Wednesday, Oct. 31,2012
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www.TheCIackamasPr i nt.com
Clackamas Community College, Oregon City, OR
K
An independent, student run newspaper since 1966
Brain binge at
Brain Bowl
AnnaAxelson
& Joshua Dillen
Co Editors in Chief
Today’s edition o f The
Clackamas Print makes it obvi
ous something horribly inexpli
cable has infected fee pages o f
this weekly publication Print
staff have reported events feat
may never be fully understood.
The chaos started at a seemingly
harmless journalism retreat in
fee rugged wilderness that is
south o f Milwaukie. Ore.
While fee details are still
vague, it seems pod people may
have taken control of the Print
staff, ultimately controlling these
•pages in a premeditated con
spiracy. The invasion o f each
and every' section has subjected
our readers to information typi
cally not meant for theft eyes or
We were on edge.
Around I arn on Oct 21. we
noticed some strange happenings
as fee night grew old.
Self reversing paintings, rot
ten smells, sounds from non-exis
tent. creepy stairs and a groaning
furnace combined wife general
uneasiness had us checking the
locks on fee doors
Around 3 a.m., fee paintings had
returned to their original placement.
Ad Manager Caylee Miller, being
fee only one in fee room before we
discovered this, responded to our
stunned inquiries wife a fiendish
grin and a (fork laugh that left us all
unsettled as she murmured a good
night As fee early morning hour
ticked away .and silence conMfeed
our surrounds, case did not come.
W ife hesitation every ope parted
ways and slid alone anti paranoid
into their bunks. We Co-Oriel's
triple checked the locks on fee .win
dows and doors.
.After arriving at the Print lab
on Monday, it was o b v io ifl||b had
even reality.
On Oct. 20 there was a dis entered fee“Tw ilightZoiie?,Theiirsl
turbance in the air, a stale afte'r- indication was fee arrival o f
. thought ,oTsoxuethJngthat..oiice Pioduction Manager James J^Linc.ui
Wdij, W?
noticed it imme- ¡ ,at the Print lab on tune and pie-
diately upon settling in to our pared. This was unprecedented, ..
By Wetl. Oct. 24. News Editor.
accommodations at the newly
renovated Bate's Lodge on fee Felicia Skriver confused her writers
with multiple references to brains as
river.
‘T he door off fee kitchen we assigned stories for the issue you
leads to creepy stairs down to fee hold within your hands.
“in this political climate and
furnace.” said Editor Brittany
Bell. ‘‘There's something down wife fee brains we have on the table,
we really have to use our brains,”
there, I just know it."
I lowever when others opened said Skriver. “and. damn it. do some
brainstorming and give me some
fee door, it led to nowhere.
“1 don’t know what she’s good campaign brains er. news."
Her words werequickly drowned
talking about," said Adviser
Melissa Jones. “Everyone really out by a chorus of giowlmg stom
needs to lay off the coffee." achs that had us all exchanging
Oblivious. Jones abandoned us worried looks.
By Friday, we were getting not
and went home to fee warmth
only weird -reports o f sightings
and security o f her family.
aiound campus, disturbances
that couldn’t be explained, but
multiple members of the Print
staff were beginning to look
worse for wear,
Editoi Chris Taylor, who has
the habit of bringing his lunch to
class, arrived with a raw steak
in hand.
“Eh. it’s what I was cra\ ing
lor some reason,” he said before
digging in without the hindrance
o f cutlery'. Even we can't say we
went unaffected.
“Precious, my Precious,"
muttered Joshua Dillen on
numerous
occasions
and
Anna Axelson was caught
in random Fits o f maniacal
laughter... Editor Steven Weldon
e \e p ,‘-began speaking with a
flawless Roi nanian accent.
As articles began flooding
in for ifcdiling. there was no lon-
ger a doubt feat something was
seriously wrong. F Yesterday,
production day, under strange
.¿tlBpulsion we were all obli
gated to put these stories on the
page, battling wife fee moral
Master masticators gather annually to^chetf the fat. Hctil o f Fame brain eater
Harold “Choppy” Clompazowski chomps at the start oflast yea r’s competition.
Andrew Millbrooke
1 1 Sports Editor
Before becoming alarmed at the
human bodies and souls lost in fee
102nd annual Medulla Oblongata
Bowl, remember that the only
humans to be used in the contest are
pulled from fee Lane Community’
College student population, reduc
ing the loss to society o f any future
and elbica^fjenpJicalion.', o f d o in g
great ¡thinkers, or solid citizens:
so as Shcti W ooley's
This celebrated brain eating con
test, set.to run this Friday is dubbed
fee longest Tunning full brain and
skull cracking contest west o f fee
Mississippi River.
. “We’re happy to be hosting all
o f fee festivities this year,” said
Oregon City head coach Bear
Patemo, who is entering his 40fe
year helming the Cerebellum
Slurpers. “We are in charge o f fee
parade and fireworks show that run
before and after the main event. We
can’t be happier wife fee support
from fee local community.”
