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Illinois Valley News, Cave Junction, OR Wednesday, May 26, 2004
This is the week that I was going to recall my ad-
ventures as a Privileged Person working in the snack
bar during my high school junior and senior years.
But another topic rose to the fore, or maybe even five.
It is all the stuff that appears on our screens after
watching movies.
Do all of you sit patiently and read it? We do
sometimes. The beginning titles always amuse me
too. But first we must endure the dread warnings from
the FBI, CIA, IRS, UPS and NASA about the possi-
bility of being sent to the Tijuana Jail and being fined
$500,000 if we even think about somehow misusing
the movie.
However, about those beginning credits. They go
something like this.
Buena Tortilla Films, in cooperation with Goliath
Jr. Movies, in conjunction with Who’s Your Daddy?
Productions, working with Dang Crampy Inc. in a
joint venture with Buncha Moola Co. and Crapola En-
tertainment, present: “Squashed Bug Love.”
Based on the Boris X. Borscht novel, adapted by
Marilyn Mazola from the stage play by Samuel
Shagnasty. With special appreciation to Roget The-
saurus and the Anti-Plagiarism League.
Then at the end of flick, it appears that half the
population of the United States had a hand in its pro-
duction. Sometimes the ending credits are longer than
the movie. In abbreviated form here, they look some-
thing like this:
Capt. Humphrey Anchorcranker, played by
Moonpie Luna-Nut II
First Mate Mr. Accent de Brit,
Played by Sir Horatio Fogbottom
Second Mate Mr. Gibberish-Reginald Sayewhatt
Fat Man-Paunchy Villa
Cabin Boy-Ronald Sequins
Squeeze Box Musician-Johnny Dripp
The Crew was played by various people, none of
whose names you would recognize, and who most
likely will never be seen in any other movie.
Key Grip: (What?) Ralph Acrophobia
Second Grip: Frank Hangtough. Third Grip:
Armando Stickup. Get a Grip: Susan Shortskirt.
Lost Their Grip: David Doofus, Manuel Labor
Best Boy-Slim Ennone. Bad Boy-A.R. Klink
Stunts: Arnold Fisticuffs, Danny the Gimp, Mr.
Harold, Darlene Bruiser, Johnny NoToes, Laura
Bonemarrow, Danny “Curad” Strongsmell
Punts: Joan Agony, Jerry Falala, Curley Kickem
Grunts: Fess Upp, Angela DeHeaven,
Mac Marmoset, Whipp Lash
Costuming: Emmett Kelly III, Creepy Gonzalez
Casting: Freaks & Geeks Ltd.
Carpenter: Doug Fir. Stand-by Carpenter: Red
Wood. Painter: Slosh Scarlet
MD: Franklin Paine. Payroll Master: Dewey
Cheatem. Accountant: Ace Slippery
Transportation: Honest Harry’s Taxi &
Fish-Gutting Service
Catering: Gerald’s Taco Emporium, Wieners R
Us, Willie’s Kool-Aid Stand
Special thanks to Lisa’s Mobile Wine Service,
Stephanie’s Peanut Farm, Jolt-‘Em Coffee Bar, Ed’s
Cheap Suits, Frank’s Towing & Yogurt Bar.
And with deep appreciation to the town of De-
pression, Texas; Mayor Frank Finkmaster, Deputy
Horatio Badgenut; Donna’s Tequila Palace; The Tyle-
nol Emergency Response Team; Dr. Pepper, and
Chuey’s Menudo Shack.
Dedicated to Johnny X and the Boys
Illinois Valley News
An Independent Weekly Newspaper Co-owned and
published by Robert R. (Bob) and Jan Rodriguez
Bob Rodriguez, Editor El Jefe
(Editor’s Note: Views and
commentary expressed in let-
ters to the editor are strictly
those of the letter-writers.
* * *
Typed, double-spaced
letters are acceptable for con-
sideration. Handwritten letters
that are double-spaced and
highly legible also can be con-
sidered for publication.
Cards of thanks are not
accepted as letters.)
* * *
Military pride
From Shannon Sanford
Stockton, Calif.
(Editors Note: Sanford’s
son, Tom Jansson, a 2002
Illinois Valley High School
graduate, is serving in the
U.S. Navy aboard the USS
“San Francisco” [SSN 711]
a fast-attack submarine.
She is on an information e-
mail list regarding her son’s
ship. She doesn’t have a
spouse in the service, but
wants to share the following
letter to a military spouse.
It reads, in part:)
While I have never had
the pleasure of meeting
you or your husband, I felt
the need to write you and
express a deep feeling in
my heart. I am not brave. I
do not tackle things head-
on, as I hate confrontation.
I will travel 100 miles
out of my way to avoid a
conflict. I am an American
woman with no idea what
is going on in the military,
other than what I hear on
the news. I have never had
to let go of someone so
that they could fight for
people that they didn’t
know, people that some-
times do not appreciate or
understand what they are
fighting for.
