Dear Uocle Mike
R5K
UNCLE
MIKE
HELIOTROPE
NATURAL FOODS
H ire d Bonehead Merkle
2 ) E rn ie 1 nm h ardi
"Salem's Widest Variety
of Natural Foods"
2060 M a rk e t Street N l
Mon I n
• Salem. O R 97301
tym, Sat
My aunt and uncle whom I h a rd ly know are
celebrating th e ir V lth wedding a n n iv e rs a ry nest
month They live an hour s drive away and our
re la tio n sh ip is lim ite d U» Christmas and b irth la v
cards The few times I ve seen them as an adult
they ve been aloof to both me and ray husband
Are we obliged to go7 Do we have to take a g i f t 7
Mv husband say we should but I sav w hv be
p h o n y 7 What do you t h in k 7
Mary R Portland
3) B illy Buckner
4) 1 yman Rostock
M a) Harmon Killebrew
b) Zoiio Veralles
• 36254X 7
6 )Chuck Klein
7pm. Sun 1 lam bpm
custom designing
quality handmade teuelry
Dear Mary
The fir s t th in g you should do is stop lo n tu s m g
Uncle Mike w ith Ann l anders At the risk of
s ta rtlin g you M ary there are real problems in the
w orld to say n o th in g of in te re s tin g questions To
say yo u r concerns fa ll short of the mark is to
h ila rio u s ly understate the case This said we press
on
Should you honor yo u r aunt and uncle on th e ir
SOth wedding a n n iv e rs a ry 7 To answer th is Uncle
Mike must fir s t know if you were raised bv
weasels I f not your dilemma disappears Uncle
Mike refuses even to discuss w h e th e r you should
b rin g a g ift
Ä m t e r « ta th is M onth s Quia
SANDPIPI H SQUAKl
UPSTAIRS
r o K- « i i •
hristiu.i Stanley R N , IIX 11
Muddy Wsrias C o lin Co.
I .Kt.itton Consultant
Breast Feeding Assistance
1«M lui Street Suite I
Tillamook Oregon 9* 141
SOI • M .’ !*»)
M c d c l.i Breast Bump
7 ^
R ental S t.itum
Dear Uncle Mike
I l l M I DASH)
I ve got a guy problem You re a guv so maybe
you can help 1 m 28. single and have a great
b o y frie n d N either of us has much money but
every lim e we go out Peter insists on paying Its
not some lame paternal trip In every other way
he treats me like an equal He even let me push
the car once when the battery was dead Why can t
I pick up a beer tab7 Any ideas'
OR 97110
t 501)4 it' 0161
S EC O N D HAN d Ì
A N T IQ U E S
JU N K
J ill W L in co ln City
im n s flH is
Dear Jill.
Uncle Mike s fir s t idea is that you and he should
d rin k beer soon Uncle Mike s second idea is that
you m ig h t be confusing cash flow w ith seiual
p o litics This can be a nasty mistake
Uncle Mike loves to hear o f young swains
bearing g ifts of food e n te rta in m e n t and beer to
the women they love As long as they don t
im agine they re b u yin g or leasing som ething it is
when you stop to th in k about it a nice th in g for
them to do What true frie n d would discourage acts
o f g e n e ro sity7
Uncle Mike applauds your sense ot fairness and
recognizes the im portance of yo u r pa rtn e r
le a rn in g to recieve beer as w ell as give it But as
anyone m the b a rter economy o r a sucessful
re la tio n s h ip w ill te ll you g iv in g lakes many
form s Judging from what you cite as the o n ly
problem in the re la tio n sh ip Uncle Mike would bet
that you give as much as you get
perhaps
w ith o u t know in g Men are fu n n y If yours wants
to pick up the check practice yo u r thank yous
Pick the r ig h t moment look him in the eye and
te ll him how glad you are he s yo u r frie n d
Dear Uncle Mike
t9 1 0 2 n d
Joyce L C o c h ra n . M S I
ACS I
•
Tillamook
•
042 2299 Wed Mon 11 5
I
PSTCHOTHEIAPIST
J a a p ta a a rte a ie tl Depth
P*Tcbalagy Approach la m u a s a f
G rautb T raasm aa S p iritu a lity.