The^ Oregon City’ Cerebellum
Slurpers have e aten ! brsuns on
the same level with fee Portland
Protoplasmics for the past few sea
"Purple
.People Eater” streamed in the
background over the speakers of
oui fabulous smart room
fear not dear readers, because
as fete issue was being sent to fee
printer and these words were
written, the side effects had
begun to fade, leas mg us dazed,
confused. Be assured that next
week, we all will have recovered
from our onleal and will be back
in fine lorm io serve our cher
ished readers with all your vital
CCC lteWS.
' ",
' ■
Until then. shhh... no one else
needs to know about this minor
indiscretion.
sons, but have not broken through
wife a victory in head to head
competition in this rivalry since
2002. Is this’ fee year feat the
Cerebellum Slurpers break through
tq. win the celebrated Medulla
Oblongata Bowl trophy, or will fee
Protoplasmics I take it down for an
lif e straight season as they seem
to. thrive when, fee competition is
toughest?
Let’s first discuss fee rules, sg^
that you know what is going to
happen w hen the
Friday afternoon. Each team has
five competitors that match up one
on one wife someone from fee
opposing team. Whoever eats fee
most brains out o f LCC student’s
bodies in.,onet minute wins the
round and gives its team a point.
The first team to three pointe
wins the game. That is why most
teams put their best brain eaters
in fee early matches To get quick
pointe and gain momentum.
Chopping up and then chewing
all o f fee brain bits and juices is fee
preferred method because then you-
can make sure and get every7 last
morsel.
Please see BRAINS, Page 4
Zombies swarm campus, college overrun
Emily Rask
Associate News Editor
They’v e arrived. The ones
we’ve, all been dreading ... zom
bies. Not only has Clackamas
Community College flipped upside
down, but students have been after
other students. Almost everyone'
still alive has now taken to hiding
in either the library in the Dye
Learning Center .or has gathered
in fee gymnasium in Randall Hall.
Most students were frightened
at first, but others have come rath
er prepared, such, as Co-Editor-
P IS C L A IM E R :
in-Chief o f The Clackamas Print,
Joshua Dillen. ¿He gathered the
entire Print staff together; all terri
fied for their lives, he led them to a
safe place near fee entrance Roger
Rook Hall. What he didn’t realize
however, is ¡that just around fee
comer five zombies were waiting
to attack.
Each zombie group had a lead
er; this group’s leader was News
Editor Felicia Skriver, who was
turned shortly after fee, first ones
hit CCC. She’s raging, never let-
ting Anything or anyone get in her
way. Her group consisted o f four
more zombies - all Print staff:
Andrew Millbrooke, Brian Steele,
MO
STAFF,
STURENTS,
Hannah Duckworth and myself,
Emily Rask.
The first to spot this group was
Melissa Jones, a frightened journal
ism teacher at CCC who was just
teaching a newspaper production
class when fee zombie apocalypse
began.
Before finding thezom bies she
was just walking around Roger
Rook tryingto find a place to hide
out, but just as she’ turned another
corner there they were, feasting
on what seemed to be fee remains
o f a now former CCC ' student
They immediately smelled her liv
in g human stench and looked up
straightaway.
HUMANS,
ANIMALS
Frozen from the shock o f what
she was witnessing, Jones stuttered
at fee thought o f what she would
have to do next.
Millbrooke looked up and ran
to w a rd Jo n es, hungry for some
more human flesh. Jones bolted the
other direction in hope o f finding a
room she could quickly lock herself
into, but only found fee elevator.
Hopping in, Jones quickly
pressed the button for the next floor
up and repeatedly smashed her fin
ger on fee “close door” button. Just
as’, fee doors were’ sliding closed,
Millbrooke got close enough to
reach his arm in the remaining gap:
and prevent them from closing.
Of?
FICTIONAL
CHARACTERS WERE HARMER IN THS CREATION OF THIS ISSUS OF
THE
CLACKAMAS PVIMT, ALL CONTENT CONTAINER WITHIN THESE PAGES IS FICTION.
WHILE SOM E ARTICLES MAY BE INSPIRER BY TRUE EVENTS ¿WHEN STATER,
WE LL LET YOU KNOW WHERE TO FINR THE REAL INFORMATION), ZO M B IES HAVE
NOT TAKEN OVER, ALIENS HAVE NOT INVARER, GHOSTS ÀNR GHOULS HAVE NOT
CROSSER OVER.
ŸOM
A (? £ S A F B /
t h a n k s / - t h è p r in t s t a ff
From there on, Millbrooke had
his own .feast.
W hen M illbrooke returned,
Skriver started to prowl for more
humans w ife her group. As we ran
toward Barlow Hall, we saw a man
limping over fee yard. Photo Editor
Brad Heineke seemed to have been
bitten by a zombie arid appeared
to have no m ore feeling in his leg.
We stopped and Heineke looked up
immediately, but wife his injured
leg, all hope was lost ■ as he too
became a meal.
Sensing that there would be
Please see ZOMBIES, Page 5
ENTER...
XF YOU RARE