driving, and what was causing that sloppy driving7 She was eating a Taco Ball burrito and trying not to get hot sauce on her blouse, causing her to weave between lanes I've told her a down times she shouldn't eat and drive and what has the always said? "I'm a busy person,* she's always said, *1 have to eat on the run It's more efficient ' Yeah, It's cost her $ 2 ,5 0 0 and counting so fa r , that's how efficient it's been And her past involvements, three In a row, bam bam-bam, married men, all of them who together maraged to gang break her heart The thing la, she a a loon, see, a definite loon, I know that, I could go on and on hare for pages and pages, veritable reams, about tha strange and screved-up ways of Laura Clarke, really. I have that much material, but I think you get the d rift I think you know the score on Laura now And I have to wonder just what, pray tell, you w ill think of me when I tell you I believe I'm falling in love with her7 But I must describe Laura now, and I find that in my thought of her I can really only think of one thing about her, the reason I wanted to touch her and hold her that night after work some several days ago Momentous life decisions sometimes hinge on pure animal desires How frightening that is 1 I wanted to make love to Laura Clarke because Dum-de-dum Because of her breasts, that s all there ts to It 3he has Incredible breasts There This is sc embarrassing I mean to say it s not embarrassing that we re attracted to each other sometimes, probably even most of the time, on the basis of overt sexual characteristics, that's a given, but still My fascination with Laura Clarke s cleavage embarrasses me here because I can now he justly accused of objectifying women I mean I understand to an extent I suppose the problems feminists have with white male literature that objectifies and degradas women I mean I understand It I guess as much as a white male ran I guess I'm qualifying the hell out of all this, I know that But I'm just saying Im ju s t trying to be honest here And l heve to admit that the finger of judgment can be fa irly pointed at me because I consider Laura an object of physical desire solely on the basis of her incredible breasts It was her breasts that made me want to make love to her, end it wae her breasts thet led me to those other things about her I found I could fall in love w ith, like her mouth, and her lipa, and the way she ueas har mouth and har lipa I lève her mouth and her lips as well as her breasts now And the way she strokes herself when I lick her breasts, and the noises she mokes when we re making love See how one thl ng leads to another7 You start by pointing your camera on a gala tita and tha next thing you know you're reducing a human being to sat of Matisse curves and a couple orifices Like I say. It's embarrassing, but still I cannot deny my reality But I suppose I could at least apologize for it I ’m sorry Ha M ys, Lika w ho7 I tell him h ell have to give me something more to work with before I could hazard a guess, »m et hi ng more than "Two words »unde like Harman M elville ' He says, they re suspense-thriller kinds of books, really popular 'Nelson DeMille?" I guess Bingo His eyes light up Buzzers and bells go oft I take him to the book and he follows ma to tha register end I w l, it to him Immediately behind turn in line ta a vary old woman with a lost expression 'Excuse me,’ she says She speaks very slowly "There's this new book on Alzheimer s Disease but I cant remember the name of It ' I wait, not quite knowing whet to tell her "And I can't remember the author ,* she adds I tell her I don't recall seel ng a new Alzhet mer s book but I taka her to the section where it would be if we had it and wa talk for a bit but then I have to get back up front On the way I'm accosted by a customer of tru ly gargantuan proportions She is pouring out of tha romance section, blocking my path to the front Her hair is stringy and patches are missing from the top of her lead Tender pink scalp shows through, almost the color of the splotches on her round pie face *l'm looking for this book,* she Mys She has a grevelly voice "I can't find it ’ I ask her the title T u f lt lk i K iw es.* she Mys, *by Janet Smith * I tell her 111 try to order it in for her and scamper my way past her quickly to the front to check the microfiche to see which of our distributors might carry It She follows me up, other customers bolting to Mfety at her advance, and when she is maybe ten feet from me she bellows out, "That a Cupcake Kisses, a romance novel * And work continues on like that for awhile, and I'm wondering how long Laura and Yern are going to talk in the back while I handle tha front alone I could always buzz for help but It never does get quite busy enough to demand this measure, and enough time elapses anyway that it is 5 3 0 , time for Laura to leave, and Brgan arrives from the back, her replacement, and I say to him, *Ara Laura and Yern still back there7 * He nods, and finally Yern comes up and leaves and I am unaccountable relieved, or maybe It is accountable To lose Laura? To Yarn? A death merchant like Yarn? and I guess I momentarily forget that Laura is something of the death merchant as well Laura finally comes out of the back room about a quarter to six "Hey,* I say She nods 'Look,* I say, getting tier off alone momenterily in the Horror section “You re comt ng over tonight ?