t a ! Geadar
m u ry anne
r. h h n. i< h t-i h e rs h e y
For information call (5031 398-5631
C a n n o n Ih u irli lÆ A tlior
Thia
f i n e I» « I t ie r G a r t n r n li
• m l AoetwBorfe«
P O Boa 116
239 N Hemlock
Cannon Reach. OH 971,0
Sandra L Love( 503)4 36 0206
Two Poems by Robert Cohen
The C ritical Theory of Mr. Cat
A woman needs a man. like a Tiih needs a
bicycle
will gjnore
the stories
written by cave (ire
These poems are from M r Cogito
vol X no 2 (used w ith perm ission ) a
publication fe a tu rin g o rig in a l poetry
tra n slatio ns and lin e draw ings
Submissions and subscriptions should
be sent to John M Gogol PO Boi 66124
Portland Or 97290 IJ9 fo r 3 issues)
(submissions should include a SASE)
Dear Donna
" H r d id n 't «ay 'al d e n le . ' d id k r ’ ”
DON PETRIE’S
ITALIAN FOOD COMPANY
613NW Third 265 FOOD
Nye Beach. Newport
________________________ I
Mr Cat dtdrn come horno last nynt
or the night tiufore I know •• anarchists
believe n autonomy and I, .tfKtractly.
believe m anything at a« But Mr
Cat 8 more than an abstraction
he's family, and (.unify moves me
to fear for the fraily
of fealty to belief
It's an .itrioofotir.ai work!.
every event an exception
of the will io order experience
into faith
on the normal curve of nature and history
and I loo an outtyer leave the door
open in case I have been deceived
Mr. C at Gets Vetted
Rosetta Hurley
nNwentToe
r u t s SAT I I AM
» PM
OH HV APPOMTW HT
is o n » s « a n
too loth S t
Attorta. OH 97101
John M
will say
your name
is iHX your name
Gogol
BIRD BOY
(for Danny)
Love 8 an outtyer
Persona
Vintage Clothing
P e o p le
will ttgl you
tt»e salmon
can never return
Uriah's SI. Diablo Jollies
My problem is my husband A lte r 16 years of
m arriage suddenly he wants to spend lim e w ith
the boys P laying poker shooting pool and
d rin k in g beer He says he deserves it I say his
place is home w ith his fa m ily We have a 13 year
old daughter Being a man you II probably take
his side
DonnaT M c M in n v ille
Perhaps w ith o u t m eaning to you ve h u rt Uncle
Mike s feelings Being nea rly seven in dog years
Uncle Mike has seen enough of both seies to
shatter w hatever loyalties or biases he m ig h t have
suffered as a youth He would do v o lu n te e r work
fo r the OCA before siding against anyone on the
basis of gender even you Sadly at least in your
case the sword o f fairness cuts both ways
Your problem stems from yo u r being a neurotic
co n tro l freak getting even w ith the universe fo r
not g iv in g you a life Rather than c o n fro n t your
own tawdry insecurities and grudges you choose
to make yo u r husband s life as miseahle as vour
own by w hat amounts to g ro u n d in g him Such
spousal abuse has n o th in g to do w ith gender The
w o rld is fille d w ith men stupid enough to believe
a ll the little woman needs is them the kids and the
big screen
Let the poor w retch out to play What s the worst
that can ha p p e n 7 He has f u n 7 From the sound of
th in g s you could use a n ig h t out yo u rse lf Why
not go to your m other s and w h in e about th in g s
Tell y o u r husband Uncle Mike advises he e ith e r
d rin k beer or shoot pool The o n ly sig ht more
pathetic than a pool player w ith im pared vision is
a poker player d ru n k enough to raise on a pair
I « I ' . J ’ u i - I J isl.ul S
Posi t Ml AC ItttX Hfrrt
< .HUHKI IW'.» t | t >r U7UO
- i: • I |
u r n ng the public in te r the la it 90 i
Mr Cat came back with two thrxjs m&smg
artl i too am at a kjss -
tor legitimizing concepts and just causes
We sit by the place where the »»eplace
would tie if we had any hre,
and as he rambles in (team
reviewing the orbit of ambitious youth.
I cast (or w<xds that would make the world over
and whisper consolations »or us both
My Indian boy watcfios the goose,
the swans the cranes the herons
fly overhead oach spring, every fa«
turns hi» ear skyward and gels depressed,
longs to pm them
A strange boy.
ho mitates the birds
afways whstlmg.
always trying to take off
with happing of wings
Spring after spring.
tall after tall,
he st&ins skyward
and he arms ache with dusre
He fV<xs h« arms.
swinging in desperation
as if the world wore coming to an end,
til that final morning, when
w<h no human word of farewuff
only the whatle of outstretched wings,
with the help ot a Smith A Wesson 38
he rides a fast fierce bullet
gliding effortlessly through the sky
trying to catcti the last flock
flying north in the spring migration,
heading home
urrtR. lift m t rim irç}