Clackamas Print
Commentary 3
Wednesday, Nov. 8, 2006
he death of Habeas Corpus
liura Cameron
hi Clackamas Print
Osama bin Laden must be
uahing his ass off.
¡George W. Bush (or “Shrubs-
ttrains,” as I like to call
n), in his efforts to save us
xn those who “hate us for our
■edoms,” signed a bill that guts
[Bill of Rights and goes com-
ttely against the Constitution
for that matter, it goes against
eMagna Carta as well.
This bill hasn’t gotten much
ess, probably because the
irk Foley scandal exploded
her messily the day after it
used Congress. So, for those
io missed it, here’s what hap-
ned:
Congress, at the urging of
rubs-for-brains, passed the
ilitary Commissions Act, a
I that sets up military hear
ts for suspected terrorists,
d that doesn’t sound too bad,
esit?
Unfortunately, the bill also
minates habeas corpus. And
it’s the part that constitutes a
e of the Constitution.
For those who don’t speak
in, “habeas corpus” means
■esent the body.” In legal
ns, it means that a suspect
the right to appear in court
demand to know why he or
has been arrested. It’s what
ps people from being thrown
»rison for no reason. It’s sort
mportant.
Io be honest, the Constitution
sn’t say very much about
fas corpus - but. what is
does say speaks volumes. “The cent American citizens.
became convinced was involved
privilege of the writ of habeas
Think about it! Remember in the Madrid train bomb
corpus shall not be suspended Brandon Mayfield? He was the ings. When the next Brandon
unless when in cases of rebel Portland man who the Pentagon Mayfield comes around, he
lion or invasion
the public safety
may require it.”
Is
America
being invaded?
Ratified December /y,
Is America in the
middle of a rebel
lion? No and no!
But I guess that
doesn’t
really
article vi
matter, because
the bill doesn’t
“suspend” habeas
article n
.
corpus anyway.
a well regulated Militia, being necessary to^|
It eliminates it.
of a free State, the right of the people to keei
Arms, shall not be infringed.
That’s totally
different.
That’s trea
son.
Yes, I said
it.
Treason.
Congress
and
Shrubs-for-
XLhe righjM0H^eople
brains have gone
houses, nggagMfaeffects.agaMdffirBBnabj
andseiaH^sW9btbe vi°la8s»i J ■KkV^J
and done an end
issue, btlFupon probable cau388ppp<
run around the
affirmation, and particularly describing the ¡9
Constitution.
searched, and the persons or things to be seize«
No attempts at
an amendment,
Ithe enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights,
which
would
person
shall not be construed to deny or disparage others re-
have made all
otherwise infarnBg^
Sa^ss on a pres
HMfy, except in case
indictment of
this legal. They
the land or
Mndn the Militia, wh
just decided to
BSRpblic danger; nc
service
ignore the docu
person bc^HBIct fot
|Lhe p,
^^Hhe offence to
n^nor
shall be come
in jeopardy of life or!
ionstit!
ment that is the
Criminal Case to be witness against hind
basis of our
entire country.
And the best
part?
There’s
nothing to stop
National Emergency Civil Liberties Committee
them from using
New York, NY 10010
this against inno-
JBtll of Kígtjtó
Photo Illustration by Jeff Sorensen and Laura Cameron Clackamas Print
There’s a new plague at
ackamas
■ Community
illege. No, not higher
ition; it’s something worse:
Squirrels should not be
gnored. They pose a bigger
treat to American society
han the Bush Administration,
n the past few weeks, there
lave been a number of reports
rom students who have fallen
rictim to the recent squirrel
“I was just walking along
te path by the Art Center,
'hen a squirrel suddenly dive-
ombed me,” said squirrel
ttack* victim, and Clackamas
ludent, Brad Wiliker. “It
itched onto my face and bit
iy ear!”
Clackamas Print
19600 S. Molalla Ave.
Oregon City, OR 97045
(503) 657-6958 ex. 2309
Hie Clackamas Print is a weekly
student publication and is
distributed every Wednesday except
finals week.
Wiliker is just one of the
many students who have been
attacked by these rabid, psy
chotic squirrels.
Nursing student Victoria
Chortov explains her encoun
ter:
“Well, the other day, I was
smoking outside of DeJardin,
just talking to a couple of
friends, when out of nowhere
a squirrel with huge fangs
jumped on my leg and bit my
thigh,” Chortov said.