I have never had a
sleepless night of worry
because of a report that
another bomb has ex-
ploded, and I still haven't
heard from my husband. I
have never had to wait for
months on end to hold the
one that I loved so.
I have never had to tell
my children that daddy
wasn’t coming home to-
night because he was so far
away fighting for some-
thing that they aren’t yet
News, Classified & Display Ads,
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POLICY ON LETTERS: ‘Illinois Valley News’ welcomes letters to
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verify authenticity. The ‘News’ reserves the right to edit letters.
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SUBSCRIPTION RATES
One year in Josephine County - $20.80
One year in Jackson and Douglas Counties - $24.40
One year in all other Oregon counties
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POSTMASTER: Please send address changes to
P.O. Box 1370, Cave Junction, OR. 97523
American Legion Auxiliary
Glenn Morrison Unit 70
From Ellie Buell
Cave Junction
The nearly one million
members of the American
Legion Auxiliary, the
world’s largest patriotic
service organization of
women, are asking every
elected and appointed offi-
cial at the local, state, and
national level to wear a
poppy on the observance
of Memorial Day, Mon-
day, May 31.
We ask that they be
worn in honor of the mil-
lions of Americans who
have willingly served and
who are currently serving
our nation, all too many of
whom have made the ulti-
mate sacrifice.
We need your help to
increase awareness about
the memorial poppy and
what it represents; a sym-
bol of the price of war and
the sacrifice of millions.
The poppy also honors
the hospitalized and dis-
abled veterans who make
these red hand-crafted
flowers. The poppy contin-
ues to provide a financial
and therapeutic benefit to
those veterans who con-
struct them, as well as
benefiting thousands of
other veterans and their
families by the revenues
collected from poppy dis-
tribution.
Music by “Southern
Oregon Blues Band” will
be played at Shop Smart
Food Warehouse on Satur-
day, May 29.
The music will begin
at noon and last for ap-
proximately two hours.
Singing Loom
presents
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Volume 66, No. 10
DEADLINES:
You are a special lady,
a wonderful partner and a
glorious American. I have
more respect for your hus-
band than I could ever tell
you, but until recently I
never thought much about
those the soldier leaves at
home during deployments.
Because of you and
your family, I can awake
to a new day, everyday. I
realize that you are a
stronger person than I will
ever be because of these
things and I just wanted to
take the time today to say
thank you to you and your
family for allowing me
that freedom. I will never
be able to repay this debt
to you, as it is unmatch-
able. May God bless you.
‘S.O. Blues’ at
Shop Smart
Saturday
Entered as second class matter June 11, 1937 at Post
Office as Official Newspaper for Josephine County and
Josephine County Three Rivers School District, published
at 321 S. Redwood Hwy., Cave Junction, OR 97523
Periodicals postage paid at Cave Junction, OR 97523
Post Office Box 1370 USPS 258-820
Telephone (541) 592-2541, FAX (541) 592-4330
Staff: Cindy Newton, Chris Robertson,
Michelle Binker, Shane Welsh,
Becky Loudon & Kacy Clement
Member: Oregon Newspaper Publishers Association
old enough to understand.
I have never had to
hold my head high and
suppress the tears as I hear
that it will be at least an-
other six months of separa-
tion before my loved one
gets to come home. I have
never had to deal with a
holiday away from the one
that I thought I would
share every day of my life
with.
And I have never had
to feel the panic rising in
my heart at the sound of a
ringing phone or knock at
the door for fear that it is
the news that everyone is
terrified of getting.
For the reasons listed
above, I cannot tell you
that I understand how you
feel. I cannot tell you that
you must be strong. I can-
not say that you shouldn’t
be angry, because you
“knew what you were get-
ting into when you married
a military man.” I cannot
say these things because I
have never had to walk in
your shoes.
What I can say for cer-
tain is that because of your
unselfish acts of bravery
and your husband’s will-
ingness to stand up for
those who see him as “just
another soldier” — I ex-
pected to uphold a certain
amount of control, but I
never understood how you
could do it, until now. I
have figured out that you
are not like other women.
You are a special
breed. You have a strength
within you that holds life
together in the darkest of
hours, a strength of which
I will never possess. The
faith you have is what
makes you stand out in a
crowd; it makes you glow
with emotion and swell
with pride at the mention
of the United States of
America.
The downtown
Cave Junction
community room
at
A Creative Space
Room rental by the hour
or by the day.
A gracious space in a
central location for
your meeting,
workshop, seminar,
tea party, yoga, film,
music, poetry reading, etc…
119 1/2 S. Redwood Hwy.
592-6484
The opening date of a
new restaurant,
The Strip, at Illinois
Valley Airport, has been
revised to June 20 from
the originally planned
date of June 1,
according to co-owner
Joy Taylor.
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