* She begs off, automatic excuses of laundry and hair care oozing out of her mouth My heart pounds as I watch Laura then, a display of Anne Rice novels framing her Medusa heir - have I told you anything about her Medusa hair? Or her » f t blue eyes? She is bundled up, it is w in te r, did I mention that7 When all this Is over, w ill you have a m o m of how tha weather was7 Wel, it's been cold It's been cold for a long time If we had lakes around here they would be frozen, and if you were going to fish m those lakes you would need an ice axe to get at those fishes lurking underneath That Is how the weather has been Laura leaves then and I stare at her as she walks out into the mail It's only been a couple of days, actually It happened only once, and it happened after we got very drunk It happened only once but I was hoping more than anything that it would happen aoatn I'm so rry. I m sorry, I m sorry So I'm In the back room staring at Laura's breasts while trying not to stare at her breasts - - it's a very Zen thing - - and It's tough not to be overt about It , she's wearing such a low-cut top and a ll, the same top she wore some four or five days ago when, after several drinks at the bar around the corner we came back here because she hod forgotten her cellular phone and I hod grabbed at her, that night we had gotten involved She a wearing the low-cut top even though It's w in ter, and cold in our back room, and aha'a loaning forward a bit from where she is perched on a low stack of boxes, staring up at Yern They're egging each other on with their Mias talk and I'm sitting hare on the other side of the room wolfing my cheese sandwich, shifting my camera eye from Laura to Yern to all the books we have back here, all the extra copies of the titles we carry in quantity, the new Sidney Sheldon, the new Danielle Steele, tha Stephan King and the Dean Koontz, the Masvs Binchy and the Rush Limbaugh and the Big New Diet Book and the Big New Investment Book Whet a lot of crap And I think I even M y that out loud but I ’m not sure It s not es tf Laura or Yern notice me or anything So I shift to a little hand-held camera and take it out onto the flo o r, then set up a big camera on runners and push It down the center of the store, bookcase after bookcase on either side of tha frame falling to the way as I push on I think a good song for ♦he soundtrack here would be that Eric Clapton one, 'Layla,* tha piano aolo at tha end of it anyway, but than a customer waylays me and I can no longer maintain my directorial stance He asks me If we c a rry the new Herman Melville novel I tall him I wasn't aware of a new Harman M elville novel He tells me he saw it at Food Mart I tel, him Herman Melville's been dead for at least a century He looks at me like I'm crazy I suggest the possibility that he s thinking of a different author Now there's thts bar we often go to, those of us who are pals on the staff, and that is most of us, and Laura too, she and I have been close friends for »m e time here at J Johnson's Booksellers Often I go to this bar after work It's an easy bar to get to It's right outside the north entrance of the mall, just across the street Laure and I have often had drinks there We used to be very good friends, back before we got involved The bar has big. plate glass windows and you can sit at the bar and stare into the m irro r behind it and watch the passersby out on the street The bar Is called Mr Lucky's As I say, Mr Lucky's Is right outside tha m all, outside across the street, end Laura and I have been there often in the years we have worked together I understand it is snowing outside the mall, out there where the bar is and the cars and the telephone poles That Is what a customer tells me I stand there and watch Laura leave the mall but she does not turn right, she turns left To the right is the direction of the lot she always parks In To the left, however, is the way to the mall exit leading to Mr Lucky's And that is the way she is heading In the direction of the bar Have I mode that clear7 I stand behind the register waiting until six o clock At six o clock my replacement arrives and I go in the back and get my coat and scarf and find my gloves Then I go out into the malt It is quiet, » quiet now that Christmas is over The din In here hod been incredible scarcely a month ago, but now a little muzak plays, a little night muzak, a bittersweet love »n g we all know I walk quickly through the mall to the moll exit and stand on the street corner across the wey from Mr Lucky's where Laura and Yern sit locked over a drink In their beginning Is our end, that much I know, and I just stand there wondering what to do, make a scene, toss off a tantrum or two7 The snow falls out of the dull gray sky onto the derk dull pavement where the cars whiz by The snow is the most beautiful thing here, the most beautiful thing I have seen in a long time, at least since that single time I saw the sunshine make an artistic statement on the smooth round form of Laura Clarke as she lay on my bed But that is a long time ago already It really ts gone, and the snow makes a poor substitute (Ttu * i* ih» conciano« ot The Fascination of L t o n C lark* by B ill C lam * Part 0