So, what has caused these
squirrels to act in such a
vicious manner? After doing
some digging, I found out
about a chemical spill that
occurred in mid-October
behind the Pauling Center.
According to a Chemistry
instructor, who wishes1 to
remain anonymous, a large
amount of dihydrogen monox
ide was spilled by a chemistry
student, who was transporting
it to the chemistry lab..
I knew this couldn’t be the
case. Dihydrogen monoxide
is water, and it is very unlike
ly that squirrels would start
behaving badly after drinking
some. So, I decided to con
tinue my investigation.
I received a tip from a
night janitor that strange nois
es have been coming from
the old Smucker’s. plant by
C o -E dhors - in -C hief : Sam Krause,
Katie Wilson
C opy E phor : Colleen Watkins
N ews E phor : Megan Koler
C ommentary E phor : Tayo Stalnaker
F eature E phor : Laura Cameron
S ports E phor : Mike Guidice
A&E E phor : Matt Olson
P hoto E ditor ; Adam J. Manley
the Environmental ■ Learning
Center. My curiosity got the
best of me, so I decided to
sneak in last Friday after
class.
Upon walking into the
Smucker’s plant, I was imme
diately hit with the stench
of rotten bananas and canta
loupe. Covering my mouth, I
ventured deeper into the plant,
where I found a bunch of bro
ken jam jars and jam all over
the floor. Obviously, this was
the source of the aroma.
I looked around the room
some more, and 1 ran across
a squirrel eating some of the
jam, and reading a tattered
Ayn Rand novel. It looked at
me and ran out of the building.
I quickly followed it out to
the now-empty ponds behind
the facility, where I witnessed
something horrifying.
The squirrel started acting
strange, jumping around and
squeaking loudly. It began to
foam at the mouth and grew
large fangs. Then, it started
running at a bird perched on
a nearby rock and attacked
it. The bird was dead within
seconds.
Fellow students, please lis
ten to me. I am asking for your
help in solving this mystery. It
seems that either Smucker’s
was creating some weird, new
A d M anager : Elizabeth Hitz
,
or she will have, in effect, no
rights at all and will become an
un-person.
In the name of saving us
from those who “hate us for our
freedoms,” Shrubs-for-brains
and his friends have destroyed
those same freedoms. Well done,
Mister President. You have done
precisely what you say the ter
rorists want to do.
Where is the outrage over
this? Where are the protests?
Where are the lawsuits? Why
are we letting them get away
with this?
Don’t give me that crap about
“national security.” National
security does not trump the
Constitution. This is supposed
to be the land of the free and
the home of the brave! Have the
Republicans succeeded in intim
idating us into being the land of
the chained and the home of the
terrified? Have we forgotten the
men who fought and died to cre
ate a free nation?
This is completely uncon
scionable. I am ashamed to live
in a country where we allow our
leaders strip us of our rights.
Don’t try to hide treason behind
“national security.” I would
rather die than loose, my rights.
And I am not alone in this.
There was a guy named Patrick
Henry who put the same feeling
into words:
“Is life so dear, or peace so
sweet, as to be purchased at
the price of chains and slav
ery? Forbid it, Almighty God!
I know not what course others
may take; but as for me, give me
liberty or give me death!”
Genyva Laubach Clackamas Print
A crazed, objectivist squirrel hopped up on Smucker’s protects
his copy of Ayn Rand’s “The Fountainhead” in front of Rook Hall.
jam, or it was somehow taint
ed by a. domestic terrorist of
sorts. Perhaps a stoned, self
ish libertarian.
Something must be done
P hotographers : Juno Dean, Jeff
Sorensen, Sean Van Walchen
S taff W riters : Justin Goe, Frank
Jordan, Andrea Sunpson, Jeff
D epartment A dviser : Linda Vogt
Sorensen, David Stark, Liz Travers,
Alexandria Vallelunga, Nicholas
Delzell
P ropuchon A ssistants : Rachel
Gillette, Genyva Laubach, David
Stark
about these squirrels, and
Ayn Rand, or else the entire
state of Oregon might become
infested and everyone will,
inevitably, go nuts.
G oals : The Clackamas Print aims
to report the news in an honest,
unbiased, professional manner.
The opinions expressed do not
necessarily reflect those of the stu
dent body college administration,
its faculty or The Print. E-mail
comments to chiefed@clackamas.
edu.