Commentary
TheClackamas Print
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
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Men: It takes all types
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Any young, attractive, single college female knows that being hit on frequently doesn’t mean that you ate left with a
lot of options when it comes to choice of mates.
Two-thirds of the time, the guys dishing out compliments and one-liners turn out to be somewhat... less than desir
able. The other one-third of the time, the guy is tolerable, but not pragmatic for one reason or another.
The good news is that you don’t have to let these dusty gems go to waste. That’s right, ladies, there is a use for those
less-than-perfect fellows in your life! You just have to figure out what category into which they fit.
Luckily for you, Dr. Kim has put together this fool-proof scientific formula to help you figure out what to do with
those awkward, not-quite-right men in your life.
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J 9 Attractive, Dumb-as-a-Box-of-
Rocks Guy
This is by far the most common breed
of guy to hit oh Dr. Kim. At first glance,
he appears to have the most potential. He’s
tall, muscular, and he smells so good that
it makes you want to do obscene things in
public.
But don’t be fooled. This guy will bore
the living hell out of you. That glimmer
in his eye that caught your attention from
across the room in Public Speaking class will
glaze over with confusion the minute you
Start wanting to have a conversation about
something with more depth than Family
Guy.
Logically, you’d then decide that he
would make a good make-out buddy on
the weekends. But OH no! No. Guys like
this are horrible kissers. The lack of mental
capacity is never replaced with emotional
intelligence. It’s a big, old waste of time.
But don’t send him packing just yet. If
you meet a guy like this, keep him around.
When finals are around the comer and
you’re stressed, you can use him as a healthy
distraction and personal back-massaging assistant. Put those big muscles to use,
for goodness sake.
But don’t kiss him. Just admire his glorious physique and forget all about that
Anaiomy homework piling up on your desk.
4 Nerdy, Awkward
•
Guy
•
This particular dude
probably won’t hit on you.
More likely, he’ll have
one of his fnends who you
know tell you that he’s
sweet on you.
How “sweet.”
This guy isn’t right for
you because he spends too
much time playing video
games and talking about
Star Wars. He’s skinny, and
pale and immature. Most
importantly, though, he gets
good grades. While you
may not find his bad skin
and worse breath appeal
ing, he can help you pass
that science midterm you
didn’t study for because
you were getting back
massages from Guy #1.
This is the guy who puts a little too much
effort into getting to know you. He calls too
much. He leaves notes. And letters. And
messages. Everywhere you turn - there
he is, waiting in anticipation like a dog.
trying to be good for a piece of scrap
meat from the dinner table.
It’s pathetic. No independent,
educated lady with a soul wants a
guy who begs to be walked all over.
DON’T get involved with him. It will
only end in tears on your doorstep and
a big, old scene on your front lawn at
three in the morning.
It will be tricky for you to keep this
one around without inadvertently caus
ing him to fall in love with you, but if
you uphold strict boundaries, you could
put this man to work. Really Nice Guy
With Emotional Issues makes a really'
good handy man. Anytime your garbage
disposal breaks, or you need someone
to help you move, he will do it with a
smile. Personally, I have about six or
seven of these guys laying around the
house. They are my tools.
Rich, Older Guy Who Wants to
Control You
This guy wants to wine and dine
you, but don’t let him do it! The next
thing you know, you’ll be barefoot and
pregnant, playing trophy wife to a dude
with a muffin top hanging over his
pants, almost busting out of a shirt two
sizes too small that he just can’t seem to
keep from tucking in.
Don’t let him take you out to din
ner, don’t let him buy you drinks,
and most importantly, do not let
this man buy you a cell phone! It’s
not a real cell phone. It’s a leash in
disguise. Don’t kiss him, don’t lead
him on, and forChrist’s sake, don’t
sleep with him (‘cause you know
he’ll poke holes in the condom).
If, for some miraculous reason, a
guy like this makes interesting con
versation and doesn’t smother you
with his needy, controlling plan, you
can call him to get rid of weirdo #2
when he keeps you up crying at three
in the morning. He has enough money.
He could easily put a hit out on the guy
if need be.
Really Smart,
Nice Guy Who’s
Not So Attractive
We call these guys our
friends.
Illustrations by Katie Wilson Clackamas Print
C o -E ditors - in -C hief : Sam Krause,
Clackamas Print
Katie Wilson
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77ie Clackamas Print is a weekly
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S taff W riters : Nicholas Baker